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What do I do now?

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • April 18, 2015 at 8:11 am #75498
    Hannah
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I’m having a huge crisis at the moment, I will try and keep it as short as possible so there isn’t a huge essay to read. Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated because I just don’t know what to do or where to go now.

    My boyfriend and I had a fantastic relationship, it was long distance but only uk to Ireland. We were together for 16 months and it was the best 16 months of my life. There is an age gap, I am 23 and he is 33 but our personalities just matched, we had lots in common, were brought up with the same values and we got on with each other’s families. We spoke about having a future together and what it would be like and I was excited, we were excited! Anyway, in October 2014 he broke up with me, we had a very long emotional 2 chat about why and all he kept saying was I don’t know, I just need time to figure out my life but he still loved and cared about me but he didn’t know what to do. So that was that, I couldn’t talk him round, he didn’t want my help and he was gone from my life with out an explanation.

    I went through a very tough few weeks because I was so confused and upset and desperately wanted him back but I went no contact for 50 days! I text him on New Years day with a simple text and I got a reply, we had a heartfelt conversation backwards and forwards till the early hours of the morning, he said he was sorry for everything he did and that he regretted hurting me so badly and wished things could have been different. We agreed to meet up and talk things through. So a week later we did just that, again very emotional, I wanted him back and he was unsure, in the end we said we would try it and see what happened. We would take it slow and start again from the beginning. I was in the mindset that I would rather try and fail that be thinking what if for the rest of my life.

    We had a great 6 weeks and I was feeling really confident about our relationship, we had discussed the pain we went through and that we didn’t want to do that all over again but then out of no where he says he doesn’t love me and he hasn’t this time round and he was just waiting to see if his feelings for me would come back but Valentine’s Day had come round and he said he thought it as silly that we were together when he didn’t love me.

    I was devastated, he had shown no warning signs and bam, I’m out of his life for good again. I felt like a fool for letting him back in my life for putting myself though all this pain again. A week later I received an email from him and here it is:

    “Hey

    Not sure if I should or why I’m writing this, but I’ve been thinking a lot , I been trying to work out why I keep hurting someone who did care about me ,
    We shouldn’t have got back together , I wasn’t ready to start any relationship for any kind and I was half assing it the hold time , so it was never going to work and if I was more open we could have seen that
    I know I need happy with myself before I let any one in again ,
    All this doesn’t help you now from me blinding siding you and hurting you again

    But I want you to know that U didn’t do anything wrong all the problems come form me ,you were perfect and blame less this hole time and for all the shit I’ve put u through
    I hope you can move on and be happy and not let this drag U down, cause U have so many wonderful quality and all will come good for you very soon

    Sorry”

    (He struggles with writing and is dyslexic so hence the bad gramma etc.)

    So this was 6 weeks ago and I’ve had panic attacks and anxiety problems since. If I’m not sad im anxious. I can’t move on because I don’t hate him, I love him. After everything that’s happened, I still love him and can’t live with out him. I don’t know what to do now and how I can ever move on from him. I really want to write him a letter or email as I haven’t replied to him, we have been on no contact which I requested because I was so heart broken I couldn’t face still talking to him but I miss him terribly and no one seems to understand. I feel like I’ve lost a part of me that I will never get back.

    What do I do now? I can’t function properly, I’m not eating right, im not sleeping right, I feel like absolute rubbish.

    April 18, 2015 at 2:12 pm #75502
    Will
    Participant

    Wow. That is so rough. He clearly wants to be kind to you, but he just doesn’t want to be with you. I’m so sorry for your pain.

    What you do now is slowly put yourself back together one day at a time. At least you know it’s done and he’s not coming back, so you can close the door on any uncertainty even if you don’t know why things didn’t work out. You should know that it’s OK to still love him. It doesn’t mean you can’t live without him, it just means that your love for him is going to hurt for a while. But in the end, he has to be true to his heart, as well. You both tried, and it didn’t work. It was never going to work. You didn’t do anything wrong. You just weren’t right for each other.

    Make an effort to eat well, but be kind to yourself when that’s just not possible right now, and try again at the next meal. Try to go to sleep at a regular time, avoid coffee, do some exercise and all that stuff that’s supposed to help you sleep. But again, forgive yourself if you don’t manage it, and try again the next day.

    Keep making the effort. Keep going till the day is done. And then tackle the next day. You will love again. Life will regain its colour. Believe in life. All my best wishes.

    April 18, 2015 at 3:52 pm #75508
    Yue
    Participant

    Hi Hannah,

    Will provided some good advice and my heart goes out to you. It’s tough being in limbo when your happiness is dependant on the other person’s decision. When I was in a similar space, I remember how anxious I felt about waiting for the other person to make a decision. It almost felt as though I needed to justify myself for being good enough to be loved and as time went by, the relationship became so unbalanced that it collapsed anyway. The thing I’ve learned from that is if someone is not excited to be with you and require constant re-assurance, he is not the person you want to spend your life with anyway. You can’t influence how he feels about you but you can certainly decide how to react to this situation.

    When my ex broke up with me, I also went the no contact rule to a point that I’ve deleted every possible way that I have to contact her to avoid the temptation. Like you, I was so heart broken that I know if we stayed in contact, things will go sour pretty quickly and I’d like to part on good terms. It’s true that when you love someone, you give a part of yourself and when that relationship ends, it feels as though you’ve lost part of your heart. On the other hand, based on what you’ve described it was a good relationship so there is something that you took away from it as well. My suggestion is that see it as an opportunity for personal growth and close it off so you can start the next chapter in your life.

    When we experience trauma, it impacts us on both a psychological and physical level. If you want to process the negative emotions you are feeling effectively, I would suggest taking a walk in nature and engage in some kind of physical activity that you enjoy. These things allow us to focus on the present rather than thinking about our past or a future that can never be. Most importantly, breath and eventually you will find your way out of the pain.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by Yue.
    April 19, 2015 at 11:04 am #75527
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Hannah,

    I think the panic attacks come from the aftermath of being blindsided when you think everything is fine. And it happened twice. So, why should you feel confident and good when it really might not be??

    Oh my goodness, what a great actor he was. Well, either he will always be a perennial bachelor, or he was keeping something from you ~ or even something from himself. Bah, he may not get it together for another ten or twenty years ~ or maybe never!

    I echo the above advice. Take exquisite care of yourself. Make your home into a retreat center. Only eat wholesome foods. Do yoga in the yard or park bare footed. Light scented candles when you take a bubble bath/are in the shower. Read Classic Literature. Watch Classic Films. Listen to Classical Music. Have a routine. Go to events. Join a new club/team/organization. Buy a new dress. Get your nails done. Get a new hair style. Get a makeover. Get a massage. Go on a road trip.

    And if nothing else, get a daily meditation book or daily affirmation book. Say it until you think it!

    When I had broken up I literally got a book called How to Get Over a Broken Heart. I followed the book. It held my hand. Get some book like that.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    April 23, 2015 at 12:37 pm #75721
    Hannah
    Participant

    Hi everyone, thank you so much for all your great advice, it means a lot to me that 3 complete strangers would take their time to help me out.

    I’m slowly getting there but then out of the blue I had a text yesterday asking if it was okay for him to stay in my area for his work and then said that if I ever wanted to chat or anything then I can. I’m so confused, why does he want me to talk to him, I don’t understand why after all this time (it’s been nearly 9 weeks!) I think he’s lonely and realised what he’s lost. My heart says call him, my head says stay clear you’ve been hurt by him too much.

    April 23, 2015 at 11:00 pm #75744
    Yue
    Participant

    Hi Hannah,

    It’s hard to guess what the other person is thinking. It’s possible that he is just being a good guy wanting to find out if you are doing ok after the break up. Or like you said, he might be feeling a bit lonely but there is a difference between missing being a relationship and missing you specifically. At the end of the day, his motivation of contacting you is unimportant compared to doing what is best for you.

    I am sorry to say this but unless something within you two has fundamentally changed, what was lacking in the relationship before will still be there. As Einstien once said, the definition of insanity is trying the same thing expecting a different outcome.

    You may both get momentary relief by the re-connect but in your heart, you will always be wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. You may watch your words and be mindful of how you behave around him but speaking from experience, none of these will work because by doing so, you are hiding the spark that makes you unique.

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