Dear Marisol:

The man is dishonest and manipulative. He does not operate FOR your well being but AGAINST your well being.

I think it would be best if you end any and all contact with him and insist on keeping it that way. Give him nothing, not a moment of your time.

Make a plan about how to emotionally carry on No Contact with him. Intellectually you know it is the right thing for you to do, but emotionally, at least at times, you long for him. So make a plan about how to deal with those times, moments of weakness. Maybe write a letter to your future self, talking your future self out of having any contact with him. You can work on an Emotional Plan with a therapist, maybe the one you saw.

Post here anytime you want and any time you are considering contact with him, anytime he contacts you and you are tempted. I will answer you as soon as I see your post and will try to talk to you out of it. So this very thread, here, can be a tool for you to rely on when you are emotionally weak. For one, you can read your own share, then my comment here, maybe others’ comments if any will be added here and anything else you want to add.

Take care and Happy New Year!
anita

Marisol,

I forgot to address a very important part of your post. The part about you dealing with the aftermath of your breakup.

It’s hard. Very hard. You’ll most likely spend a lot of time analyzing and interpreting what went on in your relationship and what you could have done differently, etc.

No, you are not crazy. You are not at fault for what is happening. You are not responsible for what he has done. You did what any other person would have done. You stuck with him because you genuinely believed he’d be different than last time. You stayed and wanted it to work because you loved him. There’s nothing wrong with that. Also, you did what any other person in a relationship would do, you brought up your concerns so that you could talk it through. It is not your fault that he didn’t want to talk it through. You did not deserve for him to call you crazy or say whatever else he might have said to you. You were only trying to express yourself.

Yes, he will most likely continue trying to get back with you. But do not give in. When you are feeling tempted to talk to him, or to go back with him think of all the bad things he said or did. Think about all those horrible things he did, cheating on you, denying the facebook pages, the anxiety you felt, the lack of trust, different paths you are on, etc. Think about that everytime you want to go back to him. And ask yourself, do I really want to go back to that? The answer is no, because you don’t deserve that.

Anytime he gets in contact with you, you’ll be tempted to take him back because you love him and everything you’ve shared, good memories,etc. But don’t. Again visualize everything bad he did to you. That’ll help keep everything in perspective for you.

Relationships like that are mentally draining and not worth it. Stay strong.

Marisol,

“I am so sorry that you have had to endure such a horrible relationship however it is really good to know that someone out there is going through some of the same things I am.” I am sorry that you had to endure such a bad relationship as well. It’s not easy to deal with people like our exes, and it’s definitely hard to get rid of them. I am glad that my experience with my ex gives us some common ground. I know that advice comes easy to most people. But often the best advice comes from people who have been in similar circumstances.

You are right. When everything catches up to them, that’s when they’ll want us most. However, as tempting as it might be, don’t give in. Your ex has already caused you enough harm. Let him fix his own problems. Don’t help him, you’ve already done too much for him. He does not deserve you.

Since it hasn’t been so long since your breakup, do what you need to do. Get angry, get sad, cry, etc. This is your time to grieve and let go of everything. Focus on healing yourself and understand that what happened is not your fault.

Thank you for your concern. I am indeed doing well. Although I must admit that I still miss my ex every now and then. I am tempted sometimes to hear from him or to try and help him, but I just keep reminding myself of everything he did to me. I hope that you are doing well too and I hope that you stay strong and move on with your life.

It’s great that you realize that you do not owe him anything. That realization itself makes it easier to step away from your ex. Because indeed you do not owe anything to him.

Indeed you are correct. He does not deserve the privilege to be your friend, and he would most definitely end up exploiting that. I speak from experience. During some really weak times after me and my ex broke up, he got in contact with me and said he wanted us to be friends. It was all okay at first but then he asked me to get information on some of my acquaintances that he had serious issues with. He also had me give him advice on some girls he liked, etc. I gave into his requests because I loved him. I didn’t realize how badly he was using me at that point. I was blinded by him. I thought I was doing the good thing, acting civil, being his friend, for old times sake. However, when the roles were reversed and I needed advice or a shoulder to lean on he was never available. And when he wasn’t asking for favors, he would try to rub it in my face all the girls he was with, etc. So yeah, don’t bother being his friend.

Well, regardless of what he says or does, take it with a grain of salt. Don’t take him seriously. Ignore him and keep in mind the kind of person he is. Stay strong and take it one day at a time. If you are ever having an especially hard time, post on here again. I’ll try to convince you that he’s not worth it. Or if you want to just get it off your chest, then post as well.

Marisol,

You’re very welcome. I’m glad my advice has helped you.

Great thing you thought it out and saw for yourself that this time around it is very similar to back when he was cheating on you. It raises your awareness and perspective as to everything that is going on with you and him.

“He is always attempting to keep me around while he goes off and has his fun because I do believe that ultimately he feels like I am the long term plan for his life.” I’m sure that is true as well, because it seems to be like it is what a lot of guys do, especially when they are young. They seem to think that we will just wait around until they are done having their fun.

“what makes me the most upset is the inability to see that this time in our lives is only temporary so why not make the correct decisions?” He is not able to see that this will all pass sooner than he realizes because he isn’t as aware or as conscious as you are. He seems to live by his impulses and whims, while you think things through and analyze them, wanting to make the right choice. At our age, many guys seem to live like he does, giving into desires, wants, impulses, etc. I guess they do it because they think that in the grand scheme of things, this little phase will not matter, so why not have fun? It is also more than likely that they believe they can get away with anything for the time being, otherwise they wouldn’t do what they do.

“I understand the importance of people and relationships and wont waste meaningful connections on temporary flings.” See, that’s the difference, your ex does not understand. Perhaps it’s hormones or his thought rationale that impedes him from realizing this, I really don’t know. You simply are just more aware than he is.

“he doesn’t exactly believe or understand that there will not be anyone that will be there for him like I was” Again, this shows how childlike/ teenager he still is. However, based on your past actions this is why he believes that you will stick around, because you stayed before when times were hard.

“I thought I would just go back and try once more.” That would be easy wouldn’t it? After all, you’ve already been with him for so long that it almost seems unfair to give up after everything the two of you have been through. It’s not easy to give up on something that you want so badly to work out, on something that you have put in a lot of effort.

“I understand that the relationship isn’t about power but I really took to heart that while I am feeling helpless I really have so much power in the situation.” You’re right, it’s not about power. It is about a balance between the two of you, at least ideally. Realistically one of you might have more control or power than the other. However, you are right, you do have so much power in the situation. There are so many choices you can make. The reason you feel powerless is because you are so used to giving in to his demands and actions. You are used to adapting just so that the relationship can flow smoother, and by doing that you were relinquishing some power.

“In a really fucked up cruel way that no one can understand I do feel as if he loves me and I feel like I need to use that and this situation to my advantage.” Trust me, I understand fully. They just love in a very different and twisted way. My ex is the same. Others might not see it as love, but I’ve been there and I know what you mean.

“In a crazy way I believe that the universe is recreating this situation in order for me to do the right thing for myself!” This is a great way to look at it and to make different choices.

I like what you said to him. Not depending on answer from him and again choosing to enforce the no contact rule and trying to move on.

“I don’t want to lie and say that I don’t have hopes of us being together in the future. I see a lot of potential in him if he was willing to just change these ways of his. I do feel like it takes losing someone to realize what they were worth but how could he even begin to do that when I never allow him the space to feel like I am gone forever?” It’s good that you are being realistic with yourself. And you’re right, you do need to give him space in order for him to understand that you are gone. Otherwise he’ll never get the memo and start acting the same again.

“The moment I start ignoring him he realizes I am something worth pursuing and I mean contacting my friend and finding any means necessary to get into contact with me , even creepy things!” Him doing this shows he obviously cares for you, regardless of his methods. And I believe that as he seeks you out and realizes you are not paying attention or giving in so easily, he will start to reflect on his actions and change.

“He also told me that If I were to reject him, or if I were to ignore him or not respond that he would find me by any means and continue to try because he believes ultimately that he wants to be with me. If this is all really true then I have came to the realization that I need too see these things come to pass. I shouldn’t be so easy to just call whenever he says and make myself so available that he stops trying. It would be interesting to see whether these things he says are true.” Yes, you do need to let these things come to pass.

It might sound like I’m telling you to play hard to get, which I’m not. I’m just saying to let this all play out, and see how far he is willing to go for you, to get your attention, to win you back, to prove he has changed. This is all something that you need to see, and I’m sure that when the come times, whether in a few months, a year, or several, you’ll come to your own realization of whether he is now in a better place or he still is not where he needs to be.

So give it time. See how things pan out with him. Pay attention to his efforts and analyze them. I’m sure that when the time comes, you’ll know. If it doesn’t come, then don’t give up, know that the universe has other things in store for you.

Post again with updates and let me know how it is going. Tell me about his attempts to contact you and say how they make you feel and analyze them and see if he is closer to where he needs to be. Also, if you’re ever in doubt, post again, I’ll respond.

Oh wow. I didn’t expect him to respond that quickly. At least he gave you an answer this time rather than giving you the run around.

I liked how you responded to him, because although it was a bit harsh, he needed to hear it, and you needed to say it to him. I’m glad you stood your ground. It lets him see a part of you he didn’t know. He’s probably very shocked right now, not expecting you to have reacted that way.

While this coldness is not a good thing, it helped you say what you needed to say. This coldness shows just how bad he hurt you, used you, trampled all over you.

One thing that concerns me about the coldness is that it could trigger something else. Revenge, a desire for him to hurt. Do you feel like that at all?

You can for sure expect to hear from him again. He is most likely going to be intrigued by you for telling him off, after all, it’s something you haven’t done before.

While this may not seem like a good kind of love, it is love. Just a very twisted kind of love and it is not as uncommon as it seems.

So this psychic you saw, what else did she was? Was everything else she said true? Is there any say you could go back to her and ask her for more insight? You know, just to be prepared.

Also, you mentioned to your ex that he won’t see or hear from you ever again. Did you mean it? Or say it in hopes that this will be the turning point?

How did your conversation with him make you feel? Mad, happy? If he cries to you and tries to win you back how do you plan to approach it?