7 Crucial Steps to Minimize Drama in Your Life

“When you are not honoring the present moment by allowing it to be, you are creating drama.” ~Eckhart Tolle

Well into my twenties, all of my friendships with women looked a lot like junior high.

One day, we’d be codependent and attached at the hip, sending incessant play-by-play emails throughout the workday like one too many notes in class.

The next day, we’d be dragging each other by the hair into a heap of combined emotional issues, complete with nasty suspicions, unfounded accusations, and a dramatic reconciliation that would inevitably be short-lived.

Shortly after one toxic friendship eroded, I found a new one, like a mythological creature that regenerates its head immediately after it’s cut off. Things weren’t much different with the men I dated.

For a long time, I lamented all the damaging relationships I’d been in, as if I was some kind of victim who always got the short end of the stick.

Then one day I realized there was a reason I always found myself in dramatic relationships: I was attracted to drama like a moth to a flame.

Chaos was the status quo for the majority of my life, and when it wasn’t there, I panicked. I didn’t feel comfortable unless I was fighting someone, or at the very least, fighting myself.

The things I said and did contradicted because it was easier to blame the world and stay the same than it would be to really see myself and make a change.

You might not be a recovering drama queen like me, but you’ve probably encountered your share of relationship histrionics.

Maybe your close friend has as many catastrophes as there are days of the week. Maybe you’re the person everyone calls with their problems. Or maybe you unknowingly turn small issues into major crises and you’d like to stop feeling so overwhelmed.

Whatever the case, you probably have at least a little drama in your life that you’d like to minimize.

With this in mind, I recently asked on the Tiny Buddha Facebook page: How do you minimize drama in your life? I took a sampling of the 183 responses and formulated this guide to defusing drama:

1. Recognize when you might be creating drama.

You get what you put out. If you act in a way that is positive and minimal drama, you attract the same kind of positive situations and people. ~April Myers

Drama usually comes from my reaction to other people’s actions. I stop to think: Does this really matter in the long run, or am I just trying to be right? ~Anita Grimm-Hohl

I minimize drama within myself. When I’m focused and calm, so is the world around me. ~Cynthia Ruprecht Hunt

Take it off the page:

If there’s drama in multiple areas of your life, be honest with yourself—you’re the constant. Are you creating it? We don’t do anything repeatedly unless there’s something in it for us, so, what’s the payoff?

Are you looking for attention or excitement? Did you grow up with drama and you just plain feel best when there’s some around you?

Now aim to find alternative solutions. If you’re looking for attention, can you get it more directly? If you’re bored, what new adventure can create in your life?

2. Change your perspective.

Be happy about little things, let the big stuff go because I can’t change any of it. ~Grace Foo

I zoom out in my mind to a point far enough away and above so that I can see things in my life for what they are. By doing this, I can see from a distance how small and unimportant the situation is in the big scope of the universe. ~Larry Stilts

Is this situation going to matter a year from now? If not, it’s not worth worrying about. ~Angela Orr

Take it off the page:

A lot of the drama takes place in our own heads, and it’s usually because we’re too deeply immersed in a difficult situation to recognize it isn’t as dire as it seems.

If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed by a situation, step back and realize this feeling isn’t permanent—nothing is. Then focus on action steps—on the things you can control. What can you today to proactively create a solution?

3. Don’t feed into other people’s drama.

Build a reputation for not participating in drama. ~Addy Rodriguez

Just be. Anything you resist persists. Don’t add any negative or positive focus on it. ~Nikki Star

Speak less, listen more. You have time to hear and see the drama and sidestep it. ~Alexis Benjamin‎

Be an observer. Not everything needs a reaction. ~Angelina PhouGui Chan-Ong

Take it off the page:

If someone repeatedly comes to you with catastrophes, give yourself a window of time when you’ll listen, and then take care of your own needs by walking away. Also, resist the urge to jump into a pity party. Oftentimes people calm themselves down when other people don’t validate their complaints.

Lastly, focus on your breath. Your calming energy may even help them let go.

4. Reconsider unhealthy relationships.

Minimize dramatic people in your life. ~Jeff Palmer

Befriend only people with good energy that don’t promote or create drama. ~Carmen Portela

I realize that spending time by myself is always preferable to spending time with someone who wants drama. Nothing wrong with a dull day. ~Stephanie Goddard

Remove the source of drama from my life. It really is that simple. ~Claudia Jacobs

Take it off the page:

Take an inventory of which people in your life leave you feeling stressed and unhappy more often than not. If you don’t want to completely remove a toxic relationship, minimize the time you spend together.

If you don’t want to change how often you see each other, recognize drama triggers. When the conversation moves toward her horrible mother, steer it somewhere else.

5. Be clear and straight with other people.

Be as open and honest and communicative as possible. Listen without reacting. ~Faith McGregor

If I have an issue with someone I go straight to them to talk about it, and I don’t talk to anyone else about it if they aren’t involved. Gossip breeds drama! ~Kristie Sherman

Drama comes about because of either misunderstanding or overreaction. Be as honest and open in all cases as possible. Quell your own negative emotions, which will in turn diffuse the negative emotions of others. ~Vito Ruiz

Take it off the page:

A lot of drama comes from poor communication and confusion. Eliminate it by finding the courage to say exactly what you mean. It may be harder in the moment, but it can save a lot of heartache in the long run.

On the flip side, let people know that they can be honest with you. If someone thinks they need to walk on eggshells around you, they’ll likely hold things in—but they will come out eventually, if not in words, in resentful actions.

6. Be slow to label something as “drama.”

When it comes to people you know you love, always take an extra moment to reconsider, if the “problem” is actually a problem, if it’s worth making a big deal out of it. ~Christian Andersen Hauge

I realize that life is a roller-coaster and my problems are much like others’ at different times. ~Margaret I. Gibson

Love them a little more. It’s who they are. It might even be you. ~Ed Pulsifer

Don’t speculate, good or bad. Simply deal with what’s actually in front of you. ~Michael Stodola

Take it off the page:

Sometimes what we’re labeling as drama is just someone who really needs us. Instead of expelling mental energy judging the situation as good or bad, focus on being there and being a friend in the moment.

Then be a friend to yourself and let the drama go when you walk away.  A lot of the drama we experience in life comes from our interpretations of the things we experience—particularly after the moments have passed.

7. Learn from drama.

I attempt to allow the inevitable episode, extract any potential meaning or lesson, and equally allow it to pass. ~Joel Olmstead

I try to see the learning experience in the drama. And I think of the sentence “Without rain you can’t enjoy the sunny days.” ~Anja Feijen

Accept it, learn from it, and go on with life. ~Vincent Neerings

Take it off the page:

Sometimes it seems like drama happens to us, and we’re powerless to remove ourselves from the cause. Another perspective is that every time we find ourselves immersed in something that seems overwhelming, we have an opportunity to learn how to deal with challenges better.

Life will always involve mini fires that we feel desperate to put out. If we can learn not to fan them, they may actually be able to light our way.

Some of the Facebook responses were slightly edited for spelling; some were part of longer responses with more detail.

About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha and Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love. Her latest bookTiny Buddha's Gratitude Journal, which includes 15 coloring pages, is now available for purchase. For daily wisdom, follow Tiny Buddha on Twitter, Facebook & Instagram..

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  • “Shortly after one toxic friendship eroded, I found a new one, like a mythological creature that regenerates its head immediately after its cut off.”

    Right on. It’s funny how we make the leap to end one unhealthy relationship and another one pops up. Great post. Definitely made me think!

  • jan

    I’m printing this out and passing it on to my college age daughter. Thank you!

  • I have to admit that i used to be a drama queen myself when i was younger. I would create arguments out of nothing just so i could shout at someone. My mum used to tell me all the time to stop but i wasn’t consciously aware of what i was doing at the time. Apparently i was the same in my relationships because i met my ex girlfriend again after 12 years and she told me i used to be so angry and argumentative. I thought i was just a passionate guy but as i got a little older and wiser i could see the error of my ways.

    These days I’m quite the opposite and have become a very spiritual person. I think it was a combination of growing up, admitting i was drama queen and taking responsibility for my actions. I see the good in every situation now, i work on myself daily and the girlfriend i mentioned above, who is once again a part of my life, says that I’m ever so meek these days.

    Loved this post Lori, i always enjoy reading your articles.

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  • Utterly brilliant, Lori… the words of wisdom from yourself and the TB contributors are all spot on. Thank you!

  • This is something I’ve been working on a lot over the last couple of years. I think I’m in a much better place than I was.

    Today I was on a train back from work & I overheard a young guy going full-bent drama queen over something. He was speaking very loudly (not sure if this was on purpose) and going into the minutia of the issue that he had at full volume, with a high dose of melodrama. It made me smile because it reminded me how easy it is to be that person – it’s much easier to slide into melodrama and drama-queen mode than it is to take a real look at yourself, and be your essential self — not the self you project to protect yourself.

  • toxicsisterswhoneedsthem?

    After dealing with a toxic sister for all my life I have finally cut her from my life…as awful as it sounds it actually felt really really good! She was a drama queen, so angry about everything and always blaming someone for something. She would have a problem with everyone, other siblings, our parents, workmates, housemates, even going to dinner was an issue as it would be the end of the world as the meal was never to her standard. SHe was a huge sulker, even going out with people who all had something in common, like a hobby or a profession and they would talk about it she would get sulky and angry as it didn’t involve her. I got to the point I didn’t care and shrugged it off. I couldn’t breathe without her issuing me an infringment notice for living! After a series of emails where she accused me of things I didn’t do (I even apologised to keep the peace) and making mountains out of molehills sort of things, she kept at me kept at me and kept at me…what was she trying to do? I showed two people who know what she is like and close to her and they said to cut her from my life as she is a toxic/jealous person. I am so glad they told me this, it confrimed what I had always thought. I did cut her from my life and I am happy with that decision, for my sanity and my heatlh…who needs someone in their life who wants to constantly hurt them and keeps at them trying to bring them down? After years of put-downs, walking on egg shells, being careful of what I say (even things not related to her in conversation she would take offence!) and being careful of what looks I gave…I am now free and couldn’t be happier. I refused to play into her drama of playing a victim. One day I hope she changes, I do want her to be happy but not at other people’s expense!

  • I can imagine how hard it was to make that decision, but it sounds like you did the right thing for you. I’m glad you’re feeling a lot more peaceful now, and I hope that your choice inspires your sister to reconsider the way she engages with people. Thanks for reading and sharing your story!

  • Absolutely! I leap-frogged from one to the next with no real sense of the bigger picture. Self awareness is everything. Thanks for reading–I’m glad this made you think!

  • Thanks Declan. I could relate to everything you wrote, especially the part about thinking you were just a passionate person. Time and perspective can make a world of difference!

  • I think it really does take a conscious effort. When I see someone getting all worked up, clearly ready to snap, it reminds me of how miserable I feel when I make mountains out of molehills. It’s emotionally and physically exhausting! Almost like a grown up tantrum.

  • Thank you! What a wonderful thing to read. =)

  • You’re most welcome!

  • toxicsisterswhoneedsthem?

    Thank you Lori! And a big Thank you for writing this article. I especially like this you wrote, “A lot of the drama we experience in life comes from our interpretations of the things we experience—particularly after the moments have passed.” It reminds meof this analogy by the Dalai Lama which I read in the Art of Happiness (at least I think it was that book!). It was about being cut off when driving, and the driver was angry, got all worked up and abusive. The person who did the cutting in is oblivious to what they have done let alone how angry the other driver is, This driver goes on their merry way. The driver who got cut off is hurting him/herself immensely physically and mentally as they are putting their whole body through stress as their reaction.

  • I actually read that book last year, and I remember that part. It’s so true! Sometimes I think we feel justified in our anger and then just stew in it, like we’re entitled to it–completely forgetting that it’s not something we actually want. I try to remember this when I start getting worked up over something beyond my control.

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  • Silasbrownrocks

    I had a similar situation with my older sister and decided to stop all communication. I feel so much better, too! Thank you for your post. It helps to know that there are other people who have had to make the same difficult choices for their own happiness.

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  • Kandijane

    know yourself , know what you need and you want and the differences of each, love is a many splendored things- it takes a many things to get you to a point, what is love to you, don’t be rushed in any situation, when it comes to relating to a potenial partner, get to kow them and you,with them.

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  • In general, I wouldn’t say I was attracted to drama or that I created it, but this sentence definitely caught my attention:

    “I didn’t feel comfortable unless I was fighting someone, or at the very least, fighting myself.”

    I am 39, and only last year in therapy did I finally see that I had been fighting my whole life (sometimes for basically no reason at all!). I just finally reached the point where I was SO TIRED and didn’t have it in me any more. That’s when I started to realize that it was not my job, responsibility or even necessary to make someone accept who I am, or hear what I was saying or anything else. I always felt like there was chaos around me because I didn’t have it in me to just let go and stop fighting all the time. Everything was a battle, and nothing was easy and I couldn’t ever figure out why. I finally understood that if someone wasn’t willing to see who I am, or listen to what I have to say, then I could just move on. Even with family or romantic relationships. I can only try so hard before I just have to admit there’s nothing more I can do and then go my merry way! For all those years, I’d thought that my existence was dependent on people accepting me, and so few did that I developed this huge “me vs. the world” attitude. I couldn’t understand why other people went along quietly and even peacefully when I didn’t even seem to be allowed to exist!

    Needless to say, the lesson of letting go/giving in/stopping the “fight” was absolutely necessary for my sanity, and my growth as a person. It’s funny how simple it seems when I look back on it, but it was something I had to learn in my own way and I’m grateful I was finally able to stop the cycle!

    Great topic, and really helpful points/solutions as well. Another very relevant article for me! Thanks, Lori!

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  • I absolutely love your blog, and this post for me is a real standout.  As the Buddha says, when one begins to advance along the path, things will naturally fall way like leaves on a tree (and sadly old friendships will get caught in the mix).  Sometimes, it’s hard to explain to family (or your old friend) why this friendship is no longer being pursued, but I must believe that certain friendships were meant for a season, and a rare few, for a lifetime.  If a friendship is based on nothing other than gossip and drama, it’s time to drop it … It may hurt for a while, with a great sense of loss, but I have faith that the opening will be filled by more enlightened friends, the start to your true sangha.  A quick question for you …  I have your blog coming through via RSS feed on MyYahoo page, but for some reason, your RSS address is no longer being recognized … any suggestions?  I’m glad I had you bookmarked, as I needed a bit of wisdom today; otherwise, I might have missed this great content.  Namaste 🙂

  • Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Victoria! I’ve definitely had my share of dramatic friendships, and I find that as I grow, I continue to attract and create healthier relationships.

    Thank you for letting me know about the RSS issue. I actually have someone working on a new feature for the site, and I think he accidentally did something that created a problem with the RSS page. I’m working to fix the issue ASAP!

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  • Crescentmoon

     I had two sisters, both older who were both filled with drama, but they drank and did drugs, I havent. I recently cut the other one out a few months ago about a year and half after other one due to it all. It hurt and I miss them both, but they were so toxic. A counselor said they seemed jealous of me. I never considered that. To me that feels conceited.

  • KKZ

    So, question on Point 4, asked because of some drama that’s unfolded in my relatively non-dramatic life over the past few days – what if the unhealthy relationship is between you and your mother? It’s not so bad that I want to cut her out of my life, that seems cruel. But she is one of the more consistent (not constant, but consistent) sources of drama in my life, and one of the few people who can suck me into such drama because she knows exactly how to push my buttons. 

    Any tips on this? We live an hour apart and don’t see each other often but have been in a habit of communicating regularly through email since I was in college. 

  • Hi KKZ,

    I understand. I have some family members who push my buttons too! My question for you:

    How do you respond to the drama? A therapist once told me that we can’t change how people act; we can only change how we respond to them.

    I wrote a “tiny post” that you may helpful (and also, some of the comments may help):

    I hope this helps!


  • jenn

    I had a really big argument with my mother yesterday and everything that is in this article she said to me, with some other low blows..with her ii feel like the drama is always at a 10. I always want to get my point across and maybe I just have to get over that were not gonna meet half way. we don’t have a good relationship, it’s very awkward speaking to her on a day to day basis. maybe this article can be a start for me, maybe then she won’t be imbarassed and disappointed

  • guest0109

    This article is helpful for me because I have been dealing with drama in friendships lately and I have realized I am part of the problem but my friends have also not given me the benefit of the doubt if they “hear” something about me or what I may have said which is hurtful.  I recently had a friend delete me from her life basically based on gossip which told me maybe I don’t need someone like that in my life.  I have actually been happier because of it.  Now my other friend it is still awkward with us and our relationship will not be the same but hopefully it can at least be salvaged. Thanks again for the interesting reading!

  • You’re most welcome! I’m so glad this was helpful to you. I’ve had some friendships that entailed a lot of drama and simply didn’t work, and though it was painful to see them end, it ultimately ended up being the best thing for everyone involved. I hope you’re able to salvage your friendship with the other friend!

  • Womanbeautie

    I can identify with this soo well.

  • Brat

    My girlfriend friend is drama and me and my girlfriend fight becouse of her but my girlfirnd does not see that what do I do shes young im older then she is she acts like a kid and always trying to up one on me becouse shes know her longer

  • Everyone should read this. Its gives you a reality check. I hopefully can  practice some of this in my life

  • I’m glad you found this post helpful Cheryl!

  • Lacey

    This is wonderful!! Thank you!!

  • You’re welcome!

  • I feel ya

    Thank you for posting this. I am currently in a similar situation. I have come to the realization that I can’t do anything to make my sister happy, because she is unhappy. She fundamentally believes that my existence is such a burden and pain to her because it takes attention away from my mom, and she manipulates and abuses my overwhelming desire to have her love, or even like me. That being said, I am terrified to cut her out because I would never want to do that to my mom who actually just had a heart attack and now has a condition. At the very least, I have, for the first time yesterday, articulated how I felt about a particular issue which made me feel better, though she took the viewpoint that how I felt was invalid and really didn’t matter to her. What do you do? I can’t cut her out of my life because I care about who will be affected by this more than my own mental health I guess, but I have made it clear that I will no longer accept or stand for this type of behavior….which may make her cut me out of her life, like she did to our father. I guess if that happens then I will have to accept it and know for certain that she just doesn’t want a relationship with me, which is sad…

  • Ace 2sugar

    That nothing try living with two parents not knowing who is worst your mother or father drama queen or king of drama

  • Ace 2sugar

    Im not saying my is worst than yours but almost 23 years of drAma as result my brothers they have no empathy they pushing me too be less empathic

  • One is best advised to leave the dramas of our lives as we find them, and do our best to find ways to work within them.

  • Wow! thank you for this article! I had a best friend for 12 years, and he got this new girlfriend and ever since they started going out, she has been causing drama between me and my friendship with my friend!

    She’s always telling him I’m a bad person, I’m a liar, I’m a crook, I’m not an honest person… Every time we suppose to hang out she always makes herself present when it’s suppose to be just the 2 of us, every time I call him to talk on the phone she’s in the background causing problems, and at one point he even tried to help me find a job working for someone and his girlfriend went out of her way to get me fired by telling this lady all stupid lies about me!!!

    I had to take a break from all of this!!! This was stressing me out to the point of having panic attacks and my doctor said this stress was not good for my health… I took a break from our friendship for a few months and than I called him recently just to see how’s he doing and he’s complaining about his girlfriend how she does stupid things like ignore him when her friends are around, belittle him, accuses him of keeping secrets from her, and now she’s complaining to him about his other friends since I took myself out of the picture, saying stuff like “don’t do music with your friends, they just going to steal your music!”

    Every time i try to confront him about his girlfriend, he gets mad and never does anything about it. He calls me “childish” when I just want to know “WHAT DID I DO WRONG WHERE THIS GIRL HAS A PROBLEM WITH ME?!!!” Than he gets engaged to this girl and lies to me saying he’s been seeing other women at his job!!! I don’t understand why he had to lie to me about getting engaged??? I really don’t care what he does with his life, I mean for the past 12 years I’ve known him, all he does is cheats on every women he’s been with!! He’s even gotten 2 women pregnant, his ex girlfriend and his current girlfriend at the same time and they both had abortions in the same month! What you do with your life is your business, all I care about is the truth and I don’t like people causing problems for me for no reasons!

    So a few days ago he said he wanted to put an end to the situation, I told my side of the story, I was on the speaker phone so everyone can hear what I have to say. My only question was “what have I done to this girl to deserve having her trying to ruin my life???” She didn’t want to get on the phone to answer any of the questions I brought up. He said he will call me back to resolve the issue. I’ve waited for hours for him to call me back because I really want to hear what stupid excuses she has to say about me!!! When he called me back he left this stupid dumb message saying “lets just forget everything and let everything go and just move on.” WOW!!! SO WHAT IS THE TRUTH??? AND WHERE IS MY DAMN APOLOGY?!!!

    I was very hurt by that message because yes, I want to resolve everything but also, what did I do wrong? It seems like no one can tell me what I did wrong and he keeps sweeping everything under the rug… If I really did something wrong, than tell me!!! Why complain and not have a legitimate reason for the complaint???

    My friend of 12 years turned out to be an absolute PUNK! I have been there for him, done so much for him, and when his girlfriend started giving me problems for no reason, all he does is makes excuses for everything she does…. It hurts me to death but I cut him off for good now after seeing how he was never a REAL friend to begin with… If he had a problem with my girlfriend, I would have resolved the problem from the beginning. But unfortunately he turned out to be a fake friend who is only friends with you to take what you have to offer and don’t bother to give back. I thought at least we would have valued our friendship enough not to let anything hurt it but after 12 wasted years, I was wrong.

    I am happy to have let go of him because now I feel much better and every morning I wake up it’s like a breath of fresh air.

    After reading this article, I have decided to examine my life and to cut of anything and everything that is causing drama to the point of me suffering from panic attacks… Right now I see a lot of people in my life I have known for years and right now I am going to make the decision to cut off every one because I have been hurt and unhappy for many years and all I do is try to be good to every one even though they have hurt me a great deal… I feel it is not fair that people have really destroyed my happiness even though I wake up every morning trying to make every one happy… Thank you for this article, it has done a great deal of good for me:)

  • Tocarbutyrsrlf

    This is so true. Stepping back and looking.You can only control what you can control.When you hold resentment toward another you are bound to that person or condition by a emotional link that is stronger then steel desolving that link (forgiveness) resolve=no inner turmoil=break the link

  • Kimmeh

    Thank-you Lori!

    For awhile I hadn’t realized I was letting a certain friend feed on my drama, and it came to the point where a different friend pointed it out since I started associating it with positive coddling pretty much. I feel much better accepting their feedback. Never even saw it coming but there it was!

  • Friend_Drama_Pleasehelp???

    Im in the eighth grade and graduation in two months

    I just lost two friends named Ashley and Cornilla, they were talking about me behind my back and made me feel like shit. I lost them both, and it made me feel really depressed for a while. Now they started talking to my best friend Lilly. She told me 3 days ago that she was annoyed at me, but wont tell me what so now she is ignoring me and hasn’t been responding to me talking, emailing, chatting, or texts. I can’t find out why she is “annoyed” at me, but she keeps talking to Cornilla and Ashley. How can I get back Lilly? And talk to her? I really need help, its been creating soo much drama, let alone the fact that my dad is in jail, and my sister cuts herself. Please help me?

  • Hi there~

    I’m so sorry to hear about what’s been going on with your friends–and your family. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot all at once. Regarding your friend Lily, maybe it would help to send her one long email explaining why this hurts you, how much you miss your friendship, and how you’d appreciate it if she’d let you know why she’s annoyed. She might not respond right away. If she’s decided to “side” with these other two girls who are talking about you, she might be blinded to just how hurtful her actions are right now. So once you send it, you may need to let her go for a bit until she decides she’s ready to respond. Do you have other friends you could spend time with in the meantime?

    I know you mentioned your dad’s in jail and your sister is in a difficult mental state. Is your mom around? Can you talk to her about what’s going on? Or are there any other friends or relatives you trust who you can confide in?

    I remember when I was in junior high I was bullied a lot–and it got so bad that I’d do anything to avoid going to school. I was lost and lonely, and I thought no one cared or understood. In retrospect, I wish I told someone how bad it was and what I was going through. I think if I did, someone would have helped me get through it. In fact, my aunt told me recently she had no idea how bad it was for me back then (after reading my book). Is there anyone who you could let in so they could help you?


  • PP

    I think this is what I need to learn myself with some aspects of my life. There has always been drama around me, it used to be other people’s drama but now it I can’t seem to avoid my own problems! It is important to step back and evaluate how important it really is. Ask yourself “will this affect me in a years time?” really helps that. Although to be fair having a disability and people not understanding it is really hard to just ‘let go’.

  • Linda Rhodes

    I’ve found this post so so helpful. Thank you

  • You’re welcome. I’m glad it was helpful to you!

  • Ushma

    Tinybuddha is my favourite sites! All the articles are so great and they make me feel better every time I feel horrible about my life!

    So, I have a problem. Every person that I’ve ever befriended has put me down. I feel so betrayed…..All of my ‘Best friends’ turned out be bad people….I hate hanging out with GROUPS of people because I’m extremely scared they’ll pick on me because that’s what has always happened.
    When I’m sad, they’re all there to help…But I don’t have anybody in my life(Besides my family) that completely understands me.

    I developed anxiety last year and I really wish to be carefree again and I don’t wanna be scared anymore.

    What should I do?

  • Hi Ushma,

    I’m glad you’ve enjoyed Tiny Buddha! I can relate to what you wrote about the fear of hanging out in groups of people. Having been bullied as a kid, I felt the same way for a long time. One thing that’s helped me is to challenge my belief that all people will act the same as others have in the past. When I let my guard down a little, I feel less pressured, and it’s easier to relax and enjoy myself. I also find that people respond to me differently when I’m less tense.

    As far as hanging out with people who put you down, well, that’s a whole different story! It sounds like you just haven’t met people who are compatible for friendships. Do you have any hobbies, or do you do anything regularly that allows you to meet like-minded people?


  • rockinahardplace

    I want to cut my sister our. She is older then me by 7 years and acts like a young teen not getting her way, needless to say, I also have my mom. It would hurt her if I did this. How can I get the peace needed without hurting my mom.

  • Hi there,

    I’m sure you’ve put a lot of thought into this, and this might seem like a silly question to ask–but have you talked to your sister about how deeply her actions bother you? I know that sometimes it’s best to end a relationship, but I also know how difficult it can be when it’s family. I’m just curious if you’ve made up your mind, or if you’re still open to healing that relationship…



    I am in college but I haven’t been able to join any groups due to my anxiety :/

  • Perhaps it would help to start small–tell yourself you are going to go to one meeting for 15 minutes only. And then if you’re able to do that, next time increase the time you spend. Repeated exposure can help a great deal, because it allows you to slowly stretch your comfort zone.


    The quote that most stuck out for me was ‘If I have an issue with someone I go straight to them to talk about it, and I don’t talk to anyone else about it if they aren’t involved. Gossip breeds drama! ~Kristie Sherman’ after reading this I suddenly came to the realisation that, this is why drama surrounds me. And as your article also states I have been thinking to myself ‘why is it always me’ I even found myself screaming that at myself today. I have suddenly realised I AM THE GOSSIP! When I am upset about a situation or ‘drama’ I will tell people/ friends that it doesn’t concern therefore unknowingly making things worse for myself. I am so ashamed of myself. I am the drama queen creating drama from my own mouth and how could it take 29 years to realise this? Well as hard as I imagine it will be breaking a habit of a lifetime I know I have to stop this now. Thank you for this article its opened my eyes to who I truly am.

  • You’re most welcome! I felt the same way when I first realized I was causing drama–but I think it says something about us that we’re willing to be self-aware, even when it’s hard. That’s something to be proud of. I’m glad this was helpful to you. =)

  • ryukage99

    For me now,I was in some real drama for the last 8 wks. I was going to party to meet guys (I’m gay ) and make friends and playmates. I have Asperger’s that it’s hard for communicate to people offline.So I had a aisunderstanding that boiled over to full drama.I go this party not for that plus I have a boyfriend that wanted get this drama with those guys resolved to I can bring him along to the party. I had fun at first but I think whole was simple me not being “too friendly” with them when I already told those guys that I have boyfriend.Some of those guys were asking me “when are you gonna bring him ?” Plus ,I don’t see him that often because I can’t drive because I’m legally blind in one eye.He works alot.I feel like I want to come back to the party eventually but I don’t know how to deal the drama?

  • Ushma

    Wow! Thank you! I’m gonna try it!
    Great site 😀

  • You’re most welcome!

  • bonsespellhome


  • Christi Morgan

    I stopped dealing with drama queens a long time ago, just by asking myself a few questions. 1- Does this affect ME directly? 2- Does this affect any one I love directly? 3- Does this affect my job or source of income? 4- Does this affect my home? If the answer to those questions is a resounding NO, then it’s drama, and I’ll walk away. Don’t get me wrong though, for my friends and what’s left of my family (because I’ve cut off a few branches of my family tree) I’ll always have a sympathetic ear (and tell them what they shouldn’t really be worrying about), but like I tell those that have (unwanted) opinions about MY life, If you’re not feeding me, financing me or fu@$&ng me, your opinion dosen’t count.

  • monalisa

    my name is Monalisa, i want to give almighty praise to MADAM GLADYS who
    me to cure my HIV POSITIVE, please help me to give thanks to her she is a
    great woman who God send from heaven to save people’s life, this woman
    save the life of my friend who have HIV/AID POSITIVE ALSO, please thank
    her for me, also if you have any type of problem you can also
    contact him to help you out on it, she is a wonderful woman, her email
    is: BABYSTEMPLEREALITY@GMAIL.COM contact him now for him to help
    you too.

  • Bernille

    Good morning everyone, my name is Miss Bernille from brazil, i have been suffering from Hiv/Aids for over 4years now, and suddenly, i have spent all my money all to make sure i get healthy all day, but happily, last month january 12th 2013, i came in contact with a traditional doctor also known as a chief priest on a newspaper who is called Dr KPELEDE who has help much people to cure their aids disease, firstly i taught it was a joke until i contacted him ” ” and he said that if i am ready for this work, i told him yes, and he collected my details and told me that after he has finished consulting his oracle he will run back to me on when to go for a medical check up, i was unhealthyling surprise. And truly last week monday Dr KPELEDE called me to quickly go for a medical checkup, which i did, only to find out that i was not with any HiV disease anymore, my friends and families who left me before run back to me. I now found out that God in Heaven is using this man to bless and heal us all, he is a great and powerful man, again i say to you sir, that God almightly will uplift you and your great work you did for i and other people. Pls i will sincerely advice all Hiv patient to contact this great powerful man called Dr KPELEDE for your solutions now at : he will help you on your Hiv problems email:

  • em

    My mom is that way I recently vented out in email to her. She’s a crazymaker, jekel/hyde personality. Kind of person that would lie about blue being red to your face and probably pass a lie detector. Felt better and permantly cut her off. Now I myself am trying to recover. Tried the one sided thing and small talk and without bringing her drama to feed on, it got worse by her creating drama about me. May be awhile. I have no idea how to cocommunicate otherwise. it feels foreign. Right now I’m trying to make sure I at least only say positive things in reference to the past. Drama free people see me and probably feel a primal urge to bolt but dramatic people love to hang around me. I think cause i still crave excitement, I still give off the vibe though I am aware now. I think deep down we just wanna feel loved. Problems and all. And know we aren’t alone. That’s what our normal family was for, but most of us never got normal families. Gotta let go of even the idea of a family for me I guess.

  • Guest

    Thank you for this post. You phrased what I went through perfectly: well into my twenties, all of my friendships with women looked a lot like junior high. I’ve had my share of drama in friendships in the past two years. Once I started to weed out toxic friendships here and there, I had breath of fresh air. I’ve come to a conclusion that there are people who live for drama. They crave attention and want drama in their lives. It was easy to just point my fingers at my toxic friends or even worse, engage in drama. I didn’t do anything for years. I stopped playing the victim and went through a purging stage where I chose to remove toxic friendships. The drama didn’t completely come to an end when I removed my toxic friends. My choice to remove them from my life was yet another drama for them – something for them to feed off of. I let them create drama amongst themselves. I’ve been told by close friends that either they must have a lot of free time on their hands or their lives are not exciting. I can’t understand how one of my toxic friends can have a full-time job yet cyber stalk me and mock every single status and comment I’ve made on social media. She even impersonated me online by posting something in my name. Clearly, my toxic friend needs to get a life. Or she has psychological problems of her own. I will leave it at that because she doesn’t even know what she’s doing is wrong. Having said that, I’ve stopped reacting altogether and life has been peaceful again. I’ve kept healthy friends around – friends who don’t live for drama, respect my boundaries and are busy working towards achieving their goals in life. There is a saying that birds of a feather flock together. People who live for drama get along with people who also live for drama. They love creating drama and feed off of each other’s drama. We all have a choice to walk away from drama especially when we are not seeking for one in our lives.

  • You’re most welcome. It’s nice to know that someone else can relate!

    I’m sorry to hear about the things your former friend has done. It sounds like you’ve made some wise decisions about who you’ve kept in your life. I know from experience it can be hard to draw that line, but sometimes we need to do that for own well-being!

  • Gl

    I just ended it with a drama freak. I keep attracting men who make my life a living hell. Everything he said just feels bad, I’m all around a bad person to him, no matter what I did to try to prove him wrong. I want him to be the last one. I took 2 years off of dating to clear my head. This one came into my life to drive some things home about how i choose partners. I just don’t need a bunch of crap in my life. There is this cycle with him. He and I exchange angry words. He tells me to F off…then I do. 3 days later he’s back again. He told me to F off and move on a few weeks ago and I thought I’d never hear from him again. I was in pain and slept with someone. Well he once again screwed with my head by feigning he liked me…but doesnt want a relationship. I told him I slept with this person in hopes he would leave me alone…it had the opposite effect and he’s been calling me a whore all day. I am afraid if how he will tell all these people how bad he thinks I am. I have to hold my head high, rise above and never respond. I wish I had the strength earlier. It’s times like these that makes me realize where my life is lacking. And where I create drama. I’m taking measures to fill the holes that I tried to fill with this jerk. Drama free, dear God…no more of this.

  • Natalie

    i have a miracle testimony to share with everyone, is the only lord who could ever get my HIV cured with his healing prophet saibaba who prayed for me, I have tried almost everything but I couldn’t find any solution on my disease, despite all these happening to me, I always spend a lot to buy a HIV drugs from hospital and taking some several medications but no relieve, until one day I was just browsing on the internet when I come across a great post of! jessy! who truly said that she was having a relationship problem with her husband which will lead to divorce and after the prophet prayed the marriage was settled, sometime I really wonder why people called him prophet saibaba I never knew it was all because of the great and perfect work that he has been doing that is causing all this. so I quickly contacted him, and he ask me some few questions and he said a thing I will never forget that anyone who contacted him is! always getting his or her healing in just believing and have faith after doing all he ask you, so I was amazed all the time I heard that from him, so I did all things only to see that i should do, all the strength that has left me before rush back and I becomes very strong and healthy, this disease almost kills my life all because of me, so I went to hospital to give the final test to the disease and the doctor said I am HIV negative, I am very amazed and happy about the healing from the lord through prophet saibaba gave to me, you can email him now for your own healing too at


  • Anonymous

    No offense but I can’t help finding it hypocritical that you are using the guise of helping others improve their lives on this site while making a ton of money from creating and hosting this website. I would love to know how much money you are raking in each month from the banner revenues. Easy to live a drama-free life when you are exploiting other peoples’ problems to enrich yourself !

  • Hi there,

    I do make a living from running this site, as it’s my full-time job. I try to be conservative with advertising, though, only running ads for causes I believe in, and only a few in the sidebar (as opposed to placing ads in the middle of posts, using pop-up ads, etc.), because the reader experience is my top priority.

    I understand the skepticism about someone earning money from doing something that helps others, but unfortunately, we live in a world where we all need to earn a living in order to meet our needs. And I am no exception.

    Still, despite the fact that I run a personal growth website for a living, I don’t live a drama-free life. I still have struggles, like anyone else, and some days are better than others.

    I hope that you’ve found some value in the site, as that truly is my greatest intention in doing this.

    Sending good thoughts your way,

  • Crystal

    My, Mother is exactly a lot of what people are describing as “Drama Queen”. Funny, you can know a term or phrase all your life, and not understand the meaning…until, years later and your, looking at your life through different glasses. I’m, now in my late twenties but my Mother; she, treats me like a child, to an insulting degree! She’s, put me down over personal situations in my life and “full-on” in your face, sort of way. I’ve,gotten to the point; where, I have to stay away from her! Or, she’s going to create something, over a small situation, In, fact since I grew up being raised by her…at some point…I, think I developed some of the personality traits of a drama queen. Only, now I’m realizing this through, another person in my life and I’am, trying to turn a new leaf! Therapy, just doesn’t always cut it with certain situations. Especially, if your afraid of one of your parents’ reaction to “Family, group therapy and discussing problems”. I, know my Mother well enough-she, would be immediately insulted and she’d attack me, without allowing me to explain. She, seems to not like it when I respond in calm and collected behavior. I’ve, noticed this and I, continue using this as my strategy if I’am around her. Because, you prick a nerve and she, automatically explodes. She, has some psychological issues but, it’s not a reasonable enough-accuse, to emotionally abuse people/ peoples. My, Mother’s been a Drama Queen, my whole life and she refuses to see the light of her situation. She, refuses to believe their’s anything “wrong” with her character. She, doesn’t wanna change and you can’t force her to see reason or logic. I, use logic on her in some form and she, tries starting a shouting match with me and I, restrain from stooping to her level and reacting harshly. If, you can’t completely cut out a family member or someone, from your life and they’re a drama queen. You, sometimes have to take thing’s with a grain of salt and move on, with your life and not let them, suck the happiness out of you.

  • get out of my life scumshit!

    She will not change! She will get more psychotic! Maybe if you cut her, like with a switch knife she would learn? Some people need that kind of violence upon them to wake the fuck up about them being fucked up them! In want to chop my sisters heads off! Then watch the them running headless till they drop to the ground and watch them bleed out like I saw so many people doing that at work at the slaughter shop! Talk about treating people as if they are cows, try working in hospitals! Its why I fired entire galaxies! Do you have any idea how many people hate that RN who uses pain medication as a weapon for their inferiority complexes to that patient? I do! Thinking that they are gods? I do! Had a man tell me about nurses like them tonight! He ran out of the hospital due to suffering as an escape! Who is to blame for that? The power control tyrannist that is who! I refused to be her! Where I could have easily used that same weaponry upon people! Now all of you pathetic little tyrants for people deserve her and earned her rather than me! Suffa!

  • get out of my life scumshit!

    I am super apathetic about people now! I look forward to hearing about their death sentences being carried out! The balance of empathy for me is the person who asks and begs for it vs the scumshit monster beast who thinks they can steal and take! They require great apathy! I have done that my entire life! I would pity the pathetic! Now the pathetic requires elimination and apathy from me!

  • get out of my life scumshit!

    The answer is perception! People that have limited minds perceive only what they are.

  • get out of my life scumshit!

    Exactly! If people place wrongful assault due to their incivility and falsehoods than they are beasts! Psalm 49 is correct! Why it turned into a massive killer called Ebola is what I am questioning now about all of you. Because it occurred.

  • get out of my life scumshit!

    OK! Since you women have been around all of these pathetic desperate little men, what’s happening to them? Are they all being like eliminated out of the xy chromosomes on earth? Was I right about that? Because from what you all told me is that women are causing the elimination of the male gene pool due to them not being men to all of you! I couldn’t imagine that they got even worse! But they did! You women bitched non stop globally about men! And you are 150% correct ok! In gave them the benefit of doubt due to once in a blue moon a good one! Then what he even does is then act like van arrogant or ignorant or stupid little man that goes kicked to the curb with me! Why its so weird all they do is complain complain complain about all of you women to me then if I am around him for longer than a day, I am on your side! Then I know why you become alcoholics because of him! He drives you to drink! Why do you even put up with him in the first place? Really! Women told me that even as heterosexuals they go around acting and telling people they are lesbians to get rid of them! That’s weird! Because like him saying, ok, i will marry you, be your puppy dog, wag my tail, obey every command, just for a chance, ok! with most men that would influence them to seek you more due to their delusions about themselves! I am completely lost about that issue! If you want to get rid of them you have to tell them get lost! Go away! No! What happened to that occurance? Why are you women making those kinds of statements, then stating that they are delusional men?

  • get out of my life scumshit!

    Mine rolled over in her grave over my sisters! Both sisters were called monsters by her own family members! Those kinds of sisters require elimination! With my family I chose to leave. I do not want any of them in my life. None. They proved not worthy to be in my life as beasts for people! All of them! I tried. They failed. They kept failing. There comes a time when wiping the slate completely clean of monsters for people in your life necessary. I tried. And what occurred to me is that the strangers in the united states loved me more! Thousands upon thousands of people. More loving. More caring. More thoughtful. More everything. Than all of them in my family. My counselors. They helped me keep my mind together from vicious people who should have loved me better and more. What occurs is that due to so many beasts for people, I start identifying personality disorders. That I cannot tolerate at all now in mine! Due to these beasts for people. The loss of believing in civilized humanity due to them. I pick apart in my mind every little thing about each person. Its useless now! I do it automatically. Then I make a decision about wantingbthem in my life or not! There is too much psychopathy and sociopathy I pick up about everyone! I help you people because you even beg me than you gave the audacity to be arrogant?

  • get out of my life scumshit!

    Your arrogance is pathetic about yourselves. You are as pathetic as to need a place to sleep and then tell me what to do in my own home! So you end up completely out of my life. Where I did not do that to you! If i did straight to your faces it was over your drug ane alcohol abuse that i do not want to be around. If I wrote something of truth about you then it did enter your home! You did require to be told about ugly you! A man was murdered last month due to his drug problems and the people he chose to be around. Shot to death for his money. And I met them. And they told me that they planned to get him to his bank for them to steal his money! Over drugs another person was killed. You people cause such murders. Over drugs. Money. Booze. Violence.. In your psychopathies like them. I identify you quick! Always have. Many people died around me died to such ugly beast! If I do not want to be around you there is always good reason! Get out of my life completely and stay the fuck out of it!

  • Betty

    Lori’s not getting money from YOU, so what is the problem? You have a place here to post your troubles and get responses from others, for FREE! She puts a lot of work into this, it’s HER business, and it’s NONE of YOUR business how much she makes from it. What is wrong with earning money from helping others???

  • Tawanna Fuller

    Good day everyone, I have been suffering from Hiv/Aids for over 4years now, and suddenly, i have spent all my money all to make sure i get healthy all day, but happily, last month january 12th 2013, I came in contact with a traditional doctor also known as a chief priest on a newspaper who is called dr isaac who has help much people to cure their aids disease, firstly i taught it was a joke until i contacted him ” ‘’ ” and he said that if i am ready for this work, i told him yes, and he collected my details and told me that after he has finished consulting his oracle he will run back to me on when to go for a medical check up, i was un healthyling surprise. And truly last week monday dr isaac called me to quickly go for a medical checkup, which I did, only to find out that I was not with any HiV disease anymore, my friends and families who left me before run back to me. I now found out that God in Heaven is using this man to bless and heal us all, he is a great and powerful man, again I say to you sir, that God almightly will uplift you and your great work you did for I and other people. Pls i will sincerely advice all Hiv patient to contact this great powerful man called dr isaac for your solutions now at ‘ he will help you on your Hiv problems…’

  • Amercan111

    So true.

  • sarah

    I recently got back with my ex who lwft a drama queen. Now that we are involved she eill find ways come unnanounced yell threaten him. How will I be able diffuse her anger which is feelings of hurt betrayal. Then again she had him on leash so tight he. Dnt breathe. How am I going be able diffuse her drama when it happens.

  • sarah

    My moms friend of 30 years is trying to be a home wrecker and told my dad a bunch of lies to get a favor from him she’s a home wrecker and I need the write word to say to her

  • Goop


    I was hoping people could help me. I have a friend who I do consider quite dear to me as we’ve been through a lot but lately all she has ever talked about with me was her relationship drama and I’m finding them to be very stressful. Is there a way to be able to still talk to her about other stuff and just avoid the relationship talks entirely?


  • Ellen

    I have a friend who I have known since grade school. She would always bring some kind of drama to the table. The problem was, my mom and her mom were acquainted, so they would talk. My friend invited me to her church, and I accepted, which turned out to be a mistake. But, i guess that is how you learn from mistakes! Going to her church was okay at first, but I was always being pressured into attending and participating in everything that this church had to offer. And it became apparent that this is how my friend’s family spent their time. Every time I went to that church, there would always be gossip and drama. What would usually happen my friend would introduce me to someone, and without thinking (or even just to be mean), say something inappropriate about me. I was and still am a private person. When something happens or I do something, I don’t tell the whole world. As far as going to her church almost every week, it was always my friend and her family pressuring me to go because if I told them no, they believed that I did not believe in God, etc. My own mother, never once stepped up to defend me. Anyway, every time that I went to church with them, I felt trapped. I was not always able to walk away from the crap and drama. I guess that the only thing that I could have done is just leave, and walk 6 miles home from this church. As far as turning to other people in the congregation, you pretty much end up spreading (the drama) because no one in that church would step up and do anything to protect or stick up for anyone. If you try to tell someone how another person is treating you or talking about you, you just end up being the one who spreads the gossip and drama because no one was interested in helping when a bad situation arises.. I have to say that even though we are still friends, we rarely, if ever see each other. We are Facebook friends, and that is pretty much it. My friend will never call me about anything unless something prompts her, like running into my mom at a restaurant or where ever. I think that the only reason she calls me anymore is when she sees my mom. The reaction always seems to be “Oh, I have to call Ellen!” I am smart enough to know that had she not run into my mom, she would never call me. It seems whenever we do see each other, she always has to ask if I go to church. I converted to Catholicism, and she apparently can’t stand it. Every time I see her, she will always ask if I want to go to her church, and yank me from where I go to church. So, I think that this is another problem in our friendship; she wants to make it about going to church with her, even though I had a bad experience at the church that she used to go to. In my mind, I think that she just wants to make it the same crap and drama as before if she still wants me to go to church with her and nothing more. The next time that I see her and she asks me about church, I will ask her why she always has to ask me that. I would like to know why she has not shown any kind of other real interest in me. I mean, I could move to another state, or get another job, or get married, and she would not even know because she doesn’t show any interest in me except whether I go to church.

  • SeriouslySpeaking

    Speaking of drama, there are a lot of Drama Queen women out there nowadays. And such Air Heads too.

  • BlackRose09

    Hello there!

    I wanted to ask you how should I incorporate this in a workplace? Especially in a workplace that you go in as a new person? I’m about to start my externship at a clinic as a Medical Assistant and I am pretty worried about this.

    I worked before during my summer breaks as a college student, and each one ALWAYS had so much gossip. It was worse when the ones who started them, bring me into it. One example is that two the senior workers at Walmart were fighting and when I came to work, they dragged me into their fight. Before I knew it, I was mistreated by random coworkers because they thought I was in one of the people’s side.

    I really want to avoid this in a new workplace, while at least make some new friends. Any advice?

  • Virginia Lodico Detroyer

    I can relate to your post. I also have a toxic sister that behaves in the same way. I helped her for 8 years, and she treated me terrible, after I couldn’t help her any more.

  • Bandana Biswal

    Love this ….u can see yourself in most of the situations.Its a great article you will learn a lot of things. I hope I can handle all dramatic people in my life….thank u very very much.

  • Guest

    I have a question. I know it really don’t have anything to do with this. But ever since I was born I’ve had this bestfriend. And as we’ve got older she’s been getting me into all sorts of drama. And I love her to death. But she’s over dramatic. So I’ll tell u our story now.
    Our parents didn’t know each other but my mom and dad knew her uncle. So her uncle came to visit me and she said that his sister just had a baby about a week ago and gave her the same name as me. And ever since then we’ve been inseparable. (We’re 12 now) But I’ve been trying to cut drama out of my life, but she keeps pulling it back in. And now, we are arguing. I am planning to apologize tomorrow so I don’t have enemy’s, but I don’t know if I should cut her from my life or not. Can u help me?

  • You’re most welcome!

  • Hi there,

    I think it’s great that you’ve been trying to cut drama out of your life. And I can understand why this is difficult, since you’ve known her for so long. Have you told her what, specifically, bothers you so she has a chance to make a change?


  • Kate Jones

    That sounds eerily similar to my aunt (mom’s sister). My entire immediate family has cut her off, and 95% of her friends have, as well. The only ones who will still respond to her are the ones who share her unenviable traits, as misery LOVES company. She is the most irresponsible, frivolous, superficial, self-absorbed, passive-aggressive and needy (yet undeserving) person I have ever met. There is nothing positive to be gained from spending any time with her. I tried, but unless I keep it up like some sort of unending obligation and say ‘yes’ every time she invites me, she will keep score of how long it has been since I called her or came over, critiques me and what I must have chosen to do instead of be with her, and proceeds to hold it against me. Please note, she was only semi-present in my childhood. I’m not sure what magical relationship she expects from someone she essentially ignored until I started working for her.

    I came to learn that she only cares about being served, and is basically a deficit of a person. She desires to feel validated, respected and chosen, but keeps seeking such validation from external sources, which is a recipe for sadness. Her unmet needs are in total control of her life, and yet it’s always someone else’s fault. She’s clearly very lonely and frustrated, but behaves in a way that repels others.

    I understand your reasons completely, and I relate to how therapeutic it can be to neutralize such poison, friend or family. I hope you are happier than before!

  • complicatedsituations

    Hi Lori, thank you so much for this article 🙂 I really liked this quote: “Speak less, listen more. You have time to hear and see the drama and sidestep it.”‎ & this one: “If I have an issue with someone I go straight to them to talk about it, and I don’t talk to anyone else about it if they aren’t involved. Gossip breeds drama!”- Thank you.

    While I was reading this, I said to myself I should have read this before I created all this mess. I’m in a difficult place right now. I realized I can be the cause of drama sometimes but it’s when people cross the limit and push me to do it. Here’s my story:

    I live with my grandma. She complains about my mother which is really irritating. She says that my mum doesn’t love her and that my mum is talking bad about her to everyone i.e. my aunt and her husband, my uncle’s girlfriend, her friends, etc. I don’t believe that my mum doesn’t love my grandma but it is likely of my mum to tell her life stories to other people and it is possible that she could mention my grandma in somewhat a bad way. With my mother, I know she runs her mouth too much and I can’t predict anything because it seems like she has different sides to herself. You know when you think you know a person, but its turns out you don’t know em at all? Yeah kinda like that.

    The thing is, my grandma has been angry at my mum because apparently my mum never wants to listen to her and keeps talking really rudely with her. So she hasn’t spoken to my mum properly and every time my mum rings, she passes the phone to me.
    Then my grandma takes all the problems she has with my mum, out on me! She complains about my mum, to me! I don’t like it and I most certainly don’t like getting involved in these things because there’s constant drama in my family and I try to stay out of it most of the time.

    Anyway, my grandma started complaining about me to my cousin (my aunt’s son) who I’m very close with and obviously he ended up telling me. I got upset because it’s hypocritical of my grandma to say to me that my mum is complaining about her all the time to her friends yet she goes and complains to my cousin about me and making me look bad. I got fed up, decided to get involved and finish the story.

    I called my mum and told her to stop bitching about my grandma to everyone and my aunt especially, because she tells my grandma things. I told her to be careful who she says things to (because things do go round and you can’t trust anyone nowadays). I told her not to involve anyone in her problems and if she’s got something to say to my grandma, she should tell her directly. My mum got angry, misinterpreted what I said and whispered to someone that’s with her, ‘My sister is spreading shit about me again.’ She misunderstood. My aunt didn’t say anything. It’s my grandma telling me these things. She started shouting at me on the phone saying that she never spoke bad about her mum and all she asked my aunt was why was their mum upset with her blah blah blah…

    After I finished from the phone my grandma kept on asking me what I said to my mum about her and my aunt but I didn’t want to tell my grandma this because I thought she’d get upset that I said all these things to my mum.. She got upset with me anyways and she probably thought I was talking bad about her. So I decided to call my aunt and tell her everything that I said to my mum and what my mum said back so she can make things right between me and my grandma and my mum and my grandma. I thought she could help me sort things out but I ended up causing more problems. My aunt got angry at me because I said to my mum ‘Stop bitching about my grandma to everyone and especially my aunt.’ She said that all she did was try to fix my mum’s relationship with my grandma and that she said to my grandma to stop ignoring my mum.

    My aunt had an argument with my grandma, she told her everything I said and then texted my mum saying ‘I wasn’t spreading shit about you!!! I can’t believe you would think that of me!’ etc. My mum ended up calling me and asking me ‘What have you done?!’ and she swore she never said that my aunt was spreading shit about her and that I was on the other line how could I have heard that blah blah blah… So I had an argument with my mum, aunt and grandma.. My grandma doesn’t want to speak to my mum or my aunt ever again, my aunt doesn’t want to speak to my grandma, mum or me ever again and my mum is just left hanging there, extremely angry at me, insulting me every time I talk to her. I know they’re not going to speak to each other, everyone’s too proud to let their guard down. They’re not going to give in.

    This is no one’s fault but mine. I take full responsibility for all that has happened and I should have just listened and kept my mouth shut no matter how angry I was. Heck, I should have never gotten involved in the first place. I hate getting dragged into situations like this, I don’t like drama but yet I seem to ignite it. Instead of making everything better, I make it worse. Words flow out of my mouth without me thinking twice. I just get stuck in the middle sometimes and I don’t know what to do so I end up making quick decisions without even thinking. I don’t think before I do/speak, that’s my problem. I just hate myself for all that has happened and I don’t know how to fix this. I’ll just wait it out to see what’s going to happen next. Great.

  • I’m sorry to hear about the drama in your family. I hope you’re not being too hard on yourself. It’s hard not to react impulsively in situations like these, and it sounds like your mother and grandmother aren’t setting the best example through their actions. The good news is you’re self-aware, which means you’ll likely respond more wisely in the future. I’ve always believed that any experience can be valuable if we learn from it, and it sounds to me like you have!

  • anonymous

    I realize drama follows me. Maybe I attract it out of boredom but I no longer want the drama and hope God is removing it Now that I’m more aware that this is why people don’t want to be around me or want to interact with me. They don’t want to hear about my problems and don’t like my attention seeking. I think I do for a need to belong somewhere since I have a controlling mom and I do want true friendships. A true need for reliable, sincere people.

  • Hi Tipis,

    Is there a particular topic you’re interested in?


  • tipis

    Thanks for responding so promptly Lori. So there isnt actually any particular topic- just want an overall spiritual overhaul… as in from my experience of trying to be a happier person, ( and from all the ‘wisdom’ i have accessed from books and people and websites like this one) I have learnt that one needs to practice the stuff one knows to be more enabling… so in my ‘spiritual journey’ to live a more fuller, fulfilling, peaceful life, I have found new/fresh spiritual or self- growth perspectives help me widen my scope and strength towards positive energies, feel more excited- and stay on practicing…. it helps to read new stuff, and evolve more…. so i suppose I am not looking for anything specific…..
    but okay… if I have to describe a recent state of feeling stuck- I feel that perhaps I really dont care that much about the world- what if I cant find a true deep connect to generosity, compassion, gratitude…. if its true that we are all deep inside truly loving people… how do i tap into in a more lasting manner to a reservoir of love in me… it has been close to four years since I have seen a therapist, psychiatrist, read many interesting books and websites- of which I have already listed my fav three- Tara brach, Tiny Buddha, and the book Magic. ….
    and i must say I have come a long long way from feeling depressed and hopeless….. but i feel the need to evolve and strengthen more.. Tiny Buddha articles helps me a lot to unknot specific situations… thanks a ton! … but i was hoping to find other resources from you… to continue knowing more…

  • tipis

    to list some of my weak points ( in case what i have said is still too vague)… performance anxiety is a big one, cant help being calculative… though i am not stingy, cant say that i am generous.. jealous sorts.

  • Hi Tipis,

    Pema Chodron has so many wonderful books that could help with your “spiritual overhaul,” so you may want to check out her work. I’ll let you know if I can think of any other books you may want to check out. You might also want to post this in the forums to get recommendations from the whole community. If you’re not already a member, you can join here:

    Have a wonderful day!


  • tipis

    Thanks Lori. Will definitely check out Pema Chodron. Adding myself to the community. thank you!

  • You’re most welcome!

  • L

    So, here’s my dillema. I seem to attract a lot of drama into my life, but it’s a side effect of my work, my neighbourhood and sometimes family. To give an example of a two week snippet of my life – I was almost run over by car that mounted the sidewalk and crashed into a fence a few feet in front of me, a felon tracked me down where I lived (job related) AND a close relative passed away.

    This type of thing has been going on all my life in one form or another. Of course I’m affected by it. But the net result is I look like the dramatic, toxic one! So, I don’t say much anymore because no matter what the circumstance I get judged. Oi

  • J

    I’ve grown up with a toxic Mother and as an adult am realizing this . I’ve always craved her approval and I’m not sure why . I suppose as a daughter you just want your Mother to proud of you . Anything I do or have done has never been good enough . She’s overly critical and has an opinion for everything and everyone . She’s critiqued and picked apart every aspect of my life . I’m tired of it . Ive not called her in weeks . She called me last week and she carried on like it was so awful of me for to have not to called her . She tries to put on the guilt trip because she knows I’m soft hearted and thinks it will work (again) … She tends to drag others into her drama . Makes herself look like a victim and blames others before she bothers to look at herself first . I’ve always blamed myself and always have been very hard on myself my entire life …I’m 40 years old and I’m tired of feeling like everything I do and say isn’t good enough for her …she has no idea or cares how that can ware on a person . In the end it’s me who is the ” bad guy” and her who looks like the victim . I realize it doesn’t matter anymore . I have to do what’s best for me . I just have this innate sense of guilt that I can’t seem to shake . Which leaves me questioning my own actions . I have a little boy and she asks why he hasn’t called her and I ask why don’t you call him ? It’s always me that has to call …it’s really Silly … if my son wanted to talk to her he would tell me and I would let him ,but he hasn’t really talked about it in a while . I’m not the kind of person who would keep him away on purpose …I leave the choice to call or see her up to him . …

  • peaceandsailboats

    Me too, but with my younger sister of one year. She is also my mother’s favorite, which helps her greatly in her quest to stir up drama. She is so manipulative and passive aggressive that for years she had everyone believing that I was the dramatic one. I slowly learned details about how she had set me up over the years, and when confronted she didn’t bother to stop, so I have stopped communication with her.
    I still see her when she is in town (which isn’t much), but it’s usually complicated and stressful, and she treats everyone like crap. I only see her to appease my mother, and get to see my little niece.

  • James Laing-Smith

    On a two week retreat I was given the advice of a lifetime, “Life is a drama but you are not the drama.”

  • James Laing-Smith

    I recently, after a month long retreat, decided it was time to meet up with a sister I had cut myself off from for twenty years. I instantly realised what a big naïve mistake that was. She was more complex and subtle in her methods still she expressed what I can only label as a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, It was a toxic two days trapped in her home, I have never been so mentally exhausted, on my return my partner could not believe I had just come off a 1 month silent retreat. There was an attempt later to pull me into her orbit with mild accusations of not returning unsolicited phone calls, I wrote to say that I would be happy to communicate via email but as soon as I share what is going on in my life she does not reply as a way of attempting to manipulate from afar. She has my compassion as it cannot be in anyway pleasant to live your life like that, and at times I see shadows of her in me when I am under existential pressure. It is a familial trait, wish expresses itself through the female line, though I have been conditioned by being reared amongst it, and as a Buddhist it is incumbent that I work to change the internal and external conditions that bring that to the fore, one of the principal ways I realise is to stay away from my sister who I wish all the best without me and the practice of kindness, the contemplation of my own and others death, and the mantra just for today I am enough just for today I have enough, that I have nothing to prove, just being is enough. May all beings be happy may all beings be well.

  • ifyouknowwhatimean

    I have a big ass drama queen of a friend and I can already feel the drama tomorrow, will keep these tips in mind thanks!

  • Don Dressel

    I had a great life until my ex destroyed everything with her unhappiness
    I divorced her and moved on
    She still contacts me with asking me for money
    She already took everything
    I lost my home and everything else and on top of it my dad died
    He was wonderful!
    Now I’m trying to rebuild my life and told her to
    Leave me alone
    Remember if someone in your life is unhappy there is nothing you can do to fix it!
    It’s there problem
    Only they can make themselves happy
    Move on and find your own happiness
    Take care of yourself
    Thank God I have a good family

  • Don Dressel

    Thank you Lori for your site
    It has helped me tremendously

  • You’re most welcome, Don. I’m glad it’s been helpful to you!

  • SoManyToday

    Speaking of Drama, Drama Queens are everywhere these days Unfortunately.

  • Nene

    I have recently went through the same thing with my older sister but the only thing about that is we work together I like my job so I dnt wanna leave and its a good paying job what should I do…. any suggestions?

  • Valerie Watts

    “Spending time by myself is preferable to drama, …..nothing wrong with a dull day…” Stephanie Goddard
    Goddard must be a dull person if she finds her own company dull.

  • I would add that trying to control others and/or their lives and choices creates drama as well. I don’t know how anyone has the energy! LOL

  • True

    Drama Queen women are everywhere these days Unfortunately. Get a life already.

  • So True

    Drama queens unfortunately have a lot of mental issues which they really need help very bad.

  • Karole

    Great article!

  • sian e lewis

    may I add one suggestion. If you enjoy drama, join a drama group and try to give it positive creative expression

  • Ramona Flowers

    Great read! As I have read in the Consumer Health Digest that most of the time anxiety is caused by our environment, If I can follow this guide, I think I will be able to leave a stress free life, hopefully

  • So true – environment plays a huge role. I’m glad you found this helpful!

  • Lori, thank you so much for sharing. I can relate. I had so many incredibly toxic friendships over the years where I’d often found myself wondering – why do I even have those relationships in my life when it created nothing but pain and drama..?! That’s when I’ve realised just how “hooked” I was on that heart-stopping rollercoaster of deep-diving and skyrocketing emotions… and then, I had to cut those ties loose – as hard as it was at first, I never regret that decision. I’ve decided to leave the drama to Hollywood, in my life I wanted nurturing friendships, where both parties felt replenished and energised and all sorts of good… xo

  • I’m with you, Lesya! Though I live pretty close to Hollywood and I love a good dose of that drama from time to time. =)

  • Thanks!

    i was going through the same thing… thanks so much

  • Zara

    I never know if I’m the one who starts the drama. I say my honest opinion about how I feel and everyone just gets offended. There is also this girl I know and she always wants to be involved in everything and be the centre of attention, she also butts into conversations that don’t involve her.