“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~Mahatma Gandhi
Up until my early twenties, I carried around a lot of anger toward someone in my life. I’d been hurt by a person I trusted, and for a long time in my adolescence I wanted to hurt them back.
I lived in painful stories and in visions of what could have been if I hadn’t been wronged. I blamed someone else for the life I didn’t have, and felt vindicated in the soul-sucking resentment I carried around from day to day.
I realize it makes less compelling writing to talk so generally, but these stories aren’t only mine to tell. They involve someone I love and have since forgiven. So perhaps the kindest thing I can do both for them and me is not retell the story, but instead create a new one: a story about letting go.
It’s a hard thing to do—to completely let go of something painful and forgive the person who may or may not have realized what they did. At my angriest point, I was convinced the person who hurt me did it with full intention and cruelty. I felt not a shred of compassion; just unadulterated pain and rage.
Then I realized, unless someone is a sociopath, they are rarely without feeling. And if they’ve hurt another person, even if their ego prevents them from admitting it, odds are they feel remorse on some level.
No one is purely bad, and everyone carries their own pain which influences the decisions they make. This doesn’t condone their thoughtless, insensitive, or selfish decisions, but it makes them easier to understand.
After all, we’ve all been thoughtless, insensitive, and selfish at times. Usually, we have good intentions.
And for the most part, we all do the best we can from day to day—even when we hurt someone; even when we’re too stubborn, ashamed, or in denial to admit the hurt we’ve caused.
So how do you forgive someone when every fiber of your being resists? How do you look at them lovingly when you still have the memory of their unloving action? How do let go of the way you wish things had worked out if only they made a different choice?
I decided to consult the Tiny Buddha Facebook community to learn how they’ve moved on from anger and resentment.
Readers offered nearly 150 ideas to help forgive someone when it’s hard. The ones that resonated with my most strongly were:
1. I remember them as a child and it’s much easier! –Joy Thompson
2. I remind myself that I forgive not for them but for me and that it’s easier to forgive than to hang on to so much anger, hurt and betrayal. –Sarah Clark
3. I just acknowledge that we are humans, so we are allowed to make mistakes. –Haydee Lizbeth Lopez Cruz
4. Remind yourself that they are not separate from you; they only appear that way. Then you will realize you are one, and it is yourself you are forgiving. –Justin Hayden
5. Do not keep thinking of the past or the bad thing that happened; when you let go of it, you get over the anger/bitterness that you felt and it clears the path of forgiveness! The best thing is time! –Ashna Singh
6. Remember that we are all doing the best we can at the time. –Diane Paul
7. Remind yourself of how much forgiveness would mean to you if it was your turn for a mistake! – Carol Mcbride-Safford
8. Wayne Dwyer describes how hate is love which has been turned around. Seeing the expression of what can’t be forgiven as love makes it easier to forgive. We’re also all doing the best we can, according to our own evolutionary state, including those we find hard to forgive. –Lise Heeley
9. Because it takes less energy to love and forgive than it does to stay angry and hold a grudge. It brings peace to your life. –Linda Adams
10. I know that I need to forgive someone, not for their benefit, but for my own peace of mind. Don’t do it for them, do it for you! –Cathryn Kent
11. You remember why you love them. Love is about forgiveness.- Holly Chapman
12. Forgiveness comes easier with the passing of time. I tend to find that, if I am wronged, I forgive the person before they forgive themselves, and when I am in need of forgiveness, it is I who feels the guilt for longer. –Mandy Richardson
13. Stop thinking and just do it. Open your heart and forgive. –Lindsey Windrow
14. Don’t force it. If I don’t feel forgiving, I can at least not act on my anger. Eventually forgiveness will come if you welcome it. –Julie Trottier
15. Just learn to smile and let things go. –Sudharma Lama
16. Give up on all hope of a better past. –Matt Child
17. Every time you think of them send them love. After a while it gets easy. –Crystal Chang
18. Meditate, meditate and meditate some more until it’s gone! –Margot Knight-Guijt
19. The harder it is to forgive someone else, the more I am responsible. When I understand and forgive myself, forgiving others is easy. –Pamela Picard
20. Two different approaches. One involves restoring your boundaries and sense of protection first. The other involves focusing on what your body is feeling and stop dwelling on the offense. Both involve being present. –Chris Campa
21. Forgiveness comes easy when you know that what people say or do is about them, it’s not about you. –Kim Kings
22. Shift the focus, feel the pain and think of the thousands of others in the world who are also feeling the same pain, then send a loving-kindness message to everyone to be relieved of this suffering. -Nick Ong
23. When it happens I often ask myself “What strengths must I develop further from this?” Often the feeling of resentment just goes away, slowly but surely, because I wasn’t focusing on the person that wronged me, but the lesson that the event was trying to tell me. –Natassia Callista Alicia
24. I allow myself to feel again whatever I didn’t express “in the moment” when I was with them. Forgiveness always seem to follow those (usually) difficult emotions. –Cynthia Ruprecht Hunt
25. Write a brutally honest, emotionally raw letter telling them how much they have hurt and angered you, then tear it up and burn it. As you watch the smoke rise, think about the fact that you are not that hurt and that anger. It is fleeting, just like everything else. As the smoke carrying your hurt and disappointment disappears into the air, you can let it go. –Renate Wuersig
26. For some wrongs, I just have to remember that they are responsible for their actions and then it is easier for me to just let it be. –Karen Garland
27. By remembering that it will free me from the burden of the stress I feel, also, if I can’t forgive then how can I expect to ever be forgiven? –Leslie Brown
28. Just look to the future instead of focusing on what’s past…think of creating new good memories to wipe away old bad ones. –Elizabeth Lindsay
29. It becomes easy when you remember a time when you were forgiven, centering on how it made you feel. –Louisya Graves
30. Understand this: Whether you like it or not, over time, you will stop feeling the pain, so why hold onto something that’s going to go away anyway? –Nirav KAKU
How did I forgive when it was hard? I came to this realization: No one ever gets to the end of their life and thinks, “I wish I stayed angry longer.” They generally say one of three things: “I’m sorry,” “I forgive you,” or “I love you.”
After taking space to heal myself, I decided to cut out the middle man of time. I now set boundaries to take better care of me, but I’ll never regret that I’ve forgiven.
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
As many others have said, forgiving others is something we need to do for our own health, not the other person’s. I once heard it said that holding on to anger and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Most people would agree that expectation is sort of silly. At the end of the day, our Anger and hatred is poison to OUR soul, not theirs.
Hi Trystan,
That’s a wonderful analogy. Letting go of anger is one of the most loving things we can do for ourselves. Thank you for commenting!
Lori
That actually makes sense. I am trying to forgive but it is difficult.
Terribly difficult.
I’m struggling…….I have been physically hurt by my X wife…..she shoved my son into garbage cans in back alley ways…..and the system forces him to go to his access…..where she assaults him…..in the face, physically…..calls him names,…..and ridicules me through his self image of me……When he returns….I have to rebuild him, pull out the fear…..and redirect him every time……I have no faith in the church……or man
I’m really sorry for what you are going through, but never give up on God, trust in him, believe in him, have faith and hope for a better tommorow.
Your son is incredibly lucky to have you in his life. It is very hard to forgive someone who is abusive. And it is even harder when the person abuses someone you love. Maybe you can try to help your son to understand that something is broken in her, and that none of the abuse is his fault. Even though it is hard for him now, he can use his experience for good in his life. He can use it to learn compassion and forgiveness. It took me years to forgive abuse in my life, but now I’m grateful for what it has taught me. People usually hurt others, because they are suffering themselves, even if they never talk about it. They are always wrong for it, and it should never be forgotten, but you can learn to have compassion for them and rise above it. Good luck to you
I can relate 2 your type of suffering only mine came from my dad
I to understand how you feel my mother and father have hurt me so badly as did my brother and uncle it has took me a very long time to forgive them for the wrong they have done I still live with the nightmares of my brother touching me my uncle touching me my mother selling me at 8 year’s old and my father beating me but I did learn how to forgive because I know if God can then so can I.
I’m so sorry Diana you had to go through all this. God may be with you always and bring peace and love into your life….god bless
exact thing happened to me…. my daddy had to do the same thing…..i was kicked in the teeth every day of my childhood.. thrown through walls……. lived in manhole sewers.. lived on an old abandoned tugboat…. now my lil bro.s in the same position….we went to christ and were doin.. actually………….. okay…… now.. and okay is the best my fam has ever had…… so i thank jeusus christ and the lord almighty….
My heart breaks for your son and you. But there is hope. Trust me when I say this. Andrew Womack ministries. The Beleivers Authority Series. It saved my life.
I whole heartedly agree with you. My son was assaulted by my brother and his wife. As if that wasn’t damaging enough they called my son’s mother and told her that I was on drugs and dangerous because I threatened them. They assaulted my son. What was I supposed to do say thank you. Next thing I know I’m being served by the sheriff’s department. My son’s Mom had seized custody of him thanks to the actions of a couple of cowards. I went thru a brutal custody battle that drug out for two years and cost me 40000.00 dollars. I finally got my son back and I will be damned if they didn’t start in on me again about threatening them. I told them exactly how I felt about them and warned them to stay away from me and my son. The next day my brother burst into my house and told me he was gonna kick my ass. I never said a word as I swept the floor with him. He left my house bleeding and telling me I had to be reasonable. Then he went and filed a restraining order against me. He busted into my house. He’s lucky he didn’t get killed. Everyone in my family is mad at me because I won’t forgive him. I could care less about forgiving his stupid ass or his wife. I just want them to stay away from me and my son. Is that too much to ask after everything they put my son thru. After all the emotional damage that they caused. I think not. Sometimes forgiveness is just not an option in my opinion.
I think there are situations where forgiveness doesn’t really apply anymore. It went too far. I have one of those situations myself from my past. I think the criteria for me to forgive someone anyway, is that they have to be truely sorry, communicate that to me some how, some way, even if thru a third party, and lastly have some or any redeeming qualities, so that I feel they’re worthy of my forgiveness. I’m actually a very understanding and forgiving person by nature and that’s been taken advantage of. So, I figure if it’s for ourselves anyway, the main goal to me, is that we feel better rather than FORGIVE. So what I do, is practice FORGETING, and making good new memories that have nothing to do with the people you can’t forgive. You move on past the pain to yourself, because they are no longer relevant to your life anymore. Their power grows weaker and weaker as time goes marching on. And if nothing else works, I fall back on karma and figure they’ll get theirs some day, so I dont need to do anything or think about the person anymore at all. They maybe laughing and bragging about what they did to you, but you know that there’s no free lunch.
I relate to this so much. I know it’s been a while since this was written but it surely helps that someone sees the situation in the same light as i do.
Thank you.
i can truly relate. i can’t forgive my bestfriends dad because he was having a relationship with my mother, theyre over but he still talking to other woman, so i dont think hes truly sorry. can someone relate? i just cant forgive and forget, i just cant
Forgiveneß is a prison tailor-made for the gullible; Jesus preached about it as blind submißion. Forgiving is poison to the souls of the practitioners; as the offenders continue to feed them poison potations.
Let it go easier said then done when you experience it over and over…
Why not say good job and as far as remorse
Hmmmm
Hitler certainly must has been devasted with all his remorse, we tend to believe that all have compassion
No really come onwe
I am certain no they Don’t
I would not intentional hurt someone
Yet I respect myself enough to expect the same from others.
To expect less is foolishnesswhy not pat them on the back and say good job, no you don’t pat yourself on the back, ignorance tolerated take a look back in history to see .
Good job Hitler or we learn don’t do that
Don’t torture the ones that won’t by telling the ones who use and trample others for self , I forgive you.
Human condition can change when we step back and say DONT
that is not acceptableyep just like we would a small childid not we are teaching its o.K
See your anger your pain it is telling you that hurts. step back, love yourself respect yourself by stepping back.
Trust your emotions ,fear,hate, pain.
Walk on past, because ignorance accepted and pushed down into heart creates he’ll.
You know what you want to do when you fight your own truth you struggle.
Others who intentionally hurt others do not suffer in no way what so ever.
They have destroyed there own heart and can not hear their very own soul.
Could you do that? if you are struggling with forgiveness you could not, only those who could care less can.
We all have value, this is true
We are to live are value not destroy it do not let anyone diminish this in your heart it creates an emorous fear,
Who deserves fear, who we knowfear belongs to those who carelessly hurt others, so that they too can grow.
Speak up and step back
We do not need to be loved by others we are love
Step back and use the God given gift
Any less is foolishnesskathy
this is the first time I realise this is happening.No wonder one is feeling worse and worse when holding on to the anger. I wish I can learn how to let it go, but I am getting almost anxious to do so- think I choose to hold on to it because I kind of believe it can protect me from further damage from the person who hurt me. But maybe the poisoning effect is much more hurtful than the actions of the person??Interesting.Maybe as a first step I can allow at least the thought of that idea …
Yes, forgiving is a very, very healthy thing to do. We must forgive any and ALL acts. Now, trust…that’s a different story. Not everyone is “sorry” and some would do it again if given the chance. Forgive but take care of yourself
ppl do feel painful when u hate them ….
I loved this post and love Tiny Buddha. Wish you posted more frequently ♥
You have the same name as my beloved nana, who passed away in 2005. You even spell it the same way! It made me smile to see that name here. 🙂
Hi Philippa,
Thank you for reading! I am actually writing my book now, but once I finish, I may start posting more frequently. I’m so glad you enjoy Tiny Buddha!
Lori
Hi, i just came across your blog during a search through google. I’ve read through your post lori and also through everyone elses comments and still havent found an answer to by problem. How do you forgivr someone who is family and has hurt you intentionally,has no remorse what so ever and now ignores ur very existense. Also especially when this person has not only hurt you by saying untrue things about you but also has poisoned the minds of other family memebrs with whom who you live under the same roof and now the relationship has changed from a good one to a bitter one with lots of fake smiles from the front and curses from behind their back? This person was a just not family but our relationship started of as good friendship and suddenly the situtation changed. Its been over 4 years now and I still cant get the person out of my mind. Thrs a lot of bitterness and sadness in me and i wish at times dat i cud erase d past. How do i move one when she is living like nothing ever happened?
Hi there,
I’m so sorry to hear about your experiences with your family member. I’m going to ask you a few questions that you don’t need to answer for me–they’re just for you. Perhaps your answers to these questions will help you discover what to do:
-Have you already discussed with the family members who live with you to clear up any misconceptions?
-This family member who hurt you–is s/he still in your life today? If this person is, is there a way to change that or minimize contact so you don’t keep getting hurt?
-Under what circumstances do you usually think about the pain this person caused you over four years ago? Are there certain triggers? Does identifying those triggers give you any information about what you need to do to move on and heal?
-If you knew you couldn’t do anything to create a sense of understanding or closure with this person, what could you do to change how often (and how) you think about it now?
I hope this helps a little!
Lori
Hi, thank you for replying so fast to my post. Leme explain or rther elaborate a lil more on my situation. The person involved is my sis in law. My husbands brothers wife. We used to live in a large family under one roof. My husband son me n my parents in law still live in d same house while my brother in law and wife have moved out of the country about three years ago. How ever they visit very often which causes a lot of discomfort for me n my husband as there is a lot of cold feelings in the air i guess. Now my mil and i shared a beautiful relationship before my sis in law came along. We were friends before the misunderstandings cropped up n then al of a sudden one day i see her and my mum.in law bitching bout me n.my family. This incident caused a lot of tension in the house and from then on she and i have never spoken. I’ve tried to clear the air with my in laws,however theres still a lot of negativity in the house and although we all live our lives normally theres constant bitchin and cursing from my mum in.laws end about me n my family. I see and talk to her everyday and it hurts all the time dat i trustd an elder woman as my mum and in turn she sat n bitched bout my family to sumone else. Everytime my sis in law n her husband visit my in laws start to behave a lot more stranger than normal,say all sorts of rude things that hurt me and i start to hate them even more. My husbands tried to sort things out but instead it got worse wid my in.laws getin upset over the whole thing. All this has put me in a terrible fix since my husband n i cannot abandone my in laws as they r too old to live on their own. This is why it hurts soo much cause i live this hell everyday. Not a day goes by with my mum in law not reminding me dat theres a lot of anger in her against me. However i have been thinking about this for a while now and when i saw ur blog yday i almost have made up my mind. I shall speak to my sis in law when she visits next time. Mayb jus say a hello,how r u sorta thing to break the ice even though i know she wronged me. And i’ll do this infront of my family so that they are also witness to the fact that i am trying to forgive or atleast change the unpleasent situation. The rest depends a lot on how she reacts. I am really looking forward to an end to this since it causes soo much unhappiness to everyone around us when there are family gatherings etc. Please do tell me if wat i plan to do makes sense at all. I may not be over the bitterness and anger yet but atleast i cud try and make a fresh start. We maynot be best friwnds but atleast we wont be spitting venom either esp in front of our cildren who are too young to understand any of this.
I think that sounds like a great plan. The best way to make a fresh start is to first try and clear the air. I hope it goes well for you. You are in my thoughts!
I fully agree that in fact i am really releasing the prisoner that is me, but how do I get over the fear that it may happen again??
Hi Ajay,
I wish I had a good answer for you. The truth is we can never be sure. We can just follow our instincts, set boundaries, and then do our to best to enforce them. Some of my fears have been confirmed, but it’s been worth letting them go, when I’ve been able, to live without the burden of fears.
I hope this helps.
Lori
Ajay – I deal with that very issue. Read #20 “One involves restoring your boundaries and sense of protection first. The other involves focusing on what your body is feeling and stop dwelling on the offense. Both involve being present.” Let your self esteem and love for yourself help you to restore your boundaries-people can’t hurt you if you don’t let them – and surround yourself with the ones that love you and the love you have for yourself – that’s your protective barrier. “What people say or do is about them, it’s not about you.”
As soon as I read this, I immediately thought of the following letter, as found on http://viewonbuddhism.org/anger.html
What forgiveness is
“Forgiveness is a form of realism. It doesn’t deny, minimize, or justify what others have done to us or the pain that we have suffered. It encourages us to look squarely at those old wounds and see them for what they are. And it allows us to see how much energy we have wasted and how much we have damaged ourselves by not forgiving.
Forgiveness is an internal process. It can’t be forced, and it doesn’t come easy. It brings with it great feelings of wellness and freedom. But we experience this only when we want to heal and when we are willing to work for it.
Forgiveness is a sign of positive self-esteem. We no longer identify ourselves by our past injuries and injustices. We are no longer victims. We claim the right to stop hurting when we say, “I’m tired of the pain, and I want to be healed.” At that moment, forgiveness becomes a possibility-although it may take time and much hard work before we finally achieve it.
Forgiveness is letting go of the past. It doesn’t erase what happened, but it does allow us to lessen and perhaps even eliminate the pain of the past. The pain from our past no longer dictates how we live in the present, and it no longer determines our future.
It also means that we no longer need resentment and anger as an excuse for our shortcomings. We don’t need them as a weapon to punish others nor as a shield to protect ourselves by keeping others away. And most importantly, we don’t need these feelings to identify who we are. We become more than merely victims of our past.
Forgiveness is no longer wanting to punish those who hurt us. It is understanding that the anger and hatred that we feel toward them hurts us far more than it hurts them. It is seeing how we hide ourselves in our anger and how those feelings prevent us from healing. It is discovering the inner peace that becomes ours when we let go of the past and forget vengeance.
Forgiveness is moving on. It is recognizing all that we have lost because of our refusal to forgive. It is realizing that the energy that we spend hanging on to the past is better spent on improving our present and our future. It is letting go of the past so that we can move on.
We all have been hurt. And at one time or another most of us have made the mistake of trying to run away from the past. The problem is that no matter how fast or how far we run, the past always catches up to us-and usually at the most inopportune time. When we forgive, we are dealing with the past in such a way that we no longer have to run.
For me, learning how to forgive wasn’t easy. But I did learn, and my life is better for it – even here on death row.”
Michael B. Ross
Death Row
Somers, Connecticut
Hi Josh,
Thanks for posting this. So many wonderful insights in there. This part really resonated with me: “Forgiveness is a sign of positive self-esteem. We no longer identify ourselves by our past injuries and injustices. We are no longer victims.” So true!
Lori
I have a really hard time letting go the fact that my gf cheated on me with her ex boyfriend. I want to move on but i cant seem to be able to forget. I love her but i cant tell her that because it is too soon. I asked to break up the title and start afresh. I want to build it stronger and better and I know that we are capable of it. Please can someone show me the way to forgiveness.
I can understand why it would be difficult to let this go. Sometimes relationships survive this kind of betrayal, and sometimes they just can’t. Let me ask you this: What do you think is holding you back from forgiving her?
I am somewhat in the same situation as Tobolskii. My husband of 9+ years had an affair. We have a 4 year old and one due in a couple weeks. I still love him and I want more than anything to get past this, but I, too, am having a very hard time forgetting and forgiving at this point. I am hurting so much!!! You asked ‘What do you think is holding you back from forgiving?’. My answer would be that I feel it is inviting him to hurt me again and I am saying what he did was ok. I want to be able to forgive and move on! Please help!!
I’m so sorry to learn about your husband’s affair. I can understand your fear that this might happen again. Have you considered doing couple’s therapy? Perhaps this would help you work through your feelings and help him identify why he did this, and how he can ensure it won’t happen again.
we have the same situation..i dont understand why married men always cheat their wife..if they love there family they can nver hurt them..right? prayer is the most important weapon..
@@ cecille….well married women cheat too. i was married for 9years with 3 adorable kids. over the course of our marriage she cheated 3 times, twice with exes and then with a married man. i still feel the anger to this day when she comes around to pick the kids out. i know i will be able to forgive her someday.
That is something I also fear- you forgive and try to move on with a smiling face, so the other person kind of “got away with it” and feels it is ok to do it again. Think this is why I fail to let go .BUT, what I learn here is that the process of forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person but with yourself, since this anger is attacking YOU more than anyone else involved. The damage of this is at times bigger than the damage that the other person did to you.So, he might be an arsehole to cheat on you and by no means I think you should be blind and naive towards what he has done just because you choose to forgive him.I don’t think forgiving even means to give him another chance. I am not good with it either.But I suspect it can mean to develop some kind of higher perspective and to look from the outside rather than being stuck in anger and pain….maybe feeling kind of sorry for him or accepting he is wrong guided ? I dunno, it is difficult, but think about YOU mainly and YOUR benefits when trying to forgive
, not the other person.
IM trying too forgive, a person I thought was my soul mate! lied about money addicted to porn,spending money we dint have! Cheating…. and why I kept taking him back, I don’t know ;im still angry call him and abuse him verbally every chance I get! Talked me in to retiring and was on date sites! AND now I took my pension and cant go back to a good paying job, now cleaning houses to make end meet! well I did throw him out, but fifteen years of lies… But today I want to forgive and move on! not for him, I don’t want to go to prison..For punching him and the bitch he is with!
It is doormat mentality. It is an obligatory path of the feeble. When someone does you wrong, be prepared to retaliate a thousandfold. Some people are incorrigible save by that method. Trey Parker knew this.
I have been struggling with forgiveness for many years and I am finally at a point where the anger from it is destroying my being. It was so nice to read what you posted and I will print this and read it when I am feeling lost. You are right when you say forgiveness is not easy but it’s wonderful you have found it. Take Care
I feel the same way. I’ve worked hard and given my all only to be a victim of unreciprocated loyalty. People are out for themselves and don’t care who gets hurt. How do I let anger towards these people go. I don’t wanna throw my life away by shooting them all then myself . someone help me let this go
That was beautiful and very intuitive, i dont know if your on death row and are innocent or not but it is not my place to judge and one thing i do know is trying to forgive ourselves is a very trying thing as much as trying to forgive others! Well hopefully you have found god if you believe and have found forgiveness and have been forgiven!!!!!!!
Executed May, 2005~ Serial Killer~ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Bruce_Ross
Forgiving is accepting that you are weak and especially powerleß to recover your loß AND to punish she whose hands brought it about, even if you may not really be.
– Don’t drink the Kool Aid.
Michael B. Ross,
Call me stupid, call me whatever, but I just don’t know how to forgive certain things/ people in my life. I have a deep anger inside of meand i really do want it to go away. Maybe I’m not fully understanding this “forgiveness” thing. How can I be nice to a person that is so cruel in her everyday?? My husbands only brother killed himself and his ex wife buried him without our knowledge! How in Gods name do I forgive her?? It’s not just that either. She now uses our nephew as leverage, as a pon! You haveno idea how angry I am, but want so much to be at peace.
It does affect my everyday, my everything. After my brother in-law committed suicide, my husbands entire family “changed”. We don’t see them like we use to and can’t do anything about it.
I would love to know and understand more clearly how to forgive? How can I say hi to this girl without feeling like I want to get back at her?? How??
Marissa Brown
Canada
Your post helped me. While I was reading it, I was thinking of two people who have really hurt me to where I don’t know what to do with the anger or hurt other than try to numb it, act out on it, or run from it.
Then I imagined that they might be making posts just like yours.
Remind yourself that they are not separate from you; they only appear
that way. Then you will realize you are one, and it is yourself you are
forgiving. -Justin Hayden
Marissa
I am so sorry to hear of the tragic experience you and your family are going through. Try to understand that others actions are a reflection of what they are going through.
It will be easier to forgive your brother-in-laws ex wife if you pray for her. Pray that she finds happiness and wish her well. Stop dwelling about what she did and concentrate on loving thoughts especially when you are with your husband and his family. Your loving vibes will spread to the rest of your family.
You are in my prayers
Julie
I cried after reading your msgs. I don’t why I cried but it just so emotional and touching. It is very true when you said that all of us have been hurt, especially by someone you loved most. Time do heals and I’m living one day at a time.
I like your thoughts…
What kind of Kool Aid are you guys drinking?
This post is so powerful, especially knowing that both parties have paid the ultimate price. If this person can forgive so can I. Thank you.
…Very, very cool stuff…..
I have a very complicated story involving a person I can’t forgive. I don’t actively think of her but it’s there in the very back of my mind and pops up every once in a while. I tell myself all the usual things… life’s too short, it’s only hurting me not to forgive etc. etc. But she is mentally ill (and that part is complicated too… she’s well enough to be manipulative enough to use that to her advantage and prey on people) and honestly, she’s not remorseful at all about what she’s done. In fact, she’s nearly oblivious. That’s the sticking point for me. I know that forgiveness shouldn’t be conditional, but I am just not to the point where I can find it in my heart to feel love for her. I am able to feel some compassion but I can’t get past the hump to turn that into forgiveness. I hope someday that will come, but it’s been a long road even to this point! At least I no longer feel anger, bitterness or wish she’d “get hers” as I once did… I know I have made progress there.
Hi Alannah,
I can relate to your story in a big way, and it definitely sounds like you’re making good progress! If you feel compassion, you’ll get there when you’re ready. It sounds like you want to, and that’s a great start.
Lori
Hi ….your response hit a cord with me. The person I cannot forgive was described by you. The woman has been married 5 times (twice to one man),, has one illegitimate gay daughter, and is on anti depressants. She has red hair, a chin lift, a huge boob job, eye lift, fake eye lashes and red hair. The part where she is not remorseful (oh she says she is to others but not to me). the part where you said she is “well enough to be manipulative ” struck a cord. she has so many people fooled because she is beautiful. She fooled me once but not any more. I almost feel like I am the crazy one by things she has said to me….and to no one else. I look like the bad guy if I say anything.
Alannah,
I was once in a bad relationship with a girl who was exactly like that. It has been a long hard road but I have learned that I can chose to forgive her and still never have anything to do with her again. She has malipulated everyone who has ever got close to her and hurt them in a bad way. I have never been hurt so bad by someone. But I learned that the bitterness and anger that I chose to hang on to only hurt me worse! (not her)
Its like I heard in a church sermon today……if a girl is in a bad relationship with a guy who phyisacally harms or hits her….she can chose to forgive him…..(but do it from a safe distance!) the same with someone who is mentaly ill. The words people can say hurt worse than being hurt or having physical harm done to ones body…!!!
It’s OK to forgive from a safe distance and not have anything to do with that person in some situations.
for what it’s worth I hope that may be of some help to you.
I liked your post because it hit home for me. I’m obviously here reading all of these posts because I’m having an issue with forgiveness. I’ve been the woman in an abusive relationship, I’ve had the courage and strength to leave and get away. I’ve had the power to forgive and forget “from a distance” but now almost 10 years later…. I’ve never in my life struggled with forgiveness the way I am right now. I’ve said it a million times…”It takes twice as much energy to hold onto hate then it does to simply forgive someone who hurts us.” But to forgive someone from a safe distance is so hard when you have to face that person on a daily basis. It’s like I have no room to heal. No room to forgive and forget when it’s pushed in my face. This is a tough one for me. LOL the queen of forgive and forget. I guess it’s not as easy as I thought. The truth of the matter is there are sociopaths out there. There are people who don’t care who they hurt as long as they get what they want. It is beyond my comprehension that there are people out there without a conscience. All we can do is accept the fact that we can’t heal those who are mentally ill. But we can do our best to move on in a positive light, not letting who they are on the inside reflect onto who we are as individuals. We have to continue to forgive for our own wellbeing and pray they will someday acquire peace within themselves. The peace they are so desperately lacking. I guess what I’m trying to say is they really can’t help how damaged they are. We have to continue to be true to ourselves and to others. We are a dying breed.
I liked your post because it hit home for me. I’m obviously here reading all of these posts because I’m having an issue with forgiveness. I’ve been the woman in an abusive relationship, I’ve had the courage and strength to leave and get away. I’ve had the power to forgive and forget “from a distance” but now almost 10 years later…. I’ve never in my life struggled with forgiveness the way I am right now. I’ve said it a million times…”It takes twice as much energy to hold onto hate then it does to simply forgive someone who hurts us.” But to forgive someone from a safe distance is so hard when you have to face that person on a daily basis. It’s like I have no room to heal. No room to forgive and forget when it’s pushed in my face. This is a tough one for me. LOL the queen of forgive and forget. I guess it’s not as easy as I thought. The truth of the matter is there are sociopaths out there. There are people who don’t care who they hurt as long as they get what they want. It is beyond my comprehension that there are people out there without a conscience. All we can do is accept the fact that we can’t heal those who are mentally ill. But we can do our best to move on in a positive light, not letting who they are on the inside reflect onto who we are as individuals. We have to continue to forgive for our own wellbeing and pray they will someday acquire peace within themselves. The peace they are so desperately lacking. I guess what I’m trying to say is they really can’t help how damaged they are. We have to continue to be true to ourselves and to others. We are a dying breed. If Jesus were alive today on the earth he would urge us to feel bad for them, to be moved with pity.
you could have been writing about the same person in my life during my 20 year marriage. as i said in my posting i have forgiven her but at this point i don’t wish her bad, i don’t wish her well, i just don’t with anything for her. that’s where i am, i don’t have to love her, she’s not in my life any more, it was one big sigh of relief to be rid of the anger that surrounds her. that’s where it has to stay for right now.
its better to forgive than to stay anger cause the blessing will come with after
Lots of beautiful, helpful, thoughtful stuff above, thank you everyone. May I add another perspective, that came to me as a sort of mini-realization just now? I saw/felt how indulging in thought/worry about “how do I forgive this person” is energy equivalent to “I blame this person.” It’s just dressed in nicer clothes. Letting THAT obsession go as well as the socially unacceptable one of anger, maybe that’s a way of remembering the fact of impermanence (in THIS second, every second), which automatically provides lightness, presence, and inherent rather than manufactured forgiveness.
What a fabulous insight! Thank you for sharing, Ann.
Lots of beautiful, helpful, thoughtful stuff above, thank you everyone. May I add another perspective, that came to me as a sort of mini-realization just now? I saw/felt how indulging in thought/worry about “how do I forgive this person” is energy equivalent to “I blame this person.” It’s just dressed in nicer clothes. Letting THAT obsession go as well as the socially unacceptable one of anger, maybe that’s a way of remembering the fact of impermanence (in THIS second, every second), which automatically provides lightness, presence, and inherent rather than manufactured forgiveness.
Holding onto anger is like grasping onto a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else. You are the one who gets burned. – Buddha
My resentment for my ex has lasted me a whole year. I’ve been burning myself because I still love him. I can’t seem to forgive him and at this point, I’m starting to believe I never knew what love was since I can’t get past this. I feel such dissapointment when I begin to think I’ve wasted 6 years of my life.
As I think back 2 years ago I though everything was going ok with my self but still the hatred is there. .As life goes on whether you like it or not to remember her/him, she/he come your mind even in your dreams without thinking that person. I do know if I love that person still but I don’t want to cross our path again. I don’t know where my hatred last. Its really not easy to feel like this but still I am trying my best to make thing ok even for my self.
[…] Choose to open your heart and forgive […]
[…] forgive people when they make mistakes, even if sometimes it’s […]
I have experienced that until it hurts, it is hard to forgive….but as the pain subsides with time, forgiving becomes natural and easy! (Hopefully).
I know what you mean. It’s such a cliche but true; time really does heal all wounds. Everything gets easier as days and months pass by!
Hi lori, my ex boyfriend and I were together for almost 2 years we broke up but he came back to me after 4 months, he hadnt even kissed anyone until 4 weeks before he came back to me. I was so happy when he came back because I still loved him so much, I had been with other people while we were apart but only kissed them. When I found out he had had sex with two random girls just for the sake for it I hated him. I don’t understand how he could do this when he still loved me? I thought I could forgive him but it was eating me up inside, I found out that he had sex with one on my birthday and this really hurt and I recently left him. But I still love him so much and just want to be able to get past this so I can be with him. I just don’t know how 🙁
I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through Claire. I can understand why this would be hard to get past.
You know what Lori I come from a broken heart also. We been for about 10 years and in one click he leaves me and go to other girl…I am always asking for a heal of the wound brought it into my life but still I hurting.
Oh man, that’s tough. I hope you’re doing okay!
I have just discovered tiny buddha…its wonderful. After reading those inspiring words my hurt, lonely and broken heart feels better.
Thank you Tiny buddha
Welcome to Tiny Buddha. =) I’m so glad to know this post resonated with you. I can relate to that hurt, lonely, broken heart feeling. What’s helped me is to remember that while it might not always seem like it in the moment, things always get better and easier with time.
Wishing you a healthy, happy New Year!
Lori
time heals but it has been over 10 years-where do I begin- i feel paralyzed with bitterness and anger…
I held onto anger out of fear, afraid that if I didn’t I’d get sucked into old hurtful patterns by love blinding me to the self harm those caused. I couldn’t let go of the anger until I trusted myself – to be mindful, to not give in to fear, to not let love blind me, to act with a whole heart. When I trusted myself, the anger was gone, and I could trust myself to interact with them without collapsing or lashing out.
Thank you for sharing this in a comment. It sounds like you took your power back, and that’s awesome. What a wonderful lesson!
the post is great. it helps a lot.. really useful. thanks carol
You’re most welcome–I’m glad this helped!
[…] forgive people when they make mistakes, even if sometimes it’s […]
For me forgiveness is relatively easy when you love yourself; flaws and all. It’s just that the actions of others or circumstances strike a nerve that is connected to a deeply rooted hurt. This hurt usually can be described as “Not worthy/worthless”, “Not good enough” or some other illusion of “Not right” we mistake for reality about ourselves. Confronting this hurt, immersing myself in it, processing it, then eventually accepting it as something that is not really “me” makes it easier for me to let go and subsequently let love in (this take time, effort, and strength). This love is primarily a love of self that is shared, by its own necessity, with sincere compassion for others. When you no longer have the pain associated with the infraction(s) or seemingly damaging circumstance(s) incurred by some “other” and instead are filled with love, forgiveness (as a form of letting go) is as easly as blowing daffodil seeds off the stem.
Beautiful, just beautiful. This is exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you.
Thats great to hear all of you have found it in your heart to forgive, but honestly i havent and i dont want to. I know that goes against everything all of you have said, but i knida fell like my unwillingness to forgive is the only thing thats gonna keep my from getting hurt again. I guess it started 4 months ago when i was haivng a converstation with one of my closest friends at that time about my depression(clinical). Then before i know it i was being told by her in an angry voice I should stop complaining and just kill myself, which she was aware that i had already tried twice when i was younger.
After about a month of not really speaking to her even if we were in the same room I just keep my mouth shut and focused my attention on anything but her, we finally discussed what happened. She said she was sorry, and that it wouldnt happen again. Sorry to say but her apology did nothing to ease my pain. Ive had people in the past screw me then apologize then do all over again, like some kinda sick game.
Im to old for games so when she said sorry i didnt want to accept it. It felt like she ment what she said and that she had felt that way for some time. The apology seemed redundant, why apologize for your true feelings. We’ve started hanging out again since that incident, and she thought everything was fine and all is forgiven but Ive noticed when im around her now my guard is almost always up and i still refuse to open up to her emotionally like i used to at all. She’s noticed this some and feels like im holding this over her head. But thats not the case i just dont want to get hurt again. I know you all say forgiveness is better than not, but what if i forgive her and it happens all over again. She’s a sweet girl but has plenty of friends, and a husband who loves her unconditonally. You ask me, my existence in her life is completely irrelevant, even though she says thats not true. All this drama aside I just want an opinion from someone who has an idea of what im going through. I do still care for this person, but Im afraid to put my trust in her again. To make it more odd, i dont think she ever stop trusting me though. Im so confused guys, what do i do?
I will do my best to help. I have found that sometimes the easiest way to forgive someone is to create situation where they can no longer hurt you. Forgiving her does not have to mean letting her back into your life–it just means you release your resentment and then take better care of yourself going forward. It’s a lot easier to let go of hurt from yesterday when you know it most likely won’t lead to hurt tomorrow.
It sounds to me that you’d prefer not to have her in your life anymore but you think you need to stay angry and hurt to create that protection for yourself. You don’t. You can just as easily make a choice and set a boundary from a place of strength and peace. Of course this is just what I’ve learned from my experiences. It was a lot easier for me to forgive people who hurt my terribly after I made the conscious choice to change those relationships.
I hope this helps. You are in my thoughts!
Lori
I agree….even though forgiving sometimes connotes reconciliation, it doesn’t have to. I liked the analogy of we are the ones to get hurt (burned( if we pick up a hot coal to throw at the one who angers us.
Thank you very much for responding so fast, didnt think anyone would read this anytime soon. I understand about not letting her back into my life, but still forgiving and making the conscious choice to change relationships. I didnt think about it in the last post, but her husband is also my other best friend and weve never had any problems as long as Ive known him. Which is about as long as Ive known her. So to end my faulty friendship with her is to end my perfectly balanced friendship with him right?
How do i alter relationships and set bounderies without hurting someone who had nothing to do with any of this, Im not big on hurting the innocent. Its not really about not wanting her in my life either, but more about just not wanting to open up to her emotionally again which was a big factor in our friendship. I dont mind being around her anymore, but its more like Im in her life rather than shes in mine or were in each others, cause I dont let her close enough to really consider her in my life at this point.
Theres so many variables in the equation of life, it makes everything seem so complicated. By the way this all has been very helpful and informative. Before I found this blog I had been holding all of this in for months with no one to talk to. Since she was the one I really talked to about everything I mean. But its felt good just getting this off my chest you know.
Thanx 4 ur help and ur thoughts
OldBoy
I’m glad to have helped somewhat. I don’t really have an answer for your question about setting boundaries, though I can say this: I have learned that we are not responsible for other people’s feelings. If taking care of you means you need to see him less, then in the end, that’s probably the best thing to do. If it ends up being a good thing for his wife, as well, I’m sure he would understand.
Wishing you well,
Lori
What a great blog entry. We can choose bitterness or forgiveness. The decision we make affects us more than anyone else.
I understand how all of these suggestions can help, however it doesn’t make me resent the person who wronged me any less. It is hard for me to give the gift of forgiveness to someone who stole my trust. What happens when you still feel like justice is nowhere in sight and sorry is not good enough? a slave to anger if you will…
Hi Kate,
It’s a little tough to respond because I don’t know your situation. But I know firsthand how difficult it can be to let go of bitterness. One thing that helped me was to create space between myself and the person who hurt me. It took me a long time to fully forgive, and I couldn’t do it without time and space.
Now that we aren’t in the same situation, and I feel proud of how I’ve fully taken care of my needs–and as a result of me taking care of myself, this person responds to me much more respectfully–it feels much easier. It’s been so long since it happened, and things have improved so much since then, that forgiveness feels easy.
I don’t know if this is helpful, but I hope it is somewhat!
Much love,
Lori
[…] lastly, forgive. As I wrote in my post about forgiveness, very few of us get to the ends of our lives and say, “I wish I stayed angry longer.” We […]
I grew up with an extremely negative, critical, temperamental and quick-tempered father, who only showed his true colours to his immediate family. I wasn’t close to him and there were times I hated him and just wished he would leave the family, rather than cause us so much misery.
For years, I never spoke of my bitterness to anyone, letting it fester inside me. When I was old enough to realize that his behavior had had an impact on my self-esteem and self-image, I blamed him for it. I tried many times to forgive him, and I thought I had, but I could feel my anger and resentment surging whenever another of his outbursts or tantrums occurred, of which, by then, it was my mother usually bearing the brunt.
There came a point when I realized (a) how miserable I was going home to such a toxic and negative environment, and (b) that I was slowly but gradually turning to be like him.
I had to change.
I decided to move overseas for a while to get away from all the negativity. Rather than pretend this area of my life never existed, I tried to be honest with myself and to acknowledge it, even sharing with a few friends and anonymously online. I tried to see my father’s positive aspects and rationalize his behavior: perhaps he himself was an unknowing victim of his parents’ negativity? Perhaps he had a mild form of Asperger’s?
I thought I had gotten better over time and had finally let go. But when I met him recently, again the anger resurfaced. He kept on asking why I was running away from reality and when I would go home. I tried to be honest with him and told him that my reality had been miserable (I think I was hoping to issue the ultimatum – “I’ll come back when the environment’s not so negative”), after which he refused to listen, swerving away into a monologue. And then of course, there were his outbursts and lashes towards my mother, which just got me indignant and upset.
I ended up physically distancing myself from him for most of that period, while feeling guilty about it, and hating myself for being so harsh and unforgiving. I really want to be free from this emotional baggage, but it seems there’s just such a long way to go.
There also has to come a time when I go back home. Apart from the drastic move of getting my own place, how can I respond – with respect and kindness, while protecting my own need for positivity – when he’s in one of his frequent negative outbursts?
Hi there,
I’m so sorry to hear about your experiences with your father. It sounds like you made a smart, brave decision in distancing yourself from him. It’s such a tough choice to make, but sometimes it’s the best thing we can do when someone is negative and volatile like that. I have a post that may help you when he’s having a negative outburst:
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-negative-people-or-difficult-people/
I hope this helps a little!
Lori
In business when you try to promote something sometimes you have to to deal with a total negative costumer .. So the management has developed some techniques to help thier own dealers work on how to reply in such denials and convert their way of thinking…truth is sometimes they do it for a bad produc or some bad service but thats not the point…
This is probably one of the most advanced way to deal with the toughest richest businessmem.
Im gonna have to put one whole technique down.
Call him ask him for a meetting – ask which day (today / tomorrow) he wants if he sais tomorrow give him to chose between morning / afternoon –thank him …good day
Meeting
Smile act nice / Keep your voice cotrol nice and smouth so you sound pleasant
0 Relax ( talk things he like his hobbies anything 5-10 min) let him to 2/3 of talking!!
Intentions statment
Ty for being here ,im glad to c u …i want you to know that / the truth is that i want you to be my “client” and finally get things sorted…would you have a problem with that ?…(always ask him)
Im here so we can discuss together ways and see if thats possible.
Research of needs
Put your main offers down i got 1,2,3,4
Ask him which one he wants to buy from you …your gonna have to compromise you cant sell everything at list now all at ones.
And he chose x
So from what we talk about you think that x is the most important…
-why
-so is it important for you
-what would happent if u dont have it
-what do u mean bad
-and what would happent
((c this way he is telling you and giving u reasons for things u want that he wouldnt be able to take back… its in human nature))
Close up the deal
–So if we work like this at this situation …you would be interesting right?
–And if i do this …..and guarantee you that this problem will be solved and u wont have to worry about it ever again would you have a problem to start asap?
(You just taking commitment)
Thank him be nice arange for another meeting next 1,2 days shake go home….
At any point you might have to deal with denials …usually when they chanche completely their mind or they want to avoid things ..
.& So at any Denial
1 : Agree with him no matter what..
2. show understanding on his beliefs and ideas
3.Keep your voice cotrol nice and smouth so you sound pleasant
4.remind him the benefits and all the thinks he find interesting
Close up the deal again!
next one two days you call for 2nd meeting to collect the “cash”his word..and you will remind the closing steps.
if again denial again .&
C if there s no $1,000,000 involved this technique will work 100%
ok ?
we talk later keep it up..
Im sorry but they are all wrong …There is a reason why in our nature “out chemistry” * * we are self centered , atomic , and ego pathic…thats why theres so much pain the world.
You cant really forgive someone …the irony is that you should forget about bullshit and focus in all thouse things you care because “bullshit” are not productive and when someones treating us bad we want to prove our self – and thats how ppl usually make it to the top..The only good think is that the one who did you bad will have to carry the gilt and the pain in his unconscious and that wil cost him a lot ..Im sorry about the evil in this world i have been a part of it but i was only a child …now to c a grown man working deliberatly on someone can torn me apart..
“Im not better than you and you r not better than me lets stop this silly charade ,you are what you always gonna be… your not better than me”…
Rise up that idiot
If you can stay possitive ,well done
The idea is to be productive ..i pitty the one who will try to take that away from you.
Theres a game between conscious and unconscious and if you heart someone bad you will get about the same damage back…it works like an energy ..you know the rest…
**The scientific explanation for the human behavior is our nature…it has to do with the Chrommosome composition we possess 44+2… that is what makes us so atomic disharmonic and ego centered …Long story short there are 3 different types of human being and the 99,999 999% of ppl in earth belong to the same level .An earlier level of 42+2 belongs to natives in Australia and probably some African tribes left and they work about the opposite way we do …trust me your not one of them.
I hope iv been some help cause i write this mesage for about an hour now
**The scientifical explanation about our nature has to do Cromosome composition
I have never heard of this scientific explanation. Your reply is different than most. Please tell us more of your ideas. I find it interesting.
Hi Christy its a little hard to explain my perspective on this matter to a woman cause females are rather 2 much emotional and use their feeling like a 6th sence -i believe that you rather try to study me …but nontheless The Chrommosome composition simply is the DNA that scientists resolved not that long ago…but the dna synthesis changes every now and then thats how animals change sapes and ppl develope – live longer etc.Drunvalo Melchizadek who studies the phychological impact of these changes sais …”We are a disarmonic level of conciousness that is used as a steppingstone from the 42+ 2 lvl to the next lvl ,46+2 “theses two additional chromosomes change everything “…remarkable here is that he finds a great deal of behaivoral defferences between the 42+2 lvl and our lvl 44+2.” he sais ..”to them (the 42+2 lvl) there is only one energy ,one life,one beingness that moves everywhere.- they dont see anything outsidethemselves as being separate from themselves”.
Thats the main idea
Now by calling your ex friend sociopath phyco and praying that he will find peace it simply reflects your personal state of mind which is pretty much alike and not that different …
I mean if that troubles you so much why dont u just ask him unless you are that much better…c
Hello from Greece and pardon my english if it doesnt make sence …
[…] on Forgiveness: Forgive So You Can Let Go by Jamie Hoang via @tinybuddha How To Forgive Someone When It’s Hard: 30 Tips To Let Go of Anger By Lori Deschene, Founder of @tinybuddha How To Forgive A Cheating Spouse by Maria C Collins […]
I am trying to let go of anger and forgive my ex boss. She was horribly abusive-bipolar-narcissistic. I really opened up to E and she treated me like trash. I am unemployed now- after she fired me. It was ugly. Some days I feel better than others. People say that what goes around comes around, you reap what you sow but I don’t know. To make matters worse I live in a small city and I was walking to my car after doing some shopping at a thrift store and there E was driving down the parking lane in her Jag. I don’t know if she saw me but I saw her. I have good people in my life and try to focus on that but sometimes I feel like I am struggling so much and she is going on about her life happy as could be after doing so much damage to me.
Hi Susan,
I’m so sorry to hear you lost your job, especially after dealing with such a difficult work situation. One thing that has helped me to forgive in the past is to realize that things aren’t always what they seem.
So this may seem like a horrible person victimizing a good person, and being rewarded by life regardless. But if your boss is a bipolar narcissist, it’s likely she is actually in a lot of pain mentally. Healthy-minded people don’t treat people as poorly as she treated you. There’s probably a lot under the surface that you would never imagine is there. In fact, she probably deals with a lot more pain than this difficult situation is causing you, because it’s not circumstantial–it’s deep-rooted. Jaguar or not, she’s struggling. You just can’t see it.
Now I’m not saying this to suggest that you should feel good about the fact that she’s hurting. I’m saying this because it may help you to forgive her. It’s highly likely that she lacks some very important coping skills that you possess. You will get through this difficult time. Everything is cyclical. Hopefully she will get some help for her bipolar disorder (or if it’s not an actual mental illness, whatever issues cause her to be like she is). Until she does, she will not only treat poorly, she will suffer inside. Happy people aren’t abusive. The two just don’t go hand in hand.
I hope this helps a little.
Lori
Hi Lori,
There is a lot of wisdom in what you said. I do find moments where I do feel forgiveness toward E but also moments were I do feel a lot of anger and hurt and also grief. I think how can she forget about me like I was nothing?
Last night, I left a voice mail message on her office phone. I expressed myself in an honest respectful way about how she treated me, addressed some other things, but I also said some good things too about how much I cared for her. It felt like a relief to get that off my chest. I am not expecting that E will reply back to me in any way. I imagine as soon as she hears my voice E will delete the message or listen to it but not respond. I know that we cannot control other people but I do feel better that I did this.
I live in the state with the highest unemployment in the country. I am applying for jobs and it is not easy right now. It is a shame that someone who could have been so good for me turned out to be like this.
Susie
Hi Susan, there is a teaching in Christianity (hope its okay to post on that in this forum but I think it’s important you find out about it) on “soul ties” – there can be good soul ties and bad soul ties – you should google this topic find out more about it and then break any soul ties that have been formed with this woman – you might not even be aware of them but I can guarantee you will find a huge amount of release if you break them. hope this helps.
Hi Anne, Thank you for that suggestion. I looked up “soul ties” and its an interesting concept. Soul ties remind me of “psychic cords”. I will think more about what you said. Some kind of ties were formed and that is why I have been having a tough time. What you said makes a lot of sense.
One way to forgive someone is by telling yourself that one year from now you would have moved on to a much happier place and WILL NOT be bothered by these thoughts of anger and vengeance anymore, so no point to wasting time and energy thinking about it now. It would be good if you have a hobby or something you can turn to for instant distraction (like music). Hey, don’t take life too seriously. Besides, fifty years from now everyone you have a grudge on would be six feet under the ground anyway, so who cares.
Hi Susan,
Take in comfort that you are not the only person who had work with a sadistic boss. I have working with one for almost ten years. All these years, not only she didn’t treat me with due respect but almost everyday used sarcasm and abusive words. No appreciation from her and a word of “thank you” didn’t exist in her dictionary. All the cruel bosses out there, pls remember that sometimes we have to endure all these negative things is because we have to make livings and feed our family; and not because we enjoy your bullies. And we have to forgive you and ourselves everyday to stay sane and keep on with our life.
But, Susan, the Higher Power is there to blessed us. I’ve already left the evil environment and now I am working with a very kind and good boss. Like you write in your post, focus on the good people and more good things will come to you.
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FORGIVENESS
By Shelley Stockwell-Nicholas, PhD
An attitude… an attribute… a
positive/neutral clearing…
that
says, “good-bye regret and never-ending swearing.”
For
some it ends self-punishment…
for
others it’s hopeless crap
allowing
the unforgivable to keep you in a trap.
The
best one to forgive is YOU
then
keep your boundaries straight
Add
loving feeling towards yourself
As
the person you celebrate.
Then
own YOU as the one YOU treasure
And your heart will fill with love and pleasure.
My husband died in an auto accident after going out with his friends. Three to be exact. Two were asleep in the back and one was supposedly in the passenger seat. I do know the friend up front was to have been seen fighting mad my husband was going to drive the friends truck. No way could my husbands friend drive. We don’t know if my husband pulled over and let him drive being he was fighting my husband or he caused my husband to wreck in the curb. Although the friend had what would be considered steering wheel injuries. This friend has never been here for me and my daughter and son. We knew something wasn’t right, right away. You know guilty people act different then normal grieving people. He has recently cried to my daughter and told her he had something he wanted to tell her. Something he has regretted. He asked her to come by and he would talk to her. I don’t think she is quite ready to hear the truth and is afraid of her reaction. I mean what do you say to this? It has been three years and we have let it known what we suspected and this is the first time we know he caused it for sure. Just don’t know how. He let everyone that doesn’t know what we thought believe my husband caused his own death. Sometimes I think he should be legally punished and other times I know he didn’t want this to happen but his actions caused it. I have begun the forgiveness process but sometimes it is hard. They were close or at least I thought so. He would get manslaughter and a DWI and i’m sure something for not telling the police. I am really confused. Sometimes I feel disloyal by not bringing him to justice if I can prove it, only if he confesses or would my husband want that? He has a wife and two little ones that I would hate to see suffer. Even though I am sure his wife knows. You can tell by the way she acts. I am close to the children and so is my daughter. I know it’s hard to process it all and to forgive. Any thoughts on my situation?
HI Jackie,
My sincere condolences for your loss. My heart really goes out to you. After reading your story, I am somewhat at a loss for words. I don’t know that I can really advise you on this because it’s such a complex situation. I can understand why you’d be unsure what to do, and struggling with forgiveness, considering you don’t yet know exactly what happened, and you’re not really sure you want to know. Are you working with a therapist? If you aren’t already, I think it would help tremendously to speak with a professional so that you have a safe place to explore your feelings and options. You are in my thoughts.
Much love,
Lori
Hey Jackie,
Maybe you can write a letter on how you feel to that person. First just write down everything, everything you have heard, suspect, and what you know is fact, and how you feel. Maybe then if you want, you can mail it to this person keeping privacy. I think it’s about time you all got to heal…:) my prayers to you and your family…
[…] a previous post about forgiveness, I mentioned that I spent years holding onto anger toward someone who hurt me repeatedly years […]
[…] a previous post about forgiveness, I mentioned that I spent years holding onto anger toward someone who hurt me repeatedly years […]
i was physically and mentally abused by my ex,i still see t fit to avenge me as i really cant forgive him. sometimes i blame me for causing pain upon my self. sometimes when i see him i die inside, i regret the day i was born all because of this monster. how can u go on living knwing that u whipped a woman causing her to loose your child and still walk around smiling like nothing happened. how can i for give him, i really cant.
I am so sorry to learn about what you went through. I can’t imagine the pain you experienced, both through the abuse and your loss. Have you considering seeing a therapist to work through your feelings? Anyone in your shoes would be struggling; it might really help to consult a professional who can help you deal with it all. Much love to you…Lori
Hi Lori
there are some really good point on here….but what do you do when your tying to forgive a love one…..but your heart won’t allow you to….because u have alreally forgiving that person so many time….and they keep hurting u????
I am stuck in not being able to forgive someone who has robbed me of my trust, self esteem and future. This person would be my abusive husband. I was with him for many years before marrying him. I guess I jjust got used to the mistreatment. We have two children. WE have been seperated for 11 years due to abuse in the relationship. He has now moved on and had 3 more children. I have always wanted more children and although I know having more with him would never have been healthy, I can’t help but feel resentfult towards him. I just want to grasp this concept of forgiveness becasue quite frankly I am at the end of my rope and need to forgive him, but I don’t feel like I can do it after all he has put me through. How can I forgive and not think about all the wrondoings he continues to do to me today-court dates, children, etc? Please help….
I’m so sorry to hear about your abusive ex-husband. It’s never easy to forgive someone who has caused us great pain. It’s even harder when someone continues to behave badly. I haven’t been in your shoes, so I can’t offer advice from personal experience. However, I can say that I suspect a lot of this comes down to acceptance–accepting that he is not remorseful, that he is not making things easy on you now, and that you can either feel bitter about that or try, one moment at a time, to set yourself free. I think practicing mindfulness will help a great deal. While you may inevitably feel angry when you interact with him, he no longer has a grip on your life. And he can’t hold you back in any way. Your future is entirely in your hands, and you can shape it as you want if you hold onto your power instead of giving it to him. Perhaps it will help to create a mantra that you repeat when you start feeling angry or resentful, something like “I won’t let you hurt me anymore. Right now, I am free.” Jaycee Duggard said something similar about the man who abducted her and violated her repeatedly over 18 years–that he doesn’t get even one more moment of her life. I highly recommend reading her story if you’re looking for strength and inspiration!
hello am anne
yea i read about the forgiveness page,and said waoo bravo to those who can forgive no matter what the pain or hurt you feel.It has been very difficult for me since i discover the murder of my three kids and he
invoke illness on me
, and further cause a seperation for me and my husband,. this is so painful that i now live a lonely life which has never been my desire,please dear advise me on how i can forgive this person who almost takeaway by life?
i have forgiven him so many times , but when ever i think of it or see kids of same age as mind , the pain will come back , and i may weep the whole night or even throught out the day my mood will change . please dearest help me to forgive completely , i beg you
Hi Tah Anne,
I am so sorry for your losses, and honestly, I’m at a loss as to what to say. I can’t even imagine what you’ve gone through. While I could offer you some suggestions based on what’s helped me forgive, I’ve never experienced anything quite this traumatic. Have you sought professional help (through a therapist) to work through your feelings?
It might be a while before you fully heal from this experience. It will help if you have some extra support to come to terms with what has happened and find peace in the aftermath. You may also want to consider joining a support group for women who’ve lost children in this way. I’m sure it will help a great deal to connect with other people who know exactly what you’re going through.
I am sending you all my love and positive energy.
Love,
Lori
[…] How to Forgive Someone When It’s Hard (me) […]
Thanks for making this. Going thru deep treads of mud and it’s hard for me to get through. After reading these quotes and ideas I’m more at ease and making a change to forgive. I thank you once again.
You are most welcome. I’m glad this helped!
very good advices… can i add this- try to avoid or dissociated persons who had failed in life; they have more likely to hurt you. even be blamed you for their meceries and misfortunesthey are in . the best way is to avoid contact. peace.
1 -30…pick one that speaks to you. those are some powerful words. i think i will try #25. thanks for the insight into a powerful and imprisoning emotion!
You are most welcome!
Whether you want to forgive or forget, is up to you to decided. If you want your life to be more happy, then should try to do it. Always believe that you can.
I really liked these thoughts, they helped me! Especially #21 that it’s about them…not about me! I forgive JA and DL for all the pain they both caused me. However, I don’t wish them bad, I don’t wish them well…I just don’t with them anything right now. One step at a time!
sorry that should have read…I just don’t wish them anything right now.
Thank you.
It hasn’t quite made me forgive the person who hurt me but it has certainly set me on the path towards it. Hate is such a strong word. I don’t believe that anyone can actually hate somebody unless they’re a murderer or a rapist.
I don’t hate this person anymore. I just dislike them.
You can withdraw your forgiveness, always.
I know I have before. I may do so again.
Maybe one day, we will finally reach forgetting but until then, we must be content with forgiveness.
Laura H. Johnstone
You’re welcome, Laura. I have learned that hate is a poison, and there’s nothing more draining than carrying it around. Sending you love and light. =)
Lori
Thanks for the post. Someone completely destroyed me emotionally, hitting every core and breaking every limit of mine with their words. I can’t get over it. It makes me cry and so much time has passed but the pain is so real and as strong as if it JUST happened. God help me because I want to move on. my life has been shattered all this while. I never found the strength to completely pick myself back up. feel like as if everything has just gone downhill from that moment. Changed me so much. I just want to be able to look myself in the eye and smile again. Pray for me? Thank you…
You are most welcome, and you are in my thoughts. Is there anything I can do to help?
Much love,
Lori
I feel the exact same way you do. I am only here on this site today because it just dawned on me that all the pain, frustration, confusion, contempt, resentment, lost love and similar … is because I cannot forgive myself for letting the same feelings replay in my head, I cannot forgive myself for not stating my expectations loud enough or clear enough so that these things don’t continue to hurt me and I cannot forgive myself for NOT making a PERSONAL COMMITMENT TO SELF YET – that if this continues to happen I will have to (I am still looking for the completion of this sentence). All I know is that I am LOST! I have lost my entire SELF in this whirlwind of negative emotion. I have lost much of my will and I have lost the ability to call upon the strong, confident woman I REALLY am to get beyond this. As much as I have (I believe) forgiven my husband, every little miss-step he takes spirals me back into this place. Its horrendous and down right depressing! *I am finding great wisdom here on this site and I hope it will help me get through this because I don’t know if my marriage will last if I cannot. 🙁
I have been trying to forgive someone, but I can’t seem to do it. I know and agree with the idea that I need to forgive myself first. I am not angry about breaking up with an ex (best thing I could have done for myself), but my inability to forgive is more rooted in anger: my anger towards him and because he thinks what he did was okay. I don’t hate him by any means he does not deserve any more of my effort and energy. I just want to hear him say he is sorry which won’t happen. I tried to rationalize his behavior (good and bad in context) in hopes it would make it easier on me. Some days are better than others and I am always out staying busy and meeting new people, but I can’t get past it.
I know it sounds cliche to say “everything gets better with time,” but it’s generally true. You wrote that you can’t get past it. I would say to add “yet” to the end of that. Maybe you just need to be where you are for a while. If some days are better than others, you are making progress, even if it doesn’t seem that way.
I hear ya Sammi. 9 years later and I’m still carrying around an ax to grind. I come around to sites like this hoping to find an answer. How do you forgive someone? I’ve spent these 9 years looking at my behavior and can’t claim I was a saint. But, my ex, she did things that were wrong, even by her own admission. I know that at this point anything she says won’t mean anything.
I’ve given up on forgiveness, I just wish someone could point the way towards burying anger I can’t seem to lay down.
I woul look toward loving ur self for who u are and tell ur self that that hate will never bring anything but trouble and just love ur self for being u be happy with who you are I wasted a whole some on hate and ager remember that if u hate them u hate ur self so lucky be ur self and u will be able to love other an bring new life in to ur world
This is great. I really needed to know I’m not the only one who’s struggled to forgive someone.
Wow, I have been searching the internet for days to find out how to forgive my husband for the incredible pain he has caused me(at times I wish he had hit me instead because I can deal with physical pain better than this) and your words have been the most inspiring.
#16 Give up on all hope of a better pastthis one speaks the most to me as I realize that all the hurt, anger and resentment can not change what has been done. I think acceptance of what I can not change will bring the will to forgive and begin a better future. thank youMira
You’re most welcome Mira. I know what you mean about physical pain. I’ve felt that way many times–that it would be much easier than dealing with the emotional pain I used to carry around. I’m glad this post helped you. =)
I thought that I mastered forgiveness years ago. I was wrong. I’m nearly 4 months pregnant and just found out my boyfriend of 2 years has been unfaithful, even during my pregnancy. I KNOW in my heart in order to free myself and my child from this burden, mental and physical, I MUST forgive. I fear the mounting stress of this situation will have a negative physical impact on me and/or this baby. Everyone says forgiveness takes time… I feel like I don’t HAVE the time to spare. It would be ideal for me to forgive and rebuild this relationship to restore it. I don’t know what to do now. I will say that the tips on this sight have been incredibly helpful, but I still can’t FORCE myself into forgiving. I’m hurt by his actions and the potential danger he has put myself and the baby in. I don’t know where to start. I’m already tired of the repetitive negative thoughts and feelings that constantly replay in my head. I will take ANY advice… It’s urgent.
Hi Collin,
I can understand why it would be hard to forgive in a situation like this. I agree that it takes time. I think it might help to tremendously to focus on creating peace for yourself where and how you can, instead of trying to force yourself to forgive. For example, if you were to practice prenatal yoga, that would help create some inner calm, and then forgiveness could come naturally later as a byproduct of taking good care of yourself, and allowing yourself to work through your feelings we you feel ready.
Yoga and meditation helped me tremendously in releasing obsessive thoughts. I have a feeling either would be very helpful for you. They won’t completely melt your anger, but they’ll help you find a sense of inner peace and strength.
I hope this helps!
Much love,
Lori
Thanks so much for your article Lori. I’ve been struggling with forgiving someone for far too long, but in the process I managed to channel my anger into taking up exercising and working out several times a week! It has helped me quite a lot. If I was never betrayed I would never be as physically/mentally strong as I am now. I’m able to look at the bright side of things this way.
That’s wonderful that you used your emotion for something positive. What a wonderful lesson to share!
Collin
Undoubtedly a living hell for you and unfortunately the only way out is to go through it.
The hardest thing about emotional pain is that NONE of us want to experience it, but all of us MUST go through it, simply because it’s part of life.
Try to be compassionate for yourself first, and not for your boyfriend yet.
At the moment, expecting yourself to have compassion for him is way too much of a burden, and putting unnecessary pressure on yourself.
I don’t know if this may help, and if you choose not to do it, that’s fine. It’s just a suggestion. I was once in a similar situation where the father was violent.
You could try speaking to your baby about how sad it is for both of you that this is happening, and let baby know that often we cannot control how other people treat us, and although it hurts alot, this
hurtful experience is NOT about your value as two beautiful people, and it is NOT about your worth as two beautiful individuals.
You will both ALWAYS be valuable and worthwhile, simply because you are alive and have a right to be here.
I found this technique helped to feel the hurt, which is important in order to let it leave the body, and it also put me in touch with my baby inside me, and helped to feel that I could comfort her in some way.
I wish you well, and love, light and healing.
God is forgiven so we most forgive oneother Gog bless all
It has been about five months since my work situation happened. See my story below. I just found out that my former boss’s major client- a hotel/casino that she does work for is being sold. I saw the listing for it online. It is a big casino that has been in our city for a long time. I don’t know how she will be affected but I don’t think it is great news to her. At first I was happy. Then I heard this voice in my head- I am guessing my conscience telling me that I am not the kind of person to delight in another’s possible misfortune. If this affects her badly it could be called karma. But I actually did say a prayer for her and the other people that work for this casino. I have tried to reach out to her a couple times and no response. I guess it is progress for me to pray for someone who treated me like dirt. I don’t think I forgive her but saying a prayer is better than hating someone.
So many valid points, but for me the problem is how do I forgive my self for not wanting to allow that person into my life . The guilt I fell is all mine
I definitely know what it’s like to carry guilt around. My question for you: Do you think it’s wrong to set a boundary about who you want in your life?
My sister and niece took 70k from my mother when she was dying. They have no remorse. I am executor and was the last to know. Plus Merrill Lynch never told me the whole story so they also received their bequests (from what was left) and ended up benefiting from the theft of and elder. Anything over 400.00 is an egregious felony! They have lied, absconded with the personal property also and I have been trying for 3 years to get the d.a. to prosecute them. To no avail because my mother has passed away and can’t testify. Yet other counties have proscuted family members even when the victim couldn’t testify. I didn’t feel that the da really cared enough because they are family members. So over and over again people get away with this crime! Interestingly enough I am also angry at my mother for not telling me yet I know she was dying and they coerced her into not saying anything. I am 60 year old accounting professional I’ve worked hard all my life while my sister lived off of my mother and never lifted a finger! Almost my entire company was laid off two years ago so the little money that I had left is gone. So not only did they steal from my poor mother but from me my retirement. I am spiritual (I have 16 years in recovery and am active in AA)but this has thrown me for a loop. This is REALLY tough. The have no remorse, frolicking on Facebook like they don’t have a care in the world. I believe in a Higher Power yet sometimes I think what if there isn’t any judgement for them when they die. Just what IF there isn’t a God. I really really hate to say that because I truly believe otherwise yet….. I don’t trust ANYONE because I don’t want to be a sucker again. I hate them more than you can imagine and this isn’t the only thing they have done. Plus it’s so hard to get a CRIME like this prosecuted because it’s family. But I think it’s worse when it’s family. In addition I hate it when people say “Oh when push comes to shove though it’s your family” and “Blood is thicker than water”. Family members do terrible things to each other so I hate it when I hear someone say that. If it was a stranger or a friend how would you feel. I don’t care if they’re family members they do not deserve to even be called human to steal from your dying mother and grandmother. Plus my sister took my father’s pain pills after his quadruple bypass!! INCREDIBLE! So don’t lay that “They’re family” thing on me. I can’t go to even low cost therapy because I am on unemployment. I tried to read several books on Buddhism for serenity and dealing with suffering but it was hard going. Because EVERYONE suffers. I am killing myself here with rage against, my sister, niece, district attorney, Merrill Lynch on and on and IT IS KILLING ME! I’ve tried to use every AA tool I have (like praying for the person for two weeks even if you don’t mean it) and as thye say in AA “Resentment is the #1 offender they can bring us down” but I can’t get over it. I read quote after quote and it doesn’t help. I really need help. I know I should forgive because this hatred is negative and I hate negativity. I want them to pay and pay and pay but I can’t make that happen! A noted Elder Abuse advocate said to me he admired my perseverance in trying to hold them accountable but when do I give up and how do I deal with this? I volunteer with Meals on Wheels delivering meals to the elderly to try and do something positive but I’ll tell you this this is the hardest thing I have EVER had to deal with. I never knew I could hate two people this much. I also try to be grateful for what I have because I have more than a lot of people have and also the old AA tool writing down five things you are grateful for every day but NOTHING IS WORKING. Again another AA tool “Cut the self pity” but this is, to me, injustice that people would get away with a crime against a child, the elderly or animals. The very weakest. Then I get obssessed for several hours a day and literally can’t function I am so angry. I am open to ANY suggestions. My mother used to love Thanksgiving and Christmas but because of this I have spent the last four years alone during the holidays. But again I do feel gratitude because the suffering of others that is far worse. STILL….. Can anyone help me? Thanks so much! I hope you all had a great Thnaksgiving and find your serenity.
Hi Denise,
I can understand why it would be hard for you to forgive. I have always had a strong resistance to letting go when I feel something is unjust. I think it’s a natural human instinct to want things to be fair. It’s even more hurtful when the injustice involves people we care about and want to care about us better.
I can tell you’ve put a lot of time and effort into this–and I’m not sure I have other suggestions that will make this any easier. So instead, I am going to leave you with some questions:
-If you spent your whole life chasing justice for this, and they were held accountable the day before or after you die, would you be glad you made this your life’s mission?
-If you spent your whole life chasing justice for this, and it never happened, would you be glad you tried?
-What would it look like to let go for a day–just one day without thinking about this situation and the anger you feel?
-What would it mean to forgive them–what would it look like? How would your life change? How would it improve?
-If you forgive them, do you feel like they somehow got away with this? Is it really any different if you DON’T forgive them?
-What is more important to you–that they are held accountable for this, or that you have you have a sense of peace and happiness?
I realize this will be hard–it would be for me, as well. But ultimately no quotes, or advice, or support will help if somewhere inside you feel adamantly opposed to letting this go. Nothing will help until you are able to accept that what happened happened, and then release the need to fight it. That may be something you need to do one day at a time. You might let go for an hour and then feel angry again. Take it day by day, and even moment to moment. Build up periods of acceptance and peace. That truly is the only way to forgive–to make a choice, and then if you feel resistant, make it again.
I hope this helps.
Much love,
Lori
Thank you Lori. I think again with my background in AA that the One Day at a Time is one key. I think it’s harder when I’m home all day, looking for a job, can’t go anywhere or do anything (volunteering does help for the short term). If I was working or otherwise occupied I probably wouldn’t think about it so much and just keep dwelling on it for two hours. Also trying to get something done through the courts for the last 2 1/2 years for mom has kept it in the forefront for a long time. What I would like is a conviction and in addition I’d like to tie them both to a chair and scream at them for about 24 hours! My long time sponsor agrees it’s hard with so much time on my hands. Your last paragraph was spot on also. Acceptance (another tenet of AA) page 449 in the old Big Book. Thank you for reminding me……… to quote page 449……”And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation, some fact, unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person , place , thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, nothing happens in God’s world by mistake,. Unless I accept life completely on life’s terms I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.” How could I forget that quote! You also hit on something else….your fifth question, If I forgive them does it feel like they have gotten away with something? The answer is YES! I guess I’ve been reading and hearing so much about the fact that I have to forgive them to get peace that I am forcing myself to do something that I just cannot do right now…or so it seems. You know……I’m not going to be a sucker again! You have posed some great questions for me to think about and how kind of you to respond so quickly. “Build up periods of acceptance and peace.” Instead of beating myself up because I cannot forgive two heinous criminals right now. Thank you again Lori you have helped more than you know.