“In each of us lie good and bad, light and dark, art and pain, choice and regret, cruelty and sacrifice… No one can live in the light all the time.” ~Libba Bray
Happiness, and the quest for it, is not all it’s cracked up to be. What I mean is that I think we’re making a mistake in reaching only for happiness, lightness, good days, and good moods.
I think that we’re restricting ourselves.
We’re fishing in an ocean of emotions, looking to only reel in one or two kinds, throwing back the ones we don’t want without even noticing how shockingly beautiful they can be in their strange, confusing way, much like the fascinatingly mysterious fish of the deep sea.
There was a long time in my life when I wanted happiness, so I avoided pain. I wanted to call myself brave, so I didn’t admit I was afraid.
In my search for joy, I pushed away the other emotions I didn’t like, thinking I’d be left with only happiness.
But something was still wrong. I wasn’t full. By denying myself the plethora of emotions and feelings we, as human beings, are supposed to experience, I was only connecting with myself on a surface level.
I spent many of my days trying to achieve a persistent state of peace and happiness, and I wasn’t being honest with myself.
How could I just be happy when my heart was broken in two? When my own dad wouldn’t talk to me anymore? When I was uncertain and afraid of the future and the path I decided to take.
Yet all I wanted was happiness, and I kept pushing away anything else I felt that wasn’t “good.”
It took me a while to realize that I didn’t feel like myself anymore. And that was because I wasn’t. I was pretending to be a flat placard of peace and joy, which isn’t very real, is it?
I realized I was robbing my soul of all the emotions and feelings and desires it should have.
Every feeling and all the changes we go through become precious when we realize they are all necessary, and they create contrasting beauty in our lives.
Would you rather be happy, or would you rather be full inside?
Happiness is fleeting. It flits in and out of our days like a bird, singing a beautiful song that we want to revel in all our life, for one moment while the sky is blue, not to be found on the days with dark clouds, heavy winds, and gray skies.
But fullness—that is deep in our soul. When we have that, it never leaves. Fullness encompasses everything. It’s what allows us to be fully human in all the raw, real ways.
We need the contrasts that fullness, not just happiness, provides us. How else can we know true joy if we have never known sorrow? How can we feel and trust the deepest kind of love if we have never felt heartbreak?
In art, this is called chiaroscuro. It’s the play of light and dark within a picture, the idea that you need dark shading on one side in order to notice where the light is supposed to hit on the other.
I believe that art reflects life.
I think that by suppressing emotions we don’t like, such as fear and uncertainty and pain, we are taking away the shading of our own image. We’re denying ourselves the beautiful picture that needs the contrasts and shadows in order to be complete.
Sometimes, two seemingly conflicting emotions can fit together and coexist. Have you ever felt that? Maybe you have pain inside you that you suppressed, and suddenly another person finds a way to gently bring it to the surface.
That person and their kind eyes bring warmth to your heart, even while the pain is being laid bare.
Happiness can fill your chest and sadness can well in your eyes until they are entwined in a beautifully poignant harmony. This is chiaroscuro in its most desired form—the shadow contrasting with the brilliant light, creating a depth and fullness that couldn’t be reached any other way.
Don’t ever think that being so paralyzed by fear you don’t know how to take a step, or feeling angry and betrayed, or sobbing while your heart is in shreds, or feeling lonely or confused or uncertain or whatever you feel, is wrong or not good.
It’s your shading, your shadows, making up the complete, beautifully exquisite image of your soul and your life.
Couple on the beach painting via Shutterstock
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Happiness and fullness. Very well said, Melissa.
Without pain, it’s indeed impossible to reach the peak of happiness you’ve ever experienced. And also impossible to maintain a certain state where you can truly say you’re “normally” happy, simply–with or without any more pain.
Wonderful post, thank you.
Thank you Ethan!
I agree wholeheartedly! We always try to run from the bad, but we rarely realize the bad is there to show us how good the good is.
Thanks 🙂
“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.” (Rumi)
Wow – I like this! Exactly right 🙂
Beautiful, Melissa. Well said.
Thank you! 🙂
Beautiful.
Thank you!
Beautifully written! I love the way you describe chiaroscuro.
Thank you Leslie! 🙂
This is the most beautiful article I have read in a long time. Thank you Melissa.
Thank you so much. That means a lot to me
Excellent article.
Thank you!
Beautifully written, going thru a difficult time right now , I have experienced joy and pain- anger and happiness – it gives be great comfort to think I’m building my full picture, thank you
You’re welcome, and thank YOU. It’s good to know someone could use this. Hang in there 🙂
At one at the most despairing moments of my life, when I felt I could barely breath or speak or lift my body to standing so I could drag it into work I found myself uttering just two words … “Feed me”. I was empty.
I agree. To be full is better than to be happy.
Happiness is a surface thing. Fullness is deep and more fulfilling. I hope you’ve found more light since that moment in your life. Thank you for sharing:)
Yes, I have seen much light and seeing it left me with little regret that I had seen darkness, tough I still see both. 🙂
I am lost for words because this article resonated with me in such an amazing way. I woke up this morning and I did not want to get out of bed. Things are not going well in my life and I had a dream of ending it. I just sat with that thought and that image. And I am making my way to get through this hell one hour at a time.
Thank you for sharing this with all of us.
Talya,
I’m so glad this helped. Remember that nothing lasts forever – neither good nor bad things. You’ll make your way through and the tough times will end. There’s always something good and beautiful out there, it’s just a matter of recognizing it and making your way there. Stay strong
This is a perfect time for me to read this article. Thank you so much. I believe that art does reflect life!
You are welcome 🙂 And it does! Vice versa too
My bf broke up with me June last year and dated a transwoman for 2 months. all that time, I tried to get him back..so after 2 months he got back with me..Thought I would be happy with us getting back together and then now living together for 7 months. However, I still can’t stop thinking of what he did..asking myself why does the person that claims to love me so much can also be the same person that hurt me so much. When I found out he was dating a transwoman, I cried and cried and felt traumatized by it. Every single day that’s all I think about. Saw their picture kissing and such when I looked at his computer and I cant shake off the feeling that this person doesn’t really love me as much as he claimed to be. He apologized over and over again for what he did, cried and begged me not to leave him when I feel that we can’t go on anymore and that I had to leave. I went through tough times since then..I had a few panic attacks, anxiety when I’m all alone with my thoughts, and depression which is worse in the morning..Now I feel like nothing seems to interest me anymore. I’m trying as hard to get through breath by breath, day by day, forcing myself to get out of bed, thinking that today will be a better day, forcing the negative thoughts out of my head and replacing them with positive encouragement..that I am strong and that I can handle anything that life throws at me..But on the back of my mind, I’d think that no youre not strong, you can’t even leave him and such..Everyday is a battle like this..Kept thinking to leave him but i dont seem to have the courage to do so..especially now that I’m most vulnerable to depression. I don’t have any friends nor supportive family to help me get through this. My bf seems to really be supportive, encouraging me to go to therapy, cooking for me when it’s hard to eat..in between sobs.. I just don’t know how to rebuild my life from here. and to stop the negative thoughts..and feel hopeful that we can still be like the old us..happy and not worrying about anything. I just want to at peace and happy in life. and be content again.
Lean,
I know what it means to love someone and have your heart broken. To not know how to pick up the shattered pieces afterward; it seems like there’s too many pieces to even know where to begin. It’s tough, and it lasts longer than we’d like it to. But I promise you, you will be okay again. If you love him, stay. If you do not, don’t stay out of the fear that you have no one else. Please don’t. All of us go through difficult things, and we are there for each other. There is always someone, even if it’s a stranger, who cares. And Lean, you ARE strong. What do you like to do? What would you like to be able to do? Start there, learn something new or dive into an old hobby. Regain YOU. I struggled to do the same, but I am so much more content than I was a year ago. It takes time. If you need to, you can always email me! Stay strong, and never dismiss the power and comfort in hope.
Thanks, Melissa for your kind words. I’m just hoping for the rollercoaster of emotions to stop. I’m doing my best to distract myself, to consciously forgive him for what he’s done. It’s hard work, to convince myself that we still have hope for a happy relationship. But my depression and anxiety seems to be causing us to drift further apart. I have a lot of thoughts/worries regarding our relationship. I noticed that I’m overly sensitive these days and easily get upset when I remember past events/arguments. My question now is that how did you successfully conquer those negative thoughts and how did you finally found peace and contentment? Is it easier or faster to find healing when you are alone or when you are still together? TY in advance.
I found peace and contentment apart from him. We broke it off and I made it a point to really go cold turkey and not talk to him at all. Very difficult at first, and there was a lot of hurt and sadness. I knew it would take time and pictured myself being alive and happy again, and that belief and hope in the future helped me so much. You have to believe. When you can picture yourself happy, it makes it easier to work toward it. Then you start investing in yourself – exercising, eating healthy. Taking up old hobbies or new. Making a list of things you’ve always wanted to do (small enough that they’re possible, big enough to be inspiring) and take pride and joy in crossing them off. Little steps every day. Be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself, know that it’s okay to still have bad days. Just always make sure to take a deep breathe after a bad day and count the good things. You’ll be okay, with whatever you decide to do. Just be kind to yourself, that’s the biggest thing. Trust yourself, believe in yourself, treat yourself as a friend. You’ll feel better and stronger.
Hi Melissa,
Thank you so much for your response. I think I’ll break up with him, but my question now is that since I found out about this, I’ve been dealing with anxiety and depression. It seems like lately, I have terrible mood swings. I go through a period of anger, sadness, apathy, don’t feel like doing anything, crying almost everyday, and wishing that I’d sleep forever, or wake up from this nightmare. I noticed that morning is the hardest for me. I have to force myself to get up, eat, take a shower, and go to work. I worked 40 hrs a week and it seems that that’s the only thing that helps me distract myself from negative thoughts. However, it seems like life is just passing me by, and i feel like I’m physically okay as I can still work, but my mind is always stuck in the past or in the future and I find myself thinking or ruminating everyday. How do you break this cycle? the negative thoughts, the anxiety and depression. I’ve been taking AD and been going to counselling so far, and it seems to help.. Do you have similar experiences like mine? How long before you were over him?
Hi Lean,
I didn’t have those same experiences/feelings, and I think it’s good you’ve been going to counseling and that work helps take your mind off things. I don’t know about being “over” him, but I do know that months later I was able to forgive and accept, which is the most important part. Hang in there Lean – there’s always hope and light. Find a little bit of it each day, and it’ll keep growing stronger. Keep talking to someone, keep believing – you are your own source of goodness and light, it’s all inside you. Don’t forget that! Everything passes, even the bad times, and you’ll come out stronger on the other side. Head up <3
Nicely done, and I think it might be true.
But today is the 7th anniversary of my daughter’s admission to hospice —
just 30 days before her passing at age 42.
Sometimes I wish….
I’m sorry jmnyack, I have no doubt that the passing of a child of yours is one of the worst pain someone could ever go through. I hope that she first was able to live a good life, with you in it. You can take comfort in that
I just read this same article in the Daily Buddha. I am confused as to who really wrote this. Are you and Jim the same person? Love the article
Hi Sue! I’m not Jim, but this is my article. Are you sure it was the same one? I tried to find it on Daily Buddha but didn’t see it.
Yes it is the same article almost word for word with just a few different sentences posted on May 8 on the Daily Buddha. Just has a different title. I left a comment on his website but my comment is still awaiting moderation. you might want to check it out!! it was titled The Other Side. Just click on the post.
Hi Sue,
My name is Lori, and I am the founder of this site. I just found this post on The Daily Buddha. Thank you so much for pointing this out. I am going to contact Jim and ask him to properly credit Melissa and Tiny Buddha.
Happy Saturday =)
Lori
It is also on his Facebook page “The Daily Buddha”
Thanks Sue! I left a comment there as well.
Just got an email from the Daily Buddha that he is on “sabbatical”. Also he has deactivated his Facebook page and his website. Karma is a bitch…
Designing Your Email
The Daily Buddha Is Taking A Sabbatical
Many things have arisen in my personal life which require my full attention and devotion. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to let go of, but as I always say, change is the one constant in this life. I will embrace this phase of my life and move forward with peace and love in my heart and the knowledge and insights I have gained from you my readers.
We will not call this the end, but simply embrace it as the next chapter. I truly hope to return to this and encourage everyone to go forth and be A Daily Buddha!
Peace and Love, Jim
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So true! I love when you said “Every feeling and all the changes we go through become precious when we realize they are all necessary, and they create contrasting beauty in our lives.” Growing up I was taught to hide my negative emotions or to just get over it. What I found though it is necessary to give yourself permission to feel (even the negative ones). It’s in these moments of contrast that alerts us to stop and reflect on whatever is going on in our lives. It provides a way for us to navigate our lives and make the appropriate course adjustment as we see fit. Thanks Melissa!
Exactly Theresa! I’m glad you liked it and it meant something to you 🙂
Hi Melissa,
This is a wonderful post, and I really enjoyed reading it. It’s eloquently written with beautiful insights. Isn’t it amazing how many sources in life point to opposites and how, together, they make a whole? I had never heard of chiaroscuro but it is a beautiful concept, and one I use in photography. Sometimes adding a bit of shadow really draws the attention to the light and colours, and helps to bring the beauty out. Too much light and the colour actually fades. Life is similar, as you said. When we only pay attention to the ‘positive’ feelings, we miss out on so much depth and opportunity for growth within ourselves.
The self-help book ‘The Happiness Trap’ explores this idea as well. We can’t be happy all the time nor should we be. None of the emotions are good or bad, they are simply emotions and they will pass. As a long time anxiety sufferer, this idea helped me overcome the worst of it. Knowing that I’m okay as I am and that, like a river, my thoughts and feelings are constantly flowing and changing.
Thank you for writing and sharing this post. It’s one of my favourites!
Tara
Hi Tara,
Thanks so much! I love the chiaroscuro concept as well, and to me it’s almost comforting to understand it in life as well. And it does work so well in art, photography, etc. Thanks for your thoughtful comment 🙂
Melissa
Your article struck a chord within me. So true and bittersweet. Thank you for your beautiful post, Melissa.
Thank you for the heartfelt comment Julie! I’m glad you got something from it 🙂
I adore this wisdom and knowledge. I believe our society (especially my generation) is so focused on pleasure, what Covey would call the pleasure center, we try to avoid all negativity at all cost. Not realizing that the negative is there for a reason for us to know more about life and ourselves. We all have gone through negative times and it is how we react to those times that really dictate our future.
I guess it is like the yin and yang of life, both forces are so vital to becoming whole if we avoid one side, we limit our potential and lose sight of who we are. Keep spreading the freedom of truth!
Mental Vault
Thank you for the comment Michael!
You mentioned your generation being so focused on pleasure… are you Generation Y like me, then? 🙂 Seems like you have it figured out well though! I totally agree that it’s how we react to the negative times that dictate our future.
Thank you!
Generation Y in all its glory! But it’s understandable we lived in the most prosperous times in world history, hard to let that pleasure center go. As Napoleon Hill said, “Defeat carries with it an equivalent virtue, the unearned gifts of every nature may become a curse instead of a blessing.”
I love that you brought this up. I’m 21, and feel the same (I don’t know if you’re in my generation). People try so hard to be happy, and end up in the middle, neither happy nor pained. Many people at this moment will psyche themselves into thinking they have felt pain: They think, oh I was lonely, poor, and useless but they in fact never embraced it and gave themselves to it. I have had a lot of great experiences already in life and can’t wait to see what else comes my way, because I enjoy both equally. I must admit that my severe anxiety and depression helped me come to this realization so early in my life. Once I felt a sense of dread deep down in my chest, then walked outside and just sat there on the porch for hours taking in nature and felt quite a bit of joy, and it was then I got it.. I’m not an emotional person at all, but the pain helps me feel true happiness. And only then do I feel complete.
Thanks for sharing Melissa. I found your blog to be relevant to my life today. For years I have struggled with an all or nothing type of thinking, even to this day. I am always waiting for the right feeling to get motivated to accomplish things in my life. But I find many days, I wake up feeling a little depressed and tired. But once in a while, I embrace the dark side of me and move forward anyway, and I find that fullness eventually takes over. But waiting for happiness to take over never works all the time, because happiness and good feelings do not come naturally all the time. So I have to embrace even the empty dark side occasionally in order to live life.
You’re not alone Mark – most of us struggle with the “all or nothing” type of thinking, and I would add instant gratification to that also. I’m glad you could relate, and I’m glad that you seem to have found a good mentality about it! We will all have a little bit of light and dark throughout our lives. It’s what we do with each, that counts 🙂
I remember lying in my room when I was in high school and writing in a journal to my future husband. I’d write all sorts of notes and questions and things I’d wonder or ask this man when I eventually met him. I would wonder where he was and what he was doing and if he was thinking about me too. It has always been succh a strong desire in my heart to find a wonderful man to marry, someone who would love me and cherish me and appreciate me for the person I am. I always thought I would get married right out of college, just like my parents, so when that plan didn’t work out, I started to get discouraged. A school mate snatched my future husband away from my arms just because she had spiritual powers, all hope was lost to me before i came across the help doctor (prayerstosaverelationship@gmail.com
) who i confided in, i told him my long story and he helped me regain back my lover with his prayers which is now my husband today. if you have any problem email the help doctor (prayerstosaverelationship@gmail.com
).
I once observed a couple who had fought with each all their lives together, under duress in the last days of life, turn into the most loving relationship imaginable. I thought it a most beautiful sadness.
This is one gorgeous article. Drinking every word. Thank you.
“chiaroscuro” love how you used this term. Very visual brilliant piece! Thank you
Mindfulness meditation at its best is the art and science of embracing all experience, painful as well as pleasant. It is only when we bring the combined consciousness and love that is mindfulness to our pain that the emotional suffering can heal, and in this process we also become much stronger and more able to live life fully. Our worst enemies are Avoidance and Aversion because these feed suffering; mindfulness is their exact opposite.
The Boulder Center for Online Mindfulness Therapy
Great article.
Thank you very much for this beautiful, delicate and valuable piece of art and wisdom!
It reached deep in my heart, in my mind… And made me feel so free… So light…
Thank you again! 🙏