“How people treat other people is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves.” ~Paulo Coelho
By nature, I am a happy, optimistic, idealistic person. I have always been one to look on the bright side and see the good in people. My usual philosophy in life is that the world is full of brightness, love, and possibilities to seize.
Recently, though, my philosophy began to fade in the face of a mild depression.
I began to cry a lot and retreat into myself rather than being social and opening up, which only furthered the problem. I felt alone, miserable, and, try as I might, I could not regain that feeling of the world being beautiful.
I felt like something had crawled into my brain and flipped all the positive switches off and the negative ones on. I felt hopeless, like it was more of a disease than a feeling.
Before the depression, I was a kind, gentle, and compassionate person. Sometimes I was even too gentle, afraid to bring up anything that might offend someone else or damage our relationship.
I didn’t understand how other people could be mean, rude, or offensive toward strangers or friends. I took it personally when people affronted me or were curt with me, believing they were truly out to get me for something I’d done.
When people were mean, I figured it was a personal choice, that it was a conscious decision to stop caring about other people’s feelings and opinions.
When I became depressed, though, my temper shortened and I felt far more irritable.
I had little patience for anything, and I lived in a constant state of anxiety about social interactions. Whenever I engaged in conversation with someone else, I assumed they found me boring, annoying, or self-obsessed, and it sent me even further into my sadness.
I started to become rude and unkind myself. I lashed out at people, or, more commonly, gave them passive aggressive excuses for distancing myself from them.
I even became prone to insulting people as a way of protecting myself if they didn’t like me.
I didn’t make a conscious decision to be mean. I didn’t wake up in the morning and think, “Today, I am going to hurt someone’s feelings.” It just happened in the moment when I was feeling especially down on myself.
Most of the people I was rude to were actually friends of mine, people I liked and had nothing against.
This is no excuse for rudeness, offensive behavior, or being unkind to other individuals. I am not proud of the way I’ve acted, and I’m not suggesting you follow in my footsteps, but it did give me a new perspective on other people I come across who are less than kind.
When someone is rude for no reason, especially a stranger, it’s rarely a personal assault, even if you accidentally did something to irritate them.
People aren’t mean for the sport of it, or because they are against you; people are mean to cope.
Being unkind, more often than not, is a reaction to anger with ourselves or our perceived inadequacy. When I was rude to other people, it was because I was afraid they wouldn’t like the nice me. I didn’t mind if they were angry at the fake, unkind me, because it really wasn’t me.
I felt unlovable, undesirable, and antisocial, and I needed a way to cope with these feelings by giving myself an alter ego that deserved to be disliked for reasons I could understand.
When you find that people are being rude to you in your everyday life, they are really being mean to themselves.
They have likely convinced themselves that they are unworthy of love, and that is the biggest tragedy of all.
You don’t have to tolerate it when others are not nice, but it’s not something to take personally.
You don’t have to internalize the meanness as a fault of your own. You can simply recognize that the person being rude is struggling with their own problems, and needs a way to cope with them.
You cannot control the actions and behaviors of others, only your personal reactions to them.
If you yourself are the one who has been unkind, it is time for self-reflection. Why do you attack people? What are you trying to protect yourself from?
In my case, I got depressed because I felt socially awkward and I began losing friends. After that, I shied away from social gatherings, only augmenting the problem.
I constantly thought negative things, such as “Nobody likes you,” “Who would want to be your friend?” and “You are not worthy of the friends you have.” I created a toxic environment inside my own head, and it wasn’t based in reality.
I knew I had to change my outlook, so I pushed myself to see the good in myself and the reasons why I’m likable; as a result, I began to see the good in others again too.
It’s not an easy process, and for many, it requires therapy and months of time. However, you can begin your journey back to kindness by being kinder to yourself.
Listen closely to your destructive, self-critical thoughts. Are they based in reality, or are you fabricating them?
If you criticize yourself because you feel guilty about things you did in the past, work on nurturing self-forgiveness, just as you’d forgive a loved one for those same mistakes.
If you criticize yourself because you were raised to believe you were a bad person, recognize this isn’t true, and know that you can choose to heal and challenge this belief as an adult.
Try to look at yourself from an outside perspective and remind yourself of all the unique and beautiful qualities you possess and have the ability to share with the world.
With enough time and effort, you will begin to see the pattern in your unkind behavior and its link to your own anger at yourself.
Once you can hone in on your feelings about yourself, you can begin to make conscious decisions to be kind to others instead of lashing out as a coping mechanism.
I have always unfalteringly held the belief that people are inherently good, and only do bad things in reaction to bad situations.
The most important thing to remember, whether you are receiving or giving unkindness, is that you are inherently good, too, and deserve to be loved, no matter what you or someone else tells you.
About Avery Rogers
Avery Rogers is a high school student in California. She aspires to be an author, spiritual writer, and neuroscientist when she grows up. She is the creator and host of the Brainstorms Podcast, a neuroscience podcast for teenagers. She also runs a personal blog about love, spirituality, and the meaning of life at on her blog Pluto’s Journal.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
This is a process that people recovering from (emotional) abuse experience too. More often than not they have been made to feel that they deserved or caused the abuse. Thanks for this great insight, I will share with our followers. Fly Free, xM
That’s very true, and I’m sorry for not touching on that. It’s not a personal experience of mine, but I’m sure the recovery process is very similar in the sense of finding your own value and worth again. Thank you for sharing!
Very accurate and insightful. I struggled with depression for many, many years.
Thank you, and I’m so sorry to hear that. Depression is such a difficult thing to get through, but I believe we grow from it far more than we ever anticipate, too.
I will reply to your reply with a long comment, which I think you will enjoy reading.
I have had a very unusual life; I was raised by a single mother with untreated paranoid schizophrenia (she was eventually treated and is doing fine). I struggled with depression for most of my life. About twelve years ago I started getting over the depression.
But only recently I noticed how strong my negative distortions were. And also only recently I noticed how much my depression was affecting other people. That insight is not easy for a person with a history of this type to develop, because you have to trust yourself enough to see that other people had positive ideas about you. When you’re depressed you just feel that other people dislike you as much as you dislike yourself. It’s a disorder that can make people literally believe that committing suicide will make their family happier. You don’t get that you have the power to be make other people happy or unhappy.
Interestingly, one of the things that helped – beside therapy – was that I started being positive to people at a new job as a strategy. I had realized that I had compromised my career by being negative. Needless to say, people love it when you are friendly and positive to them. That isn’t something a depressed person gets. A depressed person thinks that if they tried to be positive, other people would be scornful or something. It’s quite unfair to other people. You try to beat yourself up, other people get hurt too.
By the way, I am a pathologist. I see you are interested in being a neurologist. That is a wonderful goal. If you aim for that goal now, not only is it a plausible and valuable goal in itself, but the process of going for it will open up many other opportunities. Here are a few tidbits of pragmatic advice –
1) Due to my family situation I didn’t do any advanced courses in high school. I did very well in college and got into med school anyway, but if you have the chance, get some things under your belt, especially calculus.
2) You can’t control which medical school you get into so give some thought to controlling debt at the undergraduate level.
3) Take the MCAT exam very seriously.
Good luck with everything.
Thank you for sharing your story, Harold. I have a similar background, only my mother was bipolar and I was mentally & emotionally abused. I have had to undo all of the harm she caused and I think I’m almost “there”. I no longer blame her as I know she did the best she could. When she was dying, I was the most present for her. Oddly enough, I only began to forgive her this year and she’s been gone now for 6 years.
Your advice for Avery is very generous and kind. Amazing how an article can bring people together!
Thank you for sharing yours.
Mental illness often makes you do the exact opposite of what you want to do. My mother would have wanted more than anything to raise her children to be happy. She had an illness that tragically interfered with that, although in the end it looks as if things are working out. I am sure it is the same with your mother as well.
I have a brother, and we have not had any trouble forgiving our mother, possibly because her illness made her need our help. However, it is also tough that way, too. For many years I felt disloyal if I admitted how much impact my mother’s illness had on me, as I wanted to minimize the impact, in order to not blame my mother for my own problems. I’m finally able to get that I can love my mother, appreciate the good things she did, understand that she did her best and had the best intentions, and also honestly state that she had a terrible disease that impacted on us in a profound way.
My mother also had a lot of great qualities. They were overshadowed by her illness. I lived alone with her and didn’t share a lot of what was happening with my siblings and as a result, they hated me for a long time. She would distort stories about events. As we all got older, she began lashing out at them, too and I think they began to understand a bit. A very little bit, but a bit nonetheless. What ends up happening in cases like mine is that you feel so bad about yourself that you automatically blame yourself for feeling so bad. It’s not about placing blame on my mother, but understanding that her behaviour had a definite impact on my psyche and personality. People can’t make this distinction and just accuse you of placing blame and not taking responsibility for your life. I began to think this, too and I only ended up feeling worse. Finally understanding that I am not “broken” or “bad” or “not a nice person” but just conditioned to think that about myself was a huge breakthrough. Again, not blaming my mother, but understanding what transpired. As I mentioned, I am getting “there” and probably am almost “there”. Most importantly, I broke the cycle and raised an amazing child myself. Best wishes to you going forward and congratulations on all of your breakthroughs!
Best wishes to you, too. Many thanks for sharing your story with me.
It’s so nice to see a conversation like this among strangers; I really enjoyed reading both of your stories and thank you for sharing. I always find that finding someone else who shares your struggles is the best way to get through them, whether the other person has overcome them or simply understands what you are going through.
I don’t have a similar childhood experience, so I can’t add to your thread, but I wish you both the best in getting through your childhood issues with your parents. It’s a process, always, and I hope you both find that struggling helps you become a better person in the future.
You’re quite the young lady, Avery. Your parents should be very proud and you should be proud of yourself. I can’t believe you are in hight school. Thank you for touching us and bringing us “together”. Best of luck to you in all that you do!
Why thank you! Sometimes I feel like an old lady in a sixteen-year old body, but then I do something characteristically teenage (mostly complain about the “system”) and the feeling wears off. Thanks again!
I have to agree with the comment below. Your togetherness is amazing.
The MCAT is for medical school. You will do extremely well and don’t have to worry for a few years anyway. However it is good to be aware of it. Unfortunately, the existence of prep courses means that essentially everybody uses one. I was a “starving student” but I studied with a friend who let me use material from a prep course (we both did well and got into medical school).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Medical_College_Admission_Test
Much more importantly, thanks for your replies and for the article.
I wrote another article for Tiny Buddha about how being a positive influence for others helped me to feel more adequate and let go of expectations I placed on myself, and I think you’ve hit on another valuable use for kindness: curing your own depression. Recently, I’ve been trying to spread more compliments and connect with new people that I’d previously been cut off from to regain my calm and happiness. Thank you for your story, not only did I very much enjoy reading, but hearing someone’s story and how they overcame always helps me with my own life decisions and struggles.
As far as your advice goes, thank you! I just finished BC Calculus this year (one of my favorite classes I’ve taken in high school), and I took some other APs as well. I will keep the other two in mind (I actually didn’t realize the MCAT was med school, so thanks!). Thank you so much for your advice and your story, I really appreciate it!
This is so true! There are lots of times, when we feel confused and end up blaming ourselves for everything. Forgiving others is a good deed, but forgiving ourselves is also important. Whatever the situations are, we have to move on and that’s the law of Nature. Very well written, Avery!
One of my most harmful tendencies is finding a way to blame myself for everything- it’s something I’m still working on today. Thank you for your comment and insight!
Maybe acceptance as a formal step to undertake when recognizing self blame. I’ve been doing that lately, like a little self confessional, and self forgiveness, it feels good afterward.
I have found that the only way to deal with some “mean people” is to just stay away from them altogether. This puts me at odds with the whole forgiveness “movement” for lack of a better term. The result? I just end up feeling guilty – like I have no right to cut the mean person out. It’s a process! Thank you for a great piece on the subject, Avery.
I agree that there are times when you simply have to walk away. Sometimes, you have to be kind to yourself, and that means leaving a person or situation when there’s nothing you can do to improve it. However, I think most of the time, a number of conversations about the root of someone’s rudeness can lead to a healthier relationship. As you said, it’s a process. Thank you for reading and sharing!
Avery I just want say many people have similar situati9ks whether be there being ignored by others take for example catholic church its common now a days but I do believe if you be with right good people. You have good life good future waiting for you. We just got accept that others have issues if they talk mean toward you. Now I seen others talk mean towards me sometimes there but headed like this company rovio they talk nice but really they don’t clearly understand, plus they can talk mean at times if you say certain word. Be careful of what you say to others is also important cause it can cause fights like on news, or chaos even worst.
I was talking about this with my cousin this morning and I said the same thing. Sometimes we have to isolate a negative influence from ourselves for our own wellbeing. Sometimes it is factually the other person who is isolating themselves as they push others away. I am beginning to really see meanness as a symptom, and I am recognizing in the past when I was mean and even now when I witnessed mean behaviors it is a symptom like a nutrient deficiency showing on the leaves of our plant species, and it makes me sad and left feeling a little powerless.
so hows that working for you, you watch the news at night ?? just a query, because i gaurantee you do and you watch tons of negative movies as well, play negative computer games and indeed you also have negative traits about you that other people see in you, you are not some perfect being buddy who can isolate negative influences in life, in fact energy in life is created by 2 things positive flow and negative flow of current producing ENERGY , and if you want further proof we are made of atoms made from 2 particles a negative particle nuetron and positve particle proton, so it is in everyones DNA or life to have negative and positive . Science will clearly tell you that it creates energy, in fact when you learn some more in life that a lot of negative situations you are in actually have positive messages, AND WHY well it is science, so as much as you think you can try to get rid of negative influences as you put it, it is actually IMPOSSIBLE TO, however good luck with that delusion
I observe you projecting disrespect, arrogance and meanness in your posts. If you seek to be helpful how about you review your style of communicating your ideas instead of using this place to put others down with your aggressive tone? Starting with the notion that others are delusional.
If I’m delusional let’s see what u know.. everyone has problems.Don’t mad at me for what psychology professors said …Idgaf about what mean people say. I can be angry sometimes, but I’m not always empty like you. So go be empty and pathetic somewhere else. You don’t need top be a PhD in psychology to know that!
Mean ppl never fail to make me laugh in pity for them! Lol.
I’m sick of “mean people”
Mean people are just mean, because they are just miserable and really need to get help.
Everyone gets upset every once and a while, but I’m studying psychology, and have found that to be correct. Mean people are the most unhappy and weak. They often put up a barrier of arrogant behavior to hide their true feelings. Mean people are empty and depressed deep down.
So true.
Don’t mean to be mean but I would like to point out a factual inaccuracy Neutron doesn’t have any charge while Electron is negatively charged. By the way I got the gist of your statement.
Thank you😊
Thank you for your meanness. You made a good example for someone who is pathetically miserable.😄
Youre welcome. Thank you for your pathetic meanness. Interesting. What grade are you in? First or second? ROFL. You only are mean because you, (and your friends) are losers. I feel bad for you guys and your mean little delusion.🤣
If you can’t stand people like them, don’t be like them.
You just don’t get it… how sad
I don’t know what b.s. science you believe in but psychology says mean people are just miserable victims that have mental problems. Besides, even the schools are cracking down on bullying and all the foolish behavior of people that don’t know where they stand in life. Science has said that meanness is for people that are weak and/or broken. Just Google it.
Don’t worry about mean people. For all the nice people: Don’t let anyone mean people hold you back, tell the mean person/people to talk to the hand when they are talking trash against you👋
I’m a PhD too. Actually, I took a class in biology, I had to get extra credits from my university, and I can see that what this blog has truth to it. But, everyone has their issues, The good people help their true friends in the end. Rude people are bad friends, if you were ever in a car accident, they would most likely not be there. But rude people can be happy, but they always fail to keep that happiness, because they are not subconsciously secure with true friends. Anger is different too. It goes in cycles, just as bullying. These days bullying is still there, yes, but are sticking up for each other. Nice people are true friends, Mean people are doomed from the start that is my hypothesis and many other nurses and counselors. It’s also been proven in psychology. Delusion almost proved as fact. Just go to the Psychology Today Website.
It’s almost proven. Just as light reveals darkness, bullies are cowardice.
Forgiveness is overrated and often misunderstood. Please don’t get caught up in forgiving others for their bad behavior and then possibly put yourself in harms way by trying to still be nice to those people. They don’t deserve your company. Trust your gut, distance yourself from the meanies, and move on if you can. Forgivness can be walking away and simply allowing the person to exist alone in their misery. Someone told me once, “Sometimes forgiving someone is just not killing them.” Don’t feel guilty! 🙂
Thanks for the advice, Edward Cullen! 🙂
twilight sucks!
Yep.. This totally makes sense on this article.. 😂😂
Just don’t kill ’em. I love that.
actually you are very wrong about distancing oneself from so called bad behaviour, dont forgive others bad behaviour , so you are one to hold a grudge how does that work for you, that is a bit like calling the pot kettle black is it not. studies have been conducted about actually not punishing peoples bad behaviour instead actually rewarding bad behaviour, WHY iS THIS well when a persons bad behaviour is rewarded not punished the bad person has a self awarness that they are being rewarded not punished and that they themselves question themselves and come to conclusions they were actually wrong themselves , you see rewarding non-nice people has the opposite affect than what you believe is the answer by seeming to punish them, the people you are punishing actually have no ideas you are mad at them because you prefer that people read your mind, which is actually an insane thought. it is obvious you are actually more insane than sane by the belief you have in punishing bad behaviour OR you have not done enough study on the subject to find out the advice you give here to people is actually terrible advice
I won’t be disrespected by anyone for any reason so when a person is mean that’s a sign of disrespect and I walk away from them. I’m not going to reward bad behavior in hope that they will wonder why they’ve received a reward and make the change for the better.
In all the years I’ve worked in behavioral sciences that has never worked and I find i unthinkable that it would.
I agree with you however, your point doesn’t really explain why they are sane. Had you not had suffered from depression first-handily, your conclusion would seem pretty logical. I believe the way she dealt with depression is a bit immature. Being diagnosed with depression is especially disastrous to the mental growth of a under-developed brain. It depends on many factors such as how the Vitim deal with depression to prior experiences with trauma. However, it is difficult to grasp your point since the author have not revealed hypothetical causes of her depression. People don’t go into depression because they were harassed by some rude people. They become depressed due to a lack of security and this could be taken into account of multiple factors. It is difficult to explain someones belief/behaviors unless you have accounted all form of possible views.
Self awareness my @@$$. It’s ego that you’re listening to. Get out of your head and into reality. All Mean people should look deeper at theirselves. We all have problems. Only nice people are smarter and better at dealing with it than you. You just haven’t done ALL your research, Mickson. Mean people get out their anger through bullying and weak behavior and end up dead at a young age, while nice people thrive. Amen! 🖕😎🖕
Your point about staying away from mean people altogether is well-advised…and well taken, to boot. I have a rather mean next-door neighbor who’s the passive-agggressive type, and I steer clear of her whenever I can.
Mean people are everywhere. I don’t live in a city or neighborhood but more in the suburban or country territory. If you feel unwelcomed or uncomfortable don’t go around them.
Hi I agree with you what if you live above mean people and they keep causing other tenants to move out and tried stealing my place
I ignore mean people as if thy don’t exists at all.
I relate to this completely. I think people assume forgiveness and acceptance are the same thing. But you accept how people are but not forgive them. For me, forgiveness implies a certain image that things are good. People only get one chance with me. If that chance is ruined, I won’t actively seek revenge. Karma is a beautiful bitch that let’s me watch. I basically make sure they can’t do it to me again, that I’m safe from harm, and then I cut them out of my life. The issue I’ve had in my own life is that they seem to think I’m playing a game with them. I’m really not. Toxic people don’t really seem to understand that “no” really means “no”. I don’t tolerate this behavior. And I’m not willing to wait or believe they will change. It’s not my responsibility to be their metaphysical punching bag. I think the forgiveness movement is more so grounded in the idea that people shouldn’t ball up the negative emotions. It’s less about pretending you’re into abuse.
I tried to do that and they were just like no i want to stay friends it’s a toxic friendship and i hate it and than after that i was like don’t go gossiping about me and she did it anyway even though she said she wouldn’t
Lately it seems as if society is on edge. People about to snap…well, some have snapped. Everyone seems isolated and desperate. It is very disconcerting. Not sure my this is. The economy is good, we are not at war, medical advances are amazing, personal freedoms at an all time high.
I suspect that the smart phone has isolated folks to the point of desperation. That is all I can come up with. It seems to be the only major change in our society.
We need to stand up to mean people by ignoring them. If you ignore them and not care, since you have better mortality than they do, they will go away. Just tell them to talk to the hand 🤚 or just ignore them all together. Thank you for this blog. We need not worry about mean people.🤗
You can stay away from some people altogether, and also forgive them. They are not mutually exclusive. And you need not feel guilty for taking action to protect yourself.
Don't feel bad about cutting out negative people from your life. I do the same to protect myself from being bullied, racially attacked or even robbed by so called friends. Also please check that you are not High Functioning Autistic as I have discovered that I am, and that's one of the reasons so many bad people took advantage of me.
This is a very good read. I’ve suffered severe depression for as far back as I can remember. Only recently do I believe I am beginning to find some inner calm and maybe a small measure of balance within myself, and I’ve began changing from a cold and rather mean person to what I believe I should be and that is warm and caring. I’ve spent a lot of time meditating on this change I believe I’ve been experiencing, and my changes of responses and behaviors. And I have to say what is written here closely reflects my thoughts on why myself in the past and others as well exhibit mean and uncaring behaviors, and I realized it all stems back to responses to anxiety and stress. I contemplated how I could change these responses in myself, and even how I may be able to help others in their own responses, and I realized it was all about caring. Actually really caring what happens.
I’m glad you found the article reflected your personal experience. Caring about others, ourselves, and the world is so much a part of being kind. If you don’t care, there’s no reason to be kind. Unfortunately, it’s very hard to learn to care. I’m not an authority on the subject, but if you’ve made that journey, all the power to you to share it with Tiny Buddha and the community.
As soon as I start to be caring people start treating me bad and bullying me. I can’t ballance being kind and setting boundries.
Avery, Your words today were very enlightening and helpful to me! Thank you! Please continue on your chosen path! You are gifted. Thank you for sharing your gift today and thank you, Lori Deschene for recognizing yet another talented and gifted voice! Love and light to both of you. ~ Sarah
Thank you so much! I’m so glad it was helpful.
You’re a very inspiring young woman. Not many have the introspection to understand their emotions. Good on you! And on that neurologist dream: GO FOR IT!
Thank you!! And I will pursue it as far as I can; I’m very passionate about everything cognitive- how we work, think, interact, and grow. Thanks!
I also think it’s important to recognize that anger and anxiety and depression often go hand in hand. When people are feeling low, or “scared,” anger is often a manifestation of this.
I completely agree. Most negative emotions, mental illnesses, and suffering can cause outbreaks of anger or rudeness.
I so much enjoyed this article — very simple yet complex insights — I am 56 and always trying to better understand people and life — I assumed the writer was in their 40’s or 50’s — to my surprise, a very wise young woman is the author — you are very emotionally intelligent and already years ahead in your insights — as Tanya and my Dad always said — “Good on you!” — keep up the excellent work!
Thank you very much! I’m glad it was helpful. No matter what age you are, life is still about learning and growing- I think that’s something we tend to forget.
Yes, Avery, thank you for this article. It is so rich and full of wonderful insights. I researched on this topic because of my younger sister’s rudeness early in the morning. I thought, maybe I woke up to the wrong side of my bed. She was so angry. But I thank God I managed to apologize and never reacted negatively. Keep posting beautiful articles. <3 <3 <3
these blogs helps allot.
thank you
Of course! Thank you
One day, in supermarket, I saw a boy who kept poking the water melons that have been cut on the freezer with his hand. Not only one but he had ruined 2 water melons. So I told him nicely to not do it.His father came and asked “what happened?” I just said “nothing… he poked the water melons”. His father grabbed his son & said with loud voice: “LET IT BE…HE IS JUST A CHILD” and left.
I was blank for some minutes..Until now I still think what’s my mistake. First..I speak to the child nicely..Second, It’s not like I ask the man to be responsible by buying the ruined water melon.
Some people are just not nice naturally..
Possibly the father thought you were chastising the child for nothing and getting in business that wasn’t yours. I don’t think you were wrong, and I think the man should have reacted differently, but it may have been a misunderstanding. Or he was having a bad day. I think in situations like these there is usually an alternate explanation that inherent meanness- but that is, of course, and opinion.
Nah..I thought about it too..maybe I got in business that wasn’t mine. After that one experience, somehow I have fear & refrain my self to ‘help’ strangers especially middle aged man when I see something that ideally should be corrected. Example, one day..when I was walking..I saw a middle aged man whose backpack was opened(well..I live in country where there are so many pocket robbers) I kept told my self that someone else would tell him. Some people passed by him and clearly saw his opened bag but no one told him.
people are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ridiculous about their kids they act like EVERYONE should tolerate the brat!!! I was on a west coast flight to the east coast some kid kept kicking my seat I finally turned and said something the idiot mom was like hes Is just a kid I said SO WHAT and I BOUGHT my plane ticket and that KID is not going to kick the back of my seat for 8 hrs I don’t GIVE A shyte if its a KID no difference ITS a human and better be TAUGHT how to behave.. U get NO pass from ME for bad behavior at 5 yrs old or 86 yrs old… NOPE act RIGHT!! u are NOT special or authorized to be jerks due to young age or older age.. NOPE!!
Yeah i know, some parents are just stupid when it comes to their kids.. My cousin’s kid kept running around inside my house and i told my cousin’s kid nicely “please don’t run in the house” and my cousin got pissed off! It is my house and I don’t want her little spoiled brat running in the house and possibly breaking something.
May I write my own personal experience?
Hi
I’m 15 years old and fucked up
Allow me to explain
I grew up wanting to be a strong person, not physically but mentally.
People leaving my life wouldn’t affect me and I’d keep living like nothing happened because getting depressed over something so stupid was ridiculous; but I was the complete opposide of that. I longed for friends and companios so I wouldn’t feel alone.
Family problems have hunted me since I was born so I wanted to overcome the negative effects those problems gave me. What did I do? After my very first heart break, my own growing problems, family issues and me moving with my mom my mind started to change. I remembered that strong independent girl I wanted to be so I tried to be her.
I froze my own heart, the only way to protect myself.
Something I’m not sure how happened is that I tend to forget feelings (yes that IS possible) I have to be constantly reminded of a feeling otherwise I’ll just forget it and the people who made me have them because, somehow, those feelings hurt me.
I have fallen in love but I was so hurt that I feel like I’ve never loved anyone.
I swear there are times when I don’t feel anything. it’s like I have no heart.
I started to say to others what I really thought about them bluntly. I’ve always admired honesty so I became an “honest” person myself.
I realized I didn’t really need people.
“Friends are temporary in your life, you will always be alone, why caring about others when you will end by yourself?”
Crying over friends? Stupid.
Ridiculous
Dumb
Laughable
I closed my heart completely, to the point I don’t hear my own heart beat when I used to do it
I became a stone girl
Since I was little I always heard this small weak voice in the back of my head which became stronger over the years. I felt like that voice was another person inside of MY own brain. I never knew which one of those was the real me, I still don’t.
I’ll write an example of what happened trough this last six months:
One of my closest friends left the school where we were studying because she was moving somewhere different in the city.
I stopped writing her
Not because I woke up thinking I wouldn’t write her
I didn’t even think about her
And when I did I would get distracted with other stuff forgetting again that friend even existed
When she told me how she felt about me being like that I tried to change because I understood what was bothering her.
Two things happened: first of all I couldn’t see the point in telling her my daily activities (which was what she wanted) so I found it extremely bothersome to find the useful thing about that so I just tried to talk to her normally about k-pop, korean dramas etc etc without getting too personal.
Second that voice in my head made me realize something.
I was always trying to understand her but who tried to understand me? Who tried to figure my heart out? No one. Everything I’d say or do was wrong in her eyes, and I got tired of that.
In the end she got tired of my attitude and asked me to never talk to her again
And I’m terribly okay with it.
One of the things that made her loose her patience was that I don’t like to go out so I would never go to any meeting (after all asking for permission is super annoying and I wouldn’t like my super paranoical mother to spend the whole day thinking her daughter might get raped and stabbed)
There are guys who have confessed to me and I tread them like shit, why? Becuase that way they’d stop having feelings for me.
I don’t want people to get too close because otherwise I’ll hurt them and break them so they must stay distant.
Thats how it works.
So now I’m ok being alone. I like to stay in my room alone, I like to walk alone. Because I know I will never be able to have any kind of relationship.
But then there are days when my head feels like exploding, when I want to cry but the tears won’t fall, when I want the hug the only friend I have left (who already told me some days ago she was reaching her limit, that moment was extremely odd for me because i actually felt like I didn’t want to lose her. I felt a bit guilty and completely stupid. But then I thought: but if she knows how I am T’was her own decision to stay so if she’s hurt it isn’t my fault), when I don’t share my comments because those will hurt someone, when I actually get shy. When someone completely different takes my body.
The wish of my life is finding myself, my likes and to be free.
For me freedom is life.
Do you have any advice for me? There are a lot of stuff I didn’t say but thats mainly what I wanted to share
Any opinions are allowed
Thank you very much
I cannot offer advice but to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings. (I know you’ve probably heard that a lot) I seem to be very much like you, though I am 31. I don’t like people much, though I am very nice to others and people tend to think I’m such a nice caring person. I like to be alone, I don’t like hanging out with friends or going to any type of social function. I like to “hang out” with my husband and that I about it. I’m still surprised the universe brought together two kindred spirits like us, my husband and I. He is just the same, though less introverted and socially awkward than I am. I have a couple of close friends that also want to be around me (I have no idea why lol) and want to talk about random daily activities and I just don’t see the point in useless babble. I too feel like a lot of people just don’t understand me (except for maybe my husband) but I’ve come to realize that this is ok. I don’t know if you know anything about Vampire Masquerade, the role playing game, but as the Malkavians say…”embrace the madness.” I try to be ok with how I am because, for me, it’s not going to change. I hope you too can find a person that loves and accepts you as you are no matter how “damaged” you may feel.
I have found a lot of help with my social issues and anxiety through this tiny buddha website though so I’m glad you find this site too. I think a lot of “finding yourself” comes with age also. I know at your age and even in my 20s I didn’t know a lot about myself or what I really wanted/needed/liked. Even now I’m learning new things about myself all the time. I try not to be closed minded about things and that has opened a lot of doors. I started reading manga and watching anime (Black Butler, Tokyo Ghoul, Vampire Knight..those kinds) and those have opened doors to myself that I didn’t know were closed. I now am learning Japanese and it’s amazing what a little unexpected manga or show can do for you! Just try to keep positive and don’t hate on yourself. 🙂
Sorry for the long narrative.
I like that too love this post. I will check out manga
I know exactly how you feel and I know someone who feels the same you do.
The story of my life and I am older than you.
Your age is a very difficult one. An age of searching for answers yet too young to totally understand them. Its ok to allow yourself to feel, that is what separates us from other species. Saying you froze your heart is a little dramatic but being l5 everything seems more dramatic then it really is. You will understand that statement when you get older. Go on dating your boyfriend and someday you will find that perfect someone, hopefully, and you will know what falling in love really is.
This is just like me. You’re like my twin heart. I can feel you, as I experience the same. also the last sentence, freedom is life. and also the second voice. Yes! so like me..
The hardest thing for us to do is to trust. It’s okay, trusting takes time. And you can start by trusting yourself, I do this by opening up about myself. That night alone on the bed I talk to myself about things I deny the presence, like embarrassing stuff. I talked it, about my problem, about me. that way I started to acknowledge my presence a little bit, because I believe that trusting takes time, and I too want to learn to trust.
And about your friend, I too subconsciously judged with impatience: that he/she know nothing about us. A week ago after a best friend talk one of his problem, and I just listen to him. And our conversation leads us to me to tell him: “You know nothing at all about other people, even you have friends for such a long time.”, then I ask, “..What did you know about me?”. He told me, “Haha! You’re really crazy hanging out with me (and yes I do because comfortable of being myself). When you care a person, you care too deeply. “, and every sentence that he end makes me cry. I was so happy, I don’t know that someone knows the thing that I myself didn’t realize about. And moreover, he knows about me. He continues, “..and when you’re around someone you’re not close with, you tend to shy and keep quiet.”, and after my tears blurts out more and more, he told me, “You know.. It’s better to have a person to trust and share your story with. I’m much relieved, and it’s all thanks to you, I realized this since the day we talked our secret at the doughnut store that day.”, and he continued, “It’s better to have a person to trust, so that even though every one goes against you, you don’t really care about them much, because that person is still by your back.”
And you know.. at other than this best friend, I still too have that “tread other like shit so that they’d stop having feelings for me.” I’m still on my way to trust. 🙂
And here’s a tiny tips: That boring little conversation, and listening, is what keeps our relationship. I just be being myself, and he is too. anyway I’m 19.
Be happy, Be mindful and Be grateful.
Sounds like you have BPD,, I have that too.. from abuse and neglect.. I have similar stories and experiences to you and have no family because of it.. There is treatment for it but you have to start with a psychiatrist. I did… it helped me. You are a beautiful person and feel (at times) worthless and not loveable… its just like me,. Sensitive people are often victims of people who are mean. (bullies) and even though they don’t intend to be rude and nasty it comes across that way to us. DBT and CBT therapy can and will help. What we tell our selves becomes real.. don’t tell your self you are un- lovable ….YOU ARE… we all are. I hope you can reach out and “learn to live” with out being sad. Take good care.
This is exactly the way I am
Beautiful post , this couldn’t have come at a better time, for a while I have just been feeling miserable about life, very angry at everyone for no reason really, just in a huge depressing state, I finally got myself to look in the mirror and self-reflect, boy was I bashing myself, I have been telling myself all types of hurtful things about myself and the funny thing is they weren’t even true , I was very angry with myself, very displeased with myself , thank you for this post.
I’m so glad it could help you get through a rough point. That’s exactly how I felt- I was criticizing myself for made up faults and beliefs. Thank you!
I think lots of people need to read posts like this. Those on the receiving end of nasty and the rude people. I am one of the most tolerable people I know, but I am intolerable of is people coming into your space, wanting your time and not having pure motives. Their intention is pre-motivated lies. And they are choosing this self presentation before their approach. It is like a person knocking at your door pretending to be collecting money for Salvation Army, yet they are there to stack out your residence. This is where I lack tolerance at the moment. And I have asked do I need to change this and I the answer is No. And the reason I write about this because I like you do wonder whether it could be depression. And I have answered no to this question as well. Just thought I’d share because sometimes you cant be affected by others peoples motives but you don’t even have to question why they are doing it because it does not matter, it is not your issue. Sometimes you have to block negative energy, not because you are afraid or need approval but because plain and simply bad energy can drain you.
Yes my friend is like this I’ve gone to great lengths to stop her saying those things ive had words with her in private many times and she just ignores me she does and says things that are mean and uncalled for she comes across very very rude and disrespectful to people family friends and strangers. I completely ignore her commets now it goes in one ear out the next
I do love your article and I agree with most of it. However I do not believe that all people are inherently good. I think there are a small percentage of people who suffer from malignant narcissism or psychopathy who enjoy hurting and embarrassing people. These people you need to recognise and stay away from.
I honestly am at a loss for words… I am having the hardest day coping with these exact issues, and a war inside myself to keep being the kind me, or to be mean to protect myself from further hurt. Then this article just was there in front of me. Thank you for this.
Thank you for sharing this post, Avery. I do agree that everyone has their moments, but at the same time, their rude and disrespectful behavior can’t be justified. Instead of lashing out animosity at those who are trying to help, it’s important to show some compassion. Allow your actions to speak for itself. There’s nothing with trying to ask for help.
When I’m helping someone, I want to know their motives are behind their actions, by giving them the benefit of a doubt. What are their intentions? Are they willing to accept full responsibility for their actions, by admitting that they were wrong? If they’re thinking otherwise, I’m washing my hands.
I believe that people should treat those on how they want to be treated. Respect is a two-way street.
I was attacked verbally by a very rude person on line. It hurt me, and at the same time I was going thru a health scare. I am a cancer survivor. I stood up to the rude person, and calmly replied that her words were rude, offensive and vulgar. I felt better once I had stood up to the rude poster.Unlike, her I responded in a well mannered way, but I made my point known. Then I felt better. Maybe she has self esteem issues or something else, but as a cancer patient and cancer survivor, I have never seen the need to try to hurt someone else badly with vile words. I do not want to be surrounded by mean-spirited people. I move on to good friends and family.
intertesting lauren however words have never actually hurt people, people have indeed hurt themselves because they have not been educated to handle words , however you start doing the best you can to make some sort of PC world were people are not allowed to express themselves then the outcome to that making people shut up because you believe thatsthe just thing to do a lot of people will go and hurt others physically, so nope i really dont care about people like you playing the victim because you can not handle words, you more than likely deserve the treatment, and what did you say to them first , you see a lot of people only tell half truths , victims who play the victim only tell the poor me story painting themselves in a good light, and obviously this person you refer to had no idea you had cancer because people are not MIND READERS. so please enough of the half truth fairytales
PS It wasn’t on this site. This site is very well monitored. Just wanted to clarify this.
Thank you very much for the article, Avery. Very enlightening, especially as I was wondering if I am good or bad or if something’s wrong with me as I used to find everyone rude to me. I suffer from mild depression. The same symptoms, in fact, the very same symptoms you described. So, I felt empathised with while reading it. An unexpectedly great support in itself, having never had any friends and anyone to understand me.
This was a great article and just what I needed. Thank you.
This post has really helped. Having been reduced to tears by staff at the local council office, I was beginning to think there must be something about me that attracts unkindness. Now I realise the person who was cruel and sarcastic was probably having a bad day. I will make sure I deal with a nicer person next time I visit.
Being kind to rude people is fucking stupid.
Nice article, but please do away with the “can’t control others” narrative. It is in fact possible to control other people; abusers do it all the time. Obviously, though, abusing others is a bad idea. A better spin on the advice would be to say something like “it’s better to focus on yourself instead of others”. That way, the reader approaches the problem with a greater sense of empowerment.
This actually isn’t true. You believe that and why you believe that is because you’re at a disadvantage. Abusers have learned skills and techniques to do what they do. If you were or are in a situation where you believe you are controlled against your will, the reason why you feel that way is because you don’t know the counter moves. In my personal experience, the reason why someone adopts this belief is in protest of the other person’s behavior that amounts to a temper tantrum to compel to them to comply with what you want. That doesn’t work.
Here is what does work: you need to become more independent and strong. If you have a problem with co-dependency (look that up) you need to resolve that. Because in being a co-dependent you are essentially advertising that you want someone to control your life because you don’t feel comfortable making your own decisions and want someone to make them for you.
Now, you might find this critical of me to say this to you but I’ve been on this journey and I can tell you that if you embrace what I am saying and acknowledge these things, you will go on a personal growth journey and I’m willing to bet you might like the results!
Think of it like this, if an untrained fighter goes up against a Black Belt, what happens? They get whooped. The Black Belt feels confident they can handle you. When you become as knowledgeable as a Black Belt (and I’m not saying abuse people or learn to control them) you are on a level playing field and you can counter your opponent’s moves.
One thing I’ve noticed is that when you get to this point, the up to no good adversarial opponent tends to lose interest in you because they don’t really like challenges, they like easy targets.
I would think that title mean – the mean people try to control others by being mean and nasty I know my mom thinks being mean nasty and yelling at EVERYONE will make them DO what SHE wants them to do aka CONTROL… So the the result is people that TRY to CONTROL… its TRUE… Non controlling people are not mean nasty difficult or worried about how people LIVE THEIR LIVES. my mom is SUPER controlling now calls me mean because when I turned 50yrs old I said I am NO longer doing what makes HER happy more than it would make ME happy.. WHICH means she can NO longer control anything about me – and she hates that so NOW she tells my sister I am MEAN to her.. STUPID and sad… BUT at 86 she wont get nicer she just likes to have MORE than people more money to control people she can do that w my sister but I make plenty of money so THAT bothers HER.. I can call my OWN shots AND afford them she does NOT LIKE THAT… she even got upset that I bought a 400$ designer pocket book ONLY because SHE wants to be the ONLY one VERY sad!! so she gets IGNORED NOW… cause I am not gonna visit w her then be MISERABLE for several days after.. I saw her yesterday lol reason I have so much to say today… unfortunately… but ITS all about HER control if she COULD control ME she’d be VERY happy now – but she CAN NOT and she HATES THAT… and I DO NOT CARE
I wish my miserable, rude, crazy excoworkers could read this.
But sometimes it is not someone that is reacting to a bad situation. Sometimes it is a personal attack. When one person clearly wants the other to feel bad. Granted their need for this lies in their own insecurities, but how to deal with someone who actually says things only to hurt you, that is what I need help with. Especially this time of year because it is Christmas and I will have to deal with them. No matter what I say it will make her worse, ignoring has not helped. In this case the comments are meant to say you are a failure and I am a success. Not about career, about being a parent. I am in pain everyday that my son is an addict. I do not need to be reminded by someone who does not love me and want to offer prayers or love to me, but only wants to prove they have succeeded where I have failed. To make it worse, I do not divulge to my mother who has Alzheimer’s that her grandson is an addict because she does not need to add to her depression. Yet this relative is so hateful that she does not even think of the pain it causes me or my mother. I am trying to deal with this in a way that I don’t start a war and I am protected. Anytime I have ever tried to stand up for myself it has always ended in a scene and worse.
Hitler was mean to cope. He also had a soft side to him as well. Call it for what it is, people have become more arrogant ,more superficial and ungratefully bitter.Blame free speech doesn’t allow for growth. Tell a drug addict it’s the drug not him or her; will they rearrange themselves or find a new drug dealer. This is what the preachers do in the church and has everyone looking around to see who he or she could be referring to. If you want to coddle and condone rude behavior, you might as well throw America away just like Rome etc…..
Godwin’s Law confirmed.
I had some friends. I try to be kind and nice to everyone I know. But its hard to do so. There is a girl whom not so fond by other people but she always talk to me. My friends always say bad things about her and me. When I defend myself another friend simply hurt me with his ride word saying me was acting nice and I’m fake good guy. It hurt me because I sincerely being nice to everyone but somebow this act of kindness is treat as fake in their eyes. Although I know forgiving and walk away is the best solution. However the feelings of sadness still stick around me. I’m just really disappointed with them whom I treat them sincerely.
people out there are crazy- rude uncouth worthless people out there. People are rude to me everywhere b/c im a pretty woman too. They hate me with a passion. im not really sure if it’s juts jealousy over my looks or my happiness but i’d say more over it all. They see im happy inside and they hate me. Most people I know are so mean or rude being alone is so much easier. Any male that comes into my life treats me in the most disrespectful way possible. It’s almost as if if you’re a positive person people will be as nasty as they can to you.
there are so many really messed up people out there. No one should forgive or take any kind of abuse or rudeness. ive learned that even when i stand up to the rude person they don’t care. it’s as if they have no soul, no feelings. They just don’t care. these cold soulless robots are everywhere. This is how this world is today. It’s better to avoid these freaks and stick to yourself if u have to u might be the only decent person u know.
i also have to disagree b/c so many people are nice to others then just flat out mean to me. Its a choice- they choose to abuse u.
Absolutely. How others treat us often has nothing to do with us at all.
Damned wise for someone so young. I loved this article because I used to have a complex about rude, mean folk, but now I understand, it wasn’t about me. Lovely, Avery, lovely.
A well written article and an interesting perspective. Thank you.
However, for some of us this aggression and anger is quite consistent. I went out last week to do some shopping and I would say that 80% of the people I dealt with were rude. One man even tried to start a fight with me when I asked him why he stepped on one of my bags. Which ruined a product I had just purchased and cost me $80.
If what you’re saying is true in regard to society as a whole, then I’m putting 80% of the population – at least in my vicinity – as self-haters. That is quite a dangerous ratio. Especially considering I did nothing consciously to set these people off, nor did I say anything remotely rude to them. In fact, I was rather polite.
When a person such as myself experiences rudeness on a grand scale it becomes very difficult not to take it personally because almost everyone does it. Which keeps me inside more and less apt to deal with others out of personal safety preservation.
The moral of the story – society is a complete mess and I don’t see it changing any time soon. I wish people would just grow the hell up and accept who they are. We’ve ALL had it rough in life. Life is rough, period. The stranger whose brand new product you just destroyed has never done anything to you. Grow up.
I’ve always hated that people used having a bad upbringing as an excuse. I know people how have had the most horrible upbringing imaginable, And yet they are the most loving and caring people.
Yes, I feel your irritation at people who blame their childhood. It’s true that in the end, each adult has to take responsibility. And I also know someone who had the exact same adverse environment as his DELINQUENT older 2 siblings. He did rise out and become the one who owned a profitable business. BUT In mt case, I also have some comPASSION for the older two who did not learn that your environment does not have to define you.
I guess that’s why my mom is so mean and nasty and bitter she feels like her dad was neglectful and not married to her mom – so even tho mom is now 86yrs old she is mean and nasty I hate being around her MOST times once in a while she is fun and pleasant but that is RARE.. and its SAD my dad not sure HOW he deals with her – but he has for 58 yrs.. SHE was a GREAT mom when I was a child very doting mom. THEN I made money, bought my own condo, and have had great careers, and a great boyfriend and all along I have been SUPER happy and independent and that seems to bother my mom – I never wanted kids – and have been VERY HAPPY with that decision.. My sister had them and is divorced and miserable… I don’t like being around her either she does NOT like that my life is good and HAPPY only my dad does cause he ALSO is very happy and was also independent… SO my mom I have heard say she will CUT them first – verbally- and watch them bleed I was like WOW not very nice… She has been called a snake and satan… She says anything she likes to people like OH wow look how FAT u are and will laugh and the person about to cry she doesn’t care.. She made fun of an accident I had where I lost teeth she joked about that I was like WOW what kind of mother are u as upsetting as an accident THAT was u gonna make JOKES cause I am reminding u of how mean NASTY u are and were as I grew up>… we even thought she had munchousers syndrome she LOVES it when u are ILL then she can care for u – if u are happy and well she is MISERABLE.
A lot of people focus that life is not easy. Well, I focus this way: Life becomes easiER when we consciously cultivate an “Attitude of Gratitude”.
For 5 min. in the morning, I articulate 3 to 5 things for which I am grateful for right now. And for 5 minutes, before bed, I like-wise write down my gratitudes.
Chicken Soup’s author
Jack Canfield and also Brian Tracy have (separately) indicated that this one practice will start to reap real benefits. And with respect to my own experience, my relationships do work out better.
As a matter of fact, my general life is better beyond compare to the amount of effort I have invested in this practice. My enjoyment of my relationships now versus in my youngest adulthood is no comparison at all. I am ATTRACTing more good all around.
I am also doing it with consistency !
And thanks to the brave Avery Roberts who initiated this. Your willingness to share has provided a platform for wide discussion. Furthermore, your essentially, “how to manage yourself when dealing with outside attacks” is simply a topic of supreme interest.
That’s not true at all smh how people treat other people CAN be a correlation to how they feel about themselves, OR many people have the sense to treat people well even when they feel terrible. And it’s no disorder that makes people think suicide will be beneficial. How can you even say that when you have no idea if it even is or isn’t beneficial, since they may be trading in life for something better!? You don’t know. It’s completely logical a lot of the time to think that way. What a moronic writer. How do you like that treatment? Fair treatment. Your article was as stupid as can be
You’re the kind of person she is talking about
Thank you for this great piece. I landed here after losing my temper on a stranger and insulting him. The trigger was his rudeness towards me. My reaction was far more insulting and completely uncalled for. Which led to him becoming very aggressive very fast. And this was in front of a small crowd. My reaction made them all take his side. I literally got myself into a dangerous situation. After apologising and leaving the place, I regretted my actions and went back to him, and apologized deeply. He calmed down and accepted my apology.
However, I feel really bad about it all. Normally, I’m a very considerate and polite person, but rudeness triggers a dangerous side of me. Reading your article somehow made me feel better. Thank you. Now I’ll consciously keep a check on my temper.
I can relate! Rudeness really upsets me too. Now that I have a child I want to set a good example for him. My husband is able to keep his cool but I always been short tempered. Not anymore. Like you said, you could get into some dangerous situations but that aside, the negative energy is making things worse. I want to contribute to the solutions in life. To encourage goodwill rather than hate and anger.
My mom says that I like to think negative. It’s like I am the only one dealing with rude people and so are my family members. I hate people so much. I hate being hated as much as I hate people who hate me. Beautiful women are bitches and so are those ugly on the outside. I want to murder as many people as possible. I cannot date and I hate men and women and children. Mom wanted me to just ignore bullies. I strictly hate that advice and she is a bitch and a bully. Also my “friends” an teachers would tell me to be to nice. I hate them and I am a goddamn crybaby. The teachers would forcefeed me and never hate what I hate. I hate teachers and being last all the time. I wanna kill them all.
Hello Avery. I hope you are doing great. Well, let me say congrats to your parents for having a girl like you. Something happened to me 4 days ago still I think about it and I really don’t know if I did a right move. Here what happened: 4 days ago in the morning decided to take my German shepherd to a dog park close to my home, when we were close to the park I saw a lady with her dog was coming through the park to us. Her dog was on leash but, since the leash was so lose so I made my dog sit and wait for them to pass the street. When they got close, her dog attacked to my dog and I got involved and felt down on the ground! I was so concerned about my dog and I started to check him if he got injured and I looked at the lady and said, mam when you know your dog is crazy why you are doing that? You know what did she say? What the ( F word) you are talking about? Yes, that was exactly she said to me instead of saying sorry. I was shocked for like 10 seconds and and while I was quit and looking at her she called me an idiot!!!! I said, the way she is taking exactly says about the type of her family she comes from and I told her since she is not at my level I have nothing to say and I walked away. Since 4 days ago I have
a war inside and sometimes I think it would be better if I responded her the way she had but, that was not me.
Seems to be your personal experience. I am not trying to bother you though obviously in the article there was no heavy explanation on exactly why people are rude… I did read it. I’ve had personal experiences similar to what was explained in the article. Personally I feel like people reacting to you when you feel possibly overburdened stressed and they seem to have no clue how difficult your life is to handle. Like dealing with being a whole individual that accepts many and all… people Want that. They may not appreciate Or understand it. It is Always worthless trying to convince anyone, especially One individual of your worth.
The majority of mean people think its everyone else not them and all the talking you can do to them will never make them believe otherwise. When you have tried and tried to help someone with no avail its time to walk away before their toxic behavior trickles down to you
This is very true! My In laws are toxic. They are all very unhappy. I have tried to be polite and nice but it is always met with snarky looks and rude comments. I don’t go out of my way for them. I only see them at scheduled events. I have a friend who blames everyone else for her misery. Some people don’t want to change. There is nothing you can do except do not indulge them and protect yourself.
Jeez – it’s like a mirror this post. Sigh. But thanks for laying it out. It’s difficult – all of it. Will try to make a concious effort to not react to situations which cause anger. It’s not easy. People are rude and u end up responding with the same. Or they don’t meet ur expectations in some way. Good post
Wise wise words, Avery!
Here is some insight it is probably not 100% accurate, but at least it is for the most part.
Generally speaking people are attracted it to their likes. If you have more than what they have they might talk about you or hate on you “and more than they have is not Necessarily material positions but also, intellectual and spiritual essence” Have less than what they have and might pick on you or bully you. The problem is rooted in the human ego because we all try to make ourselves feel better and most often we do it the wrong way…by taking instead of giving , hating instead of loving, fearing instead of understanding and isolation instead of sharing. I tell my self” learn to love even if you face all these things” learn to standup for righteousness..and learn to walk away from people or situations which are not worth it” every thing in life comes and goes and the only thing will be left is the memory of your soul. Cheers.
how about the person acting like an ASS keep away from everyone.. one day they will get punched in the face ..that’s my way of coping too
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What a wise beyond your years young lady you are.Your article was very resourceful and quite remarkable for your age.I was looking for some help with my relationship and was happy to find your article so cut and dry and strait to the point.I just wanted to say remarkable job for a beautiful and knowledgeable young lady as yourself
Juanita Perez 41
I’m rude to people for no reason. They talk politely with me in the beginning and then when they see my nagative, rude and insulting behavior. They began to leave me all isolated (except my best friend). The reason i am rude is because i hate myself and thinks that nobody gonna love me because if I can’t love myself then who would be?
Most nice people have a problem with making people feel as uncomfortable as they make them feel. The day you do make rude people feel uncomfortable isn’t called “stooping to their level”, it is called “SELF RESPECT”. I recommend everyone have respect for themselves and not let rude people walk all over them, because if you let them, they will.
A M E N, Katy !
katy, your post is so great, that i had to write it down. SELF-RESPECT is the key word.
I live with my boyfriend whom I have 2 kids with. I’m not happy, actually very depressed right now. I’m stuck. Stay at home mom to 2 small children. He’s been terrible our entire relationship. I know I’ll never be happy with him. I’m constantly told I’m mean for telling him he’s being an asshole. He’s always telling me how I’m a terrible person, I’m miserable, I’m negative. That’s not me, I know that. But I can’t help to retaliate anymore. I treat him the way he treats me. But not near as bad. He’s 1 of the rudest, unkind, uncompassionate, unhelpful, judgemental people I know. Is it wrong for me to be that way towards him? He doesn’t help my depression at all. Doesn’t even try. Only ever makes me feel worse. I don’t ever really feel bad about the way I am towards him. I do justify it as it took years of verbal abuse and unkindness for me to be this way. He’s known how I’ve been feeling since before we conceived our first. I’m a very open and honest person. I can’t lie or pretend. He’s done nothing to try to fix things. And I’m fairly certain he’s never going to be any different. He just told me lastnight that he was nice for a little while (maybe a couple weeks) and he didn’t get anything so he’s done trying to be nice. But what he thinks is being nice is not at all what I consider being nice.
Tara, you just described my life. I am in the same situation. You are definitely not alone. I cope with a lot of prayer, fasting, and meditation. My knees hurt from the constant prayers. My eyes are tired of crying, so, I don’t-I’ve toughened up a lot. Verbal, mental and emotional abuse can do that. Depression on top of it can really do me in but I keep trying my best to move forward. 12 years now. Not sure how much longer I’ll last but I sure am giving it my all. With my 2 young kids, it can be tough. Just gotta hang in there. I know I’m strong enough to handle it but I’m getting to the point where I don’t know if I want to handle it. I want to choose me, and to be happy. I’ve exhausted so much time and energy into a negative relationship that’s turned sour to bitter to purely fermented that you could get drunk on it🤣. Still trying though. I always try to see the positive.
How are you today?
Hi Tara. How are things with him now? How are you?
Thanks first of all for writing the post, it helps to think other people are going through similar obstacles in life. I know that this post is a little old now.
A little over a year ago I started a cleaning job for an aged care facility for people who had been homeless, close to being homeless, drug dependancy issues, alcoholism. These people had a whole lot to deal with mentally. And whenever they were rude it wasn’t nice but I could let it go easily because of their circumstances.
However I recently around 7 months ago got another job as a wait staff member, and let me tell you, the customers have completely changed my view on people. And has brought me to this article. The customers that I have waited on have been the most appalling, rude and all round mean people. The way that my co-workers and I have been treated has been absolutely disgusting, I can understand if someone is frustrated that something hasn’t gone their way, i.e food is longer than they expected, they didn’t get what they thought they ordered ect, ect; However that being said there’s a large amount of customers that will intentionally act maliciously towards my co-workers and my self, And I can’t excuse or forgive the behaviour that they have offered. I really want to, don’t get me wrong, It would make my life so much easier to let go of rude and selfish behaviour.
And recently I have found my self so resentful towards others, and I’m finding my self so frustrated with how little people care about others. And at this point its like banging my head against the wall because the only thing I have power to change, is my self and my views, which has become such a challenging task when I can’t see the good in people anymore. At this point all I can hope for is a different job with kind hearted people.
For my piece of mind I have a very few relatives I bother with anymore. THey would constantly try to drag me into their drama, which they seemed to live for. The drama and constant lies I couldnt deal with anymore so the best thing to do with anyone like that is set yourself free from it and no longer have contact. If you are thinking about someone and that person is thinking about themselves then who is thinking about you?
Exactly.
RIGHT and my mom and sister BOTH like this mean rude nasty – my sister has her phone in her hand 98% of the time yet if I text, email, or call her NEVER a reply if I get one its days later. When I was single for a SHORT time THEN she called daily texted and responded to my texts ASAP.. My mom Is just nasty always wants to make fun or laugh at something – she hates the fact that I make good money, own my condo, have a great job, and a great fiancée THEY hate these things.. SO mom gives the silent treatment which is FINE God sees that.. My sister I RARELY talk to lol its funny I am always like remind me WHY fam is SOOOOOOOOO important… MY FATHER is the GREATEST out of my family.. HE and I are similar and THE HAPPIEST out of the family… my mom and sister negative mean women – and narcissits that’s the PROBLEM and unhappy lives.. THEY are both VERY interested in EVERYONE thinking they are the greatest people since ice cream and that NEVER happens but they NEED accolades and are VERY difficult to deal with so I DONT I have a MUCH better week NOT hearing from EITHER of them.. its GREAT.. and I will call my dad during the day to chat him up hes funny, happy, and GREAT!!!!
It is just as stupid to fight rudeness with kindness as it is to fight rudeness with even more rudeness. The best way is to stay the hell away from these people and only be civil when necessary.
I totally agree, I don’t 100% agree with the write up of the article because some people are intentionally RUDE because they want to make a person or people uncomfortable or to feel unimportant.
So true… I have tried to be kind to rude people.. they see you as weak and pathetic.. I feel its not worth the trouble..no wonder so many are lonely.
I’am kind to others, but some found out about my depression and past addiction to pain killers + the loss of my daughter. Now they judge me and then some.
I’m clean and getting better everyday, but I can pick up on the push and gossip. Really sucks when this happens, its like they’re in control of judgement without look at themselves.
No one has the right to judge any1, ESP since everyone fyxup time and time and time again; in fact, those hypocrits are fyknup treating up as they are; if God Almighty is no respecter of person’s, and considers all sin equal, bc sin is STILL sin, then who are any of them to judge you or anyone else?! DO NOT allow them to hold you captive in a shroud of shame! What’s? done is done, and hopefully everything will work out. In the meantime,focus on staying clean, improving who you are, so you can be your best you ,and best mama possible for uour kid. Btw, wtfh knows what crap any of those disgusting pigs are doing behind closed doors?! Their words & behaviors are as toxic any pill… maybe even moreso, if one stops a moment to ponder the great shithead epidemic ,and the PROFOUNDLY NEGATIVE EFFECTS THEY CAUSE! Ppl live to feel.superior & somehow more worthy and valuabel than others; THEIR minds are nuclear wastelands!
They confuse kindness with weakness and go after you like a wounded animal. But I keep my mouth shut and keep moving. Responding seems to escalate it. I think most people are totally stressed out, I mean ready to snap. They are behind in everything and their life and home are in a tatters. Papers everywhere, late on the bills, scrambling to tread water.
I think they upped in traffic not cause they are late, but to make up time.
I read Getting Things Done by David Allen and it really has helped. Its the new cult time management.
So a stranger swearing at me because they have to wait for me to turn right into my driveway is ‘cos they’re depressed?! Nah. Mental health isn’t an excuse to be horrible to people. There is a difference between irritable and mean/unkind. I get irritable, doesn’t mean I’m gonna swear at strangers.
And even though it IS probably depression for my mom and sister and a woman I work with – NOT my fault u are STILL mean nasty bitter and contrary — that’s YOUR PROBLM deal with it – u see people DONT LIKE to be around u there is a REASON… your NASTY disposition… when I have terrible exchanges w people I will NOT go back around them… I blocked a friend today that for over a MONTH ignored my calls and texts and she had a brain tumor so I was concerned and I talk to her finally today nothing was wrong she was just being a drunk and wrapped up in her life so I told her good I will NEVER be concerned EVER again about her whatever happens AND I blocked her cause she was basically like SO WHAT I ignored u so OK then – BLOCKED maybe I will talk to u again I MONTHS from now – no time SOON self absorbed B… And if she gets sick again her drunk ghetto friends can help her — I’m GOOD cause that was SUPER rude… Speaks VOLUMES of your character AND how u think I should be treated – ALL DONE…
You sound hurt by your old friend….but also incredibly angry. Probably a good reason why you experienced that…maybe, to reveal the “B” in you too. Oh, the irony. You’ll be fine, trust me.
Irritable and Mean are two different things. Irritable people get angry while Mean/evil people are like that because of a mental illness ie. Narcissists, antisocial, etc. i can get irritable too
Almost all the mean people (not that they are occasionally irritable) see need some kind of help, and if they stick around long enough I might refer them to a psychologist! It’s the mean ones that are sick, not the bad day or grouchy or problems people. Even though if someone is too grumpy I try too not get to close to them.
Some people are irritable, i recommend ‘anger management’ for that, 😊 it helps.