You are welcome, Blazkowich!

“She dropped me“- If she dropped you, it means that she carried you, and then she dropped you, and you fell.

“I could never think of dropping her“- meaning you carried her, and you wouldn’t think of dropping the person you were carrying.

How did she carry you? How did you carry her?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“Both of my parents were CCP’s, not sure who was worse but probably pretty equal. Then I upgraded to living with only F, saw my mom’s errors, removed her from the pedestal. Then I had only one CCP, compared to two. Then I upgraded to N, a CCP, but lesser of one than F. So I am swimming in the right direction. Hopefully all this ’emotional predation’ is making me stronger and not wearing me down..,  what do you think?… This theory evolved as I wrote it, interesting what I came up with though and I am curious what you think”-

– My crown chakra loves it when you ask what I think (crown chakra vibrating emoji). Well, (1) I think that as an adult, you are way less affected/ harmed by (most) emotional predators than you are as a child growing up with an emotional predator. If you had a child with N, your child may feel upgraded as an adult with her own romantic partner, (2) You are swimming in the right direction, removing people from pedestals right and left (“kicking a** in the morning and taking names in the evening”, from one of my favorite all-times songs), and getting stronger!

“You quoted: Emotional predators. com… As I was first reading this, ‘they…make emotional displays to influence…charm, disarm… others,’ I thought of myself. I feel I behaved this way with F at times. When he would come to me with an issue he believed I had, it was often those moments that I conveniently decided to share something that would make him sympathize with me.. For example… See when I first read your response… I thought maybe I had been like that before, emotional displays to disarm… and I wasn’t ‘claim[ing] to be the victim…of the person [I was] in fact victimizing'”-

– your example was that you told F about M’s infidelities for the purpose of manipulating him, moving his attention away from the fact that you lied to him about your location. You then paused on that theory (“actually pause on my theory here”) and expressed that you told him about M’s infidelities because you felt closer to him following him forgiving you in that instance, and felt that you “owed him emotional honesty”-

– first, every human manipulates and lots of manipulations are NECESSARY for the well-being of the individual and society. An effective, good parent is one who successfully manipulates their child to behave in socially desirable ways by giving them a purposefully manipulative “treat” like saying “thank you” to the child, smiling at them with approval when they behave in a socially desirable way, and on the other hand, expressing disapproval (not in a severe way because a child is very sensitive to a parent’s disapproval) when the child behaves in a socially undesirable way. Necessary if you want to promote the well-being of the child and the people he/ she interacts with.

When as an adult you treat a person you don’t know politely, part of the reasoning, an instinctive reasoning perhaps, is to promote a positive exchange with the person and avoid a negative exchange. That’s manipulative but necessary because we are social animals.

So, “they…make emotional displays to influence” (from emotional predators. com) is something every person has to do for the benefit of all: it’s what good parenting and being polite is about.

If whenever you felt anger at people, you’d be honest about your anger by expressing it just as you feel it, you’d be in jail sooner than later. To be honest while not abandoning our crown chakras,.. we have to THINK before we express or act: what would be the consequence of this or that behavior, and then choose a behavior that will give us what we validly need in the situation while being fair to the other person.. manipulative, but necessary.

Back to your example: you were caught in a lie by F=> your anxiety went up.. he forgave you=> your anxiety went down, you felt close to him, and grateful you wanted to.. no longer hide what you knew, to be on his side.

But let’s say that your motivation was to redirect his attention away from your lie: could you accept that you, Seaturtle, were not a perfect specimen back then.. and never will be one? Accept this while continuing to become (a process) a better and better human being?

Personally, I do not consider a child (of minor age or adult age) a bad person for lying to and otherwise manipulating one’s own abusive/ mistreating parent, one who never corrected or apologized for his/ her significant mistreatment. Not any more than I’d consider a person being robbed a bad person for lying to/ manipulating the robber into not going through with the crime.

“My confusion on emotional sincerity is literally making me question my own emotions, I do not want to be like my parents. The example my mom set for me was that when my dad was upset with her (for money or cheating) she would always cry, I think to disarm him. I wonder if this… has something to with why I would have involuntary tears come to my face quite often when trying to have a confrontational talk with my dad. Less now, it has actually been years since I have had a real confrontation with him so I am not sure if this is still a bodily instinct”-

– Having witnessed M’s manipulative tears aimed at disarming F while not changing her own wrong behaviors, you didn’t and you don’t want to be like her, so you question your own tears.. M took away from you the privilege of simply crying.

“It is just hard for me to accept that everything was N’s fault, that seems like a slippery slope, I must have done some bad too right? You know when you read information that is so one sided, and you wonder, well I wonder the other side of the story… I wonder this, the more one sided I present the relationship, as in he did the most wrong, then what is the other side of the story as to make it more reliable information.. the self doubt here..”-

-the other side of the story is that you tried to make N someone who he is not, so to get what you validly need in a relationship, all along thinking that it’d benefit him as well if he was.. someone who he is not. Your error is in doing this for too long, and so, in totality, you have hurt yourself and you didn’t help him, maybe you made him feel worse about himself than he felt before you being in his life.

If this is what happened, you have to forgive yourself because you weren’t aware back then.  Back then (including when you posted here), you were overly impressed with his external looks (“He is a beautiful tall man…gorgeous“), with him being a hard worker (“he works works works..“) and with your (low vibrational and material) family’s opinions about him (“My family absolutely loves him… They say he (is) very financially savvy and aware of..  the business world“). You saw N through their eyes, not through your 3rd eye. So, you tried to make it work.

Forgive yourself. The only valid use of guilty feelings is to correct one’s behavior. So, in the future, see a man through your 3rd eye and if he is not what you need, let him go.

“Wow when I read this, it has N written all over it. This drove my crazy, I would ask the most direct and simple a question could be and he would act like I was speaking another language, it was infuriating actually.”- not what you need, to say the least. Let’s say he wasn’t able to answer your simple questions. In that case, you have 3 options: (1) to stay with him and ask no questions (hatchling/ Seaturtle in a cage), (2) stay with him and keep asking questions, and getting infuriated, (3) having mercy on the two of you, wishing him well and existing the relationship.

The 3rd option is the empathetic and crown chakra’s fueled answer, both heart and crown chakras vibrating in unison.

“He made me feel that if I did those things he would be more available, emotionally. He said specific things like this, I can’t remember exact words but just little comments that he would respect me more, have more to give me emotionally, if I brought home a lot of money”-

– he was dishonestly manipulative, and I doubt that he would have ben able (if you brought in a lot of money) to be more emotionally available to you. This right here is one of his wrongdoings in the relationship with you, something he did wrong to you. (It occurred to me a long time ago, by the way, that maybe part of his attraction to you was that your father is financially well off, maybe rich…?)

“We do! I welcome constructive criticism, I want to see myself!.. I want to see this correctly”- Seaturtle’s vibrating 3rd eye emoji .

I wrote to you: “N is not interested in being seen as he is, this is why he deceives”, and you responded:  “Wow. you are so right he was not interested in being seen, and I wanted to see him so badly, I thought If I tried hard enough I could…. wow“- what a waste of your life (on top of the waste of his life), it would have been to support his deceit.

“This is so tricky because he would say mental strength advice, and it felt useful to me, so I would then believe he is a good partner because he is providing me with things that are making me better. But then his mental strength being rooted in interpersonal dishonesty appeared in other ways, I didn’t see him as lacking mental strength, he lacked honesty which is like a liar giving you nutrition facts… the nutrition facts might be true, so in a nutritional conversation they appear very smart and honest, then they lie in other areas of life so it is harder to make the connection to their dishonesty, because they were honest sometimes.“-

– very well said. Unlike portrayals of people in many cartoons and certain movies, people are not one way or another all the time.

“It is certainly concerning (the substances he used and probably still uses). I gain empathy for it when I think about how his dad is an avid cannabis enthusiast/smoker, like literally always has a joint in his pocket hiding it from his wife, who pretends she doesn’t see it“- imagine you being in her position if you were married to N.. supporting his deceit, history on repeat,

“he worked 10pm-5pm the next day! He worked 20 hour shifts back to back, he slept in his truck… I sort of rescued him, I showed him how ridiculous it was , he told me, after he quit that I am the one that got him out. He was in a loop and I showed genuine concern and showed him”- you helped to work fewer hours, for one. Good thing.

“Are you saying to not wish him well? I think you are saying to wish him well but I just thought to ask haha.“- I am saying to wish him well, as in to send him a positive though and sentiment because it’d make you feel better about yourself and help you move on (I am really bad with sarcasm, so I don’t use it).

This is a long post, but well. It took me a long time to post this because of technical issues with my computer, it keeps doing strange things…

anita

Dear Arden:

Good to read from you first thing this cold, cold – (minus) 14 degrees celsius Saturday morning (here). I am glad that you found comfort in my reply. I am fine considering the cold and some other concerns. Like I wrote in my reply to you on Dec 24: ” the distance that matters most in the way we experience life is the short distance in-between our ears”, and I am keeping this distance as warm and as pleasant as possible for me, one day at a time. I hope you do the same.

Communicating with you, Arden, helps me keep that short distance warm, pleasant and interesting, so, you are welcome and thank you!

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

“supporting her made me happy, because it made me feel that I am able to do something for her“- it made me smile to read this, feeling that I like you for wanting so much to help her.

Problem is when we want to help someone so much that we want to possess that person, wanting her “all for myself“, like you wrote. That possessiveness adds to the burden of the person you are trying to help.

Key when that happens, when you feel jealous and angry, is to calm down before you act, because when we are hurt and angry.. our intelligence goes down and we act against our own interests and against the interests of the person we are trying to help.

anita

Re-submitting:

Dear Seaturtle:

“Similarly I feel this way about getting my things from N. My roommate tells me to just get it over with. But I feel like I will know when is the right time.. Do you think this is true? wow as I asked this to you (and myself) I heard the title of my thread again ‘is it gut or fear‘ that does not feel it is quite the right time, or is it intuition or fear? Still hard for me to tell this difference..“-

Wikipedia: “The word intuition comes from the Latin verb intueri translated as ‘consider’ or from the late middle English word intuit, ‘to contemplate’. Use of intuition is sometimes referred to as responding to a ‘gut feeling’ or ‘trusting your gut’”.

Intuition/ gut means knowing something without considering or contemplating it.. you just KNOW it.

You ended your original post on Oct 6, the day you chose the title of your thread, with: “Idk maybe we are perfect for each other and I am self sabotaging, or maybe its the inner voice of my higher self telling me it’s not right“-

– I boldfaced what you referred to in your title as fear, and boldfaced+ italicized what you referred to as gut. What you had in mind back then as fear was the fear of making a mistake and letting a good man go. What you referred to as gut was the part of you that felt that he was not a good man for you.

Fast forward 22 pages, 3 months and five days from the date of your original post to today, your gut is stronger but the fear that you are making a mistake and letting a good guy go still lingers. I think that not trusting one’s gut is a result of  emotional predation, what I started talking about yesterday: the emotional predator starting preying on your heart chakra making his way tup to your crown chakra, promoting fear and self-doubt and robbing you from trust in your gut.

Emotional predators. com: “they claim to be the victim, usually of the person they’re in fact victimizing; they fake sincerity and make emotional displays to influence, intimidate, charm, disarm or seduce others; they pretend to be innocent and ignorant; they trap others in no-win binds where the other person is damned if they do and damned if they don’t…  they isolate and ‘gaslight’ their targets, eliciting in the targets unmerited guilt and doubt about their own sanity; they create havoc, confusion and chaos, and disrupt other people’s natural rhythms… they relentlessly manage their public image, often by omitting relevant facts (lying by omission).

”All Emotional Predators hide, deceive and avoid. They conceal their true nature and objectives, presenting a false image, often very convincingly. They can’t be safely relied upon. They misdirect your attention away from what’s really important with words and deeds that rarely reflect the full truth. They lie by assertion and omission, for amusement and gain, or simply out of habit. They shift the topic when you try to talk about anything they don’t want to address. They avoid giving direct answers to simple questions or requests, and offer excuses and justifications, rather than change. Often there’s more accurate information in what an Emotional Predator does not say than in what he does say.

”The more you can commit these traits and behaviors to memory and recognize them in others, the better protected you’ll be. It takes repeated review and experiences to remember new information, so don’t worry if you forget. Books like Protecting Yourself from Emotional Predators are resources you can make notes in and refer back to as often as you need. And rest assured, an Emotional Predator will repeat her behaviors and traits many times.”

On July 29, in your first thread, you described N this way: “He is supportive, he encourages me to do what I LOVE. We are getting better at communication every day…willing to be a stay at home dad or be the bread winner, whatever I want!! He is truly a stand up man, he is so kind and deeply cares for those around him“- he presented himself as these things, his presentation was convincing as far as your family goes (“My family absolutely loves him”, July 29), but in your gut, you felt small and big disconnects in his presentations of himself as a stand up guy:

“I don’t think we are soulmates…  I have been dealing with these small disconnects for a long time but they keep coming back to me. OR is this all just me running away from the most genuine and loving/caring/kind/PATIENT/ would-do-anything-for-me man ?????????????? I really have been having this entire debate in my head for a straight 6-8 months now” (July 29, 2023)- he presented himself in these ways but there were significant disconnects in his presentations that you couldn’t exactly put your finger on.

Back to your yesterday’s first post: “There was a little voice in my head that wasn’t sure if he meant what he was saying. I wondered if it would lead to passive aggression, it lead to me feeling awkward when he did pay for things, such as dinner, park passes or at the grocery store checkout. It is almost like I could feel the energy a bit, but then his words said otherwise so I would ignore the energy I felt”-

– WOW! I read the paragraph right above for the first time this late morning, AFTER writing about deceptive presentations of the emotional predator! His words didn’t fit his energy- you said it yourself. His words were not sincere.

“It was subtle, but I feel like I predicted him eventually admitting he felt a certain way, but I also hoped it wasn’t true and that his words were honest“- again, I am reading this for the first time: his words were not honest!

“His lack of expressing himself caused me to be on guard for something blowing up eventually. As it seems obvious to me that when you hide a feeling for so long it will eventually come out in a burst of energy… later he disregarded what he said, calling it a joke and so forth“- N is a dishonest man in the context of supposedly intimate relationships, the one with you.

You can’t fix interpersonal dishonesty and you couldn’t have fixed it back when you lived with him. Even if you paid the whole rent and all utilities and expenses for the whole time you lived with him, he’d still be him.

“I am more sensitive that anyone I have every met. For example, nicotine, it’s spiritual affects on me was enough for me to never be tempted into it again, even after lots of drinks on NYE when my roommate, M, was using one. I was tempted then remembered the affects on me and that was enough to release the pull on me. I asked her if she feels spiritually attacked in any way..”-

– thoroughly understand and remember the affects N  has had on you and will continue to have on you if you go back to him (continuing to be emotionally attacked by an emotional predator), and it should be enough to release the pull he has on you. You will not be tempted to go back to him.

“Her crown chakra is a little beaming light, I love it, I am smiling as I write this, so sweet”- I am smiling too as I read about your younger sister.

“You see me Anita, it is something that gave me the strength to believe that there is something to see“- you want to be seen and so do I. We are willing to see what is inconvenient to see about ourselves, don’t we? We care about being honest with ourselves and with others for the purpose of seeing and being seen.

N is not interested in being seen as he is, this is why he deceives.

“Well then Anita I hope I have you for a long time to avoid that third condition”- I would like that! (big smile emoji).

“Is little girl seaturtle the same as hatchling?”- yes.

“Thank you for providing me your cannabis disorder research!”- you are welcome.

“This reminds me of myself, I feel the consistent use alongside N, was beginning to cause me to have more anxiety than usual… I stopped doing it regularly with N because I noticed it causes me more anxiety… I think I was on the verge of developing cannabis use disorder myself..”- good thing you stopped.

“– I didn’t understand the above “it prevented him from having dreams“- what kinds of dreams?”

“He told me once or twice about a time in his life he had terrible sleep apnea and sleep paralysis. I think it is because of his football career… part of me admired his mental strength…”- problem is that his mental strength is rooted in interpersonal dishonesty, dishonesty with you. but remember, just as a broken clock is honest twice every 24 hours…

“… I worried that he needed so many substances.., His use of weed in the morning, then coffee, then energy drinks plus nicotine for lunch, then he would get home and said he hadn’t eaten all day.. it physically aged him and mentally depleted him. He wasn’t always like this, it was more towards the last couple months of our relationship. Because in the first year of our relationship he quit a lot of these things..”- this made me feel empathy for him, and concern.

“I wondered this before too, him saying he would stay home with kids if I wanted. At first I thought that was thoughtful of him to offer, to offer to support whatever I chose. But then I wondered about the weed and worried for future children that he wouldn’t attend to them properly, then lie and say everything went well..”-

– best you can do is to not get back to him, including: to not bring children into a relationship with him, and to wish him well. Accept what you cannot change in life, and change what you can, as the Serenity Prayer says. You can’t change his past, who he has become, and who he will continue to be, getting worse, so it seems. It is very sad, but if you went back to him, you’d hurt yourself further, possibly bring children to get hurt… and all along not helping him at all.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I’ll reply further in the morning, but for now, “Similarly I feel this way about getting my things from N. My roommate tells me to just get it over with. But I feel like I will know when is the right time.. Do you think this is true? … I am afraid about getting my things, but I need my passport from him. I am afraid he will say something to harm me and I feel in too sensitive state to feel it“- I think that much more important than when you pick up your things, is that you do NOT go alone to his place/ to meet him. How about your roommate  going with you.. to get it over with, like she said, when the time is right for you?

“Hm, I had to re-read this out loud to myself to let it sink in. A weakness that comes from the habit formed in trying to compromise it (our crown chakras)  for a parent?“- in many cases, as in mine, a parent is the worst crown chakra predator (CCP)  one is to meet in a lifetime.

Coming to think about it, N- the spider (to the fly,  shark (to the sea turtle), mountain lion (to the deer)- has been your CCP, hasn’t he? And that’s why you sped away from him, prey running away from predator: “I thought I saw him on the freeway today.. I feel like I saw a ghost. He was in the same exact truck as N… I sped ahead as to get a car between us. I truly thought it was him and my heart was beating so fast… it was long enough to scare me“.

Maybe it is more accurate to say that he preyed on your heart chakra, making his way up to your crown chakra?

I get invested in images… But it is true: the people we love, beginning with our parents, are (too often, in so many people’s lives) emotional predators, preying on the ones who love them. The part of us that loves them is the soft flesh they bite into. A sea turtle has a shell for that reason. We must be strong and wise in this strange world of ours.

Good night amazing Seaturtle, be back to you in the morning.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“It also triggers, what I think might be a larger trigger, that I feel again unseen” – To see sea turtle is what Sea turtle needs from others. Both your parents did- do not- see sea turtle. N did-does not.

“Just as I came to this sight with my very first post about N, and was not seen“- I like your unintentional substitution of sight for site. Again, Sea turtle needs to be seen. It is a non-negotiable, not to be compromized need.

“Even when I tell my mom, my close friend, they don’t see the gravity of the issues with N. Being in a high vibrational unison with my crown chakra was lonely in my relationship, and it is also outside of it, quite often“- if everyone was in high vibrational unison with their crown chakras, no one in the whole world, who is around people, would’ve been lonely. Quite often, a lot of people are lonely every day and every night.

I grew up (or in, I prefer to say) excruciatingly unseen. I remember thinking: doesn’t anyone see me? How is it possible that no one sees me, I am right here… am I here? 

“Which reminds me I need to set up an email address so we can connect!“-no rush, whenever it’s convenient for you. We are communicating very well right here.

“Just today I was thinking about how I have to daily remind myself why I broke up with him, and I wondered what I am strengthening as I do that. All this work of reminding myself the truth has to be developing some sort of muscle to be able to discern truth better in the future. My third eye is this muscle“- I am thinking of you breaking up with him as breaking away from weakness, unnecessary weakness. What I mean by it is that we are necessarily weak compared to some other animals like elephants, but when we compromise our crown chakras so to maintain a relationship, that’s unnecessary weakness.

“I was surprised by my next thought ‘Did I deserve it when he tried to cause me pain,’ Had I done something worth the passive aggression. I fear that I took advantage of him.. When I wasn’t working for the first few months of last year…I did my art and things around the house, but I could have done more. I could have grocery shopped and cooked more for him coming home from a long day from work and I was only home job searching online and painting. He half heartedly supported me, but after it was too late, after that time he told me he felt taken advantage of and I fear his causing me pain came from him feeling taken advantage of”-

– No, you didn’t deserve him causing you pain and being passive aggressive with you because how could you possibly know that he felt taken advantaged of. He didn’t tell you how he felt. As a matter of fact, he expressed otherwise and encouraged you to quit your job and paint at home. You thought it was okay with him because of what he expressed to you. You can’t read minds that are not expressed in words.. even with a vibrating crown chakra and a muscular third eye!

“I think I feel a lack of energy in my third eye now, as I just tried to think about why this could be invalid but I am quite tired. My new schedule is busy…  I got sick again December 27th, and since then have had a sore throat and just today I vomited, very random I thought. I felt fine before then suddenly nauseous and now I am exhausted”- should you test yourself for covid again.. see a doctor?

health line. com/ throat chakra healing: “When one or more of your chakras becomes blocked or unbalanced, it’s thought to have an impact on your physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional health. The throat chakra (also known as Vishuddha) is responsible for communication, self-expression, and the ability to speak your personal truth… If your throat chakra is blocked or unbalanced, you may: * be fearful about speaking your personal truth * have a harder time expressing your thoughts * feel anxious about speaking or communicating. In addition.. you may experience outbursts of emotion or even the opposite: extreme quiet or refusal to speak. Emotionally, those with fifth chakra (throat chakra) imbalance may be highly critical of themselves and others…  Physically..  symptoms may manifest as the following: *a raspy throat * chronic sore throat..”. It continues with healing suggestions including neck stretches and yoga poses.

I am thinking that communicating your personal, inner truth to your mother and to other people in your life more confidently and assertively (regardless of their reactions or lack of) will help. Better speak up than be quiet about matters most important to you. And when people can’t comprehend you/ don’t see you.. accept it with as much serenity as possible (not resisting it) while limiting or having no contact with them. One person seeing you.. is a good start.

“Why was he lying do you think? Do you think he knew why he was wanting to hurt me? I am not sure he was aware as to why he wanted to cause harm“- I think that he knew that he was angry with you and he knew that he wanted to hurt you (all animals want to or are prepared to hurt the object of their anger), but he didn’t think much about it, didn’t contemplate it.

I think that he lied when he said that he was joking,  that he knew he was telling you an untruth, but again, I don’t think that he gave any thought to lying, no introspection. Think of it, if you will, as him being on one side of a ping pong table: he sees a ball coming at him, he automatically deflects it, throwing it at the other person at the other end of the ping pong table. Lying when deflection calls for it, as well as teflon-ing otherwise, is part of his MO.

“I agree with this about my mom. I fear her third eye has been closed most of her life and usually is… She does things that she thinks is right all the time, that were only clearly her heart and sacral“- a low vibrational crown chakra does not send vibrations that are strong enough to open the 3rd eye.

“I think what you said here is important for me to hear, I need to learn to be ok with this lonely feeling. Because if the only option to not feel alone in certain situations is to close that eye and crown, I don’t want to do it… I want to continue to be okay with being uncomfortable rather than closing up. Because it is only if I stay open that I might find others like me, I believe”- I don’t think that you can close that eye once (1)  you had it wide open, and (2) you endured that discomfort of being alone long-enough, and (3) you are not completely alone.

You asked in regard to my suggestion that N was satisfied with being in a relationship with you even though he knew that you repeatedly wanted out of the relationship:  “How was this satisfying to him, or was he just too weak to end it himself.“- he wasn’t introspective enough to end it. Introspection (an open crown chakra, an open 3rd eye) does not appear like a source of satisfaction to him.

“In the shower, after I got home, I had a strange vision I had not imagine before. It was two years later and N said that he read everything from this thread! he said he would like to talk at coffee. I met him and he apologized for everything… Specifically He said he was sorry for not respecting me, and that it was not my fault he couldn’t see the wisdom in how I was doing things that he judged. He apologized… I then snapped out of it and felt some sort of peace.. His ghost made amends with me, and it brought me some peace. strange.”- it’s the desire of little girl Seaturtle to be seen and respected and apologized to, for all the wrong done to her.

“I thought I saw him on the freeway today.. I feel like I saw a ghost. He was in the same exact truck as N… I sped ahead as to get a car between us… it was long enough to scare me“- his ghost scares you, his ghost being your father when you were growing up, hurting you, not seeing you. It was a painful, long-term, on and on experience.

anita

vibrationally restful night, I meant…