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anitaParticipantDear Liz:
I communicated with a member in these forums, one who suffered from the same intrusive thought following exactly the incident that you described, including placing her hand on his leg. If I remember correctly, it was a long thread where I submitted many posts, and shared about my own OCD. Was that you?
If it is, welcome back to the forums! Please let me know what of my suggestions in the old thread helped (for a little while at least), and what did not help, and we can communicate further. Perhaps you can point me to that thread, for re-reading?
If it is not you, if you are new to the forums: welcome! Please let me know if you are new, and we can communicate further, if you would like.
anita
September 9, 2024 at 9:49 am in reply to: Wedding morning, aunties behaviour – advice, thoughts? #437943anitaParticipantDear Carol:
You shared that you got pregnant, next, “a small, elopement style wedding” was planned, your wedding dress altered to accommodate the growing belly, but then, 2 weeks before the wedding, you had a miscarriage.
You have let your aunt know of the wedding schedule, that she needs to arrive at the suite (where preparations for the wedding were to take place) at 9:30 am, but she ignored your schedule and planned to arrive 2 hours later (your daughter told you this). Next, alerted by your daughter, you called your aunt and “her reply was that of course she’ll come, and come earlier if I wanted!“. Next, after she arrived at the suite, she “seemed annoyed, she was quiet and just generally had a ‘face’ on her but never said what was wrong“.
“I’d hoped she’d sit with me, that we’d have a laugh and a joke, she’d do her makeup/hair with me and that I’d have a nice morning spending time with my family. But that never happened. At some point she’d put her makeup on and done her hair in private and each time I caught a glimpse of her she looked annoyed and was quiet.. The wedding car arrived and we set off for church. Suddenly, my aunt was lovely again, big smiles, chatty, just lovely. I was still frustrated that she’d ignored me all morning… She also generously put £500 in a wedding card and is now acting lovely, and kind which leaves me confused. I’m really Interested to know what other people would think about my auntie’s behaviour in the morning and if you’ve any suggestions about what you’d say to my aunt (or not). Thank you for reading.“-
– You are welcome. I read all your posts in previous threads, trying to get clues as to what’s been happening between you and your aunt, and what motivates her. You didn’t share about your aunt/ family in previous threads, but what I learned from the other threads is that you are honest and straightforward, quite assertive, and very likeable (in my mind). You are clear about what you think, feel and want, telling it like it is: no efforts to hide, to misrepresent people and situations, no efforts to present yourself as better than other people, or as someone who makes no mistakes.. and a genuinely nice person.
Talking about being genuinely nice, your aunt June’s niceness seems less than genuine. For example, your daughter told you how- not nice- June behaved when she planned to be 2-hours late to the suite. But the moment you called her, she was super nice. Seems like the appearance of nice. Same change from not-nice at the suite to => super nice on the way to the church.
Unlike you, seems to me that June is very unassertive and absolutely not straight forward. Passive-aggressive is more like it. Clearly, she didn’t want to spend quality time with you in the suite. Seems to me that she is angry at you, judgmental of you, at least sometimes, and repeatedly so.
Maybe she is jealous of your ability to be assertive (something she can’t bring herself to be), and she felt like you were bossing her around simply because you asserted yourself with her (examples: “I said don’t put it in the sink, put it in the bath“, “I said please don’t put it there“). People who are unable to assert themselves often get angry and feel that they are being bossed around and/ or taken advantage of when they are not because they can’t say No, and they will not take personal responsibility for this inability.
Maybe she didn’t like your then fiancé (now husband), maybe she disapproved of your involvement with men.. (?)
“I find my auntie difficult, we are close and she sort of acts like a mother to me but at the same time causes me a lot of stress due to alternating between kindness, criticism or indifference. I spoke to her about this after Christmas and explained that the way she doesn’t listen to me/ignores me and is just generally critical of me, leaves me upset. She said she would change“- I am guessing that she said she’d change just so to end an unpleasant conversation. Her kindness may be genuine at times, she may feel genuine affection for you and others, at times (I don’t know), but often her kindness and generosity, seems to me, is an appearance, or for appearances, particularly in public. “lovely again, big smiles, chatty, just lovely”– may very well be an act, one she’s good at.
She can’t bring herself to be like you: honest about what she thinks, feels and wants, straightforward, assertive.. so she keeps her anger inside, it never gets resolved, and it (the anger) finds its own ways to express itself: ignoring you, doing the opposite of what you want done, etc.
In regard to your question about what to say to her, or not to say to her, I will wait for you, if you will, to let me know what seems true and what does not seem true in what I wrote here.
anita
September 9, 2024 at 8:01 am in reply to: He Left me after 7 years together for Conservative Parents.. Help me Please! #437935anitaParticipantDear Bhavana:
I am sorry that you are experiencing such emotional pain. You shared that very recently your boyfriend of 7 years broke up with you because his parents disapprove of an inter-religious marriage for him, that you don’t have any kind of job, that you are preparing for competitive exams, but you are not able to concentrate at all.
“it feels like I am failing at everything. I am failing as a daughter. I am failing as a student. I am failing as a person.“-
– Society has failed you, not the other way around. If you and your boyfriend were good to and for each other, then society (in India) which looks down at, and considers inter-faith marriages a taboo, has failed you.
His parents, if they disapproved of the marriage because they didn’t want their son, wife and future children to suffer societal disapproval and abuse, I understand their position. In any case, if they knew of the 7-years relationship and allowed it, knowing that a marriage is a No, then they failed you.
If your boyfriend believed that he can have a good marriage with you and not suffer significant societal retribution, then he failed you when he obeyed his parents in regard to a marriage. If he knew for years that he will not marry you.. he failed you as well, just as his parents did.
From dw. com/ why interfaith marriage in India is getting dangerous (1/11/2023): “In one incident two years ago, Indian police stopped an interfaith marriage in the northern state of Uttar Pradesh despite the consent of both families. Before the ceremony could begin, a police team intervened following a complaint by a local Hindu right-wing leader… In extreme cases, families have attacked or even killed couples for falling in love or for trying to marry someone outside their religion…
“At least eight states, including six governed by the ruling Hindu nationalist Bharativa Janata party (BJP), have passed anti-conversion laws that ban religious conversion solely for the purpose of marriage… Last month, the Vishva Hindu Parishad (VHP), a hardline Hindu group, launched a nationwide public ‘awareness campaign,’ claiming that Hindu women are being caught up in ‘love jihad’… where Muslim men lure Hindu women into marriage and conversion to Islam. Hindu groups claim, without evidence, it is an organized conspiracy”.
Back to you: you chose a Hindu screen name. I wonder if you are a Hindu woman and your (ex) boyfriend, a Muslim man. What about your parents, if I may ask: did they approve or disapprove of the marriage?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Shandrea:
“I like Honesty… an honest friend with good intentions… I strongly dislike bullying of any kind and manipulation, also I don’t know what to call it when people tolerate people because they are afraid to be alone I don’t want that either“- this is who you are: a strong woman who stands for Honesty, Good Intentions, and Courage (not being afraid to be alone), and against Bullying, Manipulation, and Accepting Abuse (for fear of being alone).
“Without even noticing it I joined the forums to connect, share, and maybe in the future help and inspire“- you have been inspiring me for a long time, Shandrea!
“I’ve been living in survival mode/auto pilot for so long. Everything is so rushed and not enjoyable. What attracted me to this website was the post from real people and the challenges they over came. It gave me hope for my future“- I am glad you are here, and I hope that the survival mode changes to more of a living- enjoying mode.
“Since I’m here to connect , Did you finally get a full night of sleep?“- well, last night I did not lie awake, not for hours, not even for a moment. When I woke up, I felt that I slept enough and that it was probably 7 am or so. But it was 4 am. So, good to sleep through but woke up too early.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Tom:
You shared about your childhood for the first time, a day or two ago: “I didn’t like arguments etc. which did make me anxious as to when the next one would be… He and my Mum had a strained relationship and would often fight. As a child, I hated conflict and would often be worried of what/when the next fight would be. They would be sometimes become very heated, sometimes violent. I would try and appease the situation if I could“.
On May 15-16, 2019, you shared: “I have been with my current company since 2014 and have worked myself through the ranks. I have become a little frustrated with my income there and other issues within the company. I have been offered a new role… I think the concern is just leaving a secure position for one that isn’t. But I know you have to take risks sometimes and this could be one of those times“.
June 12, 2019: “I have accepted the new role and am looking forward to the move. I am currently working my notice in my current position… I know I have made the decision that is best for me as I was unhappy“.
Almost five years later, May 26, 2024: “After 5 years with my last company I took a new job offer around and am now 4 weeks in, about to start my 5th week. I left my previous job because there had been a takeover and the threat of redundancy loomed… I feel my confidence is draining while I am there and I come home unhappy etc. with it impacting my sleep“.
More than 3 months later, Sept 6, 2024: “More time has passed and I am still not enjoying it and counting down until the weekend and them dreading to go back come Sunday evening“.
My thoughts about all the quotes above: to grow up in a home where there are occasional or frequent conflict, arguments and fights between parents, sometimes very heated, sometimes violent (your words), is to become very sensitive to any sign of what could be the next fight, so to prepare for it, so to appease the situation whenever possible.
If both parents are present in the home, and one parent is talking to the other and his/ her voice becomes a bit louder, the child emotionally react to the increase of volume with alertness and fear, as in thinking: is this a sign that the next fight is about to begin? The bit of increase of volume sounds much louder in the child’s brain because of having experienced scary fights before, and fearing the next.
For a non-anxious child who lives in a peaceful home, a bit of volume increase is just that, a bit of increase, and the emotional reaction of the child would be mild or none. But for an anxious child who lives in a sort of war zone, the bit of increase sounds LOUD, and the emotional reaction (fear, alertness) is significant.
Fast forward, the anxious, alert child is an anxious adult in the workplace, and any sign of trouble sounds much louder, or feels much worse than it is (for non-anxious adults) because of the habitual emotional reaction to conflict that took hold in childhood. The anxious adult overreacts, emotionally, to conflict and arguments in the workplace: to those other issues within the company, that you mentioned back in May 2019, and to the takeover and the threat of redundancy that you mentioned five years later, in May 2024.
Back to five hours or so ago, you shared: “My situation is now that I’m engaged and very happy at home with my partner and dog. We have a good life. As you know, I changed job a few months back and it’s not going well as I hoped… I feel stuck as I get paid well it’s not hard to find a new job but I also feel unfulfilled and don’t want to be like this.“- I am glad that your current home life is a good one! In regard to your workplace: think, if you will, what conflicts are happening there, conflicts between co-workers/ management, criticisms.. some kinds of threats (like the threat of redundancy that you mentioned back in May, in regard to the old workplace). You may be overreacting to such. With some work you can learn to tone down the overreaction, to sort of turn down the volume of the conflicts/ threats in the workplace. This is what emotion regulation is about: undoing/ calming emotional over-reactions).
anita
September 8, 2024 at 7:00 pm in reply to: He Left me after 7 years together for Conservative Parents.. Help me Please! #437139anitaParticipantDear Bhavana:
This is a rough self-judgment: failing as a person. Please tell me how you’re failing as za person..?
anita
anitaParticipantI will reply Mon morning.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Tom:
I will reply further this evening or tomorrow (It’s not yet noon here). If you would like to share more about your childhood, please do. It will help me understand your anxiety better.
anita
September 8, 2024 at 11:01 am in reply to: Wedding morning, aunties behaviour – advice, thoughts? #437129anitaParticipantDear Carol:
Good to read from you again. We first communicated on April 1, 2020, and last, on July 29, same year, four years ago! I read part of your post above and will read all, and reply tomorrow.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Shandrea:
Good idea, to ask your inner child a few questions so to prepare for a new social life. Here are a few questions you can ask your inner child: (1) what traits do you like most about people (ex., being respectful, being of a certain age, being talkative, or quiet…). Another question: what traits do you strongly dislike about people? Another: what do you feel about meeting new people (anxious? Excited? etc.)?
Maybe your inner child would like to type her answers through your fingers right here, in your thread. Also, you can ask her more questions (if she is open to it).
anita
September 8, 2024 at 9:09 am in reply to: How to still feel worthy despite major rejection in your life? #437126anitaParticipantDear Dana:
I am sorry to read that you were severely abused by your mentally-ill mother, that your adoptive parents were often harsh and critical, and that you suffered otherwise in life.
“I have done a lot of self work and development… ready to let go of my past and am now on the journey of healing. I’m also looking to see a therapist soon“- congratulations for being on the journey of healing, for doing the work, and for preparing to do more work.
“How to still feel worthy despite major rejection in your life?… How do I move on from all of the above and believe that I am deserving of healthy relationships and love? I don’t wish to have to change my personality or become a cold and bitter person“- my answer this morning: have the courage to (1) think well of yourself no matter what others may think of you, (2) to be on your side no matter some people disapproving/ rejecting you, (3) to acknowledge when you make mistakes, to correct them best you can, and then.. post-correction, the courage to think well of yourself, (4) the courage to be warm and friendly with people even when you’re afraid they’ll reject you.
There will always be disapproval, rejection, disappointments. We need to be strong, resilient and consistent.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
Thank you for wishing me well!
“I still cry, I still miss her sometime. But I now think this is a necessary process for my healing“- yes, it is a necessary part of the process of healing.
On the other hand, contacting her in any way, and for any reason is not congruent with the process of your healing.
I am looking forward to read what happens next in regard to the cats and I hope you are sleeping restfully as I submit this post.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Shandrea:
“I have a lot of peace since blocking them“- keep your peace by keeping them blocked..!
“They are used to me people pleasing now that I say no, I am called crazy and weird ,or too emotional“- it’s the ones calling you names who are too emotional, and in a rude way.
“I don’t care what they think of me. I like myself more now than I ever did in the past“- I very much like reading this!
“To me loving someone is you care about their wellbeing. Correct me if I’m wrong about my definition of love“- not wrong at all, it’s an excellent definition!
“Growing up relatives tell you they love you, how are you telling me you love me than you try to emotionally abuse me“- exactly!
“Why do I have to fight these people I already have enough challenges being a single black mom born in the hood“- this reminds me of how important it is to think before I talk, so to not hurt people’s feelings, people who are already hurt and struggling.
“I am the oldest of 5 , but just because I was the oldest didn’t mean I didn’t need support.“- you needed support and you needed someone to care about your well-being, aka love.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
I slept very poorly last night, just lay awake for hours before finally getting up. Reading about your dog’s progress and your care for him is making me 😊again (a tired, sleepless smile), thank you for the smile and for your ❤️.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Tom:
“My mum and dad had a troubled relationship“- did it make you anxious at home, growing up witnessing their troubled relationship?
“I have never fully been able to express my fears and concerns with them“- how would they react if you expressed your fears and concerns with them?
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 