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August 19, 2024 at 11:29 am in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #436372anitaParticipant
Dear Robi:
It’s a good thing that you are on your own while your parents are on holiday, isn’t it.
“I’ve been working on myself a little, getting more serious with my routines (breathwork, meditation, reading)“- excellent!
“I’ve sent applications almost every day, had a couple of interviews and now waiting to see if any of them will lead to a job in Warsaw. I think, the first week of September I will be able to start a new job there but I still don’t have any confirmation“- you’ve definitely been consistent in your search for work in Warsaw. I hope that you will soon get a confirmation regarding the new job possibility.
“my girlfriend has been here too for a while and these are her last days here so a lot is being discussed“- again, excellent that you and your girlfriend have been visiting and communicating!
“There is some confusion towards what I’d like to do in the future… I’m considering in the future living here, with my girlfriend and doing something closer to nature (farming, yoga / sports retreat ). I feel a big part of me wants to stay here, the nature here really speaks to me and I find it hard to see myself living in a corporate capital city (Warsaw)“- reads like a good plan to me: to live and work close to nature with your girlfriend. I imagine this was discussed between the two of you: is there any kind of meeting-of-the-minds-and-heart in this regard?
I am doing well🙂, thank you. Good to read your update!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Shandrea:
I like your new name, and I like the photo you added: you are very pretty.. and you have such a serious look in your eyes. Good to see you!!!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
Life has been treating me busy, thank you for asking. And you are welcome!
“she didn’t think through the breakup seriously and things just seem sloppy“- she decided to break up with you and after telling you about her decision, she expected you to leave your flat, not planning on moving out herself: that’s an astounding level of sloppy-no-thinking-through.
In relationship terms, she thinks ahead too little, and you: too much.
“There were times I found myself checking her on social media… I know there is no other way than to not (be) contacting or stalking her.. in the beginning of this week, I felt I missed her a lot and really wanted to reconnect, possibly because I knew she was back from her business trip and is back. I guess its a phase but sometime I do struggle“- the struggles of the heart, struggles of an attachment dissolving. The attachment to her is a habit, and it is difficult to break habits.
You are in the habit of having contact with her, so you want more. She returns from a business trip, and as is your (emotional) habit, you get excited about her return, and you look forward to connecting with her. The breakup info didn’t interrupt these habit yet.
From health line/ the science of habit: “Here’s how the habit loop works: 1. Cue. You experience a stimulus — a trigger. It could be being in a certain location, smelling a certain smell, seeing a certain person, or feeling a particular emotional state, among many other possibilities. 2. Craving. The stimulus causes you to desire a particular outcome that you find rewarding. It motivates you to act. 3. Response. You engage in behaviors, thoughts, or actions you take to get that outcome. 4. Reward. The outcome occurs and you feel a sense of reward as a result, satisfying your craving. The pleasure or relief you experience reinforces the cue, making the cue even better at triggering craving next time. That’s why it’s an endless loop”-
Her belongings left behind, the pillow she left on your bed have been Cues; her return from a business trip, another cue. These cues lead to a Craving to contact her, leading to Responses: stalking her on social media, sending her a birthday gift after the breakup.. fits, doesn’t it?
“I am constantly finding myself trying to move on, and wanting to connect with her“- to move on, you’d need to break the habit of having her in your life as a partner: (1) to remove all her things (cues) that are still in your flat, making your flat cue-free, and (2) to break the habit of checking on her social media activity (which provide you with more cues).
Back to the article I quoted from: “Whether you’re trying to build a new positive habit or shake an old habit you don’t like, patience is vital… Be kind to yourself as you try to break a pattern. Falling back into a habit doesn’t mean you’ve failed… Consistency will come with practice, and so will success”. End of quote.
Wishing you patience and kindness toward yourself!
anita
August 19, 2024 at 9:33 am in reply to: Being a lonely young woman in a world obsessed with romance and sex #436365anitaParticipantDear Elias:
(the boldface are your words:) You expressed intense and negative feelings of frustration about two things: (1) that your love and erotic life has been so far minimal, and (2) social repercussions: societal negative judgment of you for failing to be either paired up, or experimenting sexually and having fun.
On one hand, you are touch and love starved, and you want so bad– to love and be loved back, but usually, when you meet men, including attractive men, you tend to relate to them platonically, and rarely does this perception of them shift over time from platonic to romantic or erotic.
When men in real-life take real steps towards you, you tend to feel easily overwhelmed and want to maintain distance. But in fantasy, you don’t feel overwhelmed, and you don’t maintain distance: “I think I suffer from some degree of maladaptive daydreaming because I feel like I would rather fantasize about having sex or being in love, or even just watch a show about people having sex and being in love rather than engage in real life“.
In real-life, you feel very blocked to do what you do in fantasy: to touch and be touched, to love and be loved.
“Maybe I suffer from some kind of avoiding attachments where I feel most comfortable at arm length from people“- I agree, Elias: in real-life, you avoid that which you long for, that which you dare have only in fantasy, or by proxy of watching a TV show. I think that it’s fear that’s blocking you from real-life love relationship.
It may be fear of abandonment, as in: if you’ll be in a relationship, the man will leave you, and you’d be devastated. It may be fear of engulfment, as in: if you’ll be in relationship, the man will control and dominate you, he will mentally take over you, and you will lose the bit of independent-self that you now have.
These two fears may be rooted in your childhood where a parent abandoned you physically or emotionally, and/ or a parent was enmeshed with you, taken over you mentally and emotionally, not giving you the space to be.. you.
” I tend to see people all around me very platonically“- seeing people very platonically is self-protective: it protects you from either being abandoned or taken over.
“A part of me genuinely would love to share her life with someone else, to love and be loved back“- but another part of you is afraid.
“It’s like I am asexual on the outside but full of longings and needs inside“- I think that the term asexual is not helpful here: it is too broad (it means different things to different people) to explain what is specifically happening with you.
Some consider the term a sexual orientation. I don’t think that it is a sexual orientation in your case. I think that you are afraid of irl-love relationship.
“I notice I am more likely to feel real attraction to people who breadcrumbs me rather that people who take real steps towards me. I tend to feel easily overwhelmed and want to maintain distances“- it makes sense to me that you are less afraid of breadcrumbs than of a whole loaf of bread, meaning: you are less afraid of men who are not taking real steps towards you. No real steps toward you= no reason to run away (no immediate reason).
“But how does one change their own attachment style? I have done therapy in the past but was more like, talk and CBT therapy rather than attachment focused. I can’t say it didn’t help but for some things but unfortunately, for others it didn’t.“- attachment-focused therapy sounds just right for you:
From psychology today/ attachment based therapy: “An attachment-based approach to therapy looks at the connection between an infant’s early attachment experiences with primary caregivers, usually with parents, and the infant’s ability to develop normally and ultimately form healthy emotional and physical relationships as an adult”.
A bit about me: I grew up with a mother who controlled and dominated me on a regular basis, making my life all about her. She did not give me either the space, or the permission to be me. I felt guilty and too enmeshed to free myself from her mental domination. As a teenager, I daydreamed about romantic relationships a LOT, often from morning to night, but avoided such in real-life. There was a boy in high-school I fell in-love with for a couple of years maybe, fantasizing about having a love-relationship with him. One evening irl, following a youth-group meeting, he asked me to walk me home (just me and him), and I said.. No.
If you relate to what I shared, we can talk more about anything or everything, if you would like to.
anita
August 18, 2024 at 7:08 pm in reply to: Being a lonely young woman in a world obsessed with romance and sex #436347anitaParticipantDear Elais:
“I’ve considered to be asexual on some degree but still, I would very like to have a romantic relationship… why? Why something that comes to easy to others like breathing don’t come to me?“- is it being dissociated, as in being dis-associated from romantic and sexual emotions and drives, having those suppressed or repressed, but not completely, so there is a longing?
anita
August 18, 2024 at 6:43 pm in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #436346anitaParticipantDear Robi: too tired to read and reply this evening. Tomorrow!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara: too tired to read and reply this evening. I will tomorrow!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara: I will read and reply this evening (morning here).
anita
anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
“I don’t think that your mother knew what love is, so for her to love you, sadly is impossible“- she knew what she valued. She valued people of a certain ethnicity, a certain look, a certain mannerism, a certain social class, etc., and treating them with admiration and flattery. I was none of those things she valued, so she didn’t value me. Think, if you will, of a Nazi guard in a concentration camp back in WW2, being a loving father perhaps to his own Aryan-race children, but having no problem mistreating the prisoners in the camp, seeing them as less than human, or not human at all.
As a matter of fact, early on, I referred to my mother (in my own mind) as “my private Nazi”, and to my childhood, as “my private holocaust”.
“What matters isn’t her… I feel like people like that, hate themselves… They cope by… They don’t have the strength… I don’t know if you would agree?“-
– like you said, what matters isn’t her, and therefore, I don’t want to talk about her emotional dynamics: whether she hates herself, how she copes, whether she has the strength, etc., because I wasted so much of my life focusing on her, trying to understand her. This focus was a big part of my sickness.
“I learned recently that my mother was an untreated paranoid schizophrenic. I always knew that she had a severe mental illness. As a teenager I was desperate to know what it was, feeling like it would explain what she did to me. Maybe even absolve her of it somehow. But learning her condition ultimately didn’t change anything“-
– trying to understand your mother (“to know what it was“, in the quote above).. didn’t change anything for you, did it?
“It is good to hear that you are sleeping better now. Thank you for the advice!“- you are welcome. I didn’t sleep well last night.
anita
anitaParticipantThank you, Jasmine, have a nice day yourself!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Helcat: I will reply further tomorrow, but for now, in regard to: “I hope that I haven’t said anything that makes you feel bad?“- I wanted to let you know that no, you didn’t say anything that makes me feel bad; opposite is true. Thank you!
anita
August 17, 2024 at 11:52 am in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #436313anitaParticipantDear Robi: Good to get and read a bit of your message. I am just about to be away from the computer, will read and reply in about 20 hours from now.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Jasmine: You are welcome! Like you, I too google definitions of words (I lose memory of what words and terms mean). Will be away for the rest of the day and much of the night.
anita
anitaParticipantI wish us both: Jasmine and anita, a peaceful mind, self-confidence and inner strength today, and every day, one day at a time (and during particularly challenging days: one moment, one hour at a time).
anita
anitaParticipantDear Jasmine:
Good morning, Jasmine.
“As a child I didn’t know confidence is something that I have to build“- interestingly, I just read a quote (from the Dalai Lama) about the connection between a calm mind, inner strength, self-confidence and good health: “Calm mind brings inner strength and self-confidence, so that’s very important for good health“.
What do you think of this quote?
anita
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