Dear Dafne:

Thank you so much for your heartfelt message. Your appreciation and kind words mean a lot to me. 🤗

I’m glad to know that my support has provided you with hope and comfort. Please remember that you are not alone, and it is entirely okay to seek help and express your feelings.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts about Valentine’s Day. I love your perspective on the day—celebrating not just romantic love but also acts of kindness and love towards everyone. It’s a beautiful way to honor the spirit of love in all its forms.

“You’re right. I am a lost soul who attracted another lost soul. Some say that it is a matter of vibrations and how you feel about yourself and your life. And sometimes even the kindest, most loving women end up with abusers, addicts and controllers as husbands. And women who do not care or even neglect their husbands, end up with the most kind and understanding souls. I don’t really understand that dynamic Anita…”-

– About kind and loving women with abusive partners: people (men and women) are often drawn to what is familiar to them, even if it is not healthy. If someone grew up experiencing neglect and/ or criticism, they might unconsciously seek out romantic relationships that mirror these experiences (relationships where they are neglected and criticized) because it feels familiar and predictable.

As creatures of habit, we resist change, and stepping into a healthy relationship is too much of a change for those of us who grew up in unhealthy relationships. We are afraid of what we are not familiar with. Sticking to familiar patterns seems safer and less intimidating.

Repetition Compulsion is a psychological phenomenon where people seek out situations similar to past traumas of childhood in an attempt to resolve them. By recreating familiar dynamics, they subconsciously hope for a different outcome or some form of closure.

Also, people with Anxious Attachment Style often seek out partners with Avoidant Attachment Style, as the push-pull dynamic feels familiar and reinforces what they believe (not being worthy enough for consistent, dependable love).

Kind and nurturing women may have codependent tendencies, feeling a need to “fix” or support their troubled partners, even at the cost of their own well-being.

About neglectful women with kind partners: some men feel a need to be excessively kind and understanding in the hope to win the woman’s affection and approval, believing in the possibility of positive change. Same is true in regard to neglectful men being with kind partners).

When a child (boy or girl) grows up with an unmet need for love, they often carry a deep longing for affection into adulthood, a deep thirst, a hunger. This unfulfilled desire for love drives them to seek a romantic partner who can fill this void. In essence, they search for a loving parent figure within the context of an adult romantic relationship. Sometimes, this leads them to choose partners who mirror the unloving, even abusive behaviors of their parents, hoping to change them and finally receive the love they craved as children.

“But I agree with you and somehow I wish (even if with my last strength) to break free and find a place for myself where I can feel safe and not to walk on eggshells anymore. I want to try to brake those chains and move on from this dreadful stagnation but don’t really know where to start…”-

– It’s completely understandable to want to escape the anxiety of “walking on eggshells” and to seek a life where you can breathe freely and feel secure. It’s natural to crave trust and dependability in relationships, and it’s heartbreaking when someone you thought you could rely on turns out to be insensitive to your concerns.

Again, growing up with unloving or unavailable parents creates a deep, unfulfilled need for love and validation which can lead us to unconsciously seek out partners who mirror these behaviors (or if partners who start out loving but turn unloving, we stay with them for too long and try to win them over). Recognizing and acknowledging these patterns is the first step.

Practicing self-care and self-compassion are crucial. Problem is, Dafne, that you are living with a mother who is still abusive toward you, or about to become abusive yet again, at anytime (therefore, you are walking on eggshells). Practicing self-care and self-compassion would mean to no longer live with her.

You feel guilty about leaving her. Guilt is keeping you with her, does it?

“Maybe the project really exists”- Maybe the project really exists, but it could still be in the researching and planning stage, which is a phase where many projects often get stuck and never move forward.

“I don’t know if he would accept any therapy or priest but he told me that the only thing that will make him feel better in life was seeing me happy and creating home with me. Empty words?”-

– While he expressed that your happiness and building a home with you are important to him, these statements need to be backed by consistent and reliable actions. It’s similar to his statements in regard to the project: without his words being backed by actions (the next phase of any project), there is no progress, no moving forward.

“I forgot to mention to you that this man was consistent in courting me. He contacted me first. He showed that he liked me. He accepted to start with a friendship. He was different to men I knew before, who chased the physical intimacy first or were hot and cold or disappeared completely…. At the beginning I was very afraid of that new dynamic with him as I was used to meeting people who were not reliable or emotionally unavailable. If I’m being really honest with myself, I got even suspicious of why he was so available and nice to me”-

– The new dynamic with this man, who was consistent and genuinely interested, introduced a positive but unfamiliar experience. You were uncomfortable with this change, suspicious of it. It’s natural to feel suspicious and fearful when faced with something different from what you’re used to. Your initial fear and suspicion are understandable given your past.

Recognizing this pattern is an important step toward change. Embracing the unfamiliar—consistent kindness and genuine interest—can be very difficult, but it’s also a pathway to healthier relationships.

“I will try to send your text over the weekend and see how it goes. Thank you Anita for writing this thoughtful suggestion. If I did not read your text, I would only write: ‘Hi, can we talk? I don’t want things to end this way’ Would that be ok too Anita? Or maybe first send him the short version and if he replies then your version?”-

– Depends on the version of who he is that you currently believe in: is he the spider we’ve been discussing, or is he a loving man?

“I am mourning my childhood almost everyday and weeping for my lack of loving family. I don’t know how to keep living with this reality. It’s incredibly painful for me to have dreams and aspirations in life when I see no hope”-

– Your words deeply resonate with me, and I want you to know that it’s okay to mourn the childhood and the loving family you never had. Your pain is valid: the reality of not having experienced the love and support you deserved as a child is incredibly difficult to bear.

Finding hope amidst such pain can seem overwhelming, but please remember that you are not alone in this journey. It’s important to take small, gentle steps towards healing. While it may feel impossible now, with time and support, you can begin to nurture dreams and aspirations again.

Healing is a gradual process, and it’s okay to take it one day at a time. Allow yourself to feel the pain, but also give yourself permission to seek moments of joy and connection, no matter how small they may seem.

You are worthy of love, and there is hope for a better future. Please be kind to yourself as you navigate this journey, and know that I am here to support you.

Sending you love and strength and lots of hugs to you! 🫂🤗

anita

Dear Dafne:

I will read and reply to you further tomorrow morning, but for now, for today, Happy Valentine Day/ Evening, Dafne 💕💕💕!

anita

Dear Peter:

* To prevent confusion, I want to note that in the first of your two recent post, which you addressed to me, you responded to the content of a post submitted by a different member, Alyssa, who also submitted the most recent post right above.

“If someone broke my trust and stole from me: accountability might mean I ask for the key to my house back and end the relationship. I believe this can be done as an act of love that does not need to be fueled by of anger or the rest of the drama we tend to create. Unless it’s what we need in the moment… but are a least a little conscious we’re doing so”-

– What a refreshing thought: Accountability as an Act of Love. Accountability doesn’t need to be driven by anger or dramatic confrontations. Instead, it can be a measured and thoughtful response, holding someone accountable for their actions in a loving and respectful way.

“My experience of karma isn’t about justice or any such measurement but a natural consequence of action. Karma may not feel like love but as the temporal experience of an Eternal realty I think it is”-

– Karma, the natural outcome of one’s actions, does not always feel like love (pleasant, comforting), nonetheless, they are part of the Temporal experience that reflects the Eternal reality: a deeper, timeless reality that transcends the temporal world.

“I found that a lot of people mistake unconditional love as having to include unconditional allowing…”- People often confuse unconditional love with the idea that they should accept and tolerate all behaviors without holding the other person accountable. While unconditional love means caring for someone deeply, it doesn’t mean accepting harmful or disrespectful behavior. Accountability and responsibility are integral to the experience of love. By holding ourselves and others accountable, we ensure that our actions matter and have significance.

“Jung talked about relationships being the crucible where we discover ourselves..”- Love is a transformative power in the individuation process: relational experiences, including suffering, can purify and transform the self, allowing for personal growth and the potential to develop a pure and compassionate heart.

“It was my thought that because we tend to mistake the ‘map for the territory’…”- There is a need for a healthy understanding and relationship with the word “Love.” This means recognizing and experiencing love in its true, Eternal form (the territory), rather than through the distorted lens of our Temporal expectations and conditions (the map).

“Sitting in contemplation of the possibility that Love has no opposite…”- Unlike other emotions that have clear opposites (e.g., happiness vs. sadness), love is a fundamental and all-encompassing force that exists beyond duality. The sun is perceived to rise and set, but reality is that it simply exists. Similarly, love exists as a constant presence (Eternal reality, the territory), independent of our perceptions and experiences (Temporal perception and interpretations of reality, the map).

“We have been exploring the notion of the Eternal. The Eternal from which all arise and returns…stillness, silence and Love are also not measurements and so have no opposites… Compassion and self-acceptance naturally arise as a gift to ourselves that we can than ‘love others as ourselves’ as they our ourselves.”-

– Beautifully articulated! Reading your words, I feel more comfortable facing the challenges of this life, a life so full of difficulties and suffering. It makes me look forward to more and more moments of stillness, silence and love in this Temporal world, and to the return to stillness, silene and love in the Eternal reality. Thank you Peter!

And I hope you are feeling better…?

anita

Dear Jana:

Thank you for creating this new thread and inviting us to join you on this beautiful journey toward self-compassion. Reprogramming deeply ingrained beliefs, especially those shaped by early years of criticism, requires immense mental and emotional effort. I admire you for your courage in facing this challenge.

I appreciate your intention to make this thread a shared space for all of us. I hope that people who find the words ‘self-compassion’ in your thread’s title through their search engines log into tiny buddha and join in the conversation. Self-compassion is indeed a collective journey, and sharing our experiences can inspire and support one another in putting compassion into practice internally (self-compassion) and externally (compassion toward others).

Self-compassion involves acknowledging and accepting one’s flaws and mistakes with kindness and understanding. People who are perfectionists fear that this approach will make them less disciplined and less likely to achieve their high standards of no-mistakes. They worry that if they are kind to themselves and accept their imperfections, they will lose the drive to strive for excellence and become lazy, that self-compassion will result in lower performance and failure. Perfectionists tend to believe that being hard on themselves is necessary to maintain their high levels of achievement and success.

Contrary to these fears, self-compassion actually promotes resilience. By being kind to ourselves, we can better cope with setbacks and bounce back more quickly. When we view our mistakes as opportunities for learning and improvement, rather than as failures, it leads to personal and professional growth.

Also, perfectionists are at risk of burnout due to their relentless pursuit of perfection. Self-compassion provides a healthy balance, preventing exhaustion and promoting long-term well-being.

Studies have shown that self-compassionate individuals are more motivated and committed to their goals. Treating ourselves with kindness creates a supportive inner environment that fosters sustained overall well-being.

In some ways, I have been a perfectionist, believing that no mistake was acceptable or excusable, and that making no mistakes was the only way I could be okay with myself. I wasn’t afraid that self-compassion would make me weak because I had no idea what self-compassion meant, and I already felt very weak. I wanted so much to be strong but felt that I didn’t deserve to be strong or anything else that was good until such time that I stopped making any mistakes forevermore.

Fast forward: what a relief 😃! I don’t have to be perfect, and I can’t be perfect no matter how hard I try and for how long! Even better: no one can be perfect.. and no one should try the unattainable (sigh of relief)!

I look forward to continuing this conversation and reading from others about their experiences with self-compassion. Thank you for starting this meaningful dialogue.

anita

Dear Dafne:

I read just a bit of your recent post, and I agree with the priest that this man is a lost soul. But I don’t think that it’s your job, nor is it in your ability, to rescue him, to bring peace and healing to him. Maybe the priest/ church can reach out to this man.

I will read your recent post and reply Fri morning (Thurs evening here).

anita

You are welcome, Alyssa and thank you for your kind words. You are doing fine work here, and you are a treasure as well ❤️🙏

anita

Dear Peter:

I hope that you feel better very soon! I will need a hopefully rested and refreshed Thurs morning brain to reply further, but for now, in regard to “the apparent contradiction of someone who is obviously a loving and compassionate person having such a troubled relationship to the word Love?”-

– Today, I am not the same person I was yesterday (yesterday being more than half a century in Temporal terms). It takes resisting the strong inclination to remain the same, and relaxing, opening to change. Not an easy task, or in Eternal terms, not a task at all.

Thank you for the sentiment! I’ll be back to you tomorrow and hope you rest and heal.

anita

Dear Andypandy499:

Thank you for clarifying your actions regarding Facebook. It’s understandable to feel confused and anxious in a situation like this.

It’s commendable that you have respected her wishes by not messaging or calling her. Giving her the space she requested shows maturity and consideration for her feelings, even though it’s difficult for you.

Not being able to express your love daily, especially with the upcoming weekend and the 14th, can amplify feelings of anxiety and sadness. It’s natural to wonder about her plans and feelings during this time.

Overthinking can indeed make your feelings worse. When you find yourself spiraling with thoughts, try grounding techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, or focusing on the present moment otherwise, and remind yourself of the rational perspective you mentioned—she might be at home, working things out in her head. Try to focus on what you know rather than speculating on worst-case scenarios.

It’s a challenging time, but giving her space and focusing on your own well-being are positive steps. Trust that things will become clearer with time. Keep being kind to yourself and remember that you are not alone in this journey.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. Take care of yourself, and I hope you find some peace and clarity soon.

anita