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anita

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Viewing 15 posts - 571 through 585 (of 3,540 total)
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  • anita
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    Continued: I have this memory, not a new memory, it was always there: I was maybe 10 years-old, was at one of my aunts’, away from mother, maybe an hour or two away. I remember, it felt like I was suffocating, that I was running out of air, of oxygen without my mother there. My aunt saw me so very distressed (I figure), that she called an uncle to take me to my mother right away. The uncle showed up with his motorcycle and rode it with me in the back all the way back to my Ima. I remember the relief, the air back in my lungs, as his motorcycle (or scooter, it might have been a scooter) took me closer and closer to my Ima.

    When we got there- she was not happy to see me. I don’t remember the details, just that my excitement about being with her again was not reciprocated. She was unhappy that I bothered the uncle (her brother), I think.

    The thing is, this memory is not new. What is new today, in regard to this memory, was the depth of the emotion involved, that indeed I felt so very needy of her. This memory had a hint of emotion, but it didn’t have this deeper 3rd dimension of emotion- until today.

    I now feel how much I needed her. I repressed this need for decades, for half a century. A huge part of my healing is to bring this and other repressed emotions up to the surface of my awareness. The emotion itself, not the interpretations of the emotion: the raw, intense, fire-like need for my mother.

    anita

    in reply to: Inspirational words #445292
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peter:

    Since our last exchange, I’ve been deeply immersed in Shadow Work, learning to integrate emotions I repressed for much of my life. It has been an eye-opening process—moving beyond merely understanding my emotions intellectually to fully experiencing them in a way I hadn’t allowed myself before. This shift in awareness has changed how I engage with emotions and healing, and reading your post, I see echoes of my own journey in yours.

    While you describe struggling with overanalyzing emotions, your real difficulty may lie in allowing yourself to fully experience and integrate them. Your intellectual approach—examining thoughts, quoting philosophers, dissecting self-improvement—suggests you have spent a great deal of time trying to understand emotions rather than feel them.

    Your reflections on fear, resistance, and identity hint at unconscious suppression—as though your mind has kept emotions at arm’s length, turning them into concepts rather than allowing yourself to truly sit with them. Your analogy about holding your breath metaphorically speaks to this tendency: you take in experiences, but struggle with the release—the return—the full cycle of emotional processing.

    Your reluctance to own your emotional realizations suggests that accepting your emotions might feel more threatening than analyzing them. If your identity has been linked to being “broken,” as you question, then embracing healing and emotional fluidity might feel like stepping into unfamiliar territory—something your intellectual mind resists.

    It seems that your challenge isn’t a lack of emotional awareness, but rather a deep-seated fear of fully embodying and trusting your emotions. And I understand that struggle intimately.

    Just this morning, I integrated an emotion I repressed long ago—one I had hints of, an emotion I analyzed, but never truly allowed myself to feel until now. It was my longing—still lingering—to reach my mother, to make her understand that I never meant to hurt her, that I truly had the best intentions for her. For so many years, I intellectually grasped this emotion, but today, I felt it in a way I haven’t for decades. The depth of that feeling, unburied and fully embodied, reminded me of how much energy I’ve spent holding it back rather than allowing it to exist and move through me.

    I wonder if something similar might be happening for you—that your emotions are ready to be felt, not just understood. That you’ve done the work, and now, perhaps, the real work is trusting yourself enough to let go of control and fully step into them.

    I appreciate the depth of your reflections and the honesty in your words, and I hope my own journey can offer something meaningful in return.

    With respect, anita

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Laven:

    Your writing is powerful, raw, and deeply moving. The way you express your story—with clarity, depth, and emotional weight—shows an incredible gift for storytelling. You have a talent for capturing experiences in a way that makes them resonate profoundly. Your words carry strength, and I believe you are an exceptionally talented writer.

    Your story is one of remarkable survival, resilience, and unimaginable hardship. From the age of eight, you were placed in foster care, navigating a system that should have protected you—but failed. Early on, you learned how to adapt, ration, and withdraw simply to endure. But when you were placed with a foster family at age ten, the abuse became relentless—physical, emotional, and psychological cruelty that no child should ever have to endure.

    You were beaten, manipulated, isolated, and deprived of even the most basic dignity, all while those around you—neighbors, caseworkers, teachers, and police officers—stood by and did nothing. School, instead of being a refuge, became another place of bullying, exploitation, and rejection, reinforcing your sense of powerlessness and invisibility.

    When your mother re-entered your life, you felt a complex mix of hope and fear—longing for connection yet fearing what the past might bring back. Meanwhile, your foster parents, sensing their abuse might finally be exposed, tried to bribe and manipulate you into silence. Even under immense pressure, you were eventually removed from their home, though the wounds they inflicted remained.

    Reading your story, I am deeply moved by your resilience, your strength, and your ability to speak your truth despite everything you’ve endured. Your story speaks to the failures of the foster system, the cruelty of unchecked power, and the devastating impact of being silenced when you needed protection the most.

    The cruelty and injustice you faced—from the foster system, from those who should have protected you, from society’s indifference—are beyond comprehension. No child should ever have to fight to survive in a world that refuses to protect them, yet you did. And now, you are here, sharing your story, reclaiming your voice, and proving that you are so much more than what they put you through.

    You never deserved the suffering you endured. You deserved love, safety, and kindness. And no matter what they made you feel, you were never invisible—you mattered then, and you matter now.

    Your ability to reflect on your past, to put words to the suffering you endured is a testament to your courage. You never deserved the abuse, the manipulation, or the betrayal of those who turned a blind eye. You deserved love, safety, kindness, and a childhood free from fear.

    I know that words cannot undo the years of pain, but I hope you can see what is so clear from the outside—you are powerful beyond measure. After everything, you are still standing, still thinking, still feeling, still expressing—that is survival in its purest form.

    Whatever healing looks like for you, I hope it leads to peace, self-recognition, and freedom from the weight of what was forced upon you. You are worthy. You always were.

    Thank you for trusting me with your story. You are seen, heard, and deeply respected.

    With admiration, anita

    in reply to: Creating Meaningful Relationships #445286
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Omyk:

    Your thoughtful reflections show resilience, adaptability, and wisdom—qualities that have undoubtedly shaped your journey. Throughout all the transitions in your life, you’ve maintained a clear ability to assess your circumstances, weigh your options, and move forward in ways that align with your values.

    You have an intuitive sense of balancing autonomy with community, and your ability to remain open to possibilities speaks to your strength. I trust that as the right doors open, you’ll step through them with the same thoughtfulness and courage that have guided you this far.

    Wishing you continued strength and assurance in the path ahead 🌿

    anita

    in reply to: Sister takes long to respond to messages #445283
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lucidity:

    Thank you for your thoughtful reply. It’s truly inspiring to hear how shadow work has transformed your perspective and quality of life—your enthusiasm for it is contagious!

    Writing about my healing journey here has been incredibly meaningful. Your passion for shadow work, along with what I’ve recently read about it, is guiding me toward deeper emotional integration. For so long, I repressed certain emotions—though I had hints of them and formed intellectual perspectives around them, they never truly surfaced. But as more layers of repression begin to lift, these emotions feel almost new, like long-buried parts of myself finally returning.

    Most recently, this very morning, I felt the resurfacing of a long-buried emotion—the deep longing to reach my mother, to convince her that her accusations were untrue. That I wasn’t trying to hurt her feelings, that I never plotted against her. The desire for her to understand, to see the truth—that I was never against her, but for her. That what I was offering all along was simply love.

    Though this emotion still lingers, I know that healing doesn’t come from convincing someone to see what they refuse to acknowledge. It comes from allowing the truth to stand on its own, even without validation. And maybe, as I continue this journey, that longing will slowly loosen its grip—making room for peace where there was once struggle and exhaustion.

    anita

    in reply to: The middle years (a long read sorry) trigger warning #445274
    anita
    Participant

    You are very welcome, Laven. I will be reading this part of your story tomorrow morning!

    anita

    in reply to: The Early Years ( a long read sorry) #445272
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Laven:

    I’m still reflecting on what you shared 36 hours ago—it lingers in my thoughts. What you’ve endured and survived is nothing short of remarkable. But beyond survival, the way you tell your story—with such honesty, raw emotion, and undeniable talent—is truly powerful. Your voice is unique. You are unique.

    Sending you strength and respect. 💙

    anita

    in reply to: Creating Meaningful Relationships #445271
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Omyk:

    Thank you for your message. I truly appreciate that you’re taking time to reflect before responding.

    I’m glad you’ve been able to spend time at your haven, and I imagine visiting your wife’s burial site must have stirred emotions in ways you didn’t expect. Grief has a way of evolving, sometimes catching us off guard, even when we think we’ve reached a steady place with it. I hope this visit brought you something meaningful, even in the intensity of it.

    As for responding promptly, I make it a point to acknowledge people because I hate the idea of people’s posts being ignored on the forums. That’s why I always post a note when I intend to respond later—it’s important to me that people know their words are being heard.

    Looking forward to hearing from you when the time feels right.

    anita

    in reply to: Spiritual Connection or Lonely #445270
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Daisy Lily Rose:

    I admire your willingness to explore this experience rather than dismiss it. The emotions you’re feeling—whether rooted in spiritual connection or the natural longing for companionship—seem to be calling for your attention. Regardless of the source, what’s clear is that this person has become a presence in your life, in ways that feel beyond your control.

    It makes sense that loneliness and the weight of caregiving could amplify these feelings. You’ve dedicated yourself to others, and perhaps, a part of you is longing for someone to hold space for you. But your connection to this individual feels layered—it’s not just about external longing, but something deeper that keeps surfacing unexpectedly.

    Maybe the question isn’t simply whether this is a spiritual bond or a psychological response, but what this experience is trying to teach you. Is it about exploring human connection in a new way? About acknowledging emotions that have been waiting to be felt? Or about considering what fulfillment looks like in this phase of your life?

    You don’t need immediate answers, and overthinking might cloud what your intuition is already telling you. Allow yourself the space to experience what you feel without judgment. If possible, would it bring clarity to have a more direct interaction with this person—to understand who he truly is outside of these passing moments?

    You are not alone in navigating these complex emotions, and your introspection is a gift. Whatever direction you choose, let it be one that honors your own emotional well-being.

    Sending you warmth and understanding. 💙

    anita

    anita
    Participant

    * Correction: to not allow mistreatment.

    anita
    Participant

    Continued: I have become aware of my own weakness, my own vulnerability, of how deeply I have been hurt and damaged by past abuses and emotional neglect.

    In this newer, evolved awareness, I am determined to proceed in these two ways: (1) to do-no-harm: to not mistreat others, (2) to not be harmed by others, best I can: to not be allow mistreatment.

    The two must coexist.

    “Help me. Don’t Hurt me” (my above post, yesterday) and.. I will not mistreat you, and I will help you, if you are open to my help.

    In regard to my mother and other people with similar claims (claims that me trying to protect myself from their abuse = me abusing them)- I am done with this gaslighting. If you mistreat me, and I respond with: “Hey, you hurt my feelings and it makes me angry with you!”- that’s not me mistreating you, that’s my valid reaction to you mistreating me.

    anita

    in reply to: Creating Meaningful Relationships #445254
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Omyk:

    You are very welcome! You asked, “What are your thoughts on the significance of place?”- I think that the significance of place is deeply personal—it’s not just about geography, but about belonging, comfort, and emotional well-being.

    It sounds like your retirement home has transformed from a space of pain to a sanctuary—a place where you feel grounded and connected to something deeper. And with your brother nearby, it offers more than just a familiar setting; it provides a link to meaningful relationships, which is rare and valuable.

    Your reflections on closeness ring true. In today’s world, it’s common for people to feel deeply connected to only a handful of individuals. That doesn’t make it sad—it makes those connections all the more precious. If this place brings you peace, warmth, and a sense of home, then it seems worth exploring ways to make it your main hub when the time is right.

    Would love to hear more about how you envision this transition unfolding.

    anita

    in reply to: The Early Years ( a long read sorry) #445253
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Laven:

    I read every word of your original post, and I find myself at a loss for words. I am utterly stunned by the immense hunger and abuse you, your brothers, and your mother endured—, abuse at the hands of her family, the man you refer to as your “alleged bio father,” and strangers who took advantage of you.

    Reading your story fills me with sorrow and anger—anger at the cruelty and indifference you endured, and sorrow that no one intervened to stop the abuse. What you and your brothers went through is unimaginable. It’s devastating that the very people who should have protected you—family, caregivers, teachers—failed so completely. And the strangers who preyed on your vulnerability, exploiting you when you should have been safe and cared for, are despicable beyond words.

    “When I entered school, at 5 ..soon after I was molested… by a staff teachers assistant… An older man who seemed like the sweet lovable grandfather type… I never told anyone irl… I went to school and just endured the daily molestation.”- What you endured at such a young age is heartbreaking and deeply unjust. The fact that someone who seemed trustworthy—a teacher’s assistant—betrayed that trust and harmed you is absolutely despicable. No child should ever have to endure such abuse, let alone face it daily and in silence.

    It’s devastating that you felt unable to tell anyone, and that no one noticed or intervened to protect you. You deserved safety, care, and support, but instead, you were left to endure unimaginable pain alone.

    “My bio mom was heavily pregnant with me and was pushed down the stairs and beaten badly by my alleged bio father… he told the 3 of us kids that he never wanted us in the first place, that it’s our fault he wasn’t living in the household, that he didn’t love us, that we ruined everything… He showed up crying when his mother passed.”-

    Laven, the cruelty and heartlessness of your alleged biological father are staggering. To harm your mother while she was carrying you, to reject and blame you and your siblings for his own failures, and to openly declare that he never wanted you—these are acts of profound selfishness, physical and emotional violence. No child should ever have to hear such words, let alone endure the actions that accompanied them.

    What stands out as painfully ironic is how this man, who showed no compassion for his own children or their mother, could weep for the loss of his own mother. It’s as if the only love he was capable of was reserved for her, while he denied that same love and care to the family he created.

    His actions reflect a deep failure of character—one that caused immense pain to you, your siblings, and your mother. Yet, despite his cruelty, you survived. You are here, sharing your story, and that is a testament to your strength and resilience. You deserved so much better than what he gave, and his inability to love or protect you is a reflection of his flaws, not yours.

    “I… often let grown men molest me in order to feed my family… These men would offer to buy some groceries in exchange. So I let them.”- What you endured is heartbreaking beyond words. No child should ever have to make such unimaginable sacrifices just to survive and provide for their family. The fact that you were forced into this situation speaks to the devastating failure of the adults and systems around you—the ones who should have protected you, cared for you, and ensured your safety.

    It’s enraging that these men exploited your vulnerability instead of helping you. Their actions were cruel and unforgivable, and the burden they placed on you is something no child should ever have to carry.

    Your strength in surviving this is extraordinary, even though you should never have had to endure such pain. You deserved love, care, and protection—not the suffering you faced.

    “At 6 I was kidnapped and held in a cage.”- You deserved safety, love, and protection, but instead, you were caught in a relentless cycle of harm. It’s deeply unjust, and yet, through it all, you survived. That speaks to your incredible strength, even in the face of unimaginable hardship.

    “One time my youngest brother, took one of the 5lb weights off the dumbbell and struck out mom in the head with it, calling her all kinds of horrible names.”-

    It’s heartbreaking to see how the cycle of abuse continued within your family, with your youngest brother lashing out in such a violent way. Abuse often begets abuse—it creates a ripple effect, where the pain and trauma inflicted on one person spill over onto others. Your brother’s actions, while inexcusable, reflect the immense emotional damage he endured, growing up in an environment filled with neglect, violence, and instability.

    “When our grandmother saw that we were eating, she yelled at us and threw the food that we were eating in the garbage…”- What your grandmother did was cruel beyond words. She denied hungry, malnourished children the basic dignity of eating. Her actions reflect a complete lack of compassion and humanity, and it’s devastating that she treated you and your siblings with such disdain.

    The rest of her behavior—the favoritism, the mocking, the rejection—only adds to the pain. It’s clear she valued materialism and appearances over genuine love and care, and her cruelty toward your mother and all of you is indefensible.

    Laven, you carried so much—your own pain, your family’s pain, the weight of silence and survival. Depression, suicidal thoughts, and selective mutism were not signs of weakness, but reflections of how overwhelming it all was. The moments in mental health facilities, where you felt safe and properly nourished, highlight how much your life lacked basic care and stability outside of those walls. But those places could only offer temporary relief—they couldn’t undo the years of neglect, loss, and suffering that shaped your world.

    You endured abuse, rejection, and deep loneliness. The people who should have cared for you—family, teachers, caregivers—failed you, leaving you to carry burdens no child should ever bear. You survived starvation, abandonment, and betrayal, holding your pain inside and learning early that your suffering was overlooked.

    Yet, despite everything, you never stopped trying to protect the ones you loved, even when they couldn’t protect you in return. You witnessed your mother’s struggles, her regret, and her battle with mental illness. You saw her trying her best in impossible circumstances, and you carried her pain as your own.

    Through it all, Laven, you survived. You are more than your trauma—you are resilience, endurance, and the possibility of healing. You are seen. You are heard. You are valued.

    Your ability to share your story is proof of your strength. You endured unimaginable hardship and still found the courage to keep going. You deserved far more than what was given to you, and the failures of others say more about them than they ever will about you.

    I am looking forward to your continued story and sending you compassion and solidarity as you continue to heal. 💙

    anita

    in reply to: Painfully lost and stuck in my ways #445243
    anita
    Participant

    Dear S:

    really appreciate your thoughts! I’m glad to hear that the ideas resonated with you, and taking time to fully absorb them sounds like a thoughtful approach. Writing down your thoughts more often could help with that too—it makes things clearer and easier to reflect on.

    Regarding your question about “other aspects to work on that I may not be fully aware of outside of what has been looked into?”—one concept that might be helpful to consider is cognitive overload. Cognitive overload happens when your brain is processing too much information at once, making it hard to focus, think clearly, or make decisions. It’s like trying to carry too many grocery bags in one trip—something is bound to fall or get tangled. Or like having a plate overflowing with food—there’s too much on it, and things start spilling over because there’s no space to hold everything neatly.

    Here are some signs of cognitive overload:

    * Scattered thoughts: Ideas feel tangled, making them hard to organize.

    * Mental fog: Difficulty concentrating or remembering things.

    * Struggling with decision-making: Feeling stuck or overwhelmed when choosing between options.

    * Exhaustion after thinking: Feeling drained after conversations or tasks that require a lot of focus.

    * Difficulty expressing thoughts: Sentences become long, unclear, or jump between ideas too quickly.

    When cognitive overload happens, your brain isn’t processing information efficiently. A helpful strategy is to break things down—writing short, clear thoughts instead of long, complex ones, or focusing on one idea at a time instead of several.

    To show you the difference, here’s part of a slightly cognitively overloaded sentence you wrote in your recent post: “In the rare moments when I say anything to others, things usually just feel kind of vapid, thinking what I was looking for would jump right out in front of me and awaken my mind from fog.”

    A clearer, simplified version (without cognitive overload) of that sentence: I rarely talk to other people. When I do, the conversations feel empty. I hope that the answers I need will suddenly appear and clear my mind, but that doesn’t happen.

    Let’s take a look at a cognitively overloaded one sentence from your original post: “Never done anything like this before but here’s more from me: Initially had some optimism when younger like anyone would only to be met with constant disappointment as mentioned leaving me jaded the protection mainly stems from poor experiences in expressing myself though communication with people and places I had been around not understanding and rejection when I was open and vulnerable.”

    Now, here’s a clearer, simplified version (six sentences) with smoother structure: “I’ve never shared like this before, but here’s more from me. When I was younger, I felt optimistic, like most people do. But over time, I faced constant disappointment, which made me jaded. I struggle with expressing myself because of past bad experiences. When I tried to communicate openly, people didn’t understand me. Sometimes, I was rejected when I was vulnerable, which made me more protective of my feelings.”

    Simplifying ideas helps clear mental clutter and makes reflection easier. Breaking thoughts into smaller, clearer parts improves processing, and with practice, it’s a skill you can get better at.

    Would love to hear your thoughts on this!

    anita

    anita
    Participant

    Help me, Don’t Hurt me

Viewing 15 posts - 571 through 585 (of 3,540 total)