Dear Lulu:

I am so sorry, Lulu, that your sister’s cancer is now at stage 4, and that understandably, you are in much pain.

You ended your today’s post (Oct 27, 2024) with: “I feel so stuck. I wish, more than anything, I could heal her. I wish I could do it all over again, I wish I could accept it more easily. The only thing I can do is cry, hold her and record. It’s all I have. I’m not certain I’ll ever be ok ever again.“-

– You expressed above how much you wish that you could heal her. You may not be able to heal her, but you can help her. On May 1 this year, five months and 26 days ago, you wrote (I am adding the boldface feature selectively here): “A large part of me wants to go into the psychology field to learn my place in the world both socially and mentally, and to explore a side of myself that I find uncomfortable or disconnected so that I could help others.”

Helping others is a high value for you, something that you are passionate about. Let this passion keep you strong and determined to live and help yourself and others.

“She’s always been a leader, not a follower… She’s an artist… She’s a perfectionist. She spent hours practicing her curves until it was perfect, and threw away so many art pieces and drawings because they ‘weren’t good enough’… She was a straight-A student throughout middle school… She was always surrounded by her friends… She doesn’t complain; she always makes the best of things… always spoke her mind… Above all else, though, she’s always been my best friend… I was always the writer, and she was the artist.. My sister is so strong… She always tries to do the right thing“-

– I notice how at times you refer to her in the past tense. I notice your great love for her. Your great love for her is never going to be in the past tense, is it. Fueled by your love for her, make some of your sister’s ways be your ways: be more of a leader, less of a follower. Make the best of things.. best you can. Speak your mind more often. Be a best friend to others. Continue to be the writer, the talented writer that you are. Be strong. Continue to try to do the right thing.

Here is a poem that appeared first in Dec 1934, close to 90 years ago, in its original version (under the title Immortality): “Do not stand at my grave and weep- I am not there; I do not sleep.- I am a thousand winds that blow.- I am the diamond glints on snow.- I am the sunlight on ripened grain.- I am the gentle autumn rain.- When you awaken in the morning’s hush- I am the swift uplifting rush- Of quiet birds in circled flight.- I am the soft stars that shine at night.- Do not stand at my grave and cry;- I am not there. I did not die.”

It’s good to read from you again, Lulu, 2 months and 25 days since you posted last (Aug 2, 2024). I would like to read from you again and again. It’s a privilege to read your heart-felt, talented and insightful posts.

anita

Dear Nik:

Having read all that you shared, this is what I understand happened, and please correct me in places where I didn’t understand correctly:

In 2020 & 2021, you didn’t date anyone following a decision to be celibate. In 2023- 2024 you dated women. In July 2024, you moved to San Francisco to further your career. There, you met a man, “a tech leader—handsome, athletic, blue eyes, seemingly perfect“, and dated him for seven weeks, “going on romantic dates like Broadway shows, dinner by the water… He never pressured me for sex, and I really thought we were building something special“.

And then he ghosted you, “It was like everything we’d shared disappeared overnight. I was devastated… suddenly, it was over without a word. I felt emotionally gutted“.

At that vulnerable state, your 7-year mentor, who was interested in you romantically while you were not interested in him romantically, introduced you to his associate (for career purposes), an engineer who owns a makerspace. You understood that his associate was “the best engineer in the city and they build robots/laser… soon to be worth millions“.

His associate was not a man you were attracted to in any way, other than his career- related capabilities and potential. He pressured you to be his girlfriend, and you agreed. The two of you started a company together, and, although you had your own place, you lived mostly with him in his makerspace, which had a bathroom and a very simple kitchen, but no shower. There you lived without basic self-care, working together on projects.

One night, after a long day of work, the two of you got drunk and had sex. “He told me he couldn’t use condoms, and in my vulnerable state, I didn’t resist“. Next, he talked about babies with you, telling you that at 26, you are running out of time, pressured you to act like a wife by cleaning the makerspace, doing his laundry and cooking for him. But when you asked him to help you with your rent at your own place, he refused, saying, ‘That’s wifey privileges. If we were married, I’d help.“. As the two of you “were having unprotected sex regularly“, he talked about getting you pregnant, telling you, “‘If you got pregnant, I’d just marry you’… all while refusing to offer real support for my basic needs“.

After all was said and done, you lost your decision to be celibate, you lost your 7-year mentor because you got romantically- physically involved with his associate, you didn’t benefit financially from all the work you did in the makerspace, and you don’t know if you are pregnant or not (true to 15 hours ago when you submitted your original post). As I understand it, the relationship with the associate is over, you are out of his makerspace and back to your own place (or perhaps the relationship is not completely over..?)

“I gave up my celibacy, my mentor, and my independence for this man. Now, he’s still working on his projects while I’m left picking up the pieces. He told me ‘… I’m not handing you money so forget it’ after unprotected sex planning a baby… How do I even begin to recover from this?… Any advice or support would be appreciated. I don’t even know where to begin.”- I would begin with treating yourself with empathy at this time of loss and distress.

You need care and best that you will be the one caring for yourself at this time.

When you are calmer, you can learn from these experiences best you can, and make better choices in the future. With better choices, these losses may pave your way to success. If you would like to discuss with me all that you can learn from your recent experiences, please let me know.

anita

Dear Clara:

I am fine, thank you for asking and good to read your update. I am glad to read that you have a new friend, a caring and understanding friend who is easy to talk to (spark or no spark)!

“Yes I remember the qualities I am looking for now“- remember the qualities you are looking for, and don’t allow the next spark (when it occurs) to.. cause you to forget.

“I saw a photo of a cat which is available for adoption. When I went to meet him, he was very nervous, I could not even touch him. That got me thinking: I like him in the photo, but he seems to be so nervous of me, would I be able to handle him? It’s like I had sparks, but then the characters seem to be not matching. I guess it can take time for them to warm up, especially he was a stray cat in his early life… I am pondering on this, on whether I should adopt him and develop (a relationship literally) with him“- I wouldn’t adopt a pet who acts nervous of me, until he/she (after several visits) calms down around me.

About sparks: you looked at a photo of the cat=> the image in the photo produced sparks in your mind/ heart=> you met the cat in-person, and the cat’s character (or personality) did not  match the sparks-producing image.

This is why when you feel sparks for a person next time, don’t operate under the influence of sparks (similar to not operating heavy machinery under the influence of alcohol). Calm the sparks long enough to actually get to know the person’s personality and character.

“I also, recently applied to be a volunteer on  a weekly basis, to one of the shelter for children. They are either abandoned/ in foster care, what I will do is, to provide individual attention (and attachment figure I assume) for these kids. I find this really fascinating and this excites me, as I am exploring my attachment and trying to help myself feeling more secure…“- I am excited myself, excited to read this, that you will be helping children who need help, becoming their positive, reliable, weekly attachment figure, and further exploring your own (changing) attachment style through such volunteer work. Excellent, noble initiative on your part!

“Will update again later, wish you well!“- thank you. I wish you well and will be looking forward to your next update!

anita

Dear Manjot:

If I understand correctly, the two of you dated for a year, and at the end of the year (4 months ago), she told you that because her parents disapproved of the relationship, she had to break up with you, but you suspect that she was not honest with you (that she lied to you), and that the real reason she broke up with you was that “she didn’t care… I meant nothing to her“. Recently, you found out that she is dating someone new.

“I feel betrayed. I feel used. Maybe she never loved me. Maybe she didn’t think I was the one.. I feel really miserable right now. Time hasn’t been kind to me. I really need help. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to bear this pain. We see each other everyday in class and seeing her with her new boyfriend I feel devastated. Please help me.“-

– I understand that you feel very, very hurt. Clearly, you grew very much emotionally attached to her. It would be very painful for anyone in your place (being very emotionally attached to a person, then broken up with, and lastly seeing the person you are still attached to.. with someone else).

In your pain, you see things in extremes. It’s probably not that she never loved you, but that she loved you but doesn’t anymore. She may love the new guy now, but that doesn’t mean that she will love forever.

The two of you are very young (college?) and breakups and heartaches are common, especially in your ae group. There are many people experiencing your pain. You are not alone. This pain will pass, hopefully sooner than later.

It is difficult for you to move on because (1) you attend the same school and you see her (and her new love-interest) every day in class, and (2) unlike her, you are not dating someone new. Dating someone new often weakens the emotional attachment to a previous romantic partner. Did you have any desire, in the last 4 months, to date someone new, or were you curios about such a possibility?

anita

Dear Dave:

I want to read and reply to you more thoroughly this morning:

You (38) and her (30) are both new divorcees, and she has two small children and a job, always very busy. You saw each other every Tuesday for 4 months (that’s 16 times), plus one vacation and a couple of other random nights. Total 18 in-person meetings and a vacation (of a couple of days, I am assuming, being that she is very busy).

“It was very hot and very fast… It felt like we had both known each other forever… Constant contact all day every day the entire 4 months: multiple forms of media, all initiated by her. Then last week, the dreaded break up text out of the blue. No call, no talk“- reads like she lost interest in you/ in a relationship with you.

I am sorry, I know that it hurts when this happens.

Re-reading the message she sent you, “‘I can’t commit to someone else at this time, it’s not fair that I can’t see you more than once(ish) per week, we’re in different stages of life“- reads like she referred to a dissatisfaction that you expressed to her about not being able to see he more often than once per week. And seems like she was referring (?) to an interest in commitment that you expressed to her. It may be that facing your expressed interest in seeing her more often and in being committed to each other.. she withdrew, not interested.

“Then last week, the dreaded break up text out of the blue… It had seemed like in the week before the texting had lessened a bit“- the breakup was out of the blue for you, but in the making for a week, on her end. Looking at the title of the thread you chose to post in, “I just randomly and suddenly fell out of love“, reads like it seemed random and sudden to you, but it took at least a week, a week of contemplation perhaps, on her part.

Back to her breakup message: “it’s nothing you did and there’s no one else, I think you’re a great person“- maybe she referred here to self-doubt that you expressed to her, as in concerns that you said or did something wrong.. (?) Maybe she meant it (and I tend to believe that she did mean it), that she values you as a person. Nonetheless, these words, this reassurance is often used to deliver breakups so to promote peace, to prevent anger on the part of the person one is breaking up with.

“I can meet with her whenever she wants…the idea of sending 50 messages to her every day (like the previous 120 days) felt innate at this point“- you were willing and able to see her whenever she wanted, and you sent her 50 messages every day for 120 days.

“I can’t imagine this doesn’t feel eerily weird to her as well. When she has her kids she’s probably very busy, but when she doesn’t she has to notice the gap in her life.  She also has a much larger family/friend support group than I do, which may allow her to keep her mind busier than mine“- you don’t have children and not many interactions with family and friends. She has many more interactions with family and friends (when she is not too busy), and she has two children who emotionally and physically depend on her. The gap that the breakup leaves in your life is therefore larger than the gap left in her life. Her absence from your life leaves a big gap, and therefore it feels eerily weird.

Reads like emotionally and socially, you needed her more than she needed you. Perhaps, having two children who emotionally depend on her, she didn’t want another dependent, so to speak: a man emotionally depending on her..?

“I believe it’s not the length of the relationship that matters, but the depth. I feel almost ridiculous saying a 4-month relationship was so deep, but this one hit differently in my heart for whatever reason. I think that is all for now. Happy to share more info as needed“- is the depth you are referring to, is it the depth of your need for her?

When you say “this one hit differently in my heart“, do you mean differently than previous relationships/ marriage affected you, and if so, how?

anita

Dear Calm Moon:

You are very welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation. I am glad to read that the heaviness on your shoulders became lighter!

“1. My manager also talks with excitement as you described. It irritates me, and I don’t understand why“- because it’s hard on the brain, it overwhelms the neural capability of the brain.

“She reduces my productivity and motivation“- her excessive, excitable talk (and other behaviors) overwhelm the brain and makes it less productive, and exhausted. When we’re exhausted we want to rest, to do nothing.

“She tries to micromanage me but leaves me alone when I have a heavy workload“- reads like she is unstable, having a mood disorder, impulsivity.

“She also attempts to transfer many responsibilities to me, which is unfortunately common pattern in my life. Wherever I am, people sense that I’m responsible and overload me with tasks“- assertiveness skills will help.

“2. She brings me gifts, but it makes me uncomfortable. I sense a kind of fake energy. Because I feel this way about her kind gestures, I sometimes think that I’m the problem, not her“- I understand. I too felt uncomfortable with my mother’s kind-appearing gestures. Like I said, either her gestures were fake (aimed to show that she is a good person), or, if and when they were genuine, there was too much of a backlog of her disrespectful/ abusive/ distressing behaviors imprinted in my brain, so I couldn’t appreciate, enjoy and reciprocate her affection. I too thought that I was the problem and I felt guilty. But I wasn’t guilty, and neither are you in your situation.

“3. She frequently complains about others and shares every single detail about them“- she reads more and more like my mother.

“4. I will try to reduce my side projects with her, but it might take some time. Because she’s so clingy, I find it difficult to stop everything at once. I’m afraid that if I end things suddenly, she’ll be angry and give bad recommendations. But life is too short to tolerate all of this, so I will stand up for myself.“- reduce projects, minimize contact, show her respect while exercising assertiveness skills. For example, when you are trying to focus on your work while she is talking to you, tell her politely that you need to focus on your task at hand, and that maybe you can talk later..?

anita

Dear Calm Moon:

You are welcome!  “I don’t understand why people behave like this. I thought I was going crazy because she behaves as a nice person generally. Are they traumatized?“- let’s look at her behaviors (the boldfaced are your words): She interrupts you when you are trying to concentrate on your work. She constantly wants to chat and complains a lot. She constantly messaged you throughout the days when you were on sick leave, asking you when you’d be back to work. When you were sent to courses in regard to work, she constantly asked you, in a very rude way, to attend the courses.

She is generally too intrusive, too controlling and non-negotiable. She appears to be open to others’ ideas, but in the end, she pushes her ideas. She supported you when you wanted to advocate for a higher salary for yourself, but in the end, she discouraged you from doing that. She behaves as a nice person generally, she seems to be friendly, but many of her actions and words don’t align.

Seems to me that she is stressed/ anxious, impulsive, needy, self- centered and lacking integrity (consistency, reliability): appearing nice, listening and accommodating and then shifting to acting pushy and aggressive.

Her compulsive, excessive talking and messaging may be a result of severe anxiety, ADHD, Bipolar disorder (excessive talking during manic episodes), substance  abuse, some other cause or a combination of causes.

Can I help somehow?“- it is kind of you to think of helping the person around whom you feel suffocated and exhausted. Did she ever complain to you about her own thoughts/ feelings/ behaviors bothering her (or does she always complain about other people’s behaviors bothering her)?

“I will try to minimize my communication with this person. I really want to get another position and try to minimize my interaction. What kind of advice would you give in such situation?“- when I read your original post yesterday, the thought that first occurred to me was: get another position! Minimizing and better, avoiding any communication with her is best.

My mother (she was divorced since I was 6 or so and functioned pretty much as a single mother) suffered from severe anxiety/ stress and she talked A LOT. When she was at home, home was a TALKING a LOT Torture Chamber (TLTC, if you will, lol). Her excitable, going up and down, on and on, fast paced, non-stop talking was like a gun pointed at me and releasing a barrage of bullets. Bullets that were not fatal, but they damaged my brain nonetheless (I was later diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome, OCD, Major Depression, and other mental health disorders). Not only her Talking-a-lot damaged my brain, but the content of her talking as well, which carried this strong message: I am Good. Everyone is Bad and trying to Hurt me. You, anita, are Bad, and you are trying to hurt me!  She then proceeded to punish me for my alleged (untrue) intent and plans to hurt her, by calling me names, shaming me at great lengths, guilt-tripping me at great lengths and hitting me.

She was also nice to me: buying me toys and clothes and school supplies, always feeding me with tasty, expensive foods. I remember her taking the bus and walking a lot just so to get me my favorite marzipan cake. What motivated her? Guilt (which she never expressed verbally)? Affection? I don’t know. I do know that I would rather eat the simplest, most inexpensive foods and have minimal 2nd hand clothing and toys than be a subject to abuse. But the combination of niceness and abuse confused me for decades. I would have been better off (once I no longer lived with her) if she was only abusive. Confusion blocks healing.

Once I was a teenager, I read psychology books and tried to help her by sharing what I read with her and giving her advice but my success rate was zero. Many years later, after decades of failed efforts to help her (financially as well), I realized that she helped herself to me already by relieving her stress through talking to and abusing me.

Back to your manager: when she constantly wants to chat and complains a lot to you, she is helping herself to you, transferring her stress to you, and in so doing, experiencing temporary relief. She lowers her stress level and increases yours. Increased stressed on an ongoing basis leads to depression and exhaustion: “It sucks energy out of me…  I feel depressed and suffocated around her“. This is a Win (temporary, for her)- Lose (long- term, for you) relationship.

“Thank you for your warm words about my loss. It changed the whole world for me and I was turned upside down inside. I found that grief is a full time job.“-again, you are welcome  and I am sorry for your loss. If (and only if) it may help you to share more, please do.

anita