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anitaParticipantNo requirements for a stream of consciousness journaling.. says I.
I’ll apply morning-focus Friday morning.
But for now, Thurs night, completely dark, red wine- an unfocused journaling:
..What? What? Nothing comes to mind.
But something will.
Fleetwood Mac in the background.
What comes to mind..?
L.I.F.E comes to mind: P.A.S.S.I.O.N for life.
Life moves through me.
Feels like a desire to.. conquer life, to fully live before dying.
… See me dancing in that photo?
That’s me.. me inviting YOU to dance with me
Dance with me, Sing with me..
When you’ve known death-while-not yet dead- for way too long-
A passion inside- a passion to BE, to BELONG, to DANCE.. to CELEBRATE the little that’s left.
There’s this spike of Life- Passion.. right before the cessation of life.
Don’t ever be fooled by the face of an old person.. you never know how much passion is in that old heart.
And how much death in a young person’s heart.
Let us be kind to each other, young and old.
Young or old is a matter of nothing but timing…
Elvis Persely (YouTube): “Yesterday when I was young… So many happy songs were waiting to be sung”-
The songs waiting to be sung.. I will dance them away this very Saturday night.. Best times ever, under the sky, a live band, local.
Closing, Thurs nigh, 10:30 pm.. D.A.R.K.
Anita
anitaParticipantGood to read back from you, S! I will reply further tomorrow morning (it’s Thurs eve here)
anitaParticipant* Better I reply in the morning, not focused now 😊
anitaParticipantThank you for the replies, Gerald! I’ll reply further when I am back to the computer at the end of the day.
🤍Anita
anitaParticipantHi Eva:
I just want you to know—what you’re feeling makes complete sense. You gave so much in this relationship, and what you received back was confusing, hurtful, and unbalanced. But.. thing is, none of his behavior was a reflection of your worth. Not his emotional distance. Not his avoidance. Not the withholding, the gaslighting, or the lack of care when you were crying. That’s not about you being “not enough.” That’s about him not being emotionally equipped.
These behaviors likely existed long before you ever met him. They weren’t created in reaction to your love—they were already part of how he moved through life, how he coped (or didn’t) with intimacy, vulnerability, and responsibility. You simply stood close enough to feel the impact.
You tried everything. You were patient, expressive, brave. You even softened yourself to match the absence in him. That kind of emotional labor deserves recognition—not regret. And it’s not proof that you failed. It’s proof that you gave someone more than they could hold.
So the heartbreak now isn’t just about losing him. It’s about breaking free from the illusion that if only you had done more, he would have finally chosen you fully. But he couldn’t. Because he didn’t know how—not with you, not with anyone.
Please don’t confuse his limitations with your value.
Healing begins when we stop chasing validation from someone who couldn’t even see us—and start asking: Why did I stay so long in a place that kept asking me to shrink?
Your worth is intact. It’s whole. It’s waiting to be seen by someone capable—not just of loving, but of honoring love when it’s offered.
With care, Anita
anitaParticipantHi Gerard 🙂
Thank you for sharing this—it reads like a heartfelt reflection, and I admire how thoughtful you are in considering not just your own feelings, but the feelings of your guests. Your empathy shines through.
It seems that your care for others—the desire to make people feel welcome and valued—is at the core of your discomfort. You gave generously years ago, and likely hoped that same spirit would continue now. Watching your daughter act more distantly feels out of sync with that legacy, and it’s natural you’d feel disappointed, maybe even confused.
I also sense that part of what’s bothering you is not just the visitors’ experience, but your own: feeling constrained, unable to express your full hospitality because of your daughter’s boundaries. You want to make it right, and yet you’re being asked to step back.
It’s wise of you to acknowledge that there may be dynamics you don’t fully see. People change, relationships evolve, and what might seem cold from the outside could reflect personal shifts, emotional distance, or even boundaries your daughter feels she needs to hold.
What stands out to me most is your compassion—the way you place yourself in the shoes of others, even when it stings. That’s not something to roll past, but to honor. You feel deeply. And yes, sometimes imagined disappointment is still real for the person imagining it.
Maybe the kindest path forward is to trust that you did offer warmth, and to let your daughter guide the rest. Sometimes loving someone means respecting the shape of their boundaries—even when they feel unlike our own.
Sending you understanding and encouragement. It’s clear your heart’s in the right place.
Warmly, Anita
anitaParticipantHow are you, Nichole?
anitaParticipantHow are you, S?
July 24, 2025 at 6:35 am in reply to: The phenomenon of “helping someone excessively can make them turn against you” #447895anitaParticipantHow are you, Arden??
anitaParticipantHow are you, Clara?
July 24, 2025 at 6:29 am in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #447893anitaParticipantHow are you, Robi?
anitaParticipantHow are you, Lisa?
anitaParticipantHow are you, Laven?
anitaParticipantI see so much good in people, such that I didn’t see before.. so much good I missed, good intention, goodwill..
There’s a lot to build on.. to unite, not divide; to forgive, not revenge.
9:11 pm, Wed night, July 23.. light outside. Birds chirping.. all is good.
Anita
anitaParticipantWhen revenge rules, unbearable destruction follows: physical, mental.. (mental IS physical)
Underneath it all is Love.. Love unreciprocated, love misinterpreted. Love punished.
Maybe we all want to be seen as LOVE.. but our love distorted, is the source of all evil.
Anita
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