Dear Mary:

“But now I cant get images out of my head and wondering if I’ll ever leave the past in the past. I am an overthinker… cant stop imagining that he was with someone else“- I can relate to you, I went through the same kind of suffering that you are describing here, and I too was an overthinker. In fact, I suffered from OCD (eventually diagnosed) from an early age.

“This man has always been loyal and honest… He was my first and I met him when I was 18 so with this man has been my first for everything. “- from my experience this obsessive kind of suffering is not about whether the boyfriend is honest and loyal, or not. Instead, it’s about an early hurt in childhood (before you ever met him) that got triggered and goes on and one through images and imaginings. In my case, it was my loneliness as a child, being mistreated by my mother. That was an early and ongoing betrayal, very intense. For as long as it was unresolved, it got triggered and re-triggered.

Do you relate..?

anita

Dear Zenith:

“Sometimes  its hard for me to regulate my anger and I yell at her. I know I have to change this habit.  Sometimes I get frustrated with her behavior“- yes, regulate your anger. Easy to say, difficult to do,  I know, but a worthy goal nonetheless, it really is! Your daughter can learn emotion regulation by watching you model it/ practice it successfully.

“She wants.. a to toy or key chain every week. My husband spoils her with all the toys.“- if she gets a toy every time she wants it, she doesn’t get a chance to regulate the emotions that take place when a child does not get what she wants when she wants it..

anita

Dear Acatrini: I appreciate your post. I wish that Aiko, the original poster, will reply to you, but his last post here was submitted on Sept 27, 2019 (in 4 days, it will be five years ago), so i doubt that he follows this thread, but .. maybe. If you would like to post more, here on this thread, or in your own thread that you may start on any topic, please do.

anita

Dear Zenith:

I am fine, thank you! “My little one is giving me a hard time nowadays. Its been happening since last year once she started kindergarten. She keeps throwing fit for every little thing. From waking up in the morning to the time she goes to bed. She wants control over everything she does. Nowadays she  talks back and saying really mean things to us. It’s hurting my mental health“- I am not a professional of any kind, but her behavior reads like ODD.

Cleveland clinic. org: “Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) is a condition in which your child displays a pattern of uncooperative, defiant and angry behavior toward people in authority. ODD is treatable with psychotherapy and parent management training…

“It’s common for children — especially those two to three years old and in their early teens — to be oppositional or defiant of authority once in a while. They might express their defiance by arguing, disobeying or talking back to adults, including their parents or teachers. When this behavior lasts longer than six months and goes beyond what’s usual for your child’s age, it might suggest that they have ODD…

“Parent management therapy (PMT) is the main treatment for oppositional behaviors. It teaches parents ways to change their child’s behavior in the home by using positive reinforcement to decrease unwanted behaviors and promote healthy behaviors… PMT has been shown to decrease conduct problems in multiple contexts and family backgrounds significantly…”. You can read more about if you are interested.

“Recently, I stopped talking to my neighbor as she is busy with her other set of friends/ group… I put my ego aside, two weeks ago I asked my neighbor to send her kid to our house…. It hurt me so much. I hate her now. I am trying to distance myself from her. But my little one keeps reminding about T. I hate it. She has time to meet her group of friend very often like three four times in a week. But she doesn’t have time for me now. I  am trying to move on but my kid always reminds me about her.“- I know this is a sore point for you and a trigger. And I would feel the same if I was you. Can’t change your neighbor’s behaviors and preferences.. Do you think that the neighbor will respond more favorably to her kid playing with your kid if your husband called her, or called her husband with the suggestion of getting the two kids together?

anita

Dear Klast:

“I don’t touch alcohol much, because it will make the brain fog side effect, of my duty of care medication, even stronger… I drive a forklift every day at work. I know how strong the fog is because the couple of times I missed a dose, I had a minor headache but my thoughts were much clearer and stronger than normal. I feel like I am being chemically restrained from fully engaging in life, by a society that is fearful of the effects of my brain damage. Even if I change to another similar drug, my driver’s license would be taken away until the docs thought I was ‘safe’, which could end up being never“-  I am guessing that no doctor or medical facility will support you in getting you off the medication because none wants to be made legally responsible if getting off the medication was to turn out badly for you, there’s a medical- treatment protocol that they are adhering to. I am guessing that if you want to get off the medication, your only option would be to do it without medical counsel and support..?

I was on 3 kinds of psychiatric medications 1995- 2013, including a very difficult kind to get off from: Clonazepam, which is a Benzodiazepine. My first psychiatrist (1995- 2010) gave me the prognosis that I will always need these (or similar) psychiatric medications. Half a dozen of serious efforts to get off those failed. Finally, I got help from a 2nd psychiatrist, and a therapist (2011-13) and succeeded. My thinking is clearer, the fog is gone, and my mental health is way better. I have11 years of psychiatric-medications- freedom. The only disadvantage is that ever since I stopped, I rarely sleep throughout the night, it feels like a miracle when I do.

“After my BC surgery, my medical team was legally supposed to have had my license suspended. Fortunately for me, they knew how hard it would be to get it back. So they trusted me not to drive, and didn’t notify the transport department.  Something I am really thankful for. My current GP said that it was a massive breach of duty of care on their part, and they shouldn’t have done it“- that’s amazing, that your medical team was.. not afraid of legal consequences? I am glad that your D.L was not suspended because no one was hurt and it’s feels good to be trusted, doesn’t it?

“I got over that feeling when I started regularly diaphragmatic breathing, Its sort of like floaters in your eyes, you look through them 99% of the time. Now I only notice my mild PT when things are quiet, and I write it off to ‘just another brain damage side effect’“- I am thinking about cancelling the brain scan (yet to be made) appointment. Because let’s say an artery in my brain is somewhat blocked or twisted: what can be done about it other than brain surgery.. I don’t want a brain surgery for something people can live with, people like you.

“Finding my centre is how I have got myself 4 years ahead of the BC reoccurrence curve“- I hope that you can tell me more about finding your center means to you.

“I visualise BHC like a universe wide cosmic 5th dimension that we are all connected to, like the force in star wars…’… vast, interconnected webs of energy that underlie all physical reality.’ Supposedly animals tap into this directly, humans used to be able to… but we’ve pretty much lost it due to becoming obsessed with technology and ‘stuff’“- yes, I remember now: I too used to think of it as an additional dimension, a dimension that cannot be measured. How do animals tap into it..?

“Our chats have helped me to ground myself. Helped me gather my thoughts for my next therapist session.“- thank you for saying this. Typing out my thoughts in response to a quote from you, then quoting the next part and responding to it (before reading the 3rd), etc.,  makes it possible for me to think in an orderly way/ to process information.

anita

Dear Klast: I am looking forward to read and reply Mon morning (It is Sun evening here).

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

Thank you for your appreciation! “As my natural self is revealing itself, the conflict is the thought ‘stop this is too much expression!’“-

– your use of natural self makes me think of Shakti (in the title of your thread). Wikipedia/ shakti: “Shakti in Hinduism, is the ‘universal power‘ that underlies and sustains all existence…  According to the Monier-Williams dictionary, Shakti is the Sanskrit feminine term meaning ‘energy, ability, strength, effort, power, might, capability‘, and ‘capability for‘, or ‘power over‘”.

May you access and maintain access to Shakti every day, every night, and so,  have power over the voice that tells you this is too much expression.

“In these moments K has seen me start to go back into my shell and looked at me with curiosity as I am hiding in my turtle shell… And as he starts to reveal himself, it brings me out of my shell again… K is very receptive to what I tell him I need to feel more comfortable, and not only does he not react as though it is inconvenient to him, he acts with admiration that I know what I need and he is happy to give it“- a perfect match for a sea turtle!

“This neutral and positive response from him lets me hear this conflict in me. Rather than F and N looking at me confused and irritated, which only adds to what is going on in my head and I can’t even hear myself because of the new thoughts their reactions create“- excellent insight, I am impressed!

From your post to Helcat: “I think this is how I live my life, I am in automatic for a while then I hit some sort of wall that doesn’t make sense to me, so then I have to pause and see more of my unknown unknowns before I can move forward. Sometimes I even get anxious, just wanting to know all the things I don’t know before I move forward so not to make a mistake or not live my life to the fullest“- I am thinking that if you access and maintain access to Shakti, you will not be anxious, not for as long as you and Shakti are One. I want to adopt this concept today.

“Maybe this is also why I was away from this forum for a while, because I came here in my state of knowing there were unknown unknowns, and You and Anita, helped me see so much. Then I ran on automatic with my new eyes, and now I am looking to see more once again. I wonder if this window of running on automatic, shortens over time and my capacity to see unknown unknowns broadens, and at some point I will be constantly seeing the unknown unknowns, and living as wise as I can..“- I am thinking that to tap into/ to be One with Shakti, it takes trusting yourself to be a good person first, because you wouldn’t allow a bad person all that power and capability. I wouldn’t.

When I believed or suspected that I was a bad person, I wasn’t able to be spontaneous most of the time. I was regularly hesitant, careful; I waited, postponed, retreated, scared of making mistakes. Because a mistake by a bad person.. is a big, bad mistake.

A short walk down memory lane- Oct 11, 2023 (your third post in this thread): “I have wondered before if I am a narcissist and a taker in life”- this is you suspecting that you are a bad person.

Same revealing post: “Every 3 months, not an exaggeration, we would have what he began to call ‘house cleaning’ where we would sit down and he would list all the ways I had exemplified being ‘ungrateful’ at his house“- in other words, every 3 months he would list the ways you were a bad daughter/ a bad person.

And your reaction (same 3rd post): “while I lived with him I went through a lot of suicidal thoughts  and running away attempts“- thinking about killing the.. alleged bad person (yourself), and running away from the person who sent you this painful message that you are a bad person.

On Oct 13, I wrote to you: “For a young child, a parent is like a mirror facing the child…  similar to your father in suggesting that you didn’t care about him, my mother suggested the same, and she went on long tirades about how- not only did I not care about her- but that I wanted to hurt her feelings, that I made elaborate plans to hurt her, etc. All untrue, paranoid-like. She was my mirror and her presenting me as BAD, when I was not.. was a different kind of darkness in that mirror”.

Your response, same day: “It is so interesting that you bring up the mirror metaphor, I had never heard this before until just today…  I would cry every time my dad would go on this tirade, because I am someone who cares so deeply for people, so that he accused me of the opposite made me feel so lost, made me wonder if I knew myself at all. I wonder if this created self doubt in you? and how you overcame/ are overcoming this self doubt? My dad to this day still very often misinterprets what I do and who I am and it hurts every time, he thinks I am selfish and is probably why I have fears of being selfish or narcissistic. It is scary when someone tells you that you are coming across a certain way that is unbeknownst to you, it makes me self conscious about how I do come across, which if I let myself overthink this I become awkward in social situations“-

– It hurts every time a parent accuses a child of being a bad person. Such a repeated accusation causes a child to cry, (to) feel so lost…  self doubt… self conscious… overthink… become awkward in social situations.

A child needs be SEEN by a parent as a good person. Without that, the child (and into adulthood) is afraid to look further into oneself and see perhaps.. more bad things, more evidence of being a bad person, and the child/ adult is afraid of showing to others, in social situations, evidence of being a bad person. So we overthink, we doubt ourselves, we are scared to express because.. something bad may become visible for others to see.

This all fits with the quote I started this post with: “As my natural self is revealing itself, the conflict is the thought ‘stop this is too much expression!’“- too much expression because some of it may be evidence that you are a bad person..?

Maybe all the seeing the unknown unknowns that you mentioned yesterday starts with seeing- with conviction- that you are a good person.

anita