Hi Thomas:

You asked Laven: “Skipping school. Why? What made it so terrible that it was better to miss school than to be in school? Did you have bullies?”-

Laven answered this question on April 29, 2025: “When I entered school, at 5… soon after I was molested inside the bathroom adjoining the classroom by a staff teacher’s assistant — an older man who seemed like the sweet, lovable grandfather type. Soon after that, at 5, I started skipping school.”

You asked: “Not being able to talk to someone to help you?”-

Laven (April 29, 2025): “My mom was dealing with mental health issues such as schizophrenia and raising three kids without support. She was unemployed, had to mind us, in and out sometimes of psychiatric care facilities — and also both brothers due to mental health issues and defiant behaviors.”

You wrote: “Sounded like you had a foster mom who loved you even with all the things you did that probably hurt her.”-

Laven (July 10, 2025): “When I first came to my current foster placement, my foster mom was in her 60s… Within the first year of me being here, I was abused often by her grandson. He would beat me with a belt, say terrible things to me, force me to do things I didn’t want to do… It’s her natural behavior to be argumentative, combative, and blame me for everything.”

Laven (June 26, 2025): “Throughout the rest of my schooling and teen years, life was very overwhelming for me. I couldn’t cope nor function. Foster mom was still verbally abusive and put me down a lot. Her family was as well.”

You asked: “What do you want from this post you made? One post of something bad in your life. Then another and then another and then another. What is it that you wish to get from them?”-

Laven (May 18, 2024): “A lot of times I feel guilty for my feelings towards everything and also sharing. I feel like everything is always my fault and that I deserve everything. I feel embarrassed and humiliated for my feelings… and also my life experiences. I also feel like a bad person and feel like I shouldn’t feel the way that I do… I’ve been minimized my whole life and I’ve learned very early in childhood that I shouldn’t prioritize myself, that everyone else comes first, and that my self, thoughts, feelings, problems, etc.… I’m not important, neither are the things I go through.”

I think, Thomas, that what Laven wants — and deserves — is validation. She needs to be told the truth: That the misfortunes and abuses she suffered at five, six, and beyond were not her fault. That she is not a bad person for having endured a painful life. That her feelings are valid. That she is important. That it’s okay to prioritize herself. That it’s okay for her to come first — for a change.

You wrote: “If one dwells upon the bad things then life is nothing but suffering. There will be nothing but suffering. But, if one stops dwelling upon the second arrow then life can improve.”-

I too used to dwell on the bad things, Thomas — because I lacked validation. Although I told and retold the painful experiences that happened to me, I didn’t fully believe they were real. The minimizing, invalidating, emotionally reversing voices of my mother kept playing in my mind, guilt-tripping and shaming me. I told and retold my stories in a desperate effort to rid myself of the false shame and guilt planted in early years.

This doesn’t mean that a victimized child never harms others. Too often, a true victim becomes someone who victimizes others. But healing is about rescuing the child within from all those false accusations — from the untrue shaming and guilt — and reclaiming that early-life innocence.

Anita

Thank you, Zenith. I’m out and about, using my phone. I’ll read all and reply tonight or Wed morning.

Dear Eva:

I wonder — have you sought professional help regarding your intrusive thoughts? I suffered from OCD for decades before receiving medical support (SSRI treatment), which brought me much relief from obsessive and intrusive thinking.

What you expressed here is not “annoying repetition” — it’s trauma echoing through your nervous system.

In this post, you described a partner who offered minimal emotional presence (“just asking so it’s asked”), gave crumbs of affection then withdrew, keeping you emotionally hooked. He avoided being seen with you socially, consistently prioritized others over you, and framed basic relational gestures as burdens or favors (“I even let you invite your friends…”).

This is not mutual care — it’s conditional engagement, where you were made to feel like you were asking too much for wanting basic emotional connection. Your valid needs were framed as unreasonable, making you feel guilty for expressing them.

His language flipped the script: he claimed you weren’t patient — despite you waiting five years for emotional availability. He implied you ruined the relationship by expressing frustration, ignoring the chronic neglect that led to it. He weaponized your emotional needs as unreasonable demands. This is emotional reversal: making you feel guilty for reacting to mistreatment.

As a result, you ended up blaming yourself: “Maybe if I hadn’t done this…”, “I ruined it again…”, “I’m such a chaos…” This is heartbreaking. You’ve absorbed the emotional labor, the responsibility, and the shame — internalizing the failure of the relationship as your fault. But in truth, you’ve been starved of reciprocity and respect.

Your pain is real, Eva. Your needs were not excessive. You are not “chaos.” You are someone who tried to love and be loved in a space that didn’t honor you.

With care and solidarity, Anita

Adalie, I wanted to share: I suffered from a very, very low self esteem for so long. I too felt terribly unwanted, unchosen, set aside, left behind. Someone else was the chosen-one. Not me. Never me.

I remember how painful that felt.

Fast forward.. now, I’ve never been more confident in my own worth than I am now. Doesn’t mean I’m perfect, lol, but.. getting close to it (..another lol)

But really, I am more comfortable and confident in my own skin than I’ve ever been.

And I know it’s possible for you too, Adalie. I am rooting for you, I am on your side!

Anita

You’re welcome, Adalie. I’m really glad you don’t regret it. It sounds like it held meaning for you—something real, even if it came with pain. You deserved to be encouraged, and I’m holding space for all that this stirred in you.

🤍 Anita

You are welcome, Miss L Dutchess. I hope things change for you.. deeper, genuine connections with others!

🤍 Anita

Adalie, I hear the tenderness in what you shared — the ache of not knowing, the significance of Jake’s encouragement, and the meaning you’ve found in the details surrounding the firearm. It’s clear that moment carried weight for you, and I can feel how deeply you’ve held onto it.

I wonder if, when you feel ready, it might be possible to gently shift your focus — away from Jake, and toward practical steps that support your healing and clarity within your marriage to Vince.

🤍 Anita

Adalie, I became aware of your most recent post after I completed the reply above.

It makes sense that you’re trying to understand Vince’s behavior through the lens of mental health. Whether it’s bipolar disorder, DID, or something else entirely, what you’re describing — the emotional highs and lows, the cycles of cruelty and apology — is less about diagnosis and more about impact. And the impact on you has been destabilizing, exhausting, and deeply confusing.

It’s not your job to diagnose or fix him. What matters most is how you feel in the relationship, and whether your emotional safety and stability are being honored.

As for Jake — it’s okay that he’s both a “lesson” and a “what if.” Sometimes people enter our lives not to stay, but to show us what’s possible. Jake reminded you what tenderness feels like. What encouragement feels like. What it’s like to be seen and supported without being controlled. That’s not trivial — that’s a glimpse of the kind of emotional landscape you deserve.

You said you really like Jake. That feeling matters. Even if he’s not ready, even if it doesn’t turn into something lasting, the way you felt around him is telling. It’s emotional truth.

You’re allowed to want something different. You’re allowed to question what you’ve been living. And you’re allowed to hold space for both grief and longing — without rushing to resolve either.

🤍 Anita