Dear Carol:

“she would start to make more efforts in the future in order to solve this because she cared about our friendship…. we agreed that it was a good thing we talked this out and we planned our next hangout next week. So in some way, I feel relieved ? I think that she’s genuinely sorry and the future will tell how it turns out.”- your and her future efforts (or lack of)  will indeed tell how it turns out. I hope that it turns out well.!

anita

Dear omyk:

(I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes in this post): “Every once in a while, I have this itch to date again… What system of accountability mechanism can I create to hold off the occasional weird urge to sign up on a dating app? Is it just a matter of self-discipline? if so, I’ll muster up more willpower… sex signifies something much deeper to me… I want to reserve it for deep love shared in a committed relationship… I have been doing ministry for more than twenty-five years and was considering taking the next step up when she died. Remarrying or cohabitating means giving up the ministry”–

– I thought you may be interested in the little research I did this morning on the topic of celibacy in the religious context:

From bbc. com/is it even possible to live a celibate life?: “After another sex scandal involving a senior member of the Catholic Church, questions are again being asked about celibacy. Is it realistic for someone to permanently go without sex?… To the purists, celibacy – derived from the Latin for unmarried – means a permanent state of being without sex… ‘True’ celibacy means a life without both sex and a spouse or partner. Of course, there are many who give it a looser definition…
<p class=”ssrcss-1q0x1qg-Paragraph e1jhz7w10″>”Catholic priests are all men and while there are celibate women – typically nuns – much of the debate tends to focus on male celibacy. Taken in its strictest definition, there is a question mark over whether celibacy is possible. Men are driven by testosterone to want sex, says John Wass, Professor of Endocrinology at Oxford University. Women are driven to a lesser degree by a mixture of testosterone and oestrogen, he explains. ‘I’d regard celibacy as a totally abnormal state.’…</p>
<p class=”ssrcss-1q0x1qg-Paragraph e1jhz7w10”>”Jimmy O’Brien, who left the priesthood to start a family remembers how difficult it could be for young men. ‘You have to fight the urges. For a lot of people it can be a daily battle, others are not so affected.'</p>
<p class=”ssrcss-1q0x1qg-Paragraph e1jhz7w10″>”The power of the mind through exercises like meditation can banish physical cravings, argues Vishvapani, a Buddhist…’There’s no doubt in my mind that some people are able to practice it quite happily. It may sometimes be a bit of a struggle. But the idea that biologically you can’t – that’s false.'</p>
<p class=”ssrcss-1q0x1qg-Paragraph e1jhz7w10″>”Father Stephen Wang, dean of studies at Allen Hall Seminary, says it is a sacrifice that many priests manage. ‘It’s possible when people have an inner maturity and the faith and support structures are in place.’ For him it is no different to the challenge of a husband trying to be faithful to his wife. There is no celibacy get-out in the form of masturbation, says Wang. ‘For every Christian, masturbation, sex before marriage and sex outside marriage are wrong and something you shouldn’t be doing…</p>
“Wang argues that people misunderstand celibacy. It ensures a unique relationship with God and one’s parishioners, he says. ‘It’s not about repression. It’s about learning to love in a certain way.‘ It’s not just priests who are called by the church to be celibate, it’s everyone outside wedlock, he argues. He rejects the link, commonly made in the media, between celibacy and scandal. ‘It’s not true to say that celibacy leads to sexual dysfunction or abuse. Unfortunately sexual scandals are occurring across society in various organisations, and feature married men not just celibate people.”
<p class=”ssrcss-1q0x1qg-Paragraph e1jhz7w10″>-end of my little research. Is there anything about the above that may be helpful to you, omyk?</p>
anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome.

“I am aware this is a two person job… My constant fear has taken a toll on me, I mean I have been working very hard on my self development, which is along the path that we have discussed. But yes, I am too afraid and thus obsessed with what will happen, rather than what’s happening“- fear causes a person to run away (Flight), Fight, or Freeze (as in being stuck obsessing, fretting). Neither is congruent with self- development or with relationship-development, as in working together as a team for the benefit of both.

“I will try to be stronger when I meet her.“- this sentence brings to my mind one of Yoda’s famous saying from one of the Star Wars movies: “Do. Or do not. There is no try“.

I know how powerful fear can be. I feel fear every day living in a world as troubled and in places, as horribly violent as it is. But we must not give in to fear, to not surrender to it, to not submit to what we’re afraid of.

Fear cannot be overcome with obsessing and freezing (inaction, passivity), but by strength from the inside of a person, strength and courage.

She shouldn’t be this powerful in your mind and heart: The One whose Yes means life, and No means a death of sorts. She shouldn’t have this power. I don’t think (from what you shared) that she wants to have this power over you.

Maybe you can visualize her not as an entity looming large above, but as a person on your level, one like many millions of people.

anita

Dear Carol:

She shared with you, paraphrased, that she’s been suffering from depression, that her energy is limited, and therefore she has had to choose what’s important to her (her relationship, and soon: her studies), and withdraw from what is less important to her (you).

“I am wondering if I should talk to her about how I feel like we drifted apart or if I should let this go“- how you feel, Carol, is not high on her priority list.

It is her right to determine her priority list, and she is doing the best she can for herself.

“I don’t know if I should empathize with her.. or myself?“- empathize with yourself and express some empathy for her.  But let the ones she prioritizes do most of the empathizing with her.

“I feel like talking to her is a way of respecting myself and our friendship“- your friendship with her has been a high priority in your mind and heart; a low priority in her mind and heart.

“I am wondering if I am not being selfish/self-centered, bringing up my issues knowing very well she struggles with her mental health!“- she struggles with depression and she chooses what she believes will help her: her relationship with her boyfriend, and soon: her studies.

She is not choosing you as a source of help.

You are not selfish when you choose to accept and respect her priorities/ her faith in what can or cannot help her.

anita

Dear Famo:

I spent some time trying to locate Luna but wasn’t successful.

“My mind is constantly telling me negative things“- it’s usually the voice of a critical parent replaying in our brains, repeating and expanding on the criticisms given in childhood (called the inner critic).

“And wow, I never thought about me rejecting his expression of himself. You see, his jokes are a little harsh, and it was really hard for me to handle“- it is your right, of course, to reject jokes that are harsh or abusive. I would too, at least I hope I would. So, I am not saying that you shouldn’t have rejected his jokes. I am saying that he may have felt more comfortable around coworkers who enjoyed his jokes, and it could be the reason why he shared some personal details about his life with them.

“Now that I think about it, it could make sense. I actually feel bad now, and I don’t know how to fix this. So basically, I destroyed everything with my triggers“- this is all-or-nothing thinking on your part. It is not true that you destroyed everything.

Reads like it something your inner critic said to you: Famo, you destroy everything!  That’s a harsh, abusive inner critic.

“What should I do about myself, as I feel that I cannot keep things good with me being triggered all the time?“- examine your inner critic’s criticisms: are they true or false, exaggerated or accurate?

Silencing a harsh, abusive inner critic takes time and work but it brings peace to the location where it’s needed most: in-between one’s ears.

“I am being ignorant of the fact that he is depressed because I am too anxious about being left alone, and all I think about is myself“- when a person is too anxious (fearing a perceived danger), the person is naturally focused on one’s safety. It’s when calm, that you can extend attention to the other person.

“he said that he is not able to compromise (‘I don’t want any human interaction at the moment’)“- does this mean that you and him are on a break?

anita

Dear Franco:

You are welcome. About courage, you may want to read from an article in psychology today/ the six attributes of courage. Here are six quotes given there:

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”

“Being terrified but going ahead and doing what must be done—that’s courage.”

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, ‘I’ll try again tomorrow.”

“It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.”

“Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes.”

“To dare is to lose one’s footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself.”

The article ends with a “Courage Building Exercise”.

anita

You are welcome, Clara. i will reply further Mon morning (Sun evening here). May the Force be with You, Clara (a Star Wars saying)!

anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome. Fear will keep you up at night, I understand. Maybe The Serenity Prayer will fill you with some much needed serenity (it helped me countless times): god, grant me the serenity to accept the things In cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know there difference.

anita