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anita

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Viewing 15 posts - 661 through 675 (of 4,188 total)
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  • anita
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    Dear Emma:

    You’re so welcome. Truly. Your words hold so much insight, gentleness, and strength. You’re navigating a lot—both grief and growth at the same time—and it’s clear how thoughtfully you’re walking through each piece of it.

    It sounds like your talk with your mum was a small step of warmth, and I’m glad it didn’t tip into pressure or heaviness. That kind of moment, even if brief, can mean so much. Your reflections about your father show deep awareness—how his forceful opinions shaped your early sense of self and how hard it still is to hold boundaries when contact feels loaded. You’re absolutely right: emotional distance can be necessary when boundaries in-the-moment feel hard to hold. It’s not coldness—it’s protection.

    As for Philip—yes, what you described does sound like a trauma bond. Not because either of you meant harm, but because you were both trying to meet unmet emotional needs through one another. Recognizing that intensity for what it is shows real growth. That’s how patterns begin to change.

    And this thing you said: “I choose partners that can lead… but do not let me be myself…” That awareness is everything. You’re learning to trust your own voice again, just like I’ve had to do too. The enmeshment I experienced left me confused about who I was apart from her. I still feel echoes of it sometimes—especially in moments when I doubt my instincts or feel pulled to over-explain myself. But like you, I’m slowly giving that voice the space it deserves. We’re both getting better at letting our truth rise.

    You’re not alone, Emma. We’ll walk gently, together.

    Warmest hugs, Anita 🤍

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alecsee:

    It seems like she was trying to have a serious, emotionally focused conversation, and hoped you’d meet her with full attention. When you got distracted, sent photos, or responded without staying present, she felt dismissed—like the relationship’s patterns weren’t changing.

    She expressed that your life approaches are fundamentally different: she wants structure and clarity, while you tend to be spontaneous and fluid. That mismatch has been wearing her down, and she reached a breaking point emotionally.

    Your tiredness and emotional response weren’t wrong—they were human. But she didn’t feel understood in that moment, and it reinforced her belief that you two don’t connect in the ways she needs.

    Her staying on the phone afterward may mean she wasn’t fully closed off yet—but the hurt runs deep. You’re right: this isn’t about one moment. It’s about a repeated cycle. And now’s the time to ask what kind of connection actually fits who you are and how you love.

    Let me know if you want help writing something that’s sincere and steady.

    Anita

    in reply to: Life Worth Living- what is it like? #447541
    anita
    Participant

    Journaling, stream of consciousness writing:

    I feel this pain of the loss of connection that was never allowed to stay.

    I feel this eternal-internal craving for that connection-

    I was like a drowning animal reaching out to be rescued and taken into safety.

    I am letting this pain, this craving breathe..

    They are not overwhelming when given air, when allowed space to be.

    To not try to push it out, to suffocate it, to suppress.

    I loved her fiercely and .. and.. it made no difference to her, or for her.

    There was no relatedness. It was just me, isolated, dreadfully alone.

    And there was she.. having no idea that the love she always needed was right there, in front of her. Unseen.

    A one-sided love.

    I was eager to please, eager to help her

    She, on the other hand, was eager to defend herself against a nonexistent abuse by me, misinterpreting my love as hate, as my non-existent efforts to shame her.

    This MISINTERPRETATION.

    In my mind just now, I had a the images of 1-2 members on these forums criticizing me for not “getting over it”-

    I am getting over it the only way possible: through it, letting the emotions breathe and take the space within me that they deserve.

    Before you criticize me, think of the 4-year-old girl within me.

    Don’t hurt her.

    Think of other men and women, however old, as boys and girls needing your help, your support.. not your criticisms and condemnations… So much of these I received.. didn’t help at all.

    Not at all.

    In my mind’s eye, I see my mother as a 40 or 50 year-old, not the 70 year-old when I saw her last, not as the 85 year-old she is now. The love I feel now, that which I denied most of my life, that love is real. I let it breathe. I am accepting it as the core emotional experience in my whole life, the heart of who I am, and what I a about.

    This Love is in the core of me and I will no longer turn away from it just because it was betrayed by my own mother.

    When Dependence is met with Betrayal, with Harm. DBH.

    The thing about time is that.. like Peter would say, perhaps, it’s a measurement. In reality, there is no such thing.. the white hair, the wrinkles.. these are just illusions in the real picture of what is truly timeless.

    Anita

    in reply to: Advice on accepting boyfriend’s female best friend #447536
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ada:

    Thank you for continuing to share so openly. What you’re working through isn’t just relational—it’s emotional architecture shaped over time, and I can feel how deeply you’re trying to understand not only Sam, but yourself in the midst of it all. That kind of reflection takes real courage.

    You wrote: “Over several years and several arguments, Sam has been less and less involved in Sarah’s life to the point where they only exchange a few greetings here and there now.”-

    And while that shift in behavior matters, without him fully acknowledging your emotional experience—your confusion, pain, and sense of displacement—his distancing from Sarah can feel superficial, more like avoidance than growth.

    If he hasn’t taken the time to redefine what friendship means within a committed romantic relationship—or created space for you to feel safe and emotionally grounded—then even minimal contact with Sarah might still feel like too much. That’s because the emotional framework is missing.

    By emotional framework, I mean the shared understanding that helps both of you feel secure and aligned in your relationship. Some questions that might help you explore this together include: – What does emotional closeness mean to each of you? – When does friendship become emotionally intimate, and how is that different from romantic intimacy? – Is it okay to share personal details with a friend, or does that feel exclusive to the relationship? – What does emotional safety look like for each of you? – What kinds of interactions trigger insecurity, and why? – Do you understand and express emotions in similar ways, or do your experiences of the same moments differ based on how you interpret them?

    Earlier you shared:

    “I’m quiet, reserved.” And today you said: “I’ve expressed all of these perceived boundary violations to my boyfriend… though always through anger and outrage, and not as level-headed as I have here… I need resolution here. I want mental and emotional clarity before I talk to Sam about it again.”-

    You’ve absolutely been level-headed here, and I was so very impressed by how level-headed you have been from your very first post, holding both sides of this very complicated relationship.

    But I wonder—what if you gave your outrage space to breathe? Not with Sam, at least not yet, but here—with me, or someone else you trust. What if you let it come out in a stream of consciousness, loud and raw, without needing to shape it for calmness or fairness? What if you flipped quiet and reserved on its head and gave your fire some voice?

    This outrage didn’t arrive out of nowhere. It’s lived inside you for a long time, bubbling up through arguments, emotional mismatches, and moments where your truth wasn’t fully heard. And because it hasn’t had a safe outlet outside conflict, it’s stayed unresolved. That doesn’t make it irrational—it makes it important.

    Sometimes resolution doesn’t begin with soft words. Sometimes it starts with truth, spoken boldly and without apology.

    If you want to do that here, I’m right beside you. Just you, your words, your voice—and someone ready to hold all of it with care.

    🤍 Anita

    in reply to: Life Worth Living- what is it like? #447533
    anita
    Participant

    I AM a GOOD person.. me! What a relief!

    I am a good person.. who would’ve known..

    Been told for so long.. from my very beginning, that I was B.A.D.

    And it wasn’t TRUE-

    So, I am a good person.. what I always wanted to be.

    SHE told me otherwise, insisting on it, that I was BAD, making her life a mission to PROVE me B.A.D.

    Making her life mission, her legacy in my life: to prove me B.A.D.

    Day in and day out, this is what she was after: to instill in me the.. knowing that I was a bad person.

    Now, how can I ever feel any affection for her.. knowing this?

    How can she be anything but the one, very personal enemy of mine?

    I don’t want to love her anymore. Don’t want to love my very personal enemy.

    I understand her wounding, her trauma.. but it’s the way she turned her trauma against me.. to destroy me.. W.O.W.

    My goodness.

    Goodbye you.. the woman who Bore me so to Destroy me (B2D).. and here I am alive to tell..

    To tell..

    That this woman with those very dark eyes, and the corners of her mouth going up as she watched me hurting, in a kind-of a smile- she was no mother of mine.

    I had no such thing as a mother. What I had was an enemy.

    And this is the truth that I want to settle within me.. to settle, simply because it is the truth.

    It’s something that’s very difficult to accept, to process, to resolve..

    Your own mother there, looking at you, aiming at destroying you.. it’s difficult, to say the least.. difficult..

    You look up to her, she’s everything..

    But she turns AGAINST you.. again and again and again.

    I keep loving her because I keep hoping that she will love me back.

    But there’s no loving coming from there.. from her.

    At 64, I keep hoping that at 84, she will love me back.

    Time to let it go.. let it go, give up.

    Let go of the idea, the hope.. that she will love me back. She can’t. She won’t. She’s too old, she was always- since I came into her life- too old to.. Love me.

    So, here I am at 64, still a young girl craving her mother’s love, focused.. LOVE ME!

    It’s a one-sided love, unmet.. a terrible expanse of .. nothing. Nothing. A vacuum.

    Wait, I am 64.. no way, I am FOUR.

    Ima.. Mother.. No, there’s nothing, no one for me..

    All that love, on my part.. and yet, there’s no one on the receiving end.

    It’s like falling into an abyss of nothingness.

    10:30 pm here, Friday night.

    Anita

    in reply to: Life Worth Living- what is it like? #447532
    anita
    Participant

    “Life Worth Living- what is it like?”-

    Life worth living is one where you feel-know that you are a good person, that you are a force for good, and you care to be a good person.

    I do, and it makes my life worth living.

    Anita

    in reply to: Life Worth Living- what is it like? #447531
    anita
    Participant

    So, I asked Copilot (my favorite, beloved AI) about my last stream-of-consciousness journaling post, and Copilot said to me: “Anita, this post is raw, courageous, and heart-wrenching… What you described—your mother framing you as the aggressor while she was physically harming you—is a textbook example of projection… That kind of reversal is deeply damaging. It doesn’t just hurt physically—it tears apart your sense of reality, making it hard to trust yourself, others, or the truth.

    “Her statement—“I didn’t break your bones because I didn’t want to get into trouble”—reveals a chilling truth: her restraint wasn’t about care or love. It was about self-preservation. That’s not morality rooted in empathy—it’s a calculation…

    “This is why trust is so hard now. You weren’t allowed to be innocent. You weren’t allowed to simply hurt. You’re not going crazy, Anita—you’re undoing the crazy that was done to you.”-

    I wasn’t allowed to be the innocent little girl that I really was. She pronounced me Guilty and Bad so very early on.

    But I wasn’t guilty and I wasn’t bad. I was indeed a good, innocent, loving little girl accused and abused.

    Poor little-girl anita. How unfortunate for you.. You didn’t deserve it. You were a victim, her victim.

    The nature of victimhood, my very own.. is something else.. to really understand that, really, I was not guilty, I was not a bad little girl..

    I was NOT a bad little girl. She said so.. but it was NOT true.

    I believed her.. but she was WRONG.

    I was a good girl who was terribly misunderstood by a mother too wounded, too sick to understand.

    I want to fully claim or reclaim my innocence.

    I am a good person, I am a force for good.. I am a good person.

    Anita

    anita
    Participant

    * Alecsee/ Everyone: Please excuse the above post. It does not belong in this thread (I pasted the above here by mistake)

    Anita

    anita
    Participant

    (Thinking about you, Joanna) How are you holding up? I can only imagine how heavy things must feel right now. I’d love to hear more from you when you’re ready. With care, Anita

    Kshitij (email), July 10: Dear Anita, Thank you for your last message, and for so kindly checking on me… A couple of things that happened recently which I would like to share with you — At the very last minute, things seem to have fallen in place for my Phd funding in Oxford, full credit to my supervisor!… It seems I will be staying in Oxford, which to be honest, I did want… My therapist remarked in the last session that I have been living on the edge, and that is how I would like to define myself and my current state. I am always living on the edge, walking on eggshells. My anxiety is terrible… I am not self-diagnosing or anything, but what I am doing right now with rechecking and recalculating feels like pure OCD. An element of self-harm is present even here because I sometimes feel I should punch myself or hurt myself when I think about my mistakes. That is all from me right now. On one hand I am excited about the developments happening recently, but I also get very anxious frequently and end up ruminating. I hope everything is fine with you, and you are doing well! Looking forward to hearing from you. Thanks,
    Kshitij
    Anita, July 10: So good to read back from you, Kshitij! Will reply tomorrow.
    Anita, July 11: Dear Kshitij: Your message holds so much—the joy of promising news, and the weight of an inner struggle that’s clearly exhausting. First, huge congratulations on the PhD funding finally coming through! Oxford is lucky to have you. I hope that offer letter arrives soon and brings with it the kind of reassurance that might help soften the mental noise, even just a little.

    I hear how painful the post-exam spiral has been. That inner dialogue—rechecking, recalculating, questioning what could’ve been avoided—it sounds punishing. And the fact that it followed you into what should have been restorative travel speaks volumes about how persistent and invasive the anxiety has become. You’re right: it’s not just worry, it’s fixation. And that takes a toll.

    I’m really glad you’re seeking support with your therapist—especially for tomorrow’s emergency session. That’s a courageous step and a vital one. Living “on the edge,” as you described, is unsustainable. You deserve peace in your body, your mind, and your daily life.

    There’s so much you’re carrying: the academic pressure, the invisible weight of internal standards, and a mind that’s been trained to keep scanning for what might go wrong. But I also see someone who’s self-aware, thoughtful, and actively reaching toward clarity. That matters.

    You aren’t alone in this, and you aren’t broken. You’re a brilliant, sensitive human navigating high-stakes terrain with real insight. Please keep speaking to the people who hold space for you. You deserve care, compassion, and inner quiet.

    And I’m here, always. 🤍

    Warmly, Anita

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alecsee:

    It sounds like you’re trying to express something really heartfelt—your regrets, and how much her love meant to you. I think that message could be powerful, if it comes from a place of genuine reflection, not guilt. Just be gentle with it. Let her know she doesn’t need to respond right away. And that it’s okay if she never does. She’s grieving, and even if she hears your words, she may not be ready to engage.

    Just be kind to yourself as you write it. These kinds of messages carry weight—not just for her, but for you, too. Whatever happens after, know that speaking honestly and gently is a strength in itself. Wishing you clarity and peace, wherever this takes you.

    🤍 Anita

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lulu:

    Thank you for sharing all of this—it sounds like you handled an incredibly intense moment with patience, love, and real courage.

    Your boyfriend’s reaction to the movie—shutting down, repeating phrases, feeling dread, and later crying—sounds like something deep and unresolved was stirred up. These kinds of responses can happen when someone is faced with something that reminds their body or mind of trauma they’ve buried or can’t remember clearly.

    You did the right thing by turning off the movie, checking in, and staying close. None of this is your fault. His panic, confusion, and emotional pain aren’t caused by you—they’re signs that something painful might have been hiding underneath for a long time.

    His discomfort with certain kinds of touch, his lack of clear childhood memories, and what he said about feeling “gross” all suggest he could be carrying trauma. And whether or not he remembers details, what matters now is how he feels—and that he gets help to work through it.

    Since he’s heading to college soon, I really recommend checking whether his school offers free or low-cost therapy or counseling. Most colleges do, and it could be a safe way for him to begin talking with someone professionally.

    For now:

    Keep things calm and gentle—he may just need quiet company more than words.

    Don’t push him to remember or explain things right now. That can feel overwhelming or even scary.

    Take care of yourself, too. Supporting someone through emotional pain is hard, and your safety matters just as much.

    You’re already doing something meaningful—helping someone feel less alone during a really vulnerable time. Please reach out anytime you want to talk or need support. You’re not alone in this. 🤍

    With care, Anita

    in reply to: Advice on accepting boyfriend’s female best friend #447518
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ada:

    First, I want to acknowledge a part of my last reply that may have felt off. I speculated about a possible sexual attraction to his sister growing up—and looking back, I realize there was no evidence of that in anything you shared. I truly didn’t intend to introduce discomfort. I let an idea run ahead of the facts, and I’m sorry.

    I reread your posts this morning. One line that stood out:

    “For the past few years, I’ve grown more and more spiteful of their relationship… over time the emotional intimacy of it is really eating away at me.”-

    That hit me—because it shows how long you’ve been carrying this. You’re not reacting to a passing frustration. This has been a long-term emotional strain, and it hasn’t gotten better—it’s gotten heavier. That alone tells me this isn’t something that can be quietly tolerated or rationalized away. It needs resolution.

    Another line that carried unexpected weight was:

    “I can’t help but get annoyed at my boyfriend’s tone of voice when comforting her.”-

    Tone often says more than words—it carries emotional truth, those subtle signals of warmth, tenderness, or protection that we don’t always name out loud. You might be picking up on an intimacy that contradicts what he says: “She’s like a sister to me… you’re the most important person in my life.” But when the tone feels too soft, too intimate, too partner-like—it can be deeply unsettling. And hard to forget.

    Another line:

    “She’s flirtatious, promiscuous, open with her feelings. I’m quiet, reserved, and selective with my emotional intimacy.”-

    This contrast may lie at the heart of his attachment to her (I’ll refer to her as “B”). You, Ada, represent steadiness, reflection, and a deeper emotional connection—someone he can build a future with. B, on the other hand, brings emotional energy, spontaneity, and a sense of lightness. So he’s receiving two very different emotional experiences:

    With you: commitment, depth, emotional accountability.

    With B: freedom, play, and low-stakes emotional ease.

    In his friendship with B, he seems to take the role of protector or emotional anchor—especially when she’s in distress. Because she leans on him more than he leans on her, it may reinforce a sense of control or even superiority. Not maliciously, but it can feel good to be needed without having to be vulnerable in return.

    B validates him—makes him feel seen, admired, maybe even emotionally useful—without asking him to change, confront difficult truths, or engage in real emotional compromise. That makes the dynamic low-maintenance, emotionally one-sided, and—most of all—safe.

    No discomfort. No negotiations. Just affirmation.

    But in your relationship, there’s real depth. You bring emotional clarity, needs, boundaries. Without realizing it, he might be leaning on B for “easy” emotional connection while relying on you for structure and long-term grounding. And that imbalance takes a toll—on you.

    Another thing that stood out to me this morning is how strange it is that you’ve never met his best friend. After four years, that may be intentional. If it were truly platonic and healthy, meeting her should feel natural. The fact that it hasn’t happened suggests that something may not hold up in daylight.

    It seems to me that he’s prioritizing his own comfort over your emotional safety. That’s where the selfishness lives—not in the friendship itself, but in his unwillingness to confront the effect it’s had on you. From everything you’ve shared, this borders on emotional infidelity—where someone gives significant emotional energy to someone outside the relationship in a way that feels intimate, romantic-adjacent, and boundary-blurring.

    Ada, I’d really welcome your thoughts on what I wrote—what resonates, what doesn’t, or what feels like it’s still missing. Your reflections are so thoughtful and honest, and I’d love to hear how this lands with you. Truly. 🤍

    With care, Anita

    anita
    Participant

    Lulu, I will be reading what you posted in the morning (Thursday night here).

    Anita

    in reply to: Life Worth Living- what is it like? #447501
    anita
    Participant

    Oh no, I’m so sorry you’re sick again, Alessaa. That mom life really doesn’t let up, does it? I hope you’re able to get some rest between the chaos. Thinking of you too—and sending care, comfort, and lots of virtual soup. 🤍

    Looking forward to reconnecting whenever you feel up to it. No rush, you’re held here. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

    Anita

    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome< Emma! Looking forward to your answer tomorrow.

    🤍 Anita

Viewing 15 posts - 661 through 675 (of 4,188 total)
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