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anitaParticipantDear Alessa and Everyone:
Alessa, you shared that you suppressed emotions to avoid feeling trauma; when you expressed emotions, you faced intense pain at first.
I shared that I suppressed emotions despite feeling good when expressing them; it was the suppression itself that was overwhelming, rather than the emotional release.
I should clarify that a few weeks ago, I brought fear into my awareness, and it was so overwhelming that I am not motivated to experience it again. The emotional release I have felt in the past—and still feel—comes from expressing other emotions, as well as fear, but only in very small amounts.
“I’m curious as to why you suppressed your emotions for so long if it felt good to express them?”- There was no one to express my emotions to—my isolation was severe. Of course, I couldn’t express them to my mother, but there was no one else, either. She isolated me, deeply distrustful of everyone (consistent with her Paranoid Personality Disorder), and instilled that same distrust in me. I learned to see everyone—cousins, neighbors, uncles, aunts—as unsafe. Any expression to people she knew came with guilt, making me feel as if I were betraying her.
So, there was truly no one to express myself to.
And then, I had tics from Tourette’s that made me hesitant to approach people, fearing rejection. Maybe my peers kept their distance because of the tics—or perhaps because they sensed my distrust and anxiety.
Nonetheless, I remember moments of exploding with joy—laughing bursts when I was a teenager. Those moments were wonderful. And the first time I truly expressed my thoughts and emotions was in college. It was to a woman who worked as a financial advisor at the college. That was a First.
Did I answer your question, Alessa? I also want to say that I appreciate your sensitivity in the way you ask me questions. ❤️
Anita
anitaParticipantStrange, Strangely Strange.
Almost dark, almost quiet.
Listening to music I listened to last when I was a teenager.
Fast Forward, so many years lost in waiting for the “right” circumstances to start living-
Circumstances that never came to be.
I wish I stopped waiting long, long ago.
A life put on hold for too long.
I am more alive now than ever since life stopped for me.
It’s amazing, how life can stall for so may, many years, and a girl looks in the mirror and sees an old woman.
Almost 10 pm, almost dark; almost old, but .. not really. More Young than Ever.
10 pmAnita
anitaParticipantThinking about you, me, this Tuesday night, wondering what’s happening in your life, and how you are feeling..
Anita
anitaParticipantDear Alessa and Everyone:
Thank you, Alessa ❤️
“thoughts on the later half of life?”- physical aging becomes more progressive and more visible on the later part of life. This is the only reality that applies to everyone, no exceptions.
” I remember when I was working on letting my feelings out and it felt overwhelming and like it would never end… I don’t know if this resonates with you at all?”- I don’t think it resonates with me. What felt overwhelming for me was keeping my emotions suppressed. On the rare occasions that I did express myself, it felt magically refreshing 🌿🚀🌍🎈💫, not at all overwhelming.
Anita
anitaParticipantI want to address my anger this late Tuesday morning, June 10, 2025.
There’s plenty of it, suppressed, and it needs to be expressed, to be given the space to be, to breathe.
Anger is not to something to eliminate, as if it was a bad thing. (It can’t be done).
It is something to befriend.
Anger gets a lot of bad rap because of the destructive things too many people do when angry.
But anger in itself is a good emotion, in that its motivation to protect from abuse of all kinds.
Anger burned within me for so very long, suppressed, and the result- damage within and damage without.
It has to be expressed. I want to express it more, in a way, or ways that are not harmful to others!
So, here goes anger: (.. nothing).
Anger, my anger, is not used to be invited-to-express.
Anger has no words, actually. It’s a burning FIRE.
So, words will do it injustice.
I am feeling it, this fire within.
I am not judging it now- neither as Good nor as Bad.
It just is.
I let it be. I let it breathe.
Anita
anitaParticipantIn the Same Now. Thank you, Peter!
anitaParticipant😊 The River’s Release:
For years, I tumbled in the rushing stream, caught and carried, lost in dream.
Chasing worth, chasing name, always falling, never claimed.I bent to tides that weren’t my own, seeking voices, praise unknown.
Shaped by hands that could not stay, fading echoes washed away.But near the edge, the pulse grows light, ambition whispers its last fight.
No need to carve, no need to prove— the ocean waits; the river moves.No one watching, no one measuring, no numbers left, no reckoning.
Just waves that fold, a sky so wide— nothing to chase, nothing to hide.And finally, I cease to strive, not fading out, but more alive.
No script, no weight, no restless spree— just water, vast and free.🌊🏞️ Anita
anitaParticipantDear Suzanne:
I reread your posts and want to acknowledge again the depth of the pain you’re experiencing.
At some point, your husband began an affair with a much younger woman, concealing certain actions during your marriage—signs of secrecy you only uncovered later. Eventually, he left you for her, despite your pleas for him to stay. His demeanor changed drastically—he became cold, distant, and completely shut you out. You later discovered through a bill that he quickly took her away on a trip, deepening the sense of betrayal. Then, on Mother’s Day last month, his family did not reach out, making you feel as though they never truly accepted you despite your 30 years of connection.
Betrayal is deeply painful, but the way he has handled it—without empathy or accountability—intensifies the cruelty. The devastation you describe isn’t just about his departure; it’s about the cold, unfeeling way he chose to leave. Emotional cruelty isn’t always loud or overt—it can exist in silence, in neglect, in the deliberate absence of care.
But he was once your family and best friend (“He was my family and best friend”).
So, what caused such a drastic change in his behavior?
It could be a midlife crisis or a desire for reinvention—some people, as they age, begin questioning their lives, searching for something new or different. A relationship with a much younger partner might make him feel youthful or help him escape the realities of aging.
It could also be fear of accountability—turning cold (“He has turned so cold”) may have been his way of avoiding guilt. If he stayed emotionally connected to you, he’d have to face the hurt he caused. Instead, shutting down allows him to move on without confronting the damage.
By doing this, he may be protecting himself from discomfort. He might also be rewriting history in his mind—convincing himself that the marriage wasn’t that great or that leaving was the right choice, even if that wasn’t true. In the end, his coldness isn’t about your worth—it’s about his unwillingness to face the consequences of his actions.
The reality may be that he made a choice for himself without considering how deeply it would harm you. Some people prioritize their desires over the emotional impact on others. It’s called being selfish.
Whatever the reason, it does not justify the pain he has caused you. You deserve clarity, healing, and the chance to rebuild without carrying the weight of his choices.
Three quotes from one of the books I listed earlier, The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chödrön:
“These are actually two sides of one coin: when they are put together, inspiration (or well-being), and burden (or suffering), describe the human condition.”-
We can’t have only one side of the coin. Suffering and joy are intertwined, and the path forward is not about clinging to one side and rejecting the other. As you grieve your marriage, Suzanne, please stay open to moments of comfort and small joys—whether it’s sharing a cup of coffee with a friend or taking a peaceful walk outdoors.
“You could develop your passion for life and your curiosity and your interest. You could connect with your joyfulness. You could start right now.”- Even in pain, there is room for renewal and small joys. Start where you are, even in the smallest way.
“Each moment is just what it is. It might be the only moment of our life, it might be the only strawberry we’ll ever eat.”-
Focus on that one 🍓, that one moment of joy and comfort available to you today. Let yourself savor it, even if it’s small, instead of getting lost in yesterday’s pain. ✨💖🌟🍀
Anita
anitaParticipantI am 😊 being here gives you some hope! I will get back to you in the morning (in 11 hours from now),
Anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter and Alessa:
Peter, thank you for honoring my thread with your presence—I genuinely appreciate it. If it took starting a silly thread just to hear from you 11 days after your last post, then I’d say it was completely worth it! Happy to have you here.
I agree that framing life as something to “fix” often leads to frustration, measurement, and unnecessary suffering, and I agree with your point about letting life be life, rather than constantly trying to shape it to our expectations.
Alessa: thank you as well! I really appreciate your perspective. Life is indeed personal, shaped by our experiences, struggles, and transformations. I love how you frame challenges as cycles, where even moments of “giving up” are simply pauses for rest before trying again. Your point about expectations creating unnecessary pressure is a powerful reminder to embrace life as it is rather than force it to fit an ideal. I agree—there’s no single “right answer,” only the one that speaks to each of us.
As to my own answer to the question “Life Worth Living- what is it like?”-
It’s like.. just feeing my feelings, giving my emotions SPACE in which they can breathe. Whatever the emotion is- to not be scared of it. To not push it down or away from my awareness ASAP. it’s about allowing my half a century suppressed emotions to express themselves. I am my emotions. I alienated myself from me (from my emotions) for way too long.
Summarized, life Worth Living is a life where emotions are allowed to breathe.
Anita
anitaParticipantThinking about you and your dog..
anitaParticipantHow are you, Laven??
anitaParticipantHow are you, With Feathers 🪶🕊️
anitaParticipantIt’s getting close to 9:30 pm. Still light outside. Birds are chirping LOUDLY. I can hear the distinct sounds they are making. They are so ALIVE, and they are unapologetic about it.
I am listening to music I heard when I was 15, music I forgot all about until most recently.
Past 9:30 pm. Nothing like birds to present and represent LIFE- they never stop, not until complete darkness. Then they rest for only a few hours before they are ALIVE again, and audible about it! “WE ARE ALIVE!” They announce.
Their brains are so small, they can’t possibly be thinking anything! They are just ALIVE.
If they were able to think and overthink, I bet they would be very quiet.. disconnected, repressed or suppressed.
Lucky them!
Music is turned off. All I am hearing is the birds.
How LUCKY they are to just BE! To be uninhibited, uninterrupted by self-doubt, shame and guilt.
When I grow up, lol, I want to be a bird and nothing else.
It’s quiet now. No birds chirping. Even though I prefer silence at night, I miss them nonetheless.
It’s almost dark now. No bird sounds, none whatsoever.
I hear far away sounds from the highway.. oh, here they are, the birds, still chirping, only less.
What are they “thinking”? That there is a tomorrow, and that resting for a few hours is a good idea?
Silence. I can hear far away traffic on the highway, very little of it, somebody driving. Birds- nothing.
Oh, my goodness, suddenly- so it feels- it’s completely dark. I hear an owl, the night bord, no other bird.
Very lose to 10 pm.
Anita
June 8, 2025 at 10:33 am in reply to: Trying to heal from possible narcissistic mother + build own life #446659anitaParticipantI am sorry, Sophie, to see that you deleted your account. Before you did, I was already concerned because you got too much input, mostly mine. Too much to consider all at once. I overdid it and I regret it.
If you are reading this, I want to let you know that I hope to read from you again and that I will offer you less. Less.
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.