Dear Klast:

I thought that maybe the reason for my PT (Pulsative Tinnitus) was high blood pressure. In the past, whenever my bp was checked it was always low or normal. The day before yesterday, it was checked and it was normal. I suppose that’s why the doctor suspected a blocked/ twisted artery where the blood flow is disturbed.

“The alcohol probably acted as a sedative“- yes, it makes all kinds of discomforts disappear for a long while, a very welcomed relief. I drink red wine every day. Not that I recommend drinking alcohol (many thousands of people get injured and die every year because of operating under the influence, as you know).

“I have hissing/ringing in my ears pretty much all the time, it fluctuates throughout the day“- I remember the moment I realized that I never hear nothing, I felt claustrophobic in my own body, stuck in a forever- hissing. When I heard the PT, I almost panicked, as in: what if I will always hear that?

Hissing is always there when I am not outdoors with lots of sounds around, and whenever I direct my attention to it.

“For about 2 years after coming home from BC surgery I couldn’t go to sleep on my left side without loud whooshing/pulsing. Later in the night it would go away“- sounds like PT, and that’s after the surgery..

“I might have to stop using the label ‘fate’, maybe BHC, beyond human conception. I get relief in knowing there are big mysteries humanity doesn’t understand yet. That I am just one infinitely small part of it“- I agree with and relate to this.

Three days ago, I read in another thread: Every person has an inexhaustible creative and innovative energy. We can mobilize this energy in order to grow… Daoist saying: ‘When you are ‘sick’, do not seek a cure. Find your centre..  and you will be healed.“- I believe that a person’s center is part of an infinitely bigger energy, energy of a kind that is BHC. The BHC- energy is like the ocean, and each person (animal, plant; organism) is like a single wave rising and then falling back into the ocean. I find relief in this imagery. It feels good to know that I have that creative, innovative energy within me, that I can direct my attention to it in times of feeling helpless, and be helped by it. I noticed that my attention and learning abilities improve when I tap into the BHC-Energy.

“There is no who or what, there just ‘is’. When I am being mindful, I repeat the phrase ‘just be‘ and visualise/imagine other intrusive thoughts disappearing in a ‘thought shredder’. I have a t-shirt with ‘be’ hand written inside a hand drawn circle”- I will visualize a thought shredder next time I try to sleep, and I will repeat Just Be during the day. Thank you.

“I would love to fall through the cracks and stop this fog inducing medication from threatening my drivers license. Hopefully your issues are just related to stress.“- it is very important to keep ourselves as calm as possible.. just be calm, in all kinds of circumstances, best we can. As a rule, Calm Helps, Stress Harms.

I find it meaningful to communicate with you, thank you.

anita

Dear Klast: I feel like sharing this bit, following the above post- I just had half a glass of wine following an early lunch, and the pulsative tinnitus that was there all morning is gone.. how can this be, any idea (still hearing hissing/ ringing)?

anita

Dear Clara:

Thank you! Although I was up for a while in the early hours, I fell back asleep and had more sleep per night than I had in a long time.

“I was re reading some of our conversations recently… I started to understand breaking up is the way out for her to escape her emotions… this allows her to escape from me and thus no need to dig out the way she relates to me and others. Thus no need to reflect… say I want to run a marathon and got cold feet and just say ‘I am not interested its not for me’. This is a lie to myself and the negative feelings associated with me lying to myself, will unconsciously affect me. Because what I said and did, was not genuine“- Yes, I think that many people break up rather than reflect and change, so to avoid the pain, distress and hard work involved in reflecting and changing. 

On the other hand, when a person gets cold feet and says running is not for me!– it may be true and genuine (not a lie) that the person doesn’t like the idea of running, not anymore.

“But of course, the break up can also be something that she really wanted ( then I also cannot fully explain why she is in such a pain after u get something that u really want, anyways)“- I am sorry to say (because it hurts you), but from the totality of what you shared about her words and behaviors, it seems to me that she really wanted the breakup.

As far as her being in such a pain, last you shared about it was on Sept 7: “So I texted her early this week… She suggested…  to use a google form (to communicate in regard to the yoga studio, so that the two of you don’t meet there by accident). I thought it was a bit sad to revert to this, while I thought we could just text each other like normal interaction. So I counter suggested that I would just text her… Later that night I texted her… She… said she was too emotional still and was afraid if any of our conversation went sour, she could not handle, and so she wished to limit the interaction. She said I might think it’s easy for her to move on, but she was still in so much pain“- I am sorry to say this (again, because I think it hurts you..), but I think that the too emotional and so much pain are lies designed to make you feel less rejected by her, more empathetic to her, and therefore, less angry with her. I think that she is scared of you pursuing contact with her (texting, having conversations, and more), scared of your intensity (an intensity I noticed as a virtual 3rd party). She may be afraid that you will hurt her, that you will become a vindictive or vengeful ex.

The problem with these lies as that although it may calm you a bit (you thinking that she cares or cared so much for you, and will care again), long-term it keeps hope alive in you, and therefore,  it keeps you from moving on. Best would be if you really no longer contact her, not for any reason. This is what she really wants, seems to me. I am sorry.

“to answer your question: no I do no need for someone to save me. I think I would practice loving myself or my little self more so I feel the warmth and love from inside“- there many books and workbooks, real paper or online, in regard to Inner Child Work, which are designed to help people feel the warmth and love from inside. I wonder if you did any such work using a workbook..? (I did: Homecoming: Reclaiming and healing your inner Child/ John Bradshaw)

anita

double posting, I think- see my post submitted 3 minutes before yours..?

Dear Clara:

You are welcome. I am well other than not sleeping enough, thank you!

“I wrote something to my little self, telling her I love her the other day… But when I try to pamper or comfort my little self, I realized there are things that I wished someone else could tell me/ did to me, when I was younger, but nobody did. I think I am reliving the childhood for a very long period of time, the loneliness, the scare, the threatening environment… I still want to get in touch with her… that urge, somehow, is still there… I actually don’t miss the actual ‘her’. I miss the image of her, the future that ‘her’ may have with me,  the relationship that a ‘her’ could provide“-

– I think that the image of her is that someone else you wish was there for you during the loneliness, the scare, the threatening environment of your childhood. No wonder you still want to get in touch with the woman who represents this image.

There is still a lonely, scared, threatened girl within you looking to be saved..?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I can complete my reply this evening, so here it is:

“I mentioned a fear of being/becoming a narcissist. I believe both my parents are on this spectrum“, Seaturtle, Oct 11, 2023).

No wonder you weren’t seen growing up, and no wonder most recently, in regard to talking to K about yourself, at a certain point on, you felt that you were making things too much about yourself. Talking about yourself  is like leaving your shoes by the door, or dishes in the sink, or shoes downstairs, and being reprimanded for it. The “house cleaning” sessions were really about cleaning, or removing any expression of you from his house.

Both parents on the narcissistic spectrum, the daughter is not SEEN. A strong need to be seen was understandably born in childhood and adolescence.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

In regard to K: “as I would express myself..  I would start to feel like I was making things too much about myself... l like I am being selfish… I feel like I am oversharing, or over-burdening him” (Sept 15 & 18, 2024)

In regard to your father: “I left any trace of myself in ‘his’ house, he would get upset..  list all the ways I had exemplified being ‘ungrateful’ at his house… how I didn’t think about him” (Oct 11, 2023).

Craving to express yourself, to comfortably leave traces of yourself for others to see and hear, on one hand; feeling selfish when expressing yourself, on the other hand. I am reminded when you had your roommate/ friends at your father’s house not long ago, for a vacation, how you left no traces of yourself in his house before leaving.

It’s a conflict within you. I will write more tomorrow. You are welcome to add a post before I return to the computer.

anita