Dear Franco:

I like the direct, honest way. I am guessing there’ll be anxiety on your part whichever way you go (direct or indirect), so it’s not like the indirect way will be anxiety-free.

Plus the indirect way can bring confusion, as she may not know for sure what it is that you are looking for, and you may get confused about her replies, not knowing for sure if she is interested in you or not.

anita

Dear Franco:

“a friend of mine… told me to not catastrophize the event because It happens frequently when a man is interested in a woman to act a little awkward, happens to everybody“- when he said this to you, did you feel better/ calmer, as a result?

If you felt calmer, it means that hearing his words regulated your emotions of anxiety, embarrassment, etc.

What your friend did was take the same event that had upset you so much, and offered a different way of looking at it. Your way of looking at the event was something like this: I am one of the most unacceptably awkward man in the world,  and that’s why I was laughed at, and now, the girl knows how unacceptable I am.

These thoughts understandably, cause and fuel painful feelings of shame, despair, etc.

Your friend introduced different thoughts, paraphrased: You are not the only man in the world that feels awkward when approaching a woman, everyone feels awkward.

Same event; different interpretations.

When you notice next time that you feel anxious about a situation, ask yourself: is there a different (and possibly true) way of looking at this situation? Look at it from a different angle, see the bigger picture. This is part o Emotion Regulation.

“sometimes talking with a friend is helpful“- talking to a helpful friend is one way to regulate your emotions.

So is journaling, listening to calming music, taking a brisk walk outdoors, drinking hot tea, following guided meditations, doing yoga, Tai-Chi, and more.

“he suggested… message her on Instagram, but I don’t know what to write to start the conversation, life is short I want to know her“- you can message her that you want to get to know her. Did your friend suggest a message?

anita

* I want to add a note about Tommy’s post:

“Oh, wow, so much.. BS. No not the right word. You seem to be extremely cerebral… There is nothing special about enlightenment… Drop this monkey mind”–

– calling Peter’s thoughts and feelings BS? Telling him there is nothing special about what he believes to be special? Telling him to drop his ideas and beliefs?

And, sneakily, you say BS is not the right word, but you don’t delete the it.

You call him extremely cerebral: Wel, you Tommy were extremely rude here. Personally, I’ll take extremely cerebral over extremely rude any time of the day or night.

anita

Dear Franco:

Part of my recent availability is that I have Covid since yesterday and can’t go out..

I like it that you place some humor into what happened, good thing! Humor is one way to regulate emotions. There is no way to make emotions go away, but there are ways to regulate them.

“even a friend of mine told me not to think about it because it doesn’t mean that girl thinks badly of me“- looking at a situation that you interpreted a certain way, and asking yourself: is there another way to interpret this situation? is part of emotion regulation (part of CBT: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). It’s about seeking the correct, true interpretation of events instead of making assumptions.

Like I wrote to you before, maybe she likes shy guys, maybe her focus would be on your strengths, not on your weaknesses. I don’t know, but neither do you, unless you find out. We can talk more about this tomorrow.

anita

Dear Franco:

Understandable. Like I said, strong emotions are like internal powerful storms, that’s why it’s not possible to wish them away. Have to recover after a powerful storm. I hope you rest well, and when you are ready, maybe we can talk about Emotion Regulation: it’s about regulating/ calming strong emotions.

anita

Dear Gresshoppe:

I neglected to reply to you three days ago (Sun), but here I am.

“Normally, I would just say it, but he makes me nervous“- because he has anger issues (you shared that in the first page of your thread). It’s difficult to break up or.. slow down with someone who is angry and pushy.

Did you already have the talk with him?

anita

Dear Carol:

You are welcome! “if she takes days to reply, I guess I will have my answer… In both cases, I will give up on the friendship“- so, you are prepared for 3 out of 4 of the possibilities and give up the friendship as a result.

In regard to the 2nd possibility out of the four: “It would seem quite sudden, especially as we haven’t really been emotionally close in a long time. I think I would need some time one on one to rebuilt the friendship. Does that make sense?“- yes, it makes sense that you’ll need 1-on-1 time with her before meeting her boyfriend and his friends.

“Sometimes, I think the last one is the most likely to happen“- it will be interesting how she will respond, if it’d be one of the possibilities I mentioned or something that didn’t occur to me (or to you?)

“But I will find some peace in the fact that I have tried the best I could to salvage our friendship.“- peace of mind is so very important. More important than any friendship.

anita