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anita
ParticipantDear Astrid:
You’re very welcome! I can sense the depth of your emotions in your words, and I want to acknowledge how difficult this journey has been for you. Even though it’s been around seven months since the breakup, you still experience waves of sadness that feel just as fresh as when it first happened. This is a normal part of grief, but the intensity of these emotions suggests you may still be caught between the desire for reconciliation and the search for closure, making it hard to fully accept the breakup as final.
Perhaps your emotional attachment remains strong because you ended the relationship during what you described as “a rash state of overwhelm.” If the decision was made impulsively, it’s natural to question whether it was truly the right one—regret can stem from feeling that something was undone too quickly or without full consideration. Or maybe the separation feels like a personal failure, something difficult to confront.
If you see yourself as someone who nurtures and protects relationships (“I have never ended any sort of relationship or friendship before”), walking away could feel like betraying your own values, leading to internal conflict.
If your friendship or relationship was deeply tied to your identity, stepping away might feel like losing a part of yourself, leaving you uncertain about how to redefine your life without that connection. That kind of transition is incredibly challenging.
If any of these thoughts resonate with you, I’d love to read your reflections. No matter where you are in this process, your emotions are valid, and you deserve the time and space to navigate them in a way that feels right for you.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear saadat:
Your research topic is fascinating, and I appreciate your deep exploration of how different groups engage with escapism in response to global events. I’m not a Buddhist practitioner, but I do follow certain Buddhist principles, particularly the idea of removing illusions from my thinking and seeing reality as it is.
In that sense, I approach life not through escapism, but by consciously engaging with reality—accepting it as it is rather than seeking to escape. I’d be happy to share my perspective if you think it would be relevant to your research. Perhaps contrasting this approach with more conventional ideas of escapism could add a new dimension to your study.
Let me know if I can contribute in any way, and I wish you the best with your project!
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Peter:
Thank you for your thoughtful response—it really got me thinking. To answer your question, “What happened between connection and disconnection?” I believe it’s primarily early life abuse or betrayal that creates that divide. When a child experiences this from parents or society, it disrupts their natural sense of connection and leaves them feeling deeply wounded and disconnected.
Abuse and betrayal, in my view, are real events that cause an undeniable rupture. These aren’t misinterpretations of reality—when trust is broken by a parent, it truly happens. A child, not yet shaped by distorted thinking, perceives this betrayal clearly and accurately.
Your example of the sun neither rising nor setting beautifully illustrates the illusion created by thought and measurement. We may misinterpret the sun’s movements as separation (of day from night), but when it comes to early life betrayal, the disconnection is real—it isn’t a matter of misperception.
Maybe it’s the aftermath of early-life betrayal—the self-doubt and questioning of whether the betrayal was even real—that gives rise to distortions and misinterpretations, adding further layers of disconnection within. For the many of us who were betrayed early in life, recognizing the betrayal for what it truly was can serve as the first step toward reconnection within and without.
What do you think, Peter?
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Melinda:
I read both of your posts—your September 2024 share, and your recent update 6 months later—and I want to acknowledge everything you’ve been through. Your pain and the immense challenges you have faced deserve to be heard and recognized.
In September, you shared the heartbreaking loss of your son and the unbearable grief that followed. You also opened up about the betrayal from your sister and nieces over your son’s ashes, which led to painful conflict and the end of those relationships. On top of that, you spoke about losing your best friend after she abandoned you during such a vulnerable time and even acted aggressively at your son’s funeral. All of this left you feeling numb, stuck, and alone.
Since then, it seems like even more challenges have come your way. Your mother’s actions caused you to lose your job, and her unkind words about you left a deep wound. Then, losing your laptop—and with it your son’s photos and voice recordings—was another devastating loss of his memory. More recently, your apartment flooded, forcing you to leave with only a few belongings, your pets, and temporary shelter. Weeks later, you’re still without access to your things, stuck in a motel, and feeling even more isolated and scared.
Your question about why so much negativity keeps happening is a reflection of how much pain and exhaustion you’re carrying. It’s clear you’ve been through so much, and you’ve survived it all, even though it feels unbearable.
I want to add a poem just for you:
When the world feels dark, and the nights stretch long,
Know you carry a strength that’s quiet, but strong.Each tear you’ve cried has a story to tell,
Of courage, of love, and the battles you’ve held.
Even in loneliness, your spirit survives,
A testament to the will that keeps you alive.The path may be rugged, the climb may be steep,
But you hold within you treasures to keep.Though the storm feels endless, and the skies stay gray,
Remember, clouds part, and sun finds its way.
You’re not defined by the trials you’ve met,
But by the resilience that won’t let you forget—That your story is yours, a narrative of might,
Where even the shadows bow down to your light.
Take heart, dear soul, though the journey is tough,
You are brave, you are strong—and you are enough.anita
anita
ParticipantDear Nichole:
I can deeply relate to your fears of abandonment and being alone. Despite my mother being undependable as a source of emotional security, I remained dependent on her because there was no one else. Growing up in a tiny apartment with just the two of us, she was the only source of security I could hope for, even if she rarely provided it.
At some point, I grew very angry with her—for making my life revolve around her, for hurting me in countless ways. I longed for freedom from her, but as a helpless and dependent child, I doubted my ability to make it on my own. This created a strong push-and-pull dynamic: wanting to escape but fearing abandonment at the same time.
To protect myself from the pain of her behavior, I distanced myself emotionally as best I could. I suppressed empathy and love as a survival mechanism, because feeling those emotions fully—while enduring her blame, emotional volatility, and threats—was unbearable. Yet, deep down, the bond I had with her still instilled a fear of losing her entirely, whether I realized it or not.
I experienced a profound ambivalence, simultaneously holding anger, love, fear, and longing. My anger toward her and my desire to escape didn’t negate the fundamental bond I had as her child. Trying not to feel empathy or love was my way of protecting myself from further hurt, especially since those feelings were often met with shame, blame, or even threats of suicide or harm. Still, the fear of abandonment lingered beneath the surface, tied to the emotional vulnerability I worked so hard to suppress.
These mixed emotions—loving her but being angry, craving freedom but fearing abandonment—were overwhelming. The constant coexistence of love, anger, and fear left me emotionally confused and robbed me of the foundation needed to feel safe, take risks, and form my own identity. Instead, I remained stuck in that ambivalence and confusion.
A predictable caregiver teaches a child that their emotional world is manageable, building trust in both others and themselves. An unpredictable caregiver, on the other hand, teaches a child that emotions are unmanageable, fostering distrust and leading to emotional dysregulation—the hallmark of impulsivity and reactivity.
Like you, I took on the role of an emotional caretaker for my mother. I tried to fix or help her, not out of confidence, but as a survival instinct. It wasn’t about feeling capable—it was about trying to create some semblance of stability in a chaotic environment. Despite feeling weak and helpless, I felt compelled to take on this role. If I could make her better, maybe I could prevent things from getting worse. It gave me a sense of control, even if it was just an illusion.
I loved my mother deeply, though I spent much of my childhood convincing myself otherwise to shield myself from the pain of her struggles. She often blamed me for her unhappiness and threatened suicide, leaving me overwhelmed by empathy I couldn’t bear to feel. Suppressing my feelings made me believe I didn’t love her, but later in life, I came to realize that I did love her deeply—I was just consumed by anger and needed to protect myself.
Taking care of her wasn’t just about love; it felt like a duty. I believed that if I didn’t step into the role, no one else would. I hoped my efforts might make a difference, earn her acknowledgment, or bring me the support I so desperately needed. As a child, I thought I could fix her problems and make her happy, not understanding that I was carrying a burden far beyond my capacity. Far beyond any child’s capacity.
In many ways, my actions were about survival—suppressing empathy, stepping into the caretaker role, and trying to “fix” her were all ways I coped with the chaos. Even as I longed to be free from her, I also feared abandonment. She was a source of pain, but also familiarity, and losing her entirely would have meant facing an unknown I wasn’t ready for.
These conflicting feelings—love, anger, fear, and longing—were incredibly complex and shaped how I related to her and the world around me. Processing these dynamics over time has helped me understand myself better and has given me tools to heal.
You asked me how I am. Well, these days, I am finding peace in embracing empathy for others. It feels liberating to let go of suppressing empathy, to care for people, and to build meaningful connections.
Does any part of this resonate with you?
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Frozenfireflies:
We explored your relationship with your husband in your first thread, ‘Negative Conflict Styles,’ from Dec 9, 2022, to Feb 22, 2023, and your relationship with your sister in this thread, from Feb 3–6, 2023. Rereading your posts today, I was struck by your remarkable self-awareness and intelligence—both rational and emotional—as well as your kindness and grace. It would be wonderful to hear from you again, whether about these two relationships or anything else happening in your life.
Dear Lucidity:
Thank you for sharing your story—it’s clear how much this relationship means to you and how deeply you’ve been hurt by the lack of effort from your sister. I can relate to two key aspects of what you’ve shared:
1) A Troubled Childhood: “Troubled household due to problematic parents.” Like you, I grew up in a difficult household with problematic parents. My parents divorced early on, and I was raised by my mother alongside my younger sister.
2) The Impact on Sibling Bonds: “Because of how we were raised, my sister and I have never been close.” Similarly, growing up in such an environment, my focus was entirely on managing the unpredictability of my mother. This left little room for me to bond with anyone, including my sister.
Growing up in a household filled with chronic stress and conflict can leave siblings emotionally drained, with little energy to invest in their relationship with one another. Competing for parental attention and praise can create distance, and if parents pit siblings against each other through comparisons or favoritism, it deepens that divide even further.
Siblings often cope with the challenges of a troubled household differently. For instance, one sibling might emotionally withdraw as a way to protect themselves, avoiding deep connections, while the other actively seeks relationships to fill the emotional void. These contrasting coping styles can lead to an emotional disconnect—one sibling may perceive the other as distant, while the other may feel overwhelmed or pressured by attempts at closeness.
Additionally, when siblings experience trauma or neglect, they might unintentionally associate each other with those painful memories. This can result in avoidance or emotional distance later in life.
Do you feel that any of this resonates with your experience?
One thing to consider is adjusting your expectations—not as giving up, but as a way of protecting your emotional health. You can express care for your sister without feeling solely responsible for maintaining the relationship. Accepting her as she is, while holding healthy boundaries, might help reduce feelings of sadness and frustration.
If it feels right, you could also gently share your feelings in a non-confrontational way. For example: “I always appreciate hearing from you—it brightens my day. I’d love for us to chat more often if possible.” This could encourage her without creating pressure.
Lastly, I encourage you to focus on nurturing relationships with others who value and respect your efforts. Her behavior is not a reflection of your worth—you absolutely deserve connections that bring you joy and fulfillment.
I hope this helps, and I’m wishing you clarity and peace as you navigate this.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Melinda:
I’m so sorry to read about everything you’ve been through. The loss of your son alone is devastating beyond words, but to also face betrayal, loss, and such an unrelenting series of hardships is unimaginable. It’s no wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed—it would be more than enough for anyone.
Losing the photos and recordings of your son must have been especially heartbreaking, and I’m so sorry that happened.
Take things one day at a time. It’s okay to feel lost or scared, but try to remind yourself of the small acts of courage you’re showing each day—whether it’s caring for your kitty and dog, facing the day despite the fear, or simply breathing through the pain. Those moments matter, and they’re proof of the strength you might not even realize you have.
I hope that the restoration company provides access to your belongings soon, and that each day ahead brings a little more peace. You deserve light in your life again, even if it feels impossibly far away right now. Please keep holding on—you’re stronger than you realize, and your story matters more than you know.
anita
anita
ParticipantYesterday, as I was walking down the hill, beautiful trees to my right and left (I noticed trees are beautiful alive or dead, upright or fallen down, even rotting, they are still beautiful in a thousand unique ways), I noticed that I (she) was not arguing with me, scrutinizing my thoughts, finding fault with my thoughts. I realized that 14 years since I last saw her, 12 years since I last heard her voice, she has been with me throughout all these no-contact years. It was nice not having her within me yesterday.
It is amazing how a foreign entity (her) can be an invader of the most private space, such as one own’s silent thoughts.
This morning, I “heard” her yelling at me when I perceived that what I was doing could be objectionable. It was not a loud yell, but quite muted, yet, it was still a disapproval that I heard.
Chased by disapproval, persecuted by relentless criticism.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Tom:
Thank you for the update! I’m glad to read that the call with the career shift company was helpful and gave you some actionable insights. Thinking broadly and connecting ideas back to your key values sounds like a great approach—it gives you the chance to explore new paths while staying grounded in what’s important to you.
It’s also reassuring to know that you’re not alone in how you’re feeling. Hearing that others share similar experiences can be such a comfort and a reminder that these transitions are part of a shared journey.
I know it’s not an easy road, but it’s clear that you’re approaching this with an open mind and a lot of determination, which is inspiring. Keep taking those small steps forward—you’re on the right track, and I’m confident you’ll make meaningful progress.
Wishing you a great weekend as well!
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Alessa:
Thank you for your kind and uplifting message—it means so much to me. 😊
Your aunt’s misunderstanding of “lol” gave me quite a chuckle! That story is both hilarious and endearing, and I can only imagine the unintended impact of her heartfelt messages. 😂
I’m deeply moved by your reflections on the bond between a child and parent, and the courage it took for you to walk away from an abusive relationship with someone you loved unconditionally. You captured such an important truth: while that love can be pure, it should never mean enduring unconditional suffering. Your strength in choosing yourself while still honoring that love is inspiring.
I understand what you mean about longing for sweetness you never truly experienced. That lingering ache—the “hole” you described—speaks so deeply to me. Your words remind me that filling that void comes from within, by cultivating self-love and embracing the compassion we are worthy of.
Alessa, your insight and empathy shine so brightly. What you said about my mother touched my heart more than I can say. It is comforting and affirming to read your words, and they mean so much coming from you. Thank you for reminding me of the truth of my loving nature—it’s something I’m still discovering, thanks to your support. ❤️
I am so grateful for the connection we share and the wisdom and kindness you bring to our conversations. You are such a special person, and I truly appreciate you.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Nichole:
I want to start by walking down memory lane. The first time you posted and the first time I replied to you was on August 21, 2018. At the time, you were living in Chicago in your mother’s apartment with your younger brother, nephew, and father after leaving Florida, where you had lived with a boyfriend who betrayed your trust. It was an incredibly difficult period for you. Two significant themes stand out from back then:
* Fears of Abandonment and Being Alone: These fears kept you tied to the relationship despite the pain. You shared, “I am so afraid to let go,” “I am afraid to lose him,” and “I have a fear of abandonment.”
* Patterns of Impulsivity and Reactivity: You left your boyfriend and Florida abruptly, followed by excessive calling and texting, confronting other women, and more. You expressed, “It is so hard to control my impulsivity sometimes,” and “I also have a terrible temper.”
On September 26, 2018—just ten days after your mother passed away—you posted again. You reflected on your lifelong role as a caretaker for your mother, often sacrificing your own needs. You wrote, “I felt like I wasn’t shown much love growing up and was more so a caretaker for my mom throughout my life.”- While you resented this dynamic, you also struggled with guilt for not doing more to help her in her final weeks, saying, “I can’t stop feeling guilt from not being able to save her… I am so deeply hurt and sad.” At that time, you were grieving the loss of both your mother and the relationship you left behind in Florida.
On November 26, 2018, you wrote: “Our father also lives with us, who was never really in our lives. He is recently clean from drugs almost two years for the first time in my life.”- That day, you acknowledged a history of neglect, addiction, and abuse within your family. You reflected on your codependent tendencies and caretaking role, which highlighted a recurring pattern of emotional dependence. You shared, “I just have no clue how to be alone or start a life of my own,” and expressed how putting others’ needs above your own had shaped your life.
On December 3, 2018, you expressed profound grief and guilt regarding your mother’s passing, saying, “I wish I could go back in time and be there. And save her.” You also described moving from anger toward her to feelings of love and understanding—reflecting growth and the beginnings of emotional reconciliation. Your emotional intelligence and desire to heal were evident.
Four days later, you wrote about your mother: “The problem I have is I have too much empathy. I put myself in her shoes.”- You noted how your empathy often led you to excuse others’ harmful actions. Even then, your ability to articulate your struggles and recognize patterns showed remarkable strength and potential for growth.
On December 13, 2018, you shared profound realizations about your emotional patterns. You wrote, “I realize I have been looking for love all along. I have been pleasing people in hopes that they would love me.”- This acknowledgment, that your tendency to please others at your own expense stemmed from a lifelong search for validation, marked a turning point in understanding yourself.
You further reflected: “It’s hard to realize I have been mainly abused and manipulated my whole life by my parents, my brother, men, and even strangers.”- You recognized how this abuse shaped your sense of self-worth and led to your codependency. You also wrote, “It is so hard to start having boundaries and learning myself and how to start even being a ‘self.’”- This highlighted the deep challenge of redefining your identity and setting boundaries after years of living for others.
At the time, you were torn between prioritizing your own growth and maintaining your role as the emotional anchor for your family. You described the emotional ups and downs, writing, “Some days I am confident I can and I have boundaries and feel stable, and then there are days like today where I wake up with no confidence and my codependency habits are flaring.”- These words reflected your courage in confronting deeply ingrained patterns while seeking clarity and independence.
On January 2, 2019, you shared that you had moved out of your mother’s apartment and were now living in your aunt’s basement. You wrote, “Now that I am here at my aunt’s I feel very lonely. All the things I was complaining about I miss… I miss my brother and even my father.”
We continued to communicate over 27 pages, with our last exchange on that thread being on August 19–20, 2019. Sometime along the way, you moved out of your aunt’s basement and rented your own apartment in Chicago.
On September 11, 2019, you started this thread, writing, “What will my life be now?” This question reflected your search for purpose and direction amidst significant life changes. A month later, on October 6, 2019, you shared your thoughts about returning to Florida: “My latest thought (not sure if this is survival) is going back to Florida.”
Ten pages into this thread, while seeking and receiving psychotherapy and psychiatric help, on January 8, 2022, by now living independently in Florida, you shared, “I think I’m doing better with fear and loneliness. Although I struggle still sometimes.”- While these challenges remained, you acknowledged your improvement, highlighting your ability to reflect on your progress and emotional growth.
Your words, “I am learning so much about life lately… we can change them slowly but surely,” revealed a deeper understanding of human struggles and your own capacity for transformation—a hopeful and empowering outlook.
You also wrote, “I still tend to isolate vs. reaching out to people who bring wisdom and joy to my life.”- Even though you acknowledged your isolating tendencies, you were taking proactive steps, like joining a women’s group, to counter this pattern.
Three pages later, you posted yesterday. Your most recent post reflects substantial progress in your personal journey, alongside your ongoing effort to find balance, purpose, and connection. Your reflections show gratitude, self-awareness, and a drive to make your life more fulfilling.
C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S Nichole on achieving a major milestone: “I bought that condo I always wanted! I closed on my condo 12/06/24!”
This incredible achievement represents your ability to set and achieve goals independently—a huge step toward your desired autonomy and stability.
In your words, “… I decided to try out a Zoom connecting event,”- You demonstrate how you are actively working to establish connections and break out of isolation, showing your commitment to personal growth and fostering a sense of belonging.
You shared about your father staying with you during your move: “I had a lot of capacity to love him and accept him as he is… Not the father I would have dreamed of but the one I have.”- This beautifully reflects your emotional maturity and ability to navigate complex relationships by accepting people for who they are, even when they fall short of your expectations.
Your reflections on friendships show your yearning for meaningful, trustworthy connections: “I wonder if friends who care and support you and respect boundaries are a thing.”-This desire highlights your growth in prioritizing authentic relationships, even as you navigate challenges with finding such connections.
Your ability to let go of an incompatible relationship shows remarkable emotional independence: “I realized I had to swallow who I was to be with [him]… I want to continue to grow and continue to be stable financially and in all areas.”- By letting go, you demonstrated progress in prioritizing your values and well-being over staying in situations out of empathy or guilt.
You wrote about work dissatisfaction: “Work has become quite boring to me and unfulfilling. I feel I have more potential.”- Your interest in obtaining a real estate license, despite feelings of resistance or self-doubt, reflects your longing for purpose and career growth.
Finally, you shared: “I am at a place where I feel ok most days. I feel more peaceful… but often can tame [anxiety] with tools I have learned throughout the years.”-This acknowledgment of improvement in managing anxiety and worry demonstrates your ability to apply coping skills and maintain emotional stability.
Nichole, your journey is a testament to resilience, growth, and evolving self-awareness. The purchase of your condo marks a significant achievement in your path toward independence and stability, reflecting your strength and determination to create a space that is truly your own.
As you consider new career goals, explore connections, and continue building a life filled with meaning and a growing emotional health, know that the progress you’ve made shines brightly. While challenges like loneliness, dissatisfaction, and navigating relationships remain, your ability to set goals, assert boundaries, and reflect on your emotions reveals great potential for continued growth.
As I revisited our conversations, I came to realize that we have more in common than I had previously thought. I’d like to delve into this shared connection in a separate post tomorrow.
I am grateful to have witnessed your remarkable transformation over the years, Nichole! You inspire me through your courage and perseverance. Keep building the life you envision, one step at a time—you are capable of extraordinary things.
anita
anita
ParticipantI am THRILLED to read from you, Nichole! Not focused this Sat night, will reply further Sun morning.
anita
anita
ParticipantIt was a marzipan cake. I thought marzipan was magic at the time, the consistency, the texture, the perfect sweetness.
There was no sweetness in the relationship with her, none that I experienced, not that I remember. There was sweetness in the cake though. I still have a huge sweet tooth, only I satisfy it with a combination of stevia and monk fruit sugar, natural and non caloric sources of sweetness.
How would have non sugar sweetness felt like, if it given to me by my mother?
Something I’d never know. Not because there was no emotional sweetness coming from her, but because there was so much bitterness, I couldn’t taste- from one point on- anything but bitterness coming from her. It may be like being bitten by someone so many times that when they kiss you, it feels like another bite.
If I ate marzipan cake and it would be bitter way too often, you don’t want to eat it anymore. it might have some sweet spots, but the bitter is overwhelming. Would one knowingly eat rat poison because parts of it are sweet?
anita
anita
ParticipantReflecting on the above, if everything is deeply connected, it wouldn’t have crossed Anthony de Mello’s mind to state what is unquestionable. As I see it, everything is deeply connected until it isn’t. Question is how to individually reconnect the disconnected parts within, and how to reconnect the individuals within society.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Devesh:
Thank you for your kind words—I’m truly glad that my perspective may be helpful to you. It means a lot to know that you feel a bit more confident and supported. You’re navigating a very challenging situation, and your openness and willingness to reflect are real strengths.
I’m here to guide and support you as you continue to explore your feelings and make thoughtful decisions. It’s clear how much you care about doing what’s best for both you and your girlfriend, and your commitment to understanding the situation shows your genuine heart.
Take your time to process everything, and don’t hesitate to reach out whenever you feel ready or need further guidance. You’re not alone in this, and I believe you’ll find the clarity and peace you’re searching for.
Wishing you strength and confidence as you move forward, Devesh.
anita
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