everything!

she is so intellegent, funny but in a nerdy way, she is kind when i go to office hours. I do not think she would ever go for girls, i mean i have never even done that! but this is the first time i actually go to office hours and interact with a professor, even emailing. I email her at least two times a week for school related purposes of course, but when her email comes i get so excited.

more than anything i am really sad that i cannot take her class next semester since it is full.  please how do i stop feeling this sadness that i will never be able to be with her or even see her after semester is over.

well she said and i quote ” i am better off with out you” .

i apologized if i said anything that offended her, and that it was not my intentions to hurt her feelings. but  it is almost like she did not care anymore because she did not even bother to tell me what i had said that bothered her.

i just dont even know where we stand. like does not being friends mean not saying hi? not looking over at her? this is so weird.

but why not tell me that something i say is hurtful to her? i dont understand that, had i known that i was hurting her feelings i would have stopped saying that. i am left mystified and shocked without any understanding of it. and i dont think the right word is “abusive” i dont think that it was that bad. but maybe for her it was. im just in so much pain right now. i feel people now a days, dont forgive or give you a chance to fix things, they just dump you and move on. so many misunderstandings for lack of communication, if people expressed their feelings more there would not be as many misunderstandings. to her, the good outweighed the bad, to me i thought i was being a great friend, and then overnight, i find out i wasnt, and that hurts. the words she used cut really bad. i do not even want to go to class today because we have the same one. it is hard to fight back the tears.

what happened is she has another friend who has really good grades. so she told her to apply to the same job that she was applying to. and so the friend with the better grades got the job, she did not. so i told her why she sent the application to the girl with the better grades because her chances decreased at getting in. that was one of the arguments we had. what she says about me “putting her down” i do not know, she never told me. i just feel incredibly hurt because, if i was such a bad friend, then why stay my “friend” for a long time, why stick around? i feel she did that because she needed good grades, and i let her copy my homework, quizes, tests. everything. i was her cheerleader for school, lifted her up when she said she wasnt good enough for school, when she cried because she wasnt gonna pass her classes. i was there for her. and it hurt that all this time i thought i was being the best friend i could be, and it turns out that for her, i was the worst friend.

she never told me, i asked her and she did not reply back about that…i just kept telling her that if i would have known i would have fixed it or try my best. but she never said what i was telling her. i just feel like we went through a lot school wise and saw each other almost every day, studying, and then out of the blue ” i have been a bad friend all along” , but what about the times i have helped her? thank you for the reply.

ok i see what you are saying….and yes i guess it does go back to one specific relationship i had…the feeling that you are not good enough for someone, that you are not worth the fight…one ex boyfriend left me with this feeling. So when this guy ended things (hollywood date) i felt the same all over again. i felt like i wasnt good enough for him, like i was not worth it….i guess this part is right…im not obsessed with him even though it may seem. and i do want to take things slow, im  just scared!

i guess what i am saying is just based on all my past relationships or dates, i would say most if not all guys wanted to see me soon after the first date and they would always drive to me. im not saying i never drove to them but i feel like at first during the dating period the guy should court you. perhaps i was raised with very traditional thinking, but i respects others views on this and this is just my view, my values, my traditions. I dont “expect” him to drop everything for me, i just expect him to show some interest…in 3 weeks a lot can happen. I am actually talking to 2 guys at the moment who i already made plans to see this week. im just confused as to why he is not thinking about this…and yes i rejected him at first but then we agreed to see each other and then he rejected me 2 times after that, so we are on friendly terms now. We still want to tray but this is just i dont know.  why do you think something is wrong with me though???