March 14, 2018 at 11:17 am #197263
Dear Tiny Buddha,
I am facing a friendship dilema,
My friend and I got into an argument and have not really spoken since.
I got upset at my friend because she never wants to come to lecture, but expects me to record and send her the notes. I feel like I am being taken advantage off.
I have not told her this because it seems that at 26 (we are both 26 years old) you should now that you are responsible for taking your own notes.
Yesterday, she came up with her “excuse” very long excuse that she always comes up with and i pretty much lost it. I live 25 minutes away from campus, i get up at 6 am for this class, i park far to get to my class, i am taking 4 science classes with lab, i work 2 times a week, Meanwhile, she ONLY has one class, no job, lives 5 min away so she can wake up much later, and uses her dad's handicap parking so she parks literally in the back of the class room. If i can make it to class, why cant she????
And the thing is, i am always feeling like i should apologize because it really bothers me when i don't talk to someone or end things on a bad note. Should i reach out to her even though i feel like she is in the wrong??? Why can't others apologize first once in a while.
Thank you!March 14, 2018 at 12:17 pm #197289
I think you should assert yourself with this friend (if friend is a correct word here). Tell her that you will not accommodate her anymore in the ways that you have. Tell her that not in an apologetic tone or way and not in anger, but in a matter of fact way, firmly. Look her in the eyes as you say that. It may be scary for you to do so, but it will be a great exercise and is likely to make you feel so much better about yourself.
Assertiveness is a necessary skill to have, to aim at, to practice, to get better at with practice.. a necessary skill to have in our quest for well-being and a good life.
You don't need to apologize to a person who is misusing you, as if saying: I am sorry that I don't want you to take advantage of me. Instead, you state: I will not let you take advantage of me.
I hope you post again.
anitaMarch 14, 2018 at 1:56 pm #197303
So i should be the one to initiate it ?March 15, 2018 at 3:12 am #197343
My advice: depends, if there was more to the friendship than her taking advantage of you, if she was at times helpful to you, if she did things for you, if she was attentive and kind to you, then it may make sense that you initiate contact with her and suggest that you talk.
But do not apologize for not having let her take advantage of you last time, and do not suggest that you are willing in the future to be taken advantage.
Also, don't suggest to her that she shouldn't take advantage of you because she has all these advantages over you that you listed. Instead assert your position: what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do.
Were there harsh words used before the two of you stopped talking, words she used or that you used, accusations and such?
anitaMarch 15, 2018 at 5:37 am #197367
I wouldn't talk to her. But if she dares ask for your notes again, simply say, “No” with no explanation. The awkwardness will fall squarely back on her. It sounds like the friendship is on the outs anyway if you feel like you are friends only when it suits her.
It would be different if she made it to class most of the time.
If you're too scared to be direct, just say one of these each time she asks: “I wasn't in class that day”, “My pen ran out”, “I'll get those notes to you later” (not), “I can't find the notes!!”, “I fell asleep in class!!!”, “I was talking to this hot guy during class and didn't exactly write anything down!”, have the notes be illegible, have the notes be in shorthand.
Oh my goodness, you can fun with this!!! She will quickly learn that it's actually easier to get to class. If only to befriend someone else to give her their notes or to meet the imaginary hot guy!
InkyMarch 15, 2018 at 2:40 pm #197505
Your tinybuddha name tells me that you want to make changes in your life. I wonder why you want to be friends who is out of integrity by using a handicap spot and being mad at you for refusing to do something that she is responsible for.
I would examine yourself on why you want to stay in relationship/friendship with such a person.
You already know that you are in the right on this. You already asserted your boundaries on letting her know that you will not do her bidding anymore.
We can tell you what to do or not to do. This is up to you to determine how much you value yourself, your values, your boundaries.