Thank you.

I was riding the bus today, and I was thinking to myself, what is it. Then it became apparent, as I looked to the past, how this wouldn’t have mattered back then, I realize that it wasn’t just that it didn’t matter, also that I was comfortable with either, because either will happen. I’ve been persistent on trying to understand everything I do out of control, to not be confused or uncertain on what is “me.” Well, me is not just this awareness, as each one of us are molded into our own suits of armor, infinite and unique minds, we are also these things, because they are a direct reflection and part of who we are. I realized back then, months ago, I said something about control  , us not being dominant over the things that make us who we are, and that was a lie. Although control IS dominance, we must exert it over our entity, or else, just like a car, there is no body in the passenger seat pressing the gas, turning the wheel, switching gears, we’d just sit in place, on the side of the road when we must be driving ON the road. We are in control, and I’ve lost it these past months, letting thoughts and emotions reign over who I am. But once I understand one thing, it becomes clear. No matter how you breathe, hoe you blink, how your heart beats, you are just breathing, blinking, alive. Surely I can differentiate between the two, but trying to do so frantically is separating the entity I am, when really it is all the same. At the end of the day, I won’t know every time, and even if I did, what would that change, what would that serve? Just to feed my ego, and I won’t allow it to dictate what I pursue. If I know I have control, and not everything takes my control, than what is there to know?

Exactly, whether I breathe and it’s a forced exhale, or I notice my lungs, rising and falling, it’s all the same, there is not one to the other that means more, the purpose is equal.

Just breathe.

I hope this makes sense to you, because the first time in a long time, I feel more certain about myself again. Thanks again 🙂

that’s the thing, I am just being conscious of my breathing or am I controlling. What I think is I never questioned this before, I didn’t care for it, even if it was OCD, why don’t I feel afraid? Trying to find an answer shows a sign of fear but it’s because this, how can’t I tell? Shouldn’t I be able to tell? I try and think about it and more and more I understand that although these are normal things our body does, why does the thought even occur? 

I try try and convince myself, which I have done a good job at doing, that it doesn’t really matter, and I am just aware, and even if it feels like a I am controlling it, I doesn’t mean just my consciousness, knowing I am not my mind or body assures me that both can act on its own as well. Maybe I have just become afraid of being in control of myself, my body, my mind, etc. After everything and seeing how bad things can turn made me fearful at even the thought of control over my actions, and the doubt of not knowing if I even am controlling myself makes me uncertain of myself even more. What are your thoughts, I know peace lies within you, and going to a therapist might not even help, but I know if we spoke to one another as people, human beings, that can be all the help I need. I don’t ask myself that too much, but if just feels like something that can cleared up, with truth. You told me to move forward I must unlearn whatever lies are filling me. And Ive done a good job at being introspective and asking myself what needs to be solved, facing thoughts, emotions, and not allowing them to rule me, even if they affect me. So please, I know things are close to being back to the way they once were, calm and in peace. So please, all I ask for is what I’ve gaven others in their time of need, help.

– Environmental
– Genetic
– Behavioral

– This began during the summer, I was pushing myself to the limits, and facing issues with family. Both did not mix and well and took a toll on my health, both mental and physical. Whether it began mentally or physically is something I don’t remember, but I remember the first thing I remember clearly facing was doubt, this is where I felt the overwhelming doubt. I battled these thoughts, until I reached the brink of this earth, is rationality even real? Is right wrong? This continued until I stopped battling these thoughts, but the feeling lasted, my mind went haywire, my thoughts were racing, and I did not know what was happening to me, is it me? As this continued, it bled into the physical, feeling like I had no control and fearing the things that SEEMED like I had no control over added onto that anxiety, and mistakingly, I tried to hard to use my mind to unravel things, but as things got better, as I researched these symptoms, feelings, thoughts, etc. I realized that if mere thoughts or using the power of my mind would not solve things, than it is not something with me, not in my morals, principles, ideas, beliefs, etc. I let these thoughts come and go, wrote them down, and allowed myself to topple down, rather than uphold a broken building. I blamed myself, but as I heard before and more likely believe now, it is not my fault, just the very thing that it was Anxiety that increased and prolonged within me shows that it has a message behind it. My family planted a seed of doubt within me, with their accusations of character, disbelief, etc. Surely enough, it blossomed inside me, manifesting itself in my mind as them in my most anxious times, and living on inside me through my own voice, believing and listening. But one day I heard myself calmly say, it is me.
– None of this is my fault it is what was brought onto me, after years and years of environmental stress, behavioral habits, and genetically inclined to fall trap to something like Anxiety or Depression, I was being set up for failure. None of this is my fault, but as I step away from common and general knowledge, regardless if it makes me in some way, I know staying mentally shackled will be my fault, if I don’t get up and do something nothing will change.

– This all happened before, the answer is the same, but the search to find it was completely different. Whatever path you take, there is always going to be failures and successes, the possibilities are endless, and it’s always possible to doubt everything, counter everything, it doesn’t make it any more than a possibility, more so pointless. It’s not about living without, it’s about rising above.

I felt wise, I feel broken, I have transformed to the worst me.
It all started when I thought to myself how these thoughts can’t be mine, but was to fearful to even consider that it is not me, because that lead to more anxiety. “Am I a Schizophrenic, Do I have a Personality disorder?” Reliance on Logic and Emotions become non existent, not knowing what to think when rationality settles in but Anxiety dumps more and more thoughts, until it arrives to the point an entirely new perspective is born. Maybe what I have to unlearn that this is me, when this is nothing like me, because if it was, it wouldn’t be new.
It isn’t new, being put down and unsupported throughout life living in the environment I did coinciding with low self esteem and lack of confidence made me self deprecative as an adolescent. It isn’t new becoming the worst me, being spoon fed lies and fear until it manifests itself in my very own live.
I disagree with needing to unlearn first, because it all begins with learning more internally or externally. Maintaining physical health helps diminish the emotional blockade, learning and knowledge re establishes the logical connection with reality.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by Adrian Gallardo.

What I have come to find out is this.
Overtraining caused an increase in anxiety, after reading Anita’s post about there being a message, sure enough I felt anxious thinking that, so I knew something was unsettled inside me. I am afraid of being wrong as a good person, and the wrong people being right, this goes back to battling my thoughts. It was always me defending myself, but my family’s words would haunt me, leaving me to feel devastated, I understand the increased anxiety tricked me to believing that I was wrong, and that there shouldn’t be any room for doubt. Anxiety made me react differently, when thoughts like that would arise I would quickly shut them down due to their falsehood, and carry on. Anxiety has a way to make you turn inward, and claw away at your very being until there is nothing left, when in reality, it was mothing inward that is the answer. I believe anxiety is what makes a mountain out of a molehill, these fears are irrational, but anxiety keeps you mentally imprisoned, catastrophizing small situations, destroying who you are until you become someone else.

I know this because I sat down and asked what scared me. Blinking? No, what scares me is that I’m blinking uncontrollably without conscious effort, and what’s even scarier is that I know these things are effortless, tapping into your bodies abilities without thought or fear. But the truth is, my eyes are excessively blinking due to a need for glasses, due to eye strain, astigmatism, etc. I remember trying to interfere out of fear, that I’m doing it, because anxiety makes it internal. But there’s one thing to always remember, if it’s internal, you have to the power to change it. If there’s a great lesson I learned was we are not in control, we are a unity, each individual person, mind, body, and soul. I pray for the day everyone in this world will unify, but with the control I do have, I won’t stop trying to make a difference, to make dreams come true and follow my intuition.

It’s ok, sometimes I don’t understand too. But what I still understand is that it’s all been a big trick, I used to think I had anxiety, but really my environment made me anxious more often, fearing things will turn out violent and I would have to step in. I blame myself for putting myself in this position, but I don’t blame myself for how I approached things, inward and felt like things were greater than or rather than anxiety. These past months I felt how anxiety really feels, and the only thing I have left to say is this. There is never going to be a magic bullet, furthermore, I must not search for one. I must get through my issues head on and be able to understand how, nor by luck or chance, through my own analytical thinking and will.
“But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward.”
Thanks for the help Anita.

In a black and white world, each one of us is gray. In a web of mishaps, how can you untangle it without your conscious abilities, without the perspective that suits you? How can you fro anything when you feel lost, wrong, worried, and afraid? That is what scared me, sure Anxiety manifestated itself in ways I couldn’t not comprehend, we fear what we don’t understand, what we don’t know, and just imagine turning from a strong understanding of your entity and life to doubting your entirety has a human being and questioning every aspects of life?
Death is inevetiable, so is life, I’m not afraid of dying, as I understand it’s apart of life. What I meant when I said fearing losing everything is this, when you build a tower, it doesn’t crumble and fall quickly, it takes time for it to tumble. So when I underwent what I did I didn’t know what to believe, because so didn’t know what to think, because I lost faith in myself as I battled thoughts, and I believed those thoughts meant something in my morals, actions, beliefs, were wrong, I slowly sunk back to that sad little kid I once was.
Death is invetiable, but your fall and how you fall is not, so it’s either you or something else, your fall is not invetiable because you’re fate is in your hands. We all make mistakes, but when you don’t know what you did wrong, masked behind something so destructive as anxiety, how can you rise?
Everything can be solved, I just made the mistake of letting my ego get in the way, not in a hot headed way, I was just too proud of myself, which blinded me to the things I see now.