but honestly i miss that..  when we used to talk with each other a lot..  laugh together… love each other. now i feel so lonely. no matter how much i tried to talk with some of my close friends.. I’ll always miss her and feel lonely.

also.. this break up really makes me feel kinda traumatized to any kind of relationship. i dont want to open up my heart again. is it wrong?

i don’t want to love anyone anymore. it’s enough. i wont find someone new.

but i really want to sleep… im so tired lately..and i cant stop crying, maybe i have to take it later.

maybe, they always yelling at me though.. even since i was a kid. maybe im actually not that good enough. but anita, i usually go to the church these whole time in my life, but today. i was so fucked up and then yeah.. they’re yelling at me

yes maybe it’s right..but to be honest i still really love her… so much.. im also worried about her being stuck with that depression again forever you know?

i think when i was 12 years old..or i guess younger than that.. i dont know exactly when but im still remember that when im so young..i already feel like im useless, i already hate anything about myself.

sadly i cant sleep anymore…should i back to eat that pill again to make me sleep?

oh and also i just got another fight again with my parents today, i feel so fucked up

exactly, i always think like ‘we’re all gonna die anyway’ that’s why i want to die so badly, you know.. all of this is too much for me, that’s why i want to make it happen sooner.

i dont know all of my pain will end or not, i feel i’ll always be like this…im already broken.. im fucked up. so what’s the point anymore? nothing in this life is worth to live for.

i really love her so much, because she’s so different than anyone that i’ve ever met. she really have such a good heart, she’s so lovely, she have a good sense of humor, she’s smart, she can make me feel like i have some support and hope on keep living my life you know? i always feels like anything could happen when im with her… and if you know me, im actually a person that not really that fast to fall in love with someone, i even dont trust to anything about love or relationship before i met her. she changed me to be a better person. but… unfortunately, her depression makes her become a different person. she’ll ignore everyone, based on what she told me.. she’s not just ignoring me.. she also ignore her parents whenever she’s depressed.

so a couple hours ago, i just find out again she’s online there…and i was so mad and texted her there like “it’s so fun to find someone else in here, right?” then she told me she’s not looking for someone else here…she told me she didn’t know that i didnt trust her at all. and then she told me she’s talking with a gay guy there just to find someone to talk to, she said she’s trying to live her life and she’s trying to talk with random person there that didnt know about her mental illness just to feel normal for a while she said. and she told me, she cant do this anymore..she doesnt want to hurt me with her illness. she told me she’ll be always a burden for me and i will never live my life to the fullest if i keep in  a relationship with her. what have i done….did i make her feel uncomfortable this whole time? she told me i have to be happy with myself and live my life to the fullest, she ever told me that.. she’ll never change.. she told me she’s already that broken from that depression.

anita i cant lose her… i love her so much, im sorry if im a little bit being an asshole here like trying to hide my problems here..but i really just feels like im hopeless..and i was also spent my time crying again..so it’s really hard for me to write here……

i love her..i dont want her to go.what should i do?

before i met this woman, i actually have some plans.. i used to have a plans like..get a job someday after i finished my study and then do everything what i want, do some bad and crazy things like drunk, using drugs, sleep with anyone i want to.. then kill myself. believe it or not,that’s my plans.. and i used to think about this plans like when im 17-18 years old i guess….and  is it weird i feel so excited to think about that plans and im so excited to just kill myself in the end? , i already hate my life that much even before i met her. but after i met her i feel so happy and somehow im not thinking about that dumb plans anymore, after i met her i always think about to meet her there in her country and then spend my whole life with her.  i dont know what to say about my life anymore anita… im so lost and confused right now, i dont know who i am, i dont know should i keep living or not, i dont kow what my life is…

last night i fell asleep at 4 am, then when i woke at 7 am.. i checked on my phone and it turns out she replied my text at 5 am. i didn’t try to reaching for her anymore so far. i’ve ignoring everyone, i’ve turned off my phone.. i think i’ll turned it off for some months or even more, idk it’s the right decision or not. i still feel so fucked up to be honest, i kinda feel that suicidal thoughts back again, especially in the middle of the night.. i cant sleep.

and lastly, should i still give her a birthday gift? I’ve ever promised her to payback what she ever give to me in my birthday.. i know this question might be sounds silly, but im still questioning this to myself..