Dear Anita,

“Anxiety is fear connections in the brain. What happens is that that fear is not one connection that can be disconnected and problem solved. Fear is connected in many places in the brain, and different individuals, different connections.” This makes sense. So technically we can’t unplug them all at once, but rather we have to work on one at a time, otherwise I fear I would not be doing an adequate job.

“Right this moment, as I am sitting on this chair, I felt anxiety, became mindful that I am feeling anxious. Maybe it is that I overate a bit, being bloated makes me anxious (Neural Connection: bloated/fear) Also i am sitting by the wood stove and feeling warm (Neural connection: too hot/ fear). I know I need to go to the mat, away from the wood stove, yet I am sitting by the computer and feeling too warm.” I liked your descriptions. Not as a basis for comparison, but rather just to get insight as to how it works for you.

“An hour and forty minutes later and I am back. What I did was decided to do a brisk walk in the cold enough air outside, about three miles, fifty minutes or so, then completed the 5 kg (light) weight lifting I do every other day, followed with crunches (core work) on the mat, some stretches following the two and then a short hot bath. I let the fire die in the wood stove and am wearing lighter clothes so I am not uncomfortably warm.” I like your routine, sounds very calming.

“Take care and find comfort in your loving and lovable dog!” I will. I’ll admit that he calms me down. Whenever I am zoned out and distracted by things, or overwhelmed with the mountains of homework I have, he distracts me.

Dear Anita,

It’s been a while and I am glad to say that I am fine.

This past Thursday I experienced a lot of anxiety in the morning. Anxiety that someone would take my seat in class, and just anxiety for things reasons I know not. It faded as the class went on, but when I got home the anxiety came back. I don’t understand why if I wouldn’t be having class again until Tuesday. Dread I suppose.

However, Friday, and the weekend was fine. It was good and I was not anxious at all. Monday was good as well. No anxiety about the upcoming day.

Today was a bit overwhelming. I had a hard time not running to class even though I was 20 minutes early. Everyone just has a habit about showing up to class early even though the professor doesn’t arrive until 5 minutes before. I felt comfortable in lecture after I sat down, but to be honest, as soon as the professor opened the door, I leaped up to get into my seat. Lab class was great, which is not something I expected to be saying. I talked to the two girls in my group and we worked well in the experiment. I was the one doing most of the instructions and gathering of things, they seemed not too sure about what to do, I felt comfortable leading the group. However, I know that this is only because it was a small group. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have been able to do it. I felt so comfortable, that I even managed to ask them if they wanted to work together for the upcoming group project, even though group names are not due for another two weeks. They said yes, and I was glad to get it over with. We then talked about our upcoming exam, our quiz, and yoga. It was good.

Unfortunately, while I did good socially today, my general anxiety was high. Especially when it came to driving. I was worried I was driving too slow, that I was withholding traffic by not driving faster, that other drivers were probably irritated by me, even when I was driving the speed limit and when the cars in front of me were pretty far away. Turning on streets was especially when I thought that. I felt the sense to hurry up. It was very overwhelming. When I parked I asked myself, am I too close to the street or too far apart. My general thoughts were, “can I go now? are there any cars coming? there are no cars coming, I better hurry, oh no, I am going a bit too fast, I better slow down” etc. It was like this the whole time. Unfortunately, I do not think practicing mindfulness would help me in this case, I’d get caught up in thoughts with myself, and I would get distracted.

My anxiety today also revolved around crossing the street, not arriving on time, being too late, coming across stray dogs, etc.
So my question is, what can I do in this case? How can I make it manageable? I really do not know what is worse, having general anxiety or social anxiety.

Thank you for that part about comparison. You are right, “Comparisons can be counter productive. People see too much into symptoms, thinking things like: oh, I don’t have THAT symptom, that means that person is too different from me. Thing is the symptoms of anxiety are different but anxiety is always… too much fear at too young of an age to deal with it healthily.” This really is what it is.

I am glad you are doing better, “Well, I am still healing, every single day, practicing mindfulness and more mindfulness, paying attention and I am seeing more and more each day. The more I notice, the more I see what I didn’t see before, the more there is to see the day after. I do not anticipate “the day AFTER” that is, me being healed and living “happily ever after” in a state of eternal comfort.” This brings up a big question for me, and it has to do with what Cheaw Hon said. She said she overcame her anxiety and issues. However, while not trying to compare her to me, I couldn’t help but ask myself, is there a way to overcome our disorders? Or is it something that will be with us all our lives? The rational part of me says that it is not possible and that since it has gone on for far too long that regardless of how much I can manage it, that there will always be remnants of it.

Thank you for asking me how I was doing. I got too busy with school work that I forgot to respond.

Dear Anita,

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so observant or aware. It haunts me at times.

You’re very right, it does then make sense that children would pick up on their parents actions and tensions. It is then no wonder that children start acting out, they are just emulating what they know.

Yes, indeed lucky dog. However, I love him so much that I hate him having to feel and sense my anxiety if even for a little. His life is short and I want him to enjoy it, not spend it feeling my anxiety.

Well, that sounds good. In reference to in the future not having to worry so much about planning in the future when I can better manage it.

Ah, so even the rushing dictates that part of my life, what I thought was my escape from it. Right now, in light of my pulled muscle I will do some yoga and see how that goes.

“Oh, and talk to your dog, tell him calming things: this way he hears your calming tone and you get to hear it too!” Oh yes, I most definitely will, I confide in him, tell him what I don’t say to others. I think he most of all, deserves to be calm.

If you don’t mind me asking, you said you’ve struggled with anxiety most of your life. Before you started, what was your anxiety like, and how is it now? You know, just as a comparison, to see what it is like, to see what it could be like for me one day.

Dear Anita,

“excess, ongoing fear from long ago… and now, you have to be, over time, that strong, capable person that you always needed and did not have.” Yes, I do. I guess I’ve known that for a while now. I’ve always felt like I couldn’t rely on others but myself, and when it comes to my social anxiety I really am the only one that can help myself in the sense that the way I react to my anxiety is what either helps me improve or keeps me stuck.

“Focus on overall progress, not perfection.” This is something I will have to keep in mind.

Today was my first day of class this semester and I am pleasantly surprised to say that I didn’t feel much anxiety at all. It was nothing compared to the previous years.

I made sure that last night I was calm, not anxious. I knew that if I let my anxiety take hold of me, that it would make it much more difficult in the morning. I guess a lot of my anxiety has to do with my expectations of what could happen, anticipation. So I ran two miles, I usually jog or walk, but I felt I had tension building up somewhat so I ran. It felt good, and even when my body was tired of running, my mind was not, so I kept running. Unfortunately, by not listening to my body I strained a muscle on my leg. After that I decided to check my schedule, the class roster (to get a feel of who the people could be, as if their names could give away anything), I looked at the bus schedule, and I spent more than 30 minutes trying to find out where exactly in the building my classes would be. Struggling to find my classes really built up my anxiety. Once I found out where my classes would be, I planned out how I would walk to my class the next day. I decided I was already feeling much too anxious too my liking, so I sat down and watched a tv series that I really enjoy, and I had some passion flower tea that is supposed to relax your mind and muscles. I don’t know if it really worked because it really does do what it advertises, or because I felt like it worked, so it did. What matters is that it worked for me. I wasn’t able to sleep much because of the pain in my leg, so I was up early and started feeling anxious. The tea worked last night so I thought I’d drink some this morning. I wasn’t worried about forgetting anything because I had made sure to have everything in my backpack ready for the next day, so I was ready to go. On the way to school I focused on being mindful. I focused on the cars, the road, the bridges, etc. Once I got to school I even forgot to put in my earbuds (I always have to have earbuds when I am out at school and don’t have anyone to talk to, it makes me feel less overwhelmed). I went to the bookstore, atm, and walked around to find my classes, and then I took a seat in one of the lounging area, with a clear view of the outside. I still had about 50 minutes left before class started so I just checked my email, deleted some old pictures, etc. I then saw someone in the lounge area looking outside, so I thought, “I’m going to focus on what I see.” I wasn’t anxious, and was able to keep myself sitting there, until about 17 minutes before class during which I checked on my leg and freshened up a bit. The hallway was full of people, and while I would usually feel intimidated, this time it didn’t bother me. I waited for the teacher to arrive and I sat in the front row, something I hadn’t attempted previously. I just didn’t want to sit in the back and look like a slacker. I wasn’t nervous or anxious. The professor was friendly enough, and she used me and a couple of other people in my row to make examples of favoritism, phone policies, team work, etc and I was fine with it. I didn’t have to stand up or anything, but even then, that sort of attention makes me heat up like a tomato, not this time. I was however, very conscious of myself, my actions. I was very aware of the people in the same row as me, the position of my arms, my surroundings. The professor talked about the group project and said “if you find yourself not having a group, come see me and I will pair you with a group who I think you will fit in well” and while I hoped I wouldn’t have to resort to that, it made me feel better. I thought to myself that I’d worry about it when the time came. Then for my next class I was running a little late, luckily it was only half of the people from my first class, 24, and so I didn’t feel so intimidated going in. I was one of the last ones, but I still felt comfortable. Luckily, the guy in the group I sat in was cracking jokes and being funny, talking to me a bit, and I felt included, even though I felt that the girls at the other table were not amused. I was glad to not feel nervous or anxious. I felt aware, of myself, of others. Even waiting for the bus, I did not feel as paranoid as I usually do. It was a good day.

So in light of that, I was thinking that a great part of my anxiety comes from anticipation, anticipation of talking to other, anticipation of feeling lost, anticipation of getting mugged, etc. Once I was able to calm down that anticipation, the actual moments were a lot better. The mindfulness certainly helped.

Also, I believe it helped that I got out a lot of my worries before the actual day, that I planned it out and stuck with it, otherwise I know I would have certainly been a mess. Had I not found the school map, or figured out where to find the lounge area, I would have been anxious no doubt. Another thing that helped was knowing that someone else knew about my issue and that I was able to find forums with other people whose problem was worse than mine. It put things in perspective. Also, what I did different than last time was that instead of telling myself to not feel anxious, I told myself that it was all right, that it was going to be okay, that I would do fine and that it would all work out. That positive self talk helped, a lot.

Dear Anita,

“good to read your progress. You describe everything so well! Like I wrote before: you got what it takes!” Thank you. I believe sometimes I am much too detailed with myself about my thoughts, and with others. Some people would say I am too mature or philosophical for my age.

“And since I already went through excellent therapy that helped me so much, I will be glad to share what he taught me with you.” Thank you. This means a lot. Especially considering that it would be hard to get good help. I live in a state that is known for not having good mental health services or help.

“You noticed when you lost focus on the first two, you didn’t (my understanding) beat yourself up for losing focus/ attention (very important) and you returned to sights and sounds.” You are correct. I did not criticize myself or get angry or upset about getting lost in my thoughts. I just thought to myself, “Ahh, I’m getting sidetracked. Let me focus on something I see or hear.” Then I’d try to continue with my observations.

“Of course, not eternal calm: a thing to remember. It is a matter of time and never is there a “happily ever after/ always calm kind of existence. Good job!” Thank you, this helps. I was worried I wasn’t really doing what I needed to.

“As to the first part of your post, i would like to write about it when I am back to the computer.” Great, do so. I really value you asking for insight. I consider you to be a very observant and great person and I know that you can probably understand things about myself that I cannot analyze properly because I might see it differently.

Well… I have about 4 memories about my biological father aside from the day he left us. They are basically the only things I remember about him. I remember us moving in with my grandma when we first moved into the state after traveling more than 500 miles. I cannot recall anything about that initial time other than this particular day they had gone out and when they came back they had bought us a snow globe from the disney store. I don’t remember him much in my memory, just that he was around. Another faint memory is of him sitting on our blue recliner watching tv, and another is of him hosting a party for his friends, like he did, all the time, I recall. One particular day he had some of his friends over. My mother was serving them coffee and my younger sister was being careless and running all over. It so happens that she bumped into my mother and my mother accidentally spilled the coffee on her. It fell onto her stomach and burned her. One of my father’s friends was a very nice man (about 4 years later, he would become my step dad) and he left our apartment, went to buy some ointments, returned, gave them to my mother and told her what to do with them to help my sister. I don’t recall my father doing anything, as though he wasn’t even there. There are two other things I remember about my father. He once struck me with a belt. I don’t recall what I did, but I remember being very angry afterwards, thinking “how dare he hit me”. Another time, I remember being mad at him for not letting me paint my nails. Once again I was angry. I considered him oppressive, and even at that age (7 or younger), I remember thinking of him as controlling. All of my memories of him involve me feeling alone, like there was no connections. I feel this darkness in all of my memories of him. So no, he did not bully me, he just wasn’t involved.

I was actually bullied in the 6th and 8th grade by different girls. In 6th grade I was a tomboy. I wore loose clothing and didn’t care much about my appearance. 6th grade was at a different school than the elementary school I had gone to. It was a much bigger school with a lot more diversity. I only had one friend from elementary that I really spoke to and naturally we met other girls in 6th grade. I am hispanic but I had never been around other hispanics much. It was strange to me and I quickly realized how much I didn’t fit in. It was also very clear to the other girls my friend talked to. They teased me, called me a lesbian, spread rumors about me, excluded me, talked about me, asked rude questions, they asked why I dressed like that, why I didn’t have a boyfriend etc. It wasn’t long before the other girls got wind of the rumors and started talking about me as well. They all bought lunches, and I brought mine, which was enough to make them bully me even more. I liked the color blue, they liked red. Another reason for them to not like me. It was too much for me to handle at that age. I hated going to school. I constantly felt judged and talked about. I would cry in the restroom and in my room at home when I was alone. I once convinced my mother to let me miss a week of school, feigning sickness just so I would be away from it all. I had enough of it and started molding myself so I could fit in. Things got better after that but I became self conscious. I got a boyfriend just to prove myself to them and started wearing red, and jewelry and lip gloss, etc. I was glad when the girls who had teased me weren’t going to the same school for 7th grade.

I don’t recall much about 7th grade. It was all right I suppose. In 8th grade however, I had another encounter with bullies. This particular girl thought it was funny to laugh at me in gym class because I didn’t know how to throw a basketball. I got angry and decided I wasn’t going to let her talk about me that way. I went up to her and we got in a physical fight. I was hoping that would be the end of it, I had already had enough of bullies, but it was just the beginning. She was a year younger than me and would always try to intimidate me and one of my other friends. She would bump into us in the hallway and physically push us and say mean things. It would happen almost everyday. I was terrified. So terrified that me and my other friend would always email each other so we could arrive together at school. I was so scared when this bully’s older sister confronted me. I was so scared that I pushed all of the blame on my friend (I feel so bad for doing this to my friend but I was very scared after learning that this bully was into boxing). The older sister asked me why I had gotten in a fight with her sister and I said to her, “I did it because she said mean things about me and my friend, I was just trying to defend myself, it was my friend who started it all with your sister” (Which was true but I felt bad for turning my back on my friend). My bully’s sister was nice and said she’d get her sister and friends too lay off of me, and it worked. They then only bothered my friend. I was glad, but I still felt scared. Near the end of the year the returned to calling me names. I was glad when we ended up not going to the same high school. I was terrified of these girls, there were about 5 of them, and they had all taken turns bullying me, pushing me, calling me names. I remember being not just scared, but terrified. SO MUCH so that when I saw this girl, at my college during my first semester for a small one hour class, I hid behind my computer and basically sped out of the classroom once it was over. When I saw her in the hall I hid my face and tried to be as fast as possible. I felt nothing but anxiety and fear. In middle school I recall not feeling like I confide in any of the teachers to help.

Dear Anita,

” Be gentle with her, don’t give her any negative criticism as telling her: “You shouldn’t be that anxious… what is wrong with you? and “You should be able to better manage your anxiety…” And such self talk. Talk to her (to yourself) gently, encouragingly. Fear is a very powerful force and she (the child in you…you) need all the support.. the gentle guidance along the way. This is of most importance: can’t heal without being gentle and patient… kind… that is being loving toward yourself.” This sounds right. I read something about 2 days ago about validating my feelings and the anxiety I feel. That they are my feelings and should be acknowledged and taken seriously. That by not validating them I am not helping myself. I do have to work on being loving and supporting of myself when it comes to my anxiety. It’s just that sometimes I get so frustrated with my fears that the rational part of me speaks out saying it’s silly or something like that.

“being mindful means, getting outside your thinking, thinking, thinking part of the brain and paying attention to what is around here, the Here and Now, directing your attention to what you see, hear, smell, etc… slow exercise and stretching makes it possible for you to pay attention to how the body feels.” This clears it all up for me. I didn’t really know what to expect to feel through mindfulness. I must admit I expected it to be some sort of spiritual awakening of some sort and I just didn’t think I was getting anywhere. But this really puts it in perspective for me.

“Take it slow, easy and gentle, Aislynn: no rushing this process.” I will certainly take my time with this process. I want it to work out and I want to do it well. Every day that I practice being mindful it will get easier. It might hard at first but I’m willing to do the work that is needed.

Dear Anita,

How thoughtful you are. I’m glad to be doing well in other aspects of my life. Thank you for your guidance, it certainly has helped me stay away from my ex.

Wow, OCD. If I may confide in you, I believe that I may have it. I have many things that I do in repetitions, and disturbing thoughts that drive me to keep doing them. I haven’t seen a doctor about it because I am scared. Worried about what it means. I fear that it will just escalate even more or that they won’t understand. Aside from my social anxiety, I also have general anxiety. I’ve had it for such a long time that you’d think that by now I’d be able to manage it.

“When anxious the brain is rushing. So even though you plan (as in your quote) to walk slowly to class, while you take that slow first step with your legs, your brain already is 100 steps ahead in a rushing mode and all hell broke loose already, on your first step with your legs.” This makes perfect sense to me. It really hit the nail on the head. I try to quiet my body, to take my time, but my brain is going 90 miles an hour, and the worst thing about that is that I can’t quiet it.

I had thought about getting prescription medicine to help me out a little. But I’ve heard of how addictive they become so quickly, it’s not something I want to mess with.

I’ve tried yoga before. However, I am not particularly flexible, and I become frustrated with the poses. I also have not been able to experience that mindfulness with yoga, regardless of how many times I try. I don’t understand what it is I am doing wrong. My mind refuses to quiet down.

I’m going to try to give yoga another chance. I really need to work on my anxiety because it’s so overwhelming. I want to be able to slow down my brain. That would be such a big achievement for me.

I think you are very right with everything you’ve said. However, my question is what other things can help me achieve the mindfulness I seek?

I’m not proud to say that for the past two hours I’ve been busy looking at my class rubrics, getting my belongings together and organizing my backpack. I tried my best to remember everything I would need for class, and since my mind is so busy trying to make sure I don’t stumble into the wrong room, that I have my schedule, ID, etc… Well I almost forgot to pack writing utensils, so as you can assume. I am very worried that I’ll forget one thing or another. I just want to cry, I wish I didn’t have to deal with all this worrying, it really distracts me and stops me from enjoying and living in the moment, but then I wouldn’t be myself, would I?