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Aislynn

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  • in reply to: Social Anxiety #94682
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Last week, I was doing so well. Right now, it is the complete opposite. I now understand what you meant when you said it was not a linear process and that it would not get better and then even better but that rather there would be some regression at times. I completely understand it now.

    Unfortunately, yesterday during the day, my anxiety was very high. Deep breathing helped, but I felt my anxiety escalating, creeping up on me, building and building. I could not calm it. I tried being mindful, but my anxiety was too much. Before leaving the house to pick up my brother, I ran through the house twice to make sure everything was off and that the back door was locked. After heading out to my car, I couldn’t help but think that I had left the lamp on in my room, which I knew I hadn’t but I couldn’t resist the urge to check anyway, so I unlocked the door as fast as I could, fumbling around, only to realize that yeah, the lamp had been turned off. Driving was fine. I was calmer than ever.

    However, when I got home, and as the evening progressed, my anxiety started coming back. I have an exam in biology today, so maybe that’s the cause. I suppose I’m anxious about not doing well, about failing. I noticed that as soon as I started studying for the exam, my anxiety would get stronger. I don’t understand why, I know the material. I suppose I’ve just been feeling burnt out. I don’t like that, it’s only 3 weeks into the semester and all ready I feel like I am pushing myself too hard. So I drank some tea but it didn’t help this time. I even noticed how anxious my dog had become throughout the day as well. He sensed my distress.

    It was hard to fall asleep. I wasn’t thinking about anything really, I just couldn’t sleep, it has become a habit for me to lay in bed for about 2 hours before I can get any sleep. I finally fell asleep, only to wake up at 2 am. I tried practicing being mindful, but it only made me feel worse. I was panicking, it felt like I was drowning in my anxiety. My whole body felt it. I couldn’t breath, I felt the goosebumps on my skin, I was nauseous. I tried thinking about the sky and the earth, it didn’t help. I couldn’t stay in bed, it felt like the onset of a panic attack. The heat was unbearable. It’s been about 3 years since the last time I had a panic attack and I didn’t want to have another one.

    I got up, walked around for a few minutes, had trouble breathing, feeling cold and nauseous, but I managed not to have a panic attack. So at least there’s that. I went back to bed, not a good idea, feeling ill again. Got up, laid down in the living room on the new sofa, I just started at the clock for about 6 minutes, watching the blue numbers slowly change. I felt the leather underneath me rustle as I tried to get comfortable on the couch. I felt better, so I went to bed again. I felt vulnerable out in the darkness of the living room which is what prompted me to go back to bed. There it was, that fear. Fear of what is in the dark.

    It didn’t help that for dinner I had eaten pork yesterday. Unfortunately, it seems that I have developed an allergy to pork, and I was feeling the ill effects of that as well as my anxiety simultaneously. Not a good thing. I can’t stand feeling ill, so this is it for me, no more pork. That gives me some piece of mind.

    Now I really must get some sleep, it’s 20 past 3 and I’ve got to be up in less than 4 hours. Hopefully I can sleep, and hopefully I’ll have a better day.

    in reply to: It's been 4 years, and I still love him. #94608
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    “The not-valid, incorrect message is: I am a bad, twisted person. And so, if you practice deciphering correct, true, real messages behind your emotions and dismissing the incorrect, false, unreal messages, you will increase your “emotional intelligence” a lot!” You are right Anita, I did not respond to the issue as I should have.

    The reason I believed myself to be a bad person was because I was taught that feeling bitterness/need for revenge was a character flaw. I wish I didn’t think that way because we all experience all different sorts of emotions but that was what my grandmother instilled in me. She taught me that those sorts of emotions were bad, that they made a person a sinner I suppose.

    in reply to: It's been 4 years, and I still love him. #94589
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    “As I read your post about the grocery store experience I was thinking what a good writer you are. You have the ability to describe a situation in such detail that I can see it, step by step. I think you have a real skill and talent, so much so that the idea of you writing for a living seems possible to me and it is exciting!” Thank you for your kind words. It is exciting, now that I am not perpetually worried about it.

    “This is an All-or-Nothing thinking, isn’t it?” Oh my, you’re right!! I went to extremes in my thinking. Gosh, I feel a bit silly now.

    “It is natural. It does not indicate you are a bad person, only that you were hurt.” I’m glad. For a while I was really caught up in thinking that I was a bad twisted person for feeling that way. That there was something wrong with me for thinking that way.

    “Only what he thinks doesn’t really matter (hard to believe, isn’t it?)” It is hard to believe, or at least it was, a while ago. However, I came to realize that what he says or thinks about me doesn’t matter because it has no real power. It doesn’t change anything. I am where I am today, because of the effort I’ve put in, because of the choices I’ve made. Him thinking highly of me changes nothing. It is simply an opinion. Despite my rational thinking though, I still feel like I have something to prove to him. I guess deep down his opinion of me still matters a bit.

    in reply to: Changing my major? #94560
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    “When you choose your major, or choose to change a major only because of fear (of not being employed) you operate by fear which moves you away from being free.” This makes a lot of sense. By changing it, I am not allowing myself to be who I am or want to be. Rather, I am molding myself to be who I believe is best based on income opportunities and job prospects, and therefore I am caging myself up.

    Indeed, my anxiety level and my motivations played a big part in choosing my major.

    in reply to: It's been 4 years, and I still love him. #94558
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    “his manipulation worked. All this time later, his words are still fresh in your brain and you believe him… at least some. And you want to contact him just to prove him wrong… ” Yes, exactly. Well, I don’t want to reach out to him, I want him to notice that I am fine without him. I want to prove to him that I am doing great without him. I just can’t get myself out of that mindset. I wish I didn’t feel like I had to prove anything to him.

    A few months ago I was at a local grocery store. I never shop there because I don’t like the environment and the workers, but I really needed some oranges for my juice so I stopped by. I went in, got the oranges and quickly headed to the register to pay. There were a few people in front of me and I was waiting patiently. Then, someone comes up behind me and out of the corner of my eye, I see that it is my ex boyfriend’s friend. I freak out!! My heart is beating really fast and I can’t stop myself from thinking, ” I must look terrible” (I was wearing workout clothes and was somewhat sweaty after my jog) and I was also thinking that I must look weird just buying a big sack of oranges. In that moment, I just wanted to look presentable. I couldn’t help but think that this friend of his would tell him he had seen me at the store. I was so caught up in how I looked.

    I’ve been trying to tear myself away from wanting to make an impression on my ex. However, it is this feeling that does not want to dissipate. However, I know that I don’t just want him to see that I am doing good. I want him to see and realize that I am doing better than him. I suppose this all stems from him bragging about how well he was doing without me when we broke up.

    His life is a mess, and I am very ashamed to admit… but I was glad to read that so far he’s not having a good year, but I don’t want to feel that way. Him having a bad year is no cause for celebration. I shouldn’t be happy about that. I know it makes me look bitter and resentful and I want no part in that. I don’t like the idea of feeling good simply because he is having a bad time. Again, this all stems from all those last conversations between me and him.

    “Once it is in your mind while you are dating: say it, don’t keep it in, that will distress you, I think.” Yeah, that sounds right. I do think it would distress me, very much so.

    “An introverted man, not a popular and very social guy and one who does not want to have children, at this point, would be a good match for you.” How am I supposed to find an introverted man though? I mean, how am I even going to get to talking to him? If I am an introvert, and not good at talking to others, because of my social anxiety, and he is an introvert, well, how are we supposed to start talking? Also, wouldn’t it be counterproductive to be with someone who is also an introvert like me? I say this because really, if I were to be in a relationship with a man like this, well I don’t think there would be much of a chance for social interactions/gatherings and we’d basically not have many friends or go out much.

    “And I would like to think of Aislynn as free…” I would like to as well. I want to be free to travel the world, discover new things for myself, help others, move around, and not feel tied down. Being free is what I aim for.

    in reply to: Changing my major? #94301
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Violet- I will definitely try and take a business course or two in the future. That would definitely look good to a prospective employer and would help me establish myself independently if need be.

    Anita- “Joining groups of volunteers who go on missions to other countries and far away places to help people, you can join those groups as a writer, writing about the experiences there.” This sounds amazing!! Why didn’t I think of that? Aside from writing about the experience there, I could also help out, sounds perfect! I’m excited.

    TriangleSun- “I also like Anita’s point on volunteering missions. There are A LOT of organizations doing this. Heck, even national geographic does this. Travel writing is very interesting and I think this is a great area to explore. Especially when it revolves around some kind of humanitarian cause. Couple that with some photography and you’ve got yourself a photo journalist. Another very interesting niche.” Travel writing sounds amazing. I believe that would be a great fit for me. I would love to do photography. I love taking photos of people and places. I just didn’t think about how well it could go with writing. Thank you for that. I will definitely consider investing in a good camera and I might even take some photography classes.

    Dina- It helps to know that there are job opportunities for English majors. I know English comes in handy in many places. However, I expected them to want other qualifications. I am passionate about, so I will stick with it.

    Thank you everyone for your ideas. They greatly helped me. I won’t be changing my major. I love English, and I like the idea of doing travel writing. However, I know that even if that doesn’t pan out, that business courses might help me get employed elsewhere where my English skills will still be very useful.

    I guess I was afraid of not being employed if I majored in English. It’s something I constantly hear others say about English majors.

    in reply to: It's been 4 years, and I still love him. #94300
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    You bring up a very interesting point for me, a human love story. I suppose I do deep down, long to have a relationship with a man. To share my emotions, thoughts, accomplishments, troubles. I also long to be that for a man, to provide him with as much support and love as he gives me.

    I feel that I am now in a better place, in which I could give myself the chance to be in a relationship, knowing that I have the habit of choosing men with issues. I realize that now, and strongly try stay away from them. However, I do not see myself being with someone.

    I am not trying to rush things. I know that things will happen when they are supposed to, and I am not looking for a relationship right now. I want to devote myself to my studies, my dog, my mindfulness and working on better managing my anxiety. So in other terms, I want to work on me.

    However, would I be open to a relationship in the future? In a few years, absolutely. However, I don’t see myself being with anyone. I suppose this comes from being single for over 4 years now, as well as I do not believe I will find a man who will have the same views or values as me, if that makes sense. I don’t know if any man is going to accept that I have anxiety, I guess that deep down I fear that they will not understand why I do not feel comfortable doing certain things.

    Also, I know for a fact that I do not want children, ever. I know that will certainly drive away some men, and I am fine with that. However, when would it be a good idea to bring that up when seeing someone? Also, isn’t the point of dating and being in relationship to see if you could spend the rest of your life with them? I don’t see myself spending the rest of my life with anyone if I’m honest. I’m a solitary introvert and I value my alone time above anything else.

    I’ve had boyfriends who were popular and great guys and while I cared for them, I just couldn’t deal with their popularity. For example, one was captain of the wrestling team. The other one was homecoming king, class president, and played sports. They were both very popular guys and I couldn’t deal with it. I couldn’t stand that at any point and time, someone would try and talk to them, hug them, shake hands, etc. It was a huge issue for me. That was what drove me away from them.

    Ahh, yes, the post about my major. I completely forgot to respond.

    “Pace yourself, calm… every day, every moment. It will get easier with practice.” Yes, I certainly need to work on that. I tend to want to rush things. Fear of the unknown.

    “If there is something I missed in your post above, something I did not attend to (I have a feeling there is something I totally missed)- let me know.” You did great in addressing my issues. I suppose the only thing that I’m still wondering about is why I feel the urge to have my ex boyfriend see me or get in contact with me, even if I don’t plan to respond to him. I’ll take a shot at answering it myself, and tell me if this makes sense.

    When we broke up, he was spiteful, told me I’d never find anyone else. That I wouldn’t do good without him. I suppose he thought I’d fall apart without him. So in a sense, perhaps I want him to see me, write to me, or keep up with me through my Facebook to see how well I am doing without him. But in that case… Why does his perception and validation of me matter so much to me?

    in reply to: It's been 4 years, and I still love him. #94248
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It seems I am stuck with this feeling I cannot move past.

    While I do not want to talk to my ex boyfriend, and have no intent on communicating with him, I strangely find myself wanting him to reach out to me, to send me a message.

    This has been going on for about 2 weeks. I’ll wake up, see that I have notifications from Facebook and I find myself hoping that I have a message from him, which I don’t. It gets my heart going in the morning thinking about that possibility. Also, funny enough, when I wake up to turn on my alarm I find myself thinking it is him calling me. He doesn’t have my number, but on my screen it says “alarm” and when I wake up in the morning, my head blurs the letters a bit and it seems like it says “ala*”

    I cannot find it within myself to delete him off of Facebook, and I want him badly to reach out to me. However, I know that even if he did reach out to me, that I would not respond.

    There was a coincidence about a week ago, that I was at a stop sign and while I was checking to see if any cars were coming, I saw a small green car coming. I waited and I couldn’t help but notice that it was him driving. He slowed down right in front of me because of the terrible railroad tracks on that street and I found myself wanting to step on the gas and speed off. Seeing him just made my heart race and I didn’t like that seeing him made me want to do that.

    I’m confused about it and do not know how to move forward from this.

    in reply to: Motivation when working from home? #94100
    Aislynn
    Participant

    I used to do some freelance work back when I took off a year from school. However, these days I am back in school. I have a lot of experience with online classes, which in my opinion require the same motivation because things are self-paced and self-taught. I’ve been doing online classes for a year and a half. So, I’ll try to give you some tips based on my experience.

    First and foremost, I cannot have the TV on. I get distracted all the time if the TV is on, even if I put on a movie or show I don’t have any interest in, because what usually happens is that I see a small part and then I get interested. However, I need background sound, otherwise I get restless. So if I really must, I put on something that I REALLY REALLY do not like. I could spend all day watching the history channel. However, cooking shows, not my thing, so that works.

    Otherwise, I usually have my Bluetooth speaker on. I usually just set my music on shuffle and put it away from me, otherwise I could spend all day picking and choosing which song to listen to next. The key to not get distracted with the music is to put it at a low volume, where it is not too loud and sounds soft. Otherwise, you won’t be able to do much focusing or thinking.

    Gather everything you believe you’ll need for your work. Sounds like a basic thing, but it really is important. So, that means, pens, paper, calculator, dictionary, etc. Whatever you know you’ll need. Because what usually happens is, if you are not prepared you’ll be getting up and you’ll get distracted by other things you might want to do.

    I am usually home alone when I do my freelance work, or my school work. Otherwise I find myself getting distracted with the noises around. If you don’t have the house to yourself then close the door to your working area and tell them not to interrupt.

    I find that I get restless after a certain amount of time. So, about every hour or so, I take a break. Go to your backyard and enjoy the fresh air, eat, stretch, etc. However, give yourself a predetermined amount of time and don’t allow yourself to go over because after that it is easy to say, “Oh just 5 more minutes.” This will lead you to keep delaying your work. So set a timer if you need to.

    Do I successfully manage to avoid procrastination? About 85 percent of the time, yes. The other 15 percent, not so much. It all varies from person to person. On the days that I set a schedule for myself, things are usually smooth sailing and I go through my day with little procrastination. On days I do not plan, well, let’s just say work doesn’t really get done. So if a schedule is what you need then plan it out as if you were going to work at an office.

    So for example:
    Wake up at ___________.
    Eat breakfast, clean, work out, water plants, feed dog, etc from ___________ to ____________.
    Work from ______________ to ___________.
    Small break for ___________ minutes.
    Work from ___________ to ______________.
    Lunch break from __________ to __________.
    Etc. The point is, it greatly helps to organize your day, otherwise you might slack off and keep delaying things. It happens to the best of us.

    If you are only beginning to do freelance work then you might find it a bit hard to manage your time, or who knows, you might be very self-motivated and you might do great. It all varies.

    If you struggle at first, don’t worry about it, over time you’ll find what works best for you. However, if you are just beginning, then definitely take advantage of scheduling. Don’t overwork yourself by trying to cram it all in. If you don’t get to finish a task them pause it and schedule it for later. If it is not something that can be put off then that’s fine just reschedule other things that can wait.

    Hope this helps.

    in reply to: Anyone have suggestions of good Work music? #94091
    Aislynn
    Participant

    I decided to look through my iPod in case you wanted more suggestions:

    American authors, they are alternative rock and have some catchy songs such as, hit it, believer, best day of my life, etc.

    Albert Hammond Jr. He is part of the band The Strokes, however he also does solo music. Most of his music sounds a lot like The Strokes, so if you end up liking The Strokes, then I think you’ll like his solo music as well.

    The Black Keys, they are a blues rock duo. Some of their songs are slow but they have some really fun energetic ones such as, Gold on the ceiling, hell of a season, mind eraser, fever, etc.

    Capital Cities, this is indie-pop. Perhaps you’ve heard their song, Safe and sound. If you liked it, you make like the rest of their music. It’s fun, upbeat, and happy.

    Daft Punk. Electronic music. While not all of their songs have vocals, there are some pretty upbeat ones from their last album, Random Access Memories. Good songs off this album are, doin’ it right, get lucky, and lose yourself to dance. Those are the upbeat ones. However, some other good ones are, Instant crush (vocals by the lead singer of The Strokes, Julian Casablancas) and Giorgio by Moroder (it’s calm but has a nice rhythm).

    Foo Fighters, if you like The Strokes and Arctic Monkeys you might like them.

    The Fratellis, a Scottish rock band. Popular among fans of Modest Mouse, Arcade Fire, Franz Ferdinand, etc. It’s a cool band with upbeat music. They have a very distinct sound.

    Imagine Dragons. I don’t really like their new stuff. Their old music, up until Night Visions is amazing. It’s really upbeat and happy. Try, On top of the World, It’s time, Tiptoe, Amsterdam, Working man.

    Owl City, really happy music for the most part. Electronic. I find the lyrics to be very interesting and dream like. Some great songs would be Alligator Sky, Strawberry Avalanche, Deer in the Headlights, Galaxies, Plant life, Rainbow veins, fireflies. I could go on and on about good songs by him. I haven’t listened to Owl City in a long time, but just writing about it, this is what I’ll be listening to tomorrow. Nothing puts me in a happier calmer mood than his music.

    Panama Wedding. Very small synthpop group. Great music. I’ve listened to four of their songs and they are great. Try, all of the people, uma, trust, and feels like summer.

    While I still have these artists on my iPod, I haven’t listened to any of them in quite a while. These days I’ve been leaning more towards my hard rock music, but after writing this list to you, I just can’t wait to start listening to them again.

    Let me know if this helps.

    in reply to: Issue with neighbor… #94060
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Oh, you’re definitely not alone, there are too many inconsiderate neighbors out there!

    Oh, so he’s one of those guys. Not trying to judge him or categorize him, but there seem to be more of them each day. I don’t understand the need to make the car louder, it doesn’t affect performance.

    Ahh, that’s terrible, about your mother waking up in a panic. You’re right it can happen anywhere. That’s something you’ll always have to wonder about anytime someone else moves in to your apartment complex or when you move. So yeah, don’t move, because while this guy may be a jerk, you could end up with a worse neighbor.

    For example, my neighbors in the duplex I live, well they love to park in MY part of the driveway. They stop and chat, blocking my way in and out. They let their children play on my side as well, all over my plants and they would always leave their trash and toys EVERYWHERE. They managed to ruin a few plants. Their children also have the habit of kicking the walls in their rooms. My neighbor also thought it was a good idea to “pimp out” his truck in the driveway we share. Yeah, we each have a side, but usually his materials would end up on the ground, sometimes even take up some of my space. He worked on that truck for about a YEAR!!! And for what, he ended up selling it! Uhhh!! Talk about annoying, and I thought my previous neighbors were bad! The only thing they did was throw gum and trash everywhere, slam doors, and yell. Not even a fraction as bad as my current neighbors. Thankfully I took pictures and spoke with my landlord, and while their children no longer play on my side of the yard, or park in my spot, they still block my path sometimes, so it’s manageable but still angers me from time to time.

    “I don’t understand how some people just have complete disregard for others.” I don’t either. They tend to think they own the place just because they pay to live there. Newsflash, we all pay, we all have the same rights.

    Definitely do meditation, it will help you feel much better. Meditation, while I don’t do it too often, when I do, I feel so relaxed afterwards. Making me feel very happy throughout the whole day. Try it.

    in reply to: Anyone have suggestions of good Work music? #94056
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Well, since your interests in music are wide, I would recommend:

    Billy Joel, while he does have some slower songs he has some really upbeat ones like, tell her about it, it’s still rock n’ roll to me, it’s a matter of trust, you may be right, etc.

    The Strokes, Arctic Monkeys, and Kings of Leon. These bands are similar to Arcade Fire and they are amazing, at least in my opinion.

    Martin Garrix and Zedd, they fall in the same spectrum as David Guetta and Avicci I believe.

    John Newman, this is soul and pop. Try, “come and get it,” it is one of the more upbeat ones.

    Can’t really think of any others at the moment, hope this helps.

    in reply to: Issue with neighbor… #93985
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Laura,

    Looking at this from an outside perspective I have to say that one, at first I thought, “well, he can’t get around starting his car and letting run if the weather is cold.” However, then you said you live in warm climate, so then it doesn’t make sense, but then I thought, “perhaps it is an older model and needs to run for a while before it can get going.” I say this because my step dad has an older truck, like a 2000 model, and while in good condition, if you do not let it run for at least 5 minutes it will start shaking. They had lots of work done on that truck but it is a problem that persists. Quite honestly, if it is that, then there’s nothing that you can do. He is not going to simply go out and replace his vehicle. It is simply something that you will have to put up with.

    At least your neighbor does it only at a certain time. My neighbor on the other hand, will blast the music in his car at max volume at least once a day. It is terrible because he must have some of those added speakers with bass because you can literally feel the music reverberate off of the walls. I’ll be in the living room, or the kitchen and I can clearly hear the sound of his music. It even makes the door and some decorations on the walls shake. Which means it is definitely loud. I live in a duplex, and there is a neighbor in between us. I can’t imagine how my other neighbors deal with it. It is intolerable. Sometimes you just need peace and quiet, but no. He has no consideration. It causes me headaches sometimes. He’ll do it at noon, at 3 pm, at 5pm, at 8 pm. Clearly, he doesn’t care. You should see the way he and his wife treat each other. They don’t care who sees or hears them, they argue and cuss each other out. Imagine what he’d say to me, if that’s how he treats his wife.

    I had considered reporting him and getting police involved. However, it would require me to testify against him in court. I don’t want to make things worse, so I put up with it. I always tell myself that things could get worse. I tell myself, just one or two more years of this and I’m gone, or hopefully he’ll move out. Otherwise I just try and spend time in the rest of the house, or I put on my music (not anywhere near as loud as his). Think happy thoughts and think that the problem is only temporary.

    Try to adjust your sleeping schedule around the time he starts his car. Sleep earlier, wake up earlier. Spend that time doing some relaxing things. I know it is not fair for you to have to adjust your life to avoid the issue, but I am afraid there is nothing else you can do, other than move out, or get everyone around your apartment involved. If they are willing to also call the police or testify then perhaps you can make the issue go away. Otherwise, hang in there, and remember, it could always be worse.

    in reply to: Please Help Me #93978
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Marisol,

    Glad to hear from you again.

    “Although it is something that I want , I have to question whether this is something that he wants” Okay, so you got him to promise loyalty to you, but you’re wondering whether it was something that he wants, which to me says that you did not talk it over enough to ask him if it was what he wanted. Had you, then you would know if it is what he wants. Basically then, it seems this promise was rather vague and one sided.

    “I am not sure about what I want mostly because my gut is telling me that something is off. Yesterday I ended up catching him in a lie involving a girl and the discovery is making me feel like I am back at square one emotionally.” I say, trust your extincts. More often than not, I am about to do something but have the sinking suspicion that it is not what I should be doing, and it usually ends up right. Those feelings are there for a reason. Trust them. As for you catching him in a lie, while I do not know what that lie was, ask yourself, does this compromise his promise of loyalty to you? If so, then he all ready broke his promise, which means that he is all ready off to a bad start. Not a good thing. If he broke his promise so soon all ready, what is to stop him from breaking it again?

    At this point, while he understands that you are upset, because you did not respond to him, he knows you enough that he knows it is only a matter of time before you start talking to him again. This is what he knows, because it is what you continue to do. I am not judging you, I am simply stating what I see. I say this because he will continue to take advantage of this. In fact, he all ready did. Had he understood the concept of losing you last time when you enforced the no contact rule, he wouldn’t have been lying to you this time.

    “I feel that I shouldn’t respond all together, cut him loose, and continue on no contact but my guilt of it seeming like I am ghosting him is preventing me from doing so.” This is how you feel, so ask yourself, what is keeping you there? You admit how bad your relationship to him was, so my question to you is, what prevents you from letting go? And this guilt, about ghosting him. Well, you have a right to simply cease all contact. However, if it makes you feel better, write him a letter. Tell him all the things that made you happy, the good things you shared, but also explain to him how badly he treated you, explain to him how it made you feel. Cuss him out, question him, do whatever you need to. If this is what you need for closure, then do it. However, it is up to you whether you send him this letter or not. Personally, writing the closure letter should be enough, you don’t have to send it. However, if you want to hold him accountable then let him read it.

    I know it hurts. It always does, and that is why you are in this dilemma, because you care. It is never easy letting go. It is one of the hardest things to do, but sometimes, you just have to do it because it is what is best for you. Think of what is best for you, not him. You are only responsible for yourself, not him.

    in reply to: Friends who never make an effort… #93934
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Floralina,

    Don’t feel bad for distancing yourself. That is the best thing you can do, because while you see her as a close friend, she obviously doesn’t see you that way.

    I had a friend like that. However, me and her had been best friends since elementary school. Our friendship continued all throughout high school. However when I got a boyfriend we communicated less and less each time. While we were still friends and talked, texted each other, talked on the phone, hung out, we just weren’t confiding in each other as much. After my boyfriend and I broke up we got to talking more and she finally told me she had been seeing someone. She kept me in the loop, but once again it wasn’t like before. It took a while before she finally told us she got engaged. After that she finally opened up again and started talking about her fiance and their plans. I was invited to her wedding, but I felt left out because everyone there was someone from her church or family. After that, we drifted apart again. She didn’t tell me she was pregnant with twins, and I wasn’t invited to her baby shower. Even when I texted her, our conversations would be brief. I had to find out all those things through Facebook. She distanced herself, I guess she felt very different from me, and I suppose I understand. Here she is, married with twins, and here I am, in college, not married or dating, and no children. I guess what I am trying to say is, we don’t have much in common, and life gets in the way.

    While you made all the effort, she didn’t make any, and that is not fair. Your friendship with her is rather one sided. You need better friends than that. Ones who will confide in you as much as you confide in them.

    If it doesn’t bother her it is because she simply does not value your friendship as much as you value hers. It’s sad, but it’s better for you to step away now, rather than later.

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