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Aislynn

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Viewing 3 posts - 91 through 93 (of 93 total)
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  • in reply to: How do I deal with the pain of rejection from someone I love? #89810
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Dear Kat,
    I very much agree with what Anita has said. He does not have the power to fully decide whether the two of you will or will not communicate. You have the power to ignore him and distance yourself. But then again, of course he has the power to try and talk to you again.

    From what you have said about him, he seems like a great friend. Not everyone sticks around when someone is having problems, and not many people stick around to help. However, no matter what issues he was dealing with, he noticed that the dynamic between the two of you had changed and he didn’t bother to address it. I get it, he was having problems, but all it would have taken was one simple message telling you that he couldn’t do that right now and that you could only be friends. What he did was string you along. Who knows why. Maybe he didn’t want to feel alone. Perhaps his dysfunctional relationship was too much and he wanted some distraction. However, the both of you have spent time together and he has said plenty of things that carry weight. Had he really not been able to process or address the change in dynamic, he could have at least refrained from telling you things that would have given you the impression that he liked you back. Also, while spending time with each other, he could have set things straight with you, but he didn’t and he knew all along what was going on, that wasn’t very nice on his part.

    Also, Anita makes a very good point “The fact that it is dysfunctional only means he, your friend, is dysfunctional enough to carry a dysfunctional relationship.” He is unhappy with her, yet he has stayed with her. I understand she is chronically ill, but that does not mean he should be tied down to her. He is with her because he wants to be, not because he has to be. He could have chosen to walk out at anytime, and yet he does not. So when you said that he said, “he wanted us to spend more time together/take up again when he is healed.” That makes it sound like you are his back up, or his rebound, and that is not a good thing at all. Love yourself enough to not be his back up.

    What this all says about him is that he is dysfunctional to some degree. Otherwise, why would he be with someone who clearly does not make him happy. If she causes him emotional trauma he should get out, but he hasn’t which is really confusing.

    Stay clear of him for a while. Take time to reflect on everything. Write it down, think it over. I would say to not talk to him anymore, especially since it sounds like you are his back up and like he led you on. However, ultimately that choice falls on you. Do you want to talk to him? If so, try and ask him why he couldn’t have at least refrained himself from leading you on, because he did lead you on. Otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten those signals from him. Also ask him why he is still with his girlfriend if clearly she makes him so unhappy. Take into account his answers. I’m sure you’ll find what you’re looking for. Either there is something holding him back, or he clearly was stringing you along.

    in reply to: Breakup from hell… #89809
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Hello Dee,
    Unfortunately, from everything you’ve said, it seems as though you were the only one putting in much effort to your relationship. A relationship shouldn’t be that way. Also, you mentioned that most of those 5 years with him were rocky. I get it, relationships are not perfect, it is not always easy to get along or see eye to eye. I won’t tell you to forget about it because I know how hard that can be. You need time to grieve and process what has happened. I’d feel stupefied if my ex broke up with me over Facebook chat and then told others private information about me. While yes, it could be his mental health acting up, we can’t place all the blame there. Despite however he felt, he didn’t for one second take into consideration that you put a lot of effort into trying to deal with your medical condition. You tried to talk to him about it and you tried to get him to open up to you, but he did not, strike one. He wasn’t putting in enough effort, and you were which shows how much your relationship meant to you, and how little it meant to him. It was really nice of you to do all those things for him, unfortunately he wasn’t able to return the favor. Him posting about your condition and all about it in Facebook, strike two. I’d be so angry at him that I would never want to talk to him. There is no reason why he needed to make that public. Him breaking up with you just shows where his priorities are, sex. He may indeed love you very much, but sex meant more to him, so from my point of view, there is no reason for you to let him back into your life. Abandoning someone because their medical condition makes it hard to have sex seems like a very shallow reason to leave. He seems immature and is not worth your time. All I can say is distance yourself. Love yourself enough to do what is best. Grieve, cry, scream, get angry, do anything that helps you relieve whatever you might be feeling. Today will be hard, and I can’t say that tomorrow will be any better, but take it one step at a time, and you’ll get through this. It’ll hurt for a while, but be strong and hang in there, know that better things are on the way. Focus on grad school and keep yourself as busy as you can. It will help you keep your mind occupied. Stay strong. Today, the sun may not be out for you, but when it does come back, you’ll see everything life has to offer, and that there is so much more beyond your ex.

    in reply to: It's been 4 years, and I still love him. #89804
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Thank you everyone, for all your advice and words of wisdom. It really has helped me make up my mind. I’ve decided that I will not be replying to him.

    Inky, thank you so much for your advice, I hadn’t though to look at my problem in that way of “No, this is too big a deal for him to make drunken confessions. What else do we do when we’re drunk? Total the car, vomit, wake up next to a stranger… And call the ex.” You’re also right that it’s best to not reply because he has record of what he sent to me (Facebook) so obviously if he can’t talk to me while sober, or reach out to me, there’s no point. He’s actually drunk texted me several times over the past 4 years, and for some reason, each of those last times I’ve let him in again only to have him always pin the blame on me. At first I tried to argue back to show him that it wasn’t just me, but him as well, but he would get very angry. Then other times I tried to be nice and just accept all the blame (because clearly arguing with him was getting us nowhere) but even then that didn’t work. He was virtually always angry, regardless of how I acted, and I realized that it is out of my control and that I have to move on. Plus, the life he leads now, is not one that I could accept, and I could not tolerate being around him this way (he’s always out partying, drinking, smoking, getting high, etc). You’re right, he does have anger issues, you bringing it up reminded me about a time he got very angry at one of my friends and confronted me about talking to that person, well, he ended up punching a stop sign and started bleeding (he didn’t act like he was in pain at all) and then he grabbed my wrists and wouldn’t let go when I was trying to walk away while telling him it was over. Fortunately a stranger stepped in and told him to let me go or that he would call the cops (which should have been a sign that I needed to get out of that relationship) and then he got in a verbal fight with that guy and when I walked away he followed me, crying until I caved in and decided to stay with him. There are several other unpleasant memories I have of him, and those have really helped shape my decision to not reply. I’m worried that perhaps later I will regret not replying, but I will write down what you said to me, because your words really got me to reflect on what an unhealthy relationship it was, and what a mistake it would be to let him back in.

    Ghostwriter, he still has contact with me because we are friends on Facebook. He was the one who actually sent me a request on Facebook about two years ago and I accepted his request. What you said right here “I had to realize that if I had been important enough to him, he would have made the effort to have me in his life.” makes a lot of sense and you’re right. If I was important enough to him, he would have made an effort for us to be friends, and he wouldn’t have acted so negatively whenever I tried to work out or problems. It was always me making the effort to see him, and talk to him. And he was always trying to sneak around, to make sure his friends didn’t know, which that in itself proves that to him I’m not worth much. Otherwise he would have stood up for me, and he didn’t. You have encouraged me to seek out my own closure. I think the best way for me to do this would be to write a letter to him (but of course I will not be sending it to him) and in it I will just say everything I’ve held in all these years. Also, thank you for this “Please move on and know that someone wonderful is waiting for you.” It means a lot to me, because ever since being with my ex, I haven’t felt like I could be in any other relationship. My relationship with my ex just really drove me away from giving other guys a chance. Great guys have come into my life, but I didn’t feel like I would be able to function in a relationship anymore, and your words give me hope, that there is someone out there who will treat me better than he ever did, so thank you.

    Anita, you’re right about the whole contact thing. Problem is, over the past 4 years, anytime he has tried to get in contact with me, I’ve always found myself analyzing what he has said to me. And he is still the same person, still angry, hateful, immature, and yet I kept letting him back into my life, all because I loved him and wanted to be with him. However, you’r right about “I hope you learn to separate loving feelings from reality, that is the fact that you have loving feelings for him does NOT mean you are destined to be with him, that he is a good person to be with, that it is healthy for you to be with him. It only says you have the motivation to be with him, a motivation that needs to be examined in relation to your attachment history and the quality of the person that he is.” Thanks to your advice I’ve taken a long hard look at our past, and despite all the love I have for him, he is a very negative and bad person to be around. I do have to separate my feelings from him, and keep remembering that although I love him, it does not mean that I need to be with him or that it would be good for me to start talking to him again.

    Thank you everyone for all of your advice. It really did help me make the decision to not reply to him. As much as I wanted to, I know that I should not. I can’t keep letting him in only for him to chastise me and blame me for everything. I only wish I had received this advice a few years ago, then perhaps I would finally be over him. Over the past 4 years I tried getting advice from friends and acquaintances but nothing helped. However, things happen for a reason, and this is a really good lesson for me. I can’t keep letting toxic people in my life, regardless of my feelings for them. Knowing the kind of person he is, it would not surprise me to hear from him again in a few months, either while he is drunk or high. However, I will keep ignoring him and I will not give into my desire to talk to him. I will not let him have that power over me. He can’t just come into my life and stir up a storm anymore.

Viewing 3 posts - 91 through 93 (of 93 total)