Dear Kat:

First thing that comes to my mind is when he said to you: “This friendship isn’t over”- this is not 100% his choice, only 50%. You have an equal amount of input in this. He can state that he truly wants a friendship (however he defines it) with you, but he cannot state to mean he is the one in power to decide. He can say it, but he has no such power and no such right to decide for you.

Second thing: he is unavailable. No matter how dysfunctional his relationship with his girlfriend, he is involved with her. The fact that it is dysfunctional only means he, your friend, is dysfunctional enough to carry a dysfunctional relationship. Once again, the responsibility concept: he is 50% responsible for having a relationship with his girlfriend and for continuing it the way it is.

If you communicate with him further, why don’t you ask him questions, questions about the quality and nature of his relationship with his girlfriend.. what keeps him there? Ask him also what does he mean by processing whatever he said he was processing. You can learn a lot about him from reading and evaluating his answers. If you focus for a while on WHOSE rejection you are suffering from, on the WHO rejected you that way that he did, you might not mind so much. If you find out he is not desirable to you as a boyfriend, him not being one to you may be … desirable.

anita

Dear Kat,
I very much agree with what Anita has said. He does not have the power to fully decide whether the two of you will or will not communicate. You have the power to ignore him and distance yourself. But then again, of course he has the power to try and talk to you again.

From what you have said about him, he seems like a great friend. Not everyone sticks around when someone is having problems, and not many people stick around to help. However, no matter what issues he was dealing with, he noticed that the dynamic between the two of you had changed and he didn’t bother to address it. I get it, he was having problems, but all it would have taken was one simple message telling you that he couldn’t do that right now and that you could only be friends. What he did was string you along. Who knows why. Maybe he didn’t want to feel alone. Perhaps his dysfunctional relationship was too much and he wanted some distraction. However, the both of you have spent time together and he has said plenty of things that carry weight. Had he really not been able to process or address the change in dynamic, he could have at least refrained from telling you things that would have given you the impression that he liked you back. Also, while spending time with each other, he could have set things straight with you, but he didn’t and he knew all along what was going on, that wasn’t very nice on his part.

Also, Anita makes a very good point “The fact that it is dysfunctional only means he, your friend, is dysfunctional enough to carry a dysfunctional relationship.” He is unhappy with her, yet he has stayed with her. I understand she is chronically ill, but that does not mean he should be tied down to her. He is with her because he wants to be, not because he has to be. He could have chosen to walk out at anytime, and yet he does not. So when you said that he said, “he wanted us to spend more time together/take up again when he is healed.” That makes it sound like you are his back up, or his rebound, and that is not a good thing at all. Love yourself enough to not be his back up.

What this all says about him is that he is dysfunctional to some degree. Otherwise, why would he be with someone who clearly does not make him happy. If she causes him emotional trauma he should get out, but he hasn’t which is really confusing.

Stay clear of him for a while. Take time to reflect on everything. Write it down, think it over. I would say to not talk to him anymore, especially since it sounds like you are his back up and like he led you on. However, ultimately that choice falls on you. Do you want to talk to him? If so, try and ask him why he couldn’t have at least refrained himself from leading you on, because he did lead you on. Otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten those signals from him. Also ask him why he is still with his girlfriend if clearly she makes him so unhappy. Take into account his answers. I’m sure you’ll find what you’re looking for. Either there is something holding him back, or he clearly was stringing you along.