fbpx
Menu

Alicia

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 17 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • in reply to: Suicidal because of university #116465
    Alicia
    Participant

    It’s more about – just a year and I could have a degree! I can finish it and then move on. It’s fear of regret. At the other hand – fear of next semester of architecture and waiting. But it’s just a year.

    in reply to: Suicidal because of university #116453
    Alicia
    Participant

    One year isn’t that much, is it? At least I am going to have a degree. I still can learn and study new things at the age of 23, not everything will be lost probably.
    Thank you so much.

    in reply to: Suicidal because of university #116432
    Alicia
    Participant

    Hello. I couldn’t sleep and eat, I could not even move – I was that scared. So I let go. I stayed.
    I am reading what I have said and I must be crazy or something. I feel like maybe there is another problem and I don’t need to make any decision but go to therapist.
    Higher education in my country is really important and I can make masters degree in something else. I feel in a hurry but why exactly…? Why droping out makes me THAT afraid (or maybe it is normal?). That you have hallucinations, cannot sleep, have pounding heart and everything. All people around me are so irritated by me right know. That is not a surprise for me ;-). Do I have some sort of psychological ilness? Is it THAT important and difficult?
    If nobody answer I am not even angry. That is so weird how irritating I am right know.

    in reply to: Suicidal because of university #116359
    Alicia
    Participant

    All you people, thank you so much!
    I was sittting with that fear and I am all better now. I had a year off last year and decided do come back because I thought that it was all in my head and I am just making things up and just should force myself. It did not work, obviously. I can attend another program in another city, where I have a friend so that transition would not be that painful. And yeah I need tharapist probably. I can see it know that the problem is maybe big but not THAT big to dying over it. I am going to be safe anyway. Thank youuuu

    in reply to: Suicidal because of university #116340
    Alicia
    Participant

    I hate being there but I am so afraid that’s why I said what I said. And after talking with my family. But I know, that is my decision. Whatever I will choose it’s all going to be all fine.

    in reply to: Suicidal because of university #116329
    Alicia
    Participant

    Right now I really feel about going back. I could do anything after 1,5 year. I still have time. Education here is free so everybody has a degree. I could be free then.

    in reply to: Suicidal because of university #116292
    Alicia
    Participant

    Yeah, I think that is a good idea. I’m going to reach to someone when on my new place. I guess I am scared as well that someone gonna punish me or tell me that I am wrong and can’t do that. But I am not a child anymore so that doesn’t have to stop me. Thank you once again!

    in reply to: Suicidal because of university #116290
    Alicia
    Participant

    And after all those years of dissociation and living in my head waiting for a time when I can be free, I am very surprised that emotions can be that intense and things can feel that difficult. It’s very helpful to hear that this is life and it is intense and it should be (at least at times).

    in reply to: Suicidal because of university #116289
    Alicia
    Participant

    Thank you so much! I am better now. I was trying to figure out what I am really scared of – the answer is loneliness. I feel misunderstood and frustrated but at least I feel like I am belonging. The fear of being left out by my family is also really strong. I remember having those kind of dreams where they are leaving me and treating like a ghost when I was little. But at the same time they treat me as a child who must be told what to do and I don’t want that. That makes me feel powerless and stuck.
    I am so grateful for you and people on that site. I was always afraid to post something, I am actually really surprised that anybody wanted to answer me and tried to understand me. Thank you once again!

    in reply to: Suicidal because of university #116229
    Alicia
    Participant

    Yes, it does. Thank you for your response!
    I think you are right. I told my family, they accepted it but I know that they would like me to stay and disagreeing with them is very uncomfortable and unknown for me. I am really passive person, I always wait for things to force me to action so to quit by myself, even if I am not dying or being kicked out is like death. And I feel like I am not even real, I aways question what I feel because I don’t trust myself. That is probably why I was feeling so trapped – I hated my course but felt like I have to have permission to quit or be forced to do so.
    At one hand I am so happy, have so many ideas and, surprisingly, energy but at the same time, it’s almost like I don’t deserve it, like I am going to be punished and it cannot be real, I must be wrong – especially in the morning.
    That thing is also so huge for me because I don’t feel like I even had a life – earlier I was just crawling through a day. That was not fun but felt safe.

    in reply to: Suicidal because of university #116220
    Alicia
    Participant

    Midnight!
    You said I can write to you 😉 So I do! I am in the process of organising everything and I feel like I am dying. Is it okay? Maybe I do actually waste my life and should just wait those 1,5 year and then be free? I am sorry, I just have panic attacks all the time and I don’t know, maybe it’s my intuition telling me not to make a change?

    in reply to: Suicidal because of university #116155
    Alicia
    Participant

    “At first I thought it was a coping method to help me deal with the sad feelings, but now it’s helping me put off facing the reality that’s so scary”
    I can sooo relate! I feel like I am hibernated and just feeding myself with those fantasies but going nowhere. And I don’t even know what the truth is. I am so used to just “sucking it up” and forcing myself to do the next step, smiling, saying that I am all fine, pretending. I am losing sense of reality, I am not sure what I really feel. I see no choice but to start fresh – being honest here and now and see what happens. I am so done with manipulating, hiding and pretending. I am from really religious and anti-art family so I have alvays been hiding with my art and thoughts. I have always just wanted to run away and be myself. Unfortunately, so far I am just doing it in my head and just losing touch with the real world.

    in reply to: Suicidal because of university #116150
    Alicia
    Participant

    Hi, Norit.
    Thank you for your response! I think I have just been waiting for permission, that my feelings are valid and that I am not crazy. I am so miserable in architecture course, I actually do have suicidal thoughts. So I run into my own fantasy world and wait until I can be free. But from what I see, there is no freedom waiting for me, just more responsibilities. And maybe I can have that grace and forgiveness for myself to just move on right now. And to validate my feelings and take them seriously. I feel like I have never been living, all my teenage years I spent procrastinating or starving myself. And I really do want to come back to reality.I am so afraid but I am so ready.

    in reply to: Suicidal because of university #116041
    Alicia
    Participant

    Big big thank you for all of you – Midnight, anita, meps, Inky, Gunter. I started to talk about it in real life as well and I regret that I was silent for so long.

    in reply to: Suicidal because of university #116039
    Alicia
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your time 😉 Yeah, but that fear is soooo huuuge. Right now I am all fine and confident about droping out but in the morning I feel like I am going to die. Like all the people in my age finished something and I am all alone ;p That is why I wanted to know other people perspectives on this – because maybe it’s not that scary and terrible like I see that.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 17 total)