Home→Forums→Tough Times→Suicidal because of university
- This topic has 44 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by Midnight.
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September 23, 2016 at 1:20 am #115978AliciaParticipant
Hello, I have that huge problem I cannot deal with. Please, share your thoughts about it.
I have been fixating on what to study since I was 16. I’m 22 now and currently studying architecture. I hated it for the very beggining. I had to take a year off because I was so done with life. You bacically have no life, stress all the time, working on projects til 3/4 am. I am also really bad at designing spaces, all those technical stuff as well. I am barely making it.
But I love art. Illustrations, graphics, animations, all those things. But I was so afraid to pursue that. My father was also really against that. I have 1,5 year of architecture left. Meaning – no life, forcing myself, feeling like I am wasting my life (to be good at drawing you must draw and I have no time to do that here). I’m not even sure if I am gonna make it. My family of course want me to just finish it, but what I am gonna do next? I’m going to be at the same place as now. I could start a new program (I’m not from US, you don’t choose individual courses here, just signing up for a whole program)but I would probably feel old here (3 years older that the rest of the group).
It’s a lose-lose situation – or I am going to stay just to have that paper, disappear for a whole 1,5 year, waiting for my life to begin (and to finally put all those art ideas into reality) or drop out, disappoint my family, feel like a failure, not having that degree (that can maybe help me in the future?) but be authentic?
I don’t know, I feel like I have to run, like I am in a hurry. At same point I feel like I could just force myself to finish that degree and “be free” and move abroad, but what am I supposed to do there? If I don’t want to do anything with architecture, but have no other skills? I’m sorry, I am rambling, I am so stressed out, I am thinking about this for YEARS, have no life, completely. At some point, I would just kill myself than make any decision.- This topic was modified 8 years ago by Alicia.
September 23, 2016 at 5:42 am #115987GunterParticipantHi Allicia
First off, I wold like to say that ending your life is not an option, for the following reasons:
– You’re too beautiful a human being for that
– from all the spiritual articles I read I understand that ending your life will not end the challenge. You will have to repeat it again.So, like all of us, you are facing a challenge. I have gone through major life challenges myself (divorce, lost Love, autistic child), and this is what I have learned:
– These challenges are never ever there to punish us, They are always there to teach us something.
– You would not be faced with this challenge if you did not have what it takes to master it and learn from itI went through a lot of misery after my divorce, and it’s okay to feel down. But that is what made me strong, because I had to question who I am, what I REALLY want to do in life. Ultimately we need to decide what we want from life. No one can live it for us.
It sounds like you know what your passion is (art). Is there a way you could do architecture and art at the same time? Maybe you could take some art classes for maybe 2 nights a week, and see if that is what you really want to do. I believe your Soul is sending you a very clear message that you are not doing what you really want to do. Our passions tell us in what direction we need to go, so you do have the direction (art), which is great.
Your parents are of course concerned, as any good parents would be. They want you to be secure in life, because that’s what all parents want for their children. But it’s your life, not theirs. If you hate architecture so much now, that’s not going to change once you have your diploma. You will still hate it afterwards, and still be faced with the same challenge.
This is a decision that you need to make. I do not know if you believe in God or not, but I can tell you that I prayed a lot for guidance when I was down, and I did get the answers I needed when I needed them. You are not alone, ever. There is ALWAYS someone watching out for us. If you open your Heart and ask for guidance, I do believe it will be given to you.It sounds like you have a real passion for art. Many people don’t even know what their passion is. You do, which is awesome, and it would be such a shame to waste that talent. Shine your Light, the world needs it.
God bless
GunterSeptember 23, 2016 at 5:50 am #115989InkyParticipantHi allicia,
Do not even consider ending your life!! First things first, find a real live person to talk to! Tiny Buddha is great and all, but there’s nothing like hearing a human voice and spending time with someone in 3D!!
The one good thing about architecture is once you have the degree, no one can take it away from you! No, you will not be an architect in the way everyone else is. But I see you getting into garden design, and making funky gazebos. (I’m an intuitive, and sometimes I “get” these images!) You can also do animations for architecture firms, go into 3D printing, do illustrations for medical text books. You will find your niche!!
Blessings,
Inky
September 23, 2016 at 8:13 am #115995mepsParticipantHi Allicia!
I found this page today because I was looking for the same answer as you. Im 26 years old and Ive been feeling depressed ever since i started studying set design a year ago. I can really relate to you and felt it was almost my own words when i read your post. All the time I’ve been waiting for a course that i will like but it never comes. I started because i thought i could make colorful, creative and lasting spaces for people in the city and public spaces but now I’m thinking that that is more art and made from self dedication. A set designer work for several months with an environment just to film one scene for 5 minutes and then everything is going in the trash. I just want that paper to prove i can do something because thats what society wants. I just can’t decide if i should stop the education because i would feel like a failure to my family and its only until summer left. My family also think that the most important thing is for me to have an education. Im behind with a lot of reports that i can’t do because i have new one’s to deal with and i just don’t want to do them and feel like you said, forcing myself to be free. I feel really stressed and feel like i have to decide now or never.
In my depressed thoughts about going to school this morning i was googling “you are not your feelings” and found this article on this page that i thought helped me a lot http://tinybuddha.com/blog/living-right-now-you-are-not-your-thoughts-and-feelings/ and http://tinybuddha.com/blog/the-power-of-acceptance-stop-resisting-and-find-the-lesson/ It told me to live right now and act in response of what I am aware of what I value, problem comes when the behavior takes us away from the things we value and also starts creating more problems then it solves, notice whats happening (the feeling we get) and choose a respond, question; why am I experiencing something in this situation? List all possible explanations. “So instead of staring at the closed door in front of us, or getting tired and bruised while we try to break it down, let’s turn around and see how many other windows we have open”.
This helped me today and I am actually thinking of resign om Monday and do something I can be happy with living in now instead. I think maybe its just that I like beautiful things for me and the people around. Like art, music and nature. It would be nice to do some volunteer work and maybe some art project there if i could only make som money of it, thats the problem.
Its fantastic that you want to make great things for people and i hope you can practice your passion in art. I just wish I would not be so afraid of starting something on my own because I know that doing something for all the people will be appreciated and could work. Im practicing and maybe in the future when i figured it out! Its like old people say “I do not regret anything I’ve done, I regret everything I haven’t done”.I hope this could help because it helped me.
Love MatildaSeptember 23, 2016 at 8:34 am #115996AnonymousGuestDear allicia:
Struggling with this dilemma: what program to study? and then: to drop out and start another program or to graduate? has been causing you a huge amount of distress.
If you get to a point of clarity and a resolution, a clear choice, you will feel at peace.
How to get there?
Evaluate the situation thoroughly- and since I am not involved in your life situation- I for one have a better chance at seeing things that are too foggy for you, because of your distress.
If you’d like to evaluate your life situation with me- let’s do that:
For that purpose, I need to understand a couple of things you wrote:
1. ” I am also really bad at designing spaces, all those technical stuff as well. I am barely making it.” Designing spaces is elementary for architects, isn’t it? That is the main thing architecture is about, the basic definition of architecture? How bad are you at it? Do you have still a difficulty imagining a 3-D structure, looking at it from different angles? And the “technical stuff”- do you mean technical stuff necessary to function as an architect?
Any progress through the time on the program regarding designing spaces and the technical stuff?
2. “… to just finish it, but what I am gonna do next? I’m going to be at the same place as now.” Meaning, if you graduate the architecture program, what will happen next? You know what country you live in, the enconomy, what other architectures do for a living… so what do you believe will be next, if and after graduating. What will life be like next?
anita
September 23, 2016 at 9:00 am #115997MidnightParticipantDear allicia,
Your dilemma really resonates with me because I am a former Architecture student and have since changed course to go into another artistic domain. Like you, I have been pressured by my family to “just finish it” even though I knew this wasn’t what I wanted to do.
I know how stressful studying Architecture is, I think a lot of people don’t realize just how much effort and time it requires to present work from week to week, how you always end up working at nights and barely have time to eat properly or sleep. I’m sure this stress is contributing a lot to your feeling of urgency and anxiety.
I think the positive point in your story is that you do know what you want to do. I think you shouldn’t worry too much about being older than everyone else when you start to study what you want, I was around 5 years older than most people in my art school and I can tell you it didn’t make much difference, no one looked at me funny and I found friends and it all went well. Also, there will be other people who start older like you, maybe even older than you. Not everyone’s life is a straight line just like yours isn’t.
I also found that my Architecture studies did give me some advantages so it wasn’t all in vain, I already had some software experience, I already knew how to present work, I already knew how to work a lot and invest in projects.
I think right now it’s hard for you to see that it is not all black & white and that your situation is difficult but not desperate. But I believe it seems so bad to you because you think the lost time is lost forever and you’ll be “late” somewhere, late to your appointment with your real life, so to speak. I’m trying to suggest that this is not necessarily the case.
I can keep writing to you if you want to, in the meantime I hope you can relax a bit, take a deep breath and tell yourself that this is your life’s path and it’s ok just as it is. Hard to believe I know but it’s true.
- This reply was modified 8 years ago by Midnight.
September 23, 2016 at 11:04 am #116012AliciaParticipantO my god, thank all of you people for all those responds! I don’t even know where to start. I’m probably going to be sort of chaotic (with English not being my first language especially) but I hope I will explain everything.
I know 100 percent – I don’t want to be an architect. I think I always knew that – but my father is a really strict men and I did’t have enough courage to go my own way. I don’t want to be in that field at all. I am studying at University of Technology so everything is much more technical.
I feel like I jumped to that architecture train and when I finish I will have to start from zero or do something architecture-ich.
Even when I was teenager I was always forcing myself to do things. My father always has been telling me that it’s not like I don’t like something, I am just not good at it yet. That I can force myself to like things. And that was the way I was living all my life. Always second guessing myself, not trusting my feelings.
And my life right now is just surviving. University, projects, 4/5 hours of sleep. And my projects are really bad, I’m the worst in the group. And nothing more really. I have never been in love, I don’t have real friends. I don’t want to go anywhere, when I have some time I just want to go to sleep. And I feel like a liar, like I’m not myself.
I could (maybe) just finish, like my family wants me to do. But really, it’s just disappearing for 1,5 year. I am having dreams of dying and then regreting not even living.
But having that paper gives me sense of security. But again, I don’t want to work in that field at all.
When I had my year off I was drawing like crazy, I do love that. But I need some time to get better at it. I am afraid I’m not going to make it in arts but again, people who make it take that risk and invest themselves in that fully.
I don’t know, I am constantly changing my mind. Before I was questioning my love for art, that is really my ego and that it is stupid, I could do something on a side. But right now it’s getting more and more serious (I’m getting older and actually feel really old) and I am in my architecture train and getting far away from what I want. I also feel kind of crazy, because what if I could just force myself more, maybe I actually like it, maybe I would die without that diploma?? It’s just 1,5 year. I could wait with life till then.
Ok, let’s make it clear – I know, that I hate it here, should I stay for the sake of having getting a degree and then look for something else or should I just dropout right now and not waste any more time?September 23, 2016 at 11:24 am #116017MidnightParticipantDear allicia,
It’s hard for me to give you advice on what to do right now – staying or dropping out.
I believe this is not the real issue. The real issue here is you standing up to your dad and starting to lead your own life instead of living a shadow of it.
My personal opinion is that finishing will not help you much in future, as you don’t want to be an Architect. It never helped me in any way to have the actual paper, only some of my experience helped me as I explained. I also don’t believe you could force yourself into it or “learn to like it” when you so clearly struggle and can’t find yourself there. It is hard even for people who love it and are good at it, so it must be so much harder for you.What is your current situation regarding your status and family? What I mean is, do you live with your parents and depend on them for everything? What do you think will happen if you tell them you have decided to drop out?
- This reply was modified 8 years ago by Midnight.
September 23, 2016 at 11:32 am #116019MidnightParticipantAlso, I think it is sad and unfair the way that your dad has manipulated you into ignoring your own thoughts, feelings and preferences. You should be able to choose for yourself and not be his puppet. I believe you have become so used to doing what he wants that you now believe that your own wishes don’t matter or that you can learn to like things (maybe even people?) who are wrong for you. I think it is important for you to get back in touch with what you want and feel, otherwise you might wake up 20 years from now and wonder whose life you are living…
September 23, 2016 at 11:54 am #116021AliciaParticipantMy family situation changed a little, so I can physically dropout and I even have a plan what to do next. I am just so scared that I am going to regret not forcing those 1,5 year to have that degree years from now. But I am also scared that those 1,5 years are going to be miserable and just prolonging my ‘being nowhere’ situation. I’m actually really curious about you- so you finished your degree? Have you worked in architecture firm?
September 23, 2016 at 12:06 pm #116028MidnightParticipantI think you are right – you will regret the wasted time more than you will regret not having finished, I believe.
I don’t think that degree will help you with anything if you don’t want to ever work in Architecture anyway. I think your fears are only the echo of your father’s voice telling you what to do, you are scared of disappointing him and of the outcome of not doing what he says.Personally I regret the time I have spent studying Architecture and wish I have changed direction sooner, although as I said it wasn’t the end of the world either that it didn’t happen sooner. I finished my first degree but didn’t go all the way and never worked in Architecture, it just wasn’t for me. The difference is I didn’t know what I wanted to do instead and it took me a while to find out, so while I was still searching for what I wanted to do I kept with it. But you already know, so if the only thing stopping you is that fear of not finishing it, I would say go for it, life’s too short to stick with something you hate.
September 23, 2016 at 12:28 pm #116032AnonymousGuestDear allicia:
I very much agree with Midnight. Dropping the program seems reasonable to me. Also, make a life for yourself separate from your father. Unfortunately he takes residence in your head in the forms of self doubts.
Save yourself. The script for your life- you choose it. Dare to diverge from your father’s script and from social convention such as what age is acceptable to start a program.
anita
September 23, 2016 at 1:46 pm #116039AliciaParticipantThank you so much for your time 😉 Yeah, but that fear is soooo huuuge. Right now I am all fine and confident about droping out but in the morning I feel like I am going to die. Like all the people in my age finished something and I am all alone ;p That is why I wanted to know other people perspectives on this – because maybe it’s not that scary and terrible like I see that.
September 23, 2016 at 1:50 pm #116041AliciaParticipantBig big thank you for all of you – Midnight, anita, meps, Inky, Gunter. I started to talk about it in real life as well and I regret that I was silent for so long.
September 23, 2016 at 1:55 pm #116043MidnightParticipantDear allicia,
I know how scary it seems. I believe that your anxiety about this and other life decisions is related to your dad and the way he makes you fear any choice which goes against his opinions and plans for you. But you have the right to do what you want with your life, and you also have the right to stop doing things which make you feel bad and stressed to the point where you want to die.
By the way I didn’t realize you were only 22, I just read back to your first post. When I changed direction I was a few years older than you and it all went fine, please don’t worry about your age, this really doesn’t matter and should not stop you from doing what you want to do. You are still so young so don’t waste your time on feeling old:) You only feel old because your worries and fears are weighing you down, not because you really are.
Feel free to post here any time during your process with this change to get support and feedback.
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