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Suicidal because of university

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 45 total)
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  • #116044
    Midnight
    Participant

    I only just saw your last message, you’re most welcome. good luck to you and again, come back any time if you feel the need to.

    #116046
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear allicia:

    In your last post or the one right before it you wrote that you are afraid to be all alone, in a new program, alone with students younger than you, away from when your peers (same age students).

    We all need comfort from other people, a sense of togetherness. It is the same as an animal in a herd finding itself alone- there is safety in the togetherness of the herd.

    As animals, we inherit the same emotions.

    I hope you find a group of people, starting with one friend, with whom you share your thoughts and feelings. In such togetherness you will find comfort. On this website, others are available for you. I am. So every time you post, when I am at the computer (and have been daily for over a year), I will respond to you, every time.

    anita

    #116146
    norit
    Participant

    Allicia,

    It feels to me like our society expects people to be leading a life that goes something like: go to school, enter higher education, get a job, create a family, buy a house, settle down. There’s so much pressure during our teens to know EXACTLY what you wish to do and have your life sorted there and then. Actually, things rarely work out so simply, and I wish they didn’t reinforce that idea!

    Many people study something only to find they no longer enjoy it. Or 15 years later, realise they want to change their job and start afresh. People do this at all ages, and it’s totally okay to go in a new direction. The time you’ve spent studying so far won’t have been wasted – while you mightn’t be using the architecture skills you’ve learnt, I imagine you have grown as a person since you first started. You might not feel like you have any other skills, but no-one does until we go out and learn them! 🙂

    You aren’t all alone if you don’t finish, although I understand why you feel that way. I’m a little older than you and haven’t even been to college, but many of my friends from high school have since finished their studies. I feel so left behind sometimes, like I’m not at their ‘level’ in some way. But actually, it’s not fair on ourselves to compare our lives to others. Everyone is going at a different pace, on a different trial, and there’s no finish line to cross. The hurry you feel, I have felt too, but I’m starting to see the pressure isn’t really there. It’s my life, and I’m going at my own speed, learning new things, making mistakes, changing direction always. As long as you’re always moving towards what you makes you feel content with yourself, that’s what matters.

    I’m new to replying on here.. I hope I’ve not got carried away or misunderstood anything, and I’m terribly sorry if I have! Am excited to read more of your posts.

    – norit

    #116150
    Alicia
    Participant

    Hi, Norit.
    Thank you for your response! I think I have just been waiting for permission, that my feelings are valid and that I am not crazy. I am so miserable in architecture course, I actually do have suicidal thoughts. So I run into my own fantasy world and wait until I can be free. But from what I see, there is no freedom waiting for me, just more responsibilities. And maybe I can have that grace and forgiveness for myself to just move on right now. And to validate my feelings and take them seriously. I feel like I have never been living, all my teenage years I spent procrastinating or starving myself. And I really do want to come back to reality.I am so afraid but I am so ready.

    #116153
    norit
    Participant

    Allicia, your feelings are most definitely valid, and you are not crazy. Your feelings, your needs, your desires – everything about you deserves to be taken seriously. I’m incredibly sad to hear you’ve been doing a course that makes you feel so deeply unhappy. You deserve to be doing what you enjoy, and following the life YOU want to lead.

    But it’s also made me happy, seeing your last sentence – you’ve said you are ready, and you sound ready. You’ve said, “maybe I can have that grace and forgiveness for myself to just move on right now. And to validate my feelings and take them seriously.”
    It sounds like you are already starting to take your feelings seriously, even if it’s just a little.

    It’s much easier in a fantasy world, isn’t it? 🙂 I have a habit of falling into fantasy too. At first I thought it was a coping method to help me deal with the sad feelings, but now it’s helping me put off facing the reality that’s so scary. I don’t know if you can relate to that at all?
    It is scary, but can also be wonderful, and everything in between. I think it’s just about having some faith in yourself, that you’ll be able to cope with everything that comes your way.

    • This reply was modified 8 years ago by norit.
    #116155
    Alicia
    Participant

    “At first I thought it was a coping method to help me deal with the sad feelings, but now it’s helping me put off facing the reality that’s so scary”
    I can sooo relate! I feel like I am hibernated and just feeding myself with those fantasies but going nowhere. And I don’t even know what the truth is. I am so used to just “sucking it up” and forcing myself to do the next step, smiling, saying that I am all fine, pretending. I am losing sense of reality, I am not sure what I really feel. I see no choice but to start fresh – being honest here and now and see what happens. I am so done with manipulating, hiding and pretending. I am from really religious and anti-art family so I have alvays been hiding with my art and thoughts. I have always just wanted to run away and be myself. Unfortunately, so far I am just doing it in my head and just losing touch with the real world.

    #116220
    Alicia
    Participant

    Midnight!
    You said I can write to you 😉 So I do! I am in the process of organising everything and I feel like I am dying. Is it okay? Maybe I do actually waste my life and should just wait those 1,5 year and then be free? I am sorry, I just have panic attacks all the time and I don’t know, maybe it’s my intuition telling me not to make a change?

    #116222
    Midnight
    Participant

    Hi Allicia,

    I’m sorry to hear you are feeling bad. Do you want to share a bit more about what you are doing and how your family reacted to your decision?

    I think that the anxiety is coming from your fear of listening to your own voice after listening to your father’s voice for so long.
    You are asking if it’s your intuition, but I believe it’s the part of you that is still very scared of going against your father’s will. I believe it is probably a combination of two fears: one, that your father will be angry and disappointed with you. Two, that whatever he told you will happen as a result of not doing what he says, all these bad scary things, will happen.

    I think that when we are experiencing anxiety and panic attacks we are not really thinking or listening to our real intuition, or inner voice. We are in survival mode and are only looking for the safest course of action, and this is what you are feeling right now. But the course of action that we interpret as being safest for us isn’t necessarily so, and is not always what’s best for us or what we even really want. Does that make sense?

    #116229
    Alicia
    Participant

    Yes, it does. Thank you for your response!
    I think you are right. I told my family, they accepted it but I know that they would like me to stay and disagreeing with them is very uncomfortable and unknown for me. I am really passive person, I always wait for things to force me to action so to quit by myself, even if I am not dying or being kicked out is like death. And I feel like I am not even real, I aways question what I feel because I don’t trust myself. That is probably why I was feeling so trapped – I hated my course but felt like I have to have permission to quit or be forced to do so.
    At one hand I am so happy, have so many ideas and, surprisingly, energy but at the same time, it’s almost like I don’t deserve it, like I am going to be punished and it cannot be real, I must be wrong – especially in the morning.
    That thing is also so huge for me because I don’t feel like I even had a life – earlier I was just crawling through a day. That was not fun but felt safe.

    #116236
    Midnight
    Participant

    Dear Allicia,

    This is a big step for you, so it’s natural to feel some fear. But it sounds to me as though your high levels of anxiety and this feeling that you are “dying” are related to how scared you are of doing things without permission from your family. I think that as a child you were very scared that your family will be so unhappy with you if you don’t obey, that they will reject you and not take care of you anymore. This huge fear must have felt like dying, or like you will end up dead, because a child cannot survive without his or her family.

    I think in order to gradually become more peaceful and confident in yourself, you have to start giving yourself permission to do and enjoy the things that you like. You are the master of your own life. It will be scary at first to learn to trust your own voice but I am sure it will get better. It is not surprising that this is scary and hard for you right now, you are only starting to learn how to trust your own voice and it’s like learning a new skill.

    I have no doubt that you are making the right choice, because to be good at something you must like it and you obviously hate what you’re doing at the moment. So I don’t see what can be gained by you staying and suffering longer. Give yourself permission to follow your own voice, you’re the only one who can do that. I know that right now running away into safety feels like a tempting choice, but you said it yourself, it might feel safe but it’s not really living. And you’ll probably be faced with similar anxieties at another point in your life anyway, if you don’t deal with this now.

    If your anxiety is getting really strong you might consider seeing a therapist or a doctor. Also there are some great Apps for anxiety relief that can sometimes really help.

    #116289
    Alicia
    Participant

    Thank you so much! I am better now. I was trying to figure out what I am really scared of – the answer is loneliness. I feel misunderstood and frustrated but at least I feel like I am belonging. The fear of being left out by my family is also really strong. I remember having those kind of dreams where they are leaving me and treating like a ghost when I was little. But at the same time they treat me as a child who must be told what to do and I don’t want that. That makes me feel powerless and stuck.
    I am so grateful for you and people on that site. I was always afraid to post something, I am actually really surprised that anybody wanted to answer me and tried to understand me. Thank you once again!

    #116290
    Alicia
    Participant

    And after all those years of dissociation and living in my head waiting for a time when I can be free, I am very surprised that emotions can be that intense and things can feel that difficult. It’s very helpful to hear that this is life and it is intense and it should be (at least at times).

    #116291
    Midnight
    Participant

    Dear Allicia,

    I am glad that you now have a better understanding of what you are scared of. I does make sense for you to feel scared of being abandoned as a consequence of your actions now, because you were scared of that as a child. It is a deep rooted fear for you. I think it is great that you have decided to decide for yourself and deal with that fear. Trust yourself and start to see yourself as the person who knows best what’s best for you.

    Considering your background with your family, it is only natural that this should be very scary for you. Like you said, you are used to ignoring your feelings and preferences and not feel or want anything, because of that fear of being left alone. So now that you are starting to get in touch with what you want and feel, that fear wakes up as well and tries to warn you from this, because you perceive it as a great danger.

    Post here anytime you want, this process might take a while before you reach balance, you might have good days and not so good days in the meantime. If you can see a therapist during this period it might be a good idea as well, because a good therapist can provide you with that support and help you to not feel alone.

    #116292
    Alicia
    Participant

    Yeah, I think that is a good idea. I’m going to reach to someone when on my new place. I guess I am scared as well that someone gonna punish me or tell me that I am wrong and can’t do that. But I am not a child anymore so that doesn’t have to stop me. Thank you once again!

    #116296
    Midnight
    Participant

    That’s great Allicia!
    Good luck with that, come back to update or share anytime you need to.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 45 total)

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