Hello,

Thanks for sharing all of that with me. I don’t feel I necessarily felt neglected by a parent, but I did have a falling out with my grandmother about 7 years ago, and everything you mentioned about the feeling of loss, well I’ve carried it with me throughout all of these years.

The whole sex with no emotional attachment is something really hard to understand. I know I don’t have to understand it, but I definitely feel it would make all this loss and heartbreak not feel so heavy. I am feeling super emotional today, well since yesterday. He has been celebrating his birthday this weekend and well I saw a lot of him through his friends and family’s social platforms. It was hard to ignore, so I caved and went and looked at his stuff too. It just brought back so many memories, and the feeling of loss, as well as the feeling of me wanting to reach out to him in an attempt to fix whatever I can. It makes me feel so low that I can still love someone who hurt me so deeply. I know it’s about grieving and me slowly moving on, but it has just been a super rough day for me today.

I am going to insert another part of the letter I wrote here.

It’s a pretty lengthy letter.. so I’m thinking about posting it in paragraphs if that’s okay. I will remove all names just for privacy, but I’ll post the first part. It kind of talks about how we started dating and how I felt about walking away from it a few times after some stuff happened (red flags). Here is that part. I wrote this section the day after we facetimed and I asked him to hear me out. He was so cold, and he completely told me he just didn’t want to talk about it anymore. That’s the day I decided that I needed to do this on my own and move on.

“Dear X,

I am writing this to you because I need to get closure and let go. There’s a lot of stuff I feel I never got to say, and you were so stubborn the few times we talked that you were done hearing me say it. So I’m writing it down, I think it’ll help. I’ll probably go through all these different emotions as I write this, I’ve been a rollercoaster these past few weeks. So here it goes. You put me through so much shit.. but I only have myself to blame for that as I let you. I should’ve known when to walk away, but I was so caught up in feeling like hanging out with you, talking to you, dating you just felt right. I’ve never felt that before.. the feeling of “I’m doing what I’m meant to be doing with someone else.” Why I felt that with you? I don’t know, and it was so weird because you’d always bring up your deja vu and talk about how you just felt like it felt right because you’ve lived it before. I never brought up how it felt for me, as I kind of used what you would say as words of comfort whenever I felt like I didn’t want to try with you anymore. And I felt that, maybe like 2 or 3 times throughout our time together. I felt it when I first started dating you.. you were so refreshing and you just wow, you would lighten up my moods, my days. I didn’t want to let that be, because I wanted to be selfish and keep living my life only worrying about myself. You had me though, and it took me much longer to realize that. I felt like quitting once more the day after you asked me to be your girlfriend, and well I won’t get into that. It’s like I had this whole idea inside my head of you, that you were just different and that you really cared, and maybe you did, but what we went through that day, or at least what I went through that day, felt like I was falling from the top of a mountain. I should’ve walked away the, I should’ve listened to the red flags, but I didn’t. The second time I felt like walking away was on New Years. I realized how much I cared about you right before that and well seeing (girl he cheated on me with) show up made me feel like maybe you hadn’t changed, or that you had been hiding something from me. Now I know I was right. The last time I felt like I wanted to walk away was when I found out you had cheated on me. Don’t think I’ve experienced heartbreak like I did that day. I’ve never been cheated on, so I didn’t know how to react. I had the expectation that you would respect me enough to not do that to me. I see now that I was wrong, and although it pains me, I’m glad I found out. I’ve passed it around in my head over and over again, and all I can say with 100 % certainty is that I would not want to end up with someone who is willing to hurt me the way that you did. ”

Thanks,

Alejandra

Dear Anita,

I think yesterday when I found out I was in such a confined mind bubble that I just felt so hopeless and heartbroken.. right now I am feeling sad, but I am also feeling grateful because I was able to remind myself of the way he was when we were together and the real reason why we broke up. He couldn’t respect me then, and I cannot expect him to work on himself and suddenly be fixed. I myself have had things I’ve had to work on to improve myself and become better, but sometimes it took months, sometimes it took years. But you’re right, people tend to choose what is easier. I’ve done it before.

Whatever the reason for him doing that, I need to try to let it be and let go of the action, otherwise I’ll get caught up in my head and that doesn’t usually end well.

I actually really like that you analyze what I am writing.. it makes me go back to my thoughts and realize why I’ve said certain things and how I truly feel about it. Thank you for letting me vent. I had been struggling a bit, since his birthday is coming up. I had bought his gift about a month ago, and due to the virus, I got my money back so I no longer have to worry about that, however, part if me wants to reach out to him, but also part of me doesn’t want to. I don’t want to feel anxious, if he doesn’t reply, or if he’s short (which I feel he would be). He has texted me a few times since I decided to not talk to him again, so it makes sense that now that I reach out, he wouldn’t want to hear from me.

Thanks

Ale

Hi again,

I ended up writing my letter how you suggested.. I’ve yet to go back and read it, but it definitely gave me some relief to be able to write down everything I was feeling. I decided to cut off all contact with him. It has been rough, but I don’t feel like a huge emotional rollercoaster. It has been a week and a half since I last spoke to him. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy and doing things I enjoy. It has been a bit rough, being so that I’m stuck at home. I have been able to keep myself put together for the most part. I don’t feel the urge to text him, right now I actually don’t think I even want to talk to him.

Over the last week and a half he has contacted me twice, I didn’t respond. Yesterday, some of our friends who we used to dance salsa with started a group chat with us. He responded, but I tried my hardest not to, and didn’t. I know the best way to avoid those moments and feeling nostalgic would be to block him. I don’t think I am there yet. Maybe it’s just my heart in denial, maybe I feel too emotionally exhausted to put myself through more sadness and anxiety. Yesterday was super rough, I cried the whole time in the shower, and later in the evening I cried for about two hours. It started with missing him, but transitioned into how he treated me and what I had to go through in the relationship.

I hadn’t mentioned this but I was having so much trouble sleeping, however these past few days I started to sleep a bit better. I still struggle to fall asleep, but my sleep is now continuous. I manage to get around 5 6 hours of it. I also started eating a bit more, as I have lost around 10 pounds in the last few weeks. I think that means I am slowly healing. I am still having feelings of wanting to ask him to reconsider, him breaking up with me totally crushed my self-esteem. I know this relationship wasn’t healthy for me, I of course still love him, I think I need time or closure or to be able to leave my home once again. Being stuck at home during this quarantine makes me feel I am stuck with my thoughts and feeling this way, I don’t know how to explain it. Anyway, I was reading other people’s posts on here, and realized a lot of people are going through similar or worse things than me. I also saw people revisiting after years and sharing how they are doing now. It was so refreshing to see that they overcame their struggles and that time really heals wounds. It’s only been a bit over two weeks for me, so it’s fresh. I still cry and have super bad days full of anxiety, but I am waking up every day and getting through the days with all I have to offer right now.

Hello,

I realize the way that sounded was a bit intense. I meant that I lost it during my relationship. I was doing crazy things, like checking his location, asking him too many questions if I felt suspicious. I usually am not the kind of person to doubt and worry, but I wanted so badly to believe that our relationship would grow that I never stopped to give myself time to heal and decide whether or not I would be able to forgive him. I think I can, and I probably should to let go. People aren’t perfect they will always make mistakes. It’s how the choose to act after those mistakes that show whether or not they want to do right, be better, etc.

I have been having a rough time sleeping. I also have my up and down rollercoaster of emotions. I usually wake up with that feeling of despair, knowing that part of my life is gone. Some days I feel hopeless and I cry a lot, other days I feel okay. It’s tough living through all this and not being able to leave home. I feel like I am always in my thoughts and can’t escape them. it might be good, as I am the kind of person that buries themselves in work when grieving, but I guess it’s just new to me and I’ve been struggling to understand it.

Anita,

I will look into writing it down and I will share it on here. I think the biggest thing for the purpose of the letter is forgiveness. I feel like I need to forgive everything that he put me through in order for me to let go of all this anger and negative emotions. I really think that it will help me heal in a healthier way. When I have it written, I will share it with you thank you.

And this is the first time I get cheated on in a relationship. It’s only my third serious relationship, and while I had issues in my past two relationships, infidelity was never one of them. I think I am scared I won’t deal with these insecurities well if I start to date again. I really lost myself, I became a paranoid person, constantly looking for mistakes, focusing on details, and missing the big picture. It made me very controlling and insecure, and I am afraid that that’s something I’ll struggle with a lot in the future.

Hello,

Yes, it helps a lot to hear from you. And you are right, I definitely have been feeling some sense of relief because he is no longer able to hurt me in that way. And it is also good that I was able to get out of it early on, even if initially it wasn’t my decision. You are right about the betrayal. I barely started thinking about that these past two days. I can’t just bend myself over and over again for someone who is okay with disrespecting me like that. I am currently feeling all of this pain, heartbreak, betrayal, and that is what has me feeling hopeless, trying to fight for something that isn’t right. I know that this is the right choice, I am just having such a hard time dealing with my emotions and trying to heal in the best way possible. I know it takes time, I think I’m just trying to reach out for some support, some advice, anything. This whole situation with lockdowns has left me stuck at home unable to escape my house or my feelings and I feel like I’m having a hard time dealing with all that.