Sojourner,

I’m sorry for the confusion, and can understand why its difficult to reopen sometimes after we’ve been hurt in love. Consider that relationships can go from a partnership, a playful exploration, into a puzzle, then burden, then who knows what. These leave scratches on our heart that take time to heal. The signs are there, consider that when you see these handsome suitors, they have a sharp meaning, “do I want a relationship? What if? What next? Yeesh, nah.” All normal, and perhaps just means there is still some pain left. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that dancing with a partner can be fun… if its full of kindness on both sides, tender attention, communication and so forth. When that goes missing for a long time, we can forget our playfulness… a partner seems heavy, a load. As we grieve the loss, it really helps if we make sure we reconnect to our own inner playmate. Do things we enjoy doing, go exploring, self nurture, let go, let it all settle… we turn our tender attentions on ourselves, and heal the loss. Which is really just making some space to let our bodies process what we went through. Over time and tears and laughter we find our heartsong singing again, and singing a duet feels fun, refreshing, alluring. Even then, there’s no rush, no need to “dive all in”.

Instead, when or if you’re ready, nibble a little from the buffet rather than trying to order a 3 course meal. Its not like you have to marry any of them or commit to anything (to them or inside), and instead can just go and play. If you have fun, maybe do it again sometime. No pressure… just an explorer, looking around, seeing what and who she likes.

Said differently, it sounds like your inner girl is scared (which can happen at any age) and soon your mind gets all buzzy from what ifs and old memories. No wonder you’re not in the mood to play! If you are in the mood, but are just scared… you can just go slow, nibble, a toe in a still pond. 🙂

Namaste, dear sister, may your smile grow ever more heartfelt.

With warmth,
Matt

John,

Yeah, lying belly up is a goofy way to try to walk. Perhaps you’re taking yourself a little too seriously?

A better direction to aim in my opinion is thus: Be a king, The King, all you want, but remember that the crown really only means you are the servant of the kingdom. Its not about you, its about what has been entrusted to you. Want less belly up feeling? Don’t jab at the bellies of others. Knock the judge off the throne, and replace him with the holy warrior. They’re just roles, brother, and they don’t actually define you. Mountains, molehills, managers, janitors… all the same, all one. Give a little, get a little. Give kindness, get kindness. Ya know?

Its good to hit crisis, right? It gets your head out of your ass. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Mina,

In contrast to some of the other kindly advice, I don’t think drinking is his problem. The drinking and sex seem to revolve around the same basic issue… low self esteem, leading to poor stress coping techniques. Consider for a moment looking at our happiness as a light inside us. When that light gets challenged, we feel pushed to rekindle it.

For him, it sounds like alcohol and sex are things he does to try to feel better. A few drinks or an orgasm later, and he’s back to stable ground, feeling balanced, stable, stress-less. The “flash-bang” of the booze or sex rekindles that happiness, chemically in his brain. Its pretty common, and he sounds like he’s flirting with addiction, by the “no-breaks” and the porn-like variations in his desire.

The solution for him is to find better habits for dealing with stress. Artistic endeavors would probably be great for him, he sounds like a dreamer. However, walks in nature, healthy eating, meditation… anything that removes the “life-grind” feeling and opens the space around him, letting him relax and unwind without the flash-bang.

Its up to him, of course, and nothing you do will change him. However, you can encourage him, be there for him, and offer your side… and hopefully that’ll help enough. It really depends on how much crud, how low the esteem, and so forth.

For you, you’ll have to find acceptance that he simply is who he is. Don’t “lean into” his cycle, it’ll just disorient you, wondering if you could do something better, help him in such and such a way. All just draining, codependent, worthless for you both.

Instead, focus your attentions on your own journey. He’ll find what he’ll find, and grow as he needs to. Out of your hands. What’s in your hands is the desire inside you to explore, fly, experience and grow. That’s noble, that’s where you’ll find your own heartsong. Then, you’ll be able to reach for and grow the life you want. Such as, if you want deep eye looking during sex, you’ll find it. With him, with another, who knows… but it won’t be a cycle of “wanting X and getting Y”. You’ll ask for what you want, and help your partner find you. If he doesn’t, you’ll know you tried and feel comfortable moving on.

From a different direction, if his actions are thorny to you and your heart, that’s fine. Offer the thorns you feel to him, and if he chooses to come to the plate and try, growing toward you, woohoo. Sometimes role-play, sometimes deep looking. If he can’t, doesn’t see the value in your desires,or in other ways doesn’t seem to be aiming at the same kind of intimacy you are, it may be time to turn away. That’s really between you and your heart, which is wiser than any words. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

John,

Its good to hear from you, though I’m sorry that your circumstances have become difficult. John, I know you know things that you’ve forgotten, stopped believing, stopped practicing. That’s OK, and normal, dear brother, and your stress-gazm makes sense. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that when we take the appropriate time to self nurture, such as meditation, walks in nature, listening to soft music, and so forth, we make space for the day’s ripples to unwind, relax. This is sometimes called “growing the tender shoots of compassion” or “of dharma”. If we stop good self care habits, we end up moving closer and closer to burnout. (Ie, an afflicted mental state… look around, say hi!)

The great news is you’re poised perfectly for breakthrough. You’re in the center of your maze, and panicked enough to let it go. My suggestion, sit right down and rekindle your heartsong. Intentionally set down the past, set down the future (illusions, history, dreams, fears) and just sit. “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube. Grow some happiness intentionally.

Remember, these situations you’re in, have been through aren’t the source of the icky feelings. The icky feelings are from the ripples in the pool becoming intense, the mind running here, there and everywhere. Like a mare, over exhausted, frothing, seeking shelter and comfort. Take off the saddle, the pushing need to be elsewhere, and just breathe. That’s when you’ll be able to laugh, to play. Too see your life without dread, and instead see just how fertile it is, you are.

Namaste, brother, the light always dims when the fuel runs low.

With warmth,
Matt

That mostly works itself out once we get our bearings. What sounds like fun? Start there. Keep a sharp eye, and the heart has a way of doing the rest. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Sarah,

I think you’re misaiming when you say “self discipline”. Consider a different view. I think your concentration is waning as you encounter stress, until the “dreams” are set aside for “real needs, now”. Such as “it would be lovely to eat salad for lunch all week” and maybe Monday that works, Tuesday you manage to squeak it out, but by Wednesday, you’re ten minutes late and choose to grab a few burritos from a gas station for lunch. Thursday pizza, Friday a basket of french fries. Obviously, adapted, but this is often falsely attributed to “no discipline”, instead of “lost focus”.

The problem is often the fuel in the tank, such as over the weekend, perhaps you unwind and relax, reopen to “what does Sarah really want”. Then the answer to that question fuels you for a little while. Soon, stress builds and the dream is lost,that open space collapses and your choices don’t harmonize with that dream. Moving from a place of thriving to surviving. Etc.

This cycle is easier to break than most people think, because the need is to reconnect to our personal rhythm. This is done through self nurturing, such as taking the time to settle in quiet surroundings, set down the past, set down the future, and simply rest, open to the inner Sarah that is an undisturbed witness. For a life on the go, the best way I know of to do this is through metta meditation.

Metta is the feeling of warm friendship that is in our chest area. When we are flowing with metta, our mind loses its agitation quite naturally, and becomes quiet, peaceful. Buddha taught that focusing on metta grows concentration quickly, which is like both a salve and inoculation to unskillful choices. When we are mentally luminous, open, curious, ready, there is no pushing inside that leads us to make the “survivor” choice. We stay poised and ready to build our dream in each moment, each breath, no matter what arises in our day, our senses, our mind. Interesting, what now? Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested. It’ll help with the sleeplessness if you do it at night, only 30 minutes! If you can do it in the morning (eventually, after you overcome the exhaustion), it’ll make each day brighter. IMHO, of course.

Namaste, sis, may your cycles blossom into ribbons of light.

With warmth,
Matt

Breathing,

Are you able to look back at your abusers with compassion for their side? Such as “ah, given the same circumstances, that could have been me”? Sometimes our dreams help us find freedom by exposing unhealed hurts. Otherwise, just a dream, nobiggie, eat some breakfast, breathing. Right?

Instead of doubling efforts, consider meeting your uncomfortable emotions as “slow passing thoughts”. Nothing to do, empty, have no hold on us, teachers, manure that grows the lotus.

If this is all known already, then its just a matter of peaceful abiding. They come, they go, wind in the front door during the dreams, out the back door with the breath. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Mitra,

In addition to inky’s heartfelt words, consider that sometimes relationships become closely tied with our happiness. For a long time, when you found something new, you’d try to share it with him. Sometimes he’d listen, and sometimes reject you. Either way, that urge to run to him with your discoveries became a habit.

To settle this cycle, intentionally keep things private. Go have some adventures, and don’t tell anyone. What do you like to do? What museums have you wanted to check out? What gallery? What library? What shop? It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as you want to do it, and choose not to tell anyone that you’re going or have gone. Its just for you, a private gift to yourself, exploring.

Then, talking to him, not talking to him, doesn’t matter. You don’t have to tell him, he doesn’t need to know, he hasn’t earned the right to know. Sure, he may inspire all sorts of thoughts and feelings in you, but as long as you keep that secret, he won’t have control. Breathing, enduring the sparks, but then, as you walk away, you’ll have a special place to return to that is only yours. That’s when you’ll be able to see more clearly: “how did dancing with him actually feel?” “Do I want to do that again?”

Finally, consider that if you feel like you want to be with him because you feel lonely, alone, unheard, it would be a good time to self nurture. Hope in a tub with candles, listen to soft music, take a nature walk… something that gets you out of your head, and surrounds your tender heart with warmth and space. My favorite is metta meditation, consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. A little self care goes a long way, and the right amount of self care goes all the way. 🙂

Good luck!

With warmth,
Matt