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Ready or Not?

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  • #58197
    sojourner
    Participant

    Matt, Inky & gentle people – I’m 56 – a normal woman with the regular set of life experiences you’d expect a person of my age to have had.

    I split amicably with a wonderful guy 7 months ago after 2 mostly good years together; lots of love there still, but realistically, come to find out, we are not a good fit for the long term. I am past the double pumper snotty nosed awful heartache part & am good now being alone, have gotten used to it, & though I miss the man, he’s happy (which pleases me) & I am truly grateful for what we shared.

    Fast forward to now – How will I know I am ready to venture into a romantic relationship again, if ever? When can I throw myself into it with abandon?

    Nice men, good men, attractive, mature men, are pursuing me (cool!) but I am just not feeling it. I’m trying, I really am. They are actually extremely loving, respectful & generous in ways that my former was not, so shouldn’t I being JUMPING on this? I’m a lucky woman to be getting this kind of attention, and yet, very little is happening inside me in term of interest in any of them.

    Is it because I’m still in love with a man I know I do not have a future with (how silly is THAT)? Am I still grieving? Is it because they aren’t who I’m to be with? When & if I have a relationship, I want it because it’s the thing to do with the right guy, not because I am filling the void left by a lost relationship. That wouldn’t be fair to me or the guy and it certainly won’t stand the test of time.

    So, how do I take this next step? How do I know my heart is ready? Is this STILL about letting go? My brain says “go for it, woman”, my heart says, “mmm – I don’t think so”, my body is somewhere in between.

    Can you believe I have these questions so late in life? Shine your light on me! Thanks.

    #58199
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi There! I answered this in your comments, but glad you put it on a Forum!

    To put a visual spin on this: The other week my son and I saw turkeys. It was mating season. The cob was all decked out in his finery. He looked half as big as the car, his feathers glistening with purple, blue and black highlights. He was shaking, rattling and cackling, long pinfeathers dragging melodically on the pavement.

    “OK,” I said out loud, already bored. “Where is she? Where’s the hen?”

    And then She appeared (this would be you LOL). Long-legged, slender, elegant, poking around for seeds.

    The cob went crazy. More display.

    Cars were honking and weaving around us.

    Cob didn’t care.

    And neither did she. I honestly, truly think she was 100% just looking for seeds. It wasn’t an act. She just didn’t care.

    Look, if, in Mother Nature itself, which is a perfect reflective blueprint of The Universe, the females during Mating Season, THE Mating Season, don’t care, It’s OK!! You don’t have to be interested right now. There is no Cosmic Law, no Noah’s Ark. Just hang out. Eat seeds! It is perfect no matter what or who you choose or don’t choose!

    I Promise!!! 🙂

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
    #58208
    Matt
    Participant

    Sojourner,

    I’m sorry for the confusion, and can understand why its difficult to reopen sometimes after we’ve been hurt in love. Consider that relationships can go from a partnership, a playful exploration, into a puzzle, then burden, then who knows what. These leave scratches on our heart that take time to heal. The signs are there, consider that when you see these handsome suitors, they have a sharp meaning, “do I want a relationship? What if? What next? Yeesh, nah.” All normal, and perhaps just means there is still some pain left. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Consider that dancing with a partner can be fun… if its full of kindness on both sides, tender attention, communication and so forth. When that goes missing for a long time, we can forget our playfulness… a partner seems heavy, a load. As we grieve the loss, it really helps if we make sure we reconnect to our own inner playmate. Do things we enjoy doing, go exploring, self nurture, let go, let it all settle… we turn our tender attentions on ourselves, and heal the loss. Which is really just making some space to let our bodies process what we went through. Over time and tears and laughter we find our heartsong singing again, and singing a duet feels fun, refreshing, alluring. Even then, there’s no rush, no need to “dive all in”.

    Instead, when or if you’re ready, nibble a little from the buffet rather than trying to order a 3 course meal. Its not like you have to marry any of them or commit to anything (to them or inside), and instead can just go and play. If you have fun, maybe do it again sometime. No pressure… just an explorer, looking around, seeing what and who she likes.

    Said differently, it sounds like your inner girl is scared (which can happen at any age) and soon your mind gets all buzzy from what ifs and old memories. No wonder you’re not in the mood to play! If you are in the mood, but are just scared… you can just go slow, nibble, a toe in a still pond. 🙂

    Namaste, dear sister, may your smile grow ever more heartfelt.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #58216
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thank you Inky and Matt for your amazing replies.

    Hey Sojourner,

    I felt a little confused reading your post and had to read it a few times to understand your question. I will provide my perspective, which may or may not agree with you today.

    Hey, when you need to have a shower, take a dump, have breakfast or wear a particular dress, do you seek anyone’s permission or validation ? I suspect your answer is going to be no. Then, why do you need an outside light on this issue ?

    You seem like a very sensible and mature lady from the post and you seem to know the answers to your queries as well. What is the real reason behind writing this post ?

    When you couldn’t find the right person in the guy you dated for 2 years, how do you expect to find the right person by just testing the waters ? Sometimes, to find the right answers, we need to take a deep dive into our hearts and mind to understand what it is that we seek. Similarly, to find the right partner or companion, you need to go through some not so compatible partners. Until we try different types of food to decide which suits our own tastebuds or sense of smell, how can we be so sure that a certain food is not to our liking just by looking at it ? And who decides the rule as to what is wrong or right in this world anyway ? Who decides if someone or something can stand the test of time ?

    I personally think at this age, you should be able to enjoy your life as and how you want it to be – no one is watching you lady. You are your own boss and whatever you do will be for your best 🙂

    May you find the real answer that your heart seeks.

    Cheers

    J

    #58218
    sojourner
    Participant

    Beloved (and I MEAN that) Inky, Matt & Jasmine-3 Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your thoughtful responses. I couple of things I’ve gleaned from you wisdom & help…

    1 – Jasmine, quite honestly, the real reason I’m writing this post is because as badly as I want to be, I don’t think I am totally over the man or the relationship just yet, I think I still harbor a bit of hope for both, which I expect in more time, I will get past. Seems to be a little discrepancy between what my brain knows is reality & what my heart dreams. Perhaps in writing this post I’m seeking some sort of sign that I AM in fact beyond the loss, if that makes any sense. 7 months seems a long time and I’m not known for my patience to begin with. I guess I just need more time to heal as well as time to sample the new offerings when I’m ready. I deeply appreciate your hard questions as well as your boost to my self esteem & direction.

    2 – Inky, Inky, Inky – you are truly a blessing to this website. This hen (btw not so long legged or elegant, but 2 out of 3 ain’t bad!) will nibble at the seeds and the variety available! And just breathe for now. Thank you for both of your responses.

    3 – Kind Matt – I’m going to actually QUOTE you when these suitors start to tap tap tap, as they are all doing. I’m simply not ready and I don’t need to apologize for that (even though it is in my nature not to keep people waiting, including myself).

    So, in keeping with the food theme (seeds, buffet, 3 course meals, breakfast, food, taste buds…), I will use a small plate for the time being and fill it with a variety of delicious offerings.

    Bless you all. I’ll let you know how it all goes.

    #58221
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks Sojourner.

    Ok. If it is the sign you are looking for, lets make it easier for you. NO, you are not over your loss as yet. When you are over your loss, you will know it and you wont need to ask anyone for the sign then :). I personally think you need to move on from this ex-relationship to find what your heart seeks.

    All is well. Take your time and stay well / happy.

    You are worth it all.

    Jasmine

    #58307
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey everybody.

    I thought about what I wanted to ask, and this is new to me. I’m probably not making sense, so let me explain. I’ve never dated, had a boyfriend, kissed a boy, or slept with one. I’m still a young person, so there’s plenty of time for me to flirt, mingle, enjoy the single life. I liked one guy back in high school, but he never gave me the time of day. Because of him, I was emotionally and physically sick. I’m better now.

    The person that’s writing to you also went through a phase where she wanted to be with a guy from a boy band. I’m still going through that phase. I’m not going to say who they are, but they’re Italian and I want to date the guy with the glasses. But after reading about their culture, I don’t think it’s worth it. Oh my God, I can’t believe myself. I can’t believe I’m actually writing this. Truthfully, I don’t care if a guy is famous or isn’t well known by people. I just want to date someone who’s spontaneous, sensual, accepts me for who I am, loyal, protective, and assertive. So if any of you are in the same situation I am or something similar to that, I would really appreciate it if you gave me some advice. I gave advice to a few people on this site and I feel I deserve a favor. Thanks and live, laugh, love.

    #58314
    Inky
    Participant

    What helped me, and I truly believe this is what did it (all three or one? who knows?):

    1. I wrote a prayer for a family and put it in the Western Wall in Jerusalem.

    2. I wrote a list of 30 things ~ qualities/looks/hobbies/religious belief/political belief/geography etc. of my ideal mate. Wouldn’t you know it, looking back, DH was pretty much everything on the list!

    3. I did an Enchantment. Before I met Anybody, I wrote a rhyming poem and put it under a quartz crystal and a red rose under a full moon. Incense, candles. I put in a Call. The Universe answered.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
    #58315
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks Aiyana. How young a person is Aiyana ? You seem pretty senior in terms of advice you have offered so far 🙂

    When Aiyana is able to be just Aiyana, you will find someone who is right for you in every sense. When we are able to accept ourselves as we are, accepting anyone else becomes a breeze and then we do not need a list of criteria for falling in love. We meet a new bloke and if we hit off – we are our ourselves and we let them be themselves and if it works out, awesome. If it doesn’t , you have learnt something about both of you, which will come handy in the future relationships. There is no failure or success. Just beautiful lessons, which help us to become more US as time goes by.

    There is no prescription to finding the right guy or a perfect partner. However, the chances of finding a good partner are high when we are kind to ourselves and be US. Like attracts like and wah lah, all your criteria will be met automatically when you are able to be Aiyana in every sense (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually etc).

    Hope this helps. You are awesome as you are 🙂

    Jasmine

    #58317
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Ha Ha Inky, you are just so funny :). Thanks. We must be having a telepathy. Wrote the message at the same time. 636 pm lol

    #58318
    Inky
    Participant

    I know! LOL

    Ironically, being myself is writing prescriptions!!! LOLOL 😀

    #58328
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Inky, Jasmine, you guys are the best. I actually am happy staying single. I told my friend I would be open to dating though. To both of you, the advice you gave me is profound. Inky, I will do all of the things you suggested and write it down in one of my many notebooks (laughs). Same with you, Jasmine. I can tell that you’re both females. Jasmine is a girls name and you said bloke, which means you’re from Australia. Awesome. Inky, you said DH, which means darling husband. Women unite! My confidence is here once again. I’m remaining that way. Thank you, both, and live, laugh, love.

    #58329
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Oh and I’m in my 20s.

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