moonshadow,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and your daughter has a lot of rights. His actions are a form of abuse… consider referring her to a local abuse shelter or woman’s organization, they can often help. Also, family lawyers will usually give a consultation, answer questions, and help describe the legal picture. Local lawyers are often best, because they’ll know the landscape of your judicial district. Dont let him bully you.

*Hugs*, good luck.

With warmth,
Matt

Jessa,

It sounds to me like you’re caught up in your task list, racing against time to get everything done. Self care, in this way, becomes another task… “sheesh, so many tasks already, and now I have to self care, too?” No wonder you burn out! Where’s the peace? Where’s the space?

Consider taking a different approach to self care. Purposely set down the task list, in total, for the whole time you’re relaxing, letting go. “Yes, the task list is there, and I will get to that, but for now, for this present moment, I will let it all go and walk with unplanned steps.” Like a wide open field, just be with yourself in the empty space of the task list. Not “from 1-2 bath time, from 2-3 yoga, from 4-5 running”. Rather, “from 1-3, empty space, spontaneous, me time”. And when you get to that space, do something kind for yourself that you enjoy. Nice day? Maybe walk in a park. Rainy? Maybe hop in the tub and have a good cry. Let your heart open, listen to the inner voice that is beside the task master, the one that says “hmm, maybe I need…”

This let’s the happiness grow authentically, rather than “from 1-3 I will grow my happiness”. How exhausting that would be! And ineffective! Don’t place a task of self care on the list, put in a space to set down the list, be free. The happiness, recharging, comes more from the space than any specific self care action.

As far as the “when is my turn to be pampered by others”, consider that “not now, maybe later”. Much like in winter it is easier to accept there are no fresh fruit on our pear tree when we aren’t hungry, and rest contentedly waiting for the conditions to be right for the pears ripening and growing. The husband is away, for now, so the tender pampering from him will have to wait. As you make more space, it will be less like a hunger, and more like a kind remembering. “oh, its nice to be held like that, but for now the branches are bare, so I’ll just take care of my own needs.” This is actually an awesome lesson, because not only will it make you more resilient to stress, but it will keep your gratitude blossoming when the pears are ripe.

Namaste, sister, and thank you for choosing a path of helping others. What a heart on you!

With warmth,
Matt

TheAwakening,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand why your current dance might feel a little isolating. You come across as a little top heavy, or a lot of awareness of mind, but more trouble with feelings. Said differently, transactional interpretations make sense, in that the hunter inside us goes looking into the prairie for game, traps, favorable positions and so forth. Hunt, connect, digest, move on. But something seems missing, something is lacking that leaves a thirst. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Before we look at that, we have to approach your feeling of shame. Consider that you’re an ignorant bumpkis, a little baby fumbling and stumbling along. Just like the rest of us. We are born a nearly blank slate, save a few instincts and genetic code, but the rest we learn from our parents, teachers and peers. So, what you know, what you’ve done, who you’ve been… all part of your development, your learning. Much like a child calls the letter “A” by many names until they learn, we stumble around until we heal from our past and learn to grow something different. Your shame, your guilt doesn’t fit. It fits in the sense that it provides information, breaking attachments and whatnot, but they aren’t a needed component of learning. There is no reason to feel ashamed of your choices, dear friend, we all make a ton of errors.

As we become more aware of ourselves, we see more clearly how screwed up we are. One teacher said that beginning meditators often discover how truly unkempt their mind is, and say “I was never this crazy before!”… but its just the veil thins, and we can see more clearly what’s there. Emotionally, this is true too. These feelings of guilt and whatnot have been there, covered by the hunting, seeking, deciding, sorting. As you slow down that cycle, the painfulness in the bad choices kind of springs up, pokes its head out.

When the mind and heart are open and strong, these come in as painful, but leave as information. For instance, that one kid you beat up when you were in third grade… when you remember it now, it feels painful, as though you screwed up. If you, as a man, beat up a third grader, that would be a pretty big error. But you wouldn’t do that now, because you learned, grew away from that moment, evolved. The guilt ties into disbelief, as ” how could I have done that?!?” This is where the kid comes in. How could you know the letter “A” before you learned it? Mom or dad standing over you, being critical for you not knowing “A” yet, or adult TheAwakening standing over the child TheAwakening being critical for all the flubs and flubber in your previous moments. Garbage, unneeded. What you can do instead is grow a kind disposition for yourself… past, present and future.

Consider, you’re a good person or you wouldn’t be on this path. Your heart is what is pushing for all the growth, to figure out how to, and then grow, a loving garden inside. Said differently, the restlessness inside your body is pushing you to unravel this shit because it wants to be free, warm, connected, peaceful. Looking back into the past is a mixed blessing, because the body recoils from the painfulness “how could you do that to us?” and feels afflictive emotions. Its like a reminder… “Hot stove hurts”, “Not knowing “A” hurts”, “punching my friend hurts”. And so forth. If you’ve learned not to do that, there’s no need to dwell, no cause except habit.

To know the difference between cycling just because, and cycling for a lesson is a matter of creating a better space inside. Said differently, knowing what to examine and what to let go of requires inner stability. This grows when we set down the spears, the spyglass, the hunt… and sit, relax, open up, be peaceful. Perhaps get in a bathtub with candles, go for a walk in nature, listen to soft music… whatever it is that helps your body and mind relax, unwind, let go. Not “sit and contemplate who I am and what I’ve done”, rather “sit and let it all just be, just rest”.

My favorite is metta meditation. Consider searching YouTube for ” Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” if interested. Metta is the feeling of kind friendship in the chest, and as we cultivate that feeling, the mind becomes peaceful, smooth, open. Like a well cleared field that has space for growth, a peaceful mind makes things a lot easier on us. Not only are we able to rest with a curious puzzle such as “hmmm, not many friends, what is that about?” and see it from many angles, walk around the pattern, the phenomena with ease, with stability and so forth… but we also become free to just give, because we rest with an internal bounty that erodes any personal need. So, we’re free to share and dance without worrying that the transaction will be imbalanced, because we can sit, alone, and refuel to our heart’s content. They dont have to give back, because we remain nourished by our own friendliness, our own loving and kind intentions. This keeps our body and mind in balance, less dependent on favorable external conditions, and helps us not get so swept up into the mind that we overlook the beauty all around us.

Then, clouds pass, the sun comes out, and we wonder why it took us so long to find our happiness. A metta practice, even once a day for a week, may provide very tangible differences in what you’re seeing. Instead of “what can we exchange here”, it becomes “what can i give here”, and the exchange part takes care of itself. Kindness and space out, kindness and space in.

Namaste, friend, may your dance flow toward a balance of mind and heart. The rest works itself out. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Sadhu, sadhu, sadhu. It is well, it is well, it is well.

Em J,

It is difficult because of all of the fantasy. John’s attachment to the forms as “10 years” of work is limiting to John. Releasing that attachment wouldnt look like “let Kevin’s forms stand”, rather ” forms or no forms, what is the kind choice in this moment?” It has nothing to do with John, the fact that John made forms, the fact that Kevin made forms, or Kevin. Rather, what is skillful, what is unskillful. What do the new forms provide that bring freshness and value, and what do the old forms have that provide time tested reliability? What need did Kevin see that caused him to challenge the status quo? If Kevin met those needs unskillfully, how can it be made skillful? How can John incorporate the freshness while not giving “messy forms” to the boss? And so forth. John’s attachment may prevent him from skillfully seperating the wheat from the chaff, discount Kevin’s valuable point of view, and become motivated by self preservation, self grasping and so forth.

Said differently, if the goal remains “creating the bestest of forms”, then John and his insecurity about being replaced/undervalued, or Kevin and his insecurity of not being capable/valued, erode naturally as both of them work together to create, recreate, or revert the forms. Perhaps John’s aim could be to help Kevin find a way to make less messy forms, or keep his attentions where they are needed, rather than reinventing the wheel to be heard, and so forth.

The real question is whether or not John would be able to see innovations in the forms if they are there… or if his mind would be too cloudy from attachments. Seeing only mess and threat and invalidation… his eyes passing over wisdom because of a ” full cup”.

With warmth,
Matt

Luap,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how isolating the journey can feel sometimes. Sometimes when we’re raised in an environment where we’re unheard unless we scream, we’re left with some unhelpful patterns. Consider that perhaps the problem you face is the acceptance and expression of your needs and desires. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path toward freedom. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

There is nothing wrong with wishing to be heard and seen… to have your needs seen, considered, comforted, and fulfilled. Sometimes we give ourselves to others a lot, trying to be spacious and helpful, attentive toward our friends and family. But when it comes time for their tender attentions to be focused on us, something fizzles. And then, eventually, resentment and distance start coming up, perhaps some fiery barbs tossed back and forth, and then before we know it, kablammo! Intimacy, friendship, connection, gone.

It might seem like an endless cycle, as though people are just “this way” and finding loving, giving people is difficult. This is false. Instead, consider that sometimes we don’t express our needs until they are bursting, until we are so hungry, that when someone denies us food it is enraging… personal, with resentment and aggression. The problem here is all the pressure, all the built up momentum, the hunger.

Going back, consider for a moment how corruptive the home life was. Some of our desires blossom with confusion, such as “I don’t know exactly what I want, but I think I need some kind of hug, food, warmth, connection.” If your parents were too busy, not good listeners, or too involved in their own pain, they didn’t sit down with you and help you figure it out. Instead, the feeling just grew and grew. Finally, when it was understood, loud, demanding, it had enough heat, fire behind it to blaze through their barriers and be heard. Then, maybe, some food or whatnot would be tossed at you.

So here and now, consider this replays with others. People are busy, caught up, and enthralled by their own stories quite often. Even the best hearts might not take the time to look at you closely, to try to hear the needs you keep hidden. And there you are, just wanting some.connection, feeling special just being included. So perhaps you eat where they want to eat, talk about what they want to talk about, and so forth. At first, its fine… the newness and exploration overshadows the unmet needs. However, as time goes on, you end up being the sidekick, rather than the hero. When you get fed up with this, perhaps you start trying to explain your side, get some resolution on your desires being unmet, perhaps try to find some validation that you’ve been wronged. That doesn’t really fix it, though, because they’re not the issue.

The issue is perhaps that as the desires come up, you trade them away for fear that you’ll be denied. Like, even if you dislike brussel sprouts, its better than starving. Even if you hate that director, seeing one of his movies because the beau wants to is better than threatening the relationship. Over time, when we do this, we end up blaming to other for all the bad movies we watch, all the meals we hate. How dare they!

Now, here’s the thing. Sometimes people are genuinely selfish, self centered… some pain or whatever keeps their eyes turned inward. However, often people are caring, giving, and open to be the big spoon for you, but you wait far too long to express it. So, when you do express it, perhaps its more like “hey, why the hell don’t you ever give me hugs? Why do I always have to be the one to hug you?” instead of “hey, could I have a hug?” When you launch fire at a sensitive being, one that would love to give you a hug, its painful. Its tough to see someone we care for berate us, tell us we have been neglectful. It sets up a lose lose, such as connectingneith others that will be selfish, insensitive, and therefore unavailable to give back, or the fire you launch at others blazes away the tender shoots of connection that were growing, and the union turns to ash.

The path out of this cyclical maze is twofold. First, we have to make ourselves our own first citizen. Alone, we turn toward self nurturing activities. Hop in a bath with candles, walk alone in nature, breathe in the ocean… we take a stand, open up our own peaceful spirit and give her space to grow. Much like a chef eats before doing his job, so his pallet is more stable, less influenced by his own hunger… when we self nurture, come a peaceful balance inside our own body, when we connect with others we have less desire, less need. So we can be patient, and follow our own heart. This makes seeing the movie or eating the undesired meal a simple compromise, to do or not do if we want to. Then, (secondly) next time we eat where we want to eat, and if they refuse, they refuse. Not about us, not hungry for their participation, just inviting it. This tempers the fire, releases the pressure. Said differently, if you take turns following desires, such as you pick date 2,4,6,8 and he picks date 1,3,5,7 etc, then the dance becomes mutually fulfilling. Perhaps he will love date 4, and you love date 7… so you two find more and more harmony, common ground. If he picks them all, not only do you not get a say, but he doesn’t really get to know you, your desires, your hopes and dreams. His loss, because what your tender heart has to say and wishes to do will bring many blessings to a partner open enough to hear you.

Finally, consider spending time forgiving others for their actions. We become selfish, unresponsive, delusional and on and on. We’re still good people, just have difficulty sustaining our inner light. Your parents, for instance, for all their whip and wither, were still children that grew up in difficult situations, giving them scars and patterns of their own. As we forgive them, we receive freedom from our emotions being controlled by them. Slowly, over time, resentment erodes and we find acceptance that they are simply who they are, light, love, anger, scars… perfectly imperfect bumbling fools just.like you and me. Then, we kiss them, and let them go, move on. “OK, that convo with my mom felt familiar and invalidating. Oh well. So, whats next? Perhaps I’ll go for a walk, and dance along the sand.”

Namaste, dear sister, may your fire temper into a warm glow.

With warmth,
Matt

Pink Salmon,

Wow. I’m awed by how quickly you produced your puzzle, this energy knot that holding you back. Consider how alert you are to the pain, how much self understanding can blossom here, is coming together here. Consider that when you were a teen, you were tossed suddenly headfirst into isolation and shame in the outgroup. What the hell, right? Those fuckers were bonding over our pain, laughing at our suffering and isolation. Then, reboot, and She. Whew, what a relief to have a sexy, beautiful companion. Connection, status, something else to do, sex. Muuuuch better.

But here you are, still stuck in a similar situation. Out there is the mess, the ingroup all flowing along, connecting… and to jump back in, without her, without the security. Why… its a jump into the void. Holy shit, no wonder its scary. What if its highschool all over again? Could you really divorce her, grow something only for you? Flashbacks make sense, its the same fear.

Now, as to that, you’re sure about divorce? Common ground completely eroded? Consider that she might be just as in the muck as you, firing off blasts of goop at you because she is full to bursting with uncomfortable emotions (often suppressed sexual desire, ironically enough). Can you see the girl in her? If you rest, look deeply at her, can you see, feel the life of the union? If you could sing that playful girl back to life, would you want to? Would she? That’s between you and your heart, with no right answer.

Now, for this whole “holy shit, the unknown, can I really do it alone?” Consider for a moment what happened the first time. In middle school, you were a dumb kid. And it sucked, a lot. Its tough for a whole lot of people. I did OK most of the time as a kind of doppelganger, but my best friend got it pretty bad. Sadly, I was too scared to stand up for him unless it got really bad. Sigh, dumb kids, you, me, them, and most of us carry old regrets.

However, consider the second time, when you rebooted at college. A fresh start, down the rabbit hole, feeling scared, alone, but hopeful. So it was OK. You jumped in, found your groove, started feeling better, more confident. And then shazam, a beautiful woman. She was so brilliant, (the latch) that you focused on her, building with her, playing with her, reaching to her for assurances, consolation, entertainment etc. Sometimes when we dive into a romance without balance (time together, time alone, groove, our groove etc) we form that dependence that kills to union eventually. Instead, had you continued on with the habits and actions you were doing, and balanced her into it, you two could have grown together, but independently… with separate esteem. No time machines, though, but at least it went way better than the first cycle. You learned a lot, know a lot more about what you like and don’t.

So, two points make a line, perhaps third times a charm? Consider, you could do anything. Rejection, failure, awkwardness… you’ve done that before, worked through it. This time around, courage will regrow much faster, because its the only path that makes sense. Do you think that feeling uncomfortable while you have a “talk” about where you are in the relationship is really worse than pressing your face against a cheese grater for another dozen years? Yeah. So, perhaps its not a matter of if, but when, and when is always now.

But consider, inside you there is that college kid, too. Exploring, dancing. The college girl is in her too. If you don’t want to try to rekindle, at least be respectful. Consider doing some metta before deciding, it is remarkable how kindness can help us see a hurting friend, rather than a wicked judge. If you can see a hurting friend, then connecting may be as simple as remembering how you wooed her before. She might just miss being seen, etc etc. But, if/when the time comes, try not to be acusitory. “I’m not happy, I have to figure me out, something is not working”.

Finally, I know the unknown can be scary. And, it takes courage to jump. However, freedom is the reward, and now that you’ve evolved, seen yourself, felt the unmet desires, perhaps you know what you want. So, the courage to jump seems like it would be easy to muster. Just keep your eyes open, and don’t sacrifice your momentum if you meet another pretty smile. Keep at your hobbies and passions, find balance and so forth.

Namaste, brother, may your courage to grow match the courage you show here.

With warmth,
Matt

Pink Salmon,

I’m sorry for your suffering, brother, and understand how empty the future looks when our hope has gone out. Sometimes when we’ve put all our eggs in one basket, and that basket ends up being abusive, we develop a strong thirst. Much like a wanderer in a desert seeks water desperately, so do we look for warmth when a relationship is cold. Its stupid to pretend we are not thirsty, dumb to call the thirst bad, wrong to blame ourselves for such need. Said differently, between your body’s desire for sexual contact, closeness, authenntic connection, there are a whole bundle of feelings, that are normal, natural, and healthy. And yet, because you get your sense of self value from her, and she tells you critical things (directly or covertly) you feel ashamed of the man you are. Dont despair, for your path is not a dead end, and there is always a branch we can take that leads our joy to blossom.

There are a couple of key ideas that you’ll perhaps have to explore in order to find your freedom. The first is this whole feeling of shame surrounding sex. Wanting to have sex, thinking about sex, fantasies about sex, about body parts grinding together, infidelity and so forth are all perfectly normal. We’re all programmed with a deep yearning, dont be ashamed of your desire. And, when we have been sexually suppressed, often our tastes shift and grow away from the heart into the extreme. Porn, for instance, is a pale substitute that often leads us to find more sparkly, more unusual, more this, more that. Its like candy, some flashy popping, but little nourishment. So it snowballs into all. sorts of exploration, looking for the sensual “fix”. Theres a neat TED talk about sex and pornography out there that i’m sure you could find if interested.

Our yearning is simpler to manage when there is a partner to dance with, who enjoys regular intervals of sexual contact and release. But when we dont, our sexual potential grows and we begin to experience crisis. The balloon fills, the honeypot tops off, and thoughts of sex become very alluring, very calling. And right alongside it, for some, there is also shame. Perhaps for the first moments, hours, weeks, months or years, our sexual desire remains focused on our partner. As time goes on, our patience erodes, and others start looking better and better. All normal, all usual… but we made a promise, a vow. And yet, our body “schwings” when curves and valleys catch our minds eye. Ahhhhh!

Consider that trying to be a good boy is where you went astray, the path away from the center of your heart, your joy. At some point in your past (perhaps mom, from your description, maybe a middle child with an older, abusive sibling or whatnot) someone convinced you that you were broken, flawed. “dont trust yourself, only trust me…” or some such bullshit. This was abusive, detrimental to your sense of self value, and now is a good time to heal it. Said differently, when we dont trust that we’re ok, wise fools bumbling along, doing our best, then we learn really slow. We take in a lesson, but have to check it with the “trusted one” or “the light source”. So we end up learning a pale reflection of our lesson, tainted by the other’s hang ups and views.

For instance, perhaps you’ve been looking to your wife for what is safe, sexually or otherwise. And, because she is critical and a fault finder, instead of tender care, you get terse rebukes. No wonder your heart feels heavy, no wonder you feel like crap. Consider for a moment if you wanted to try some new kind of sex experience, like oral, anal, a threeway or whatever. You submit your desire to your partner, and her response is like “what is wrong with you, sicko?!” This is her error, and yours in taking it in. The initial desire is neither sick or wrong, your wife reflected back shame, and as you took in your “trusted one’s” assessment, you formed a false self view. As though your sexual desires, your sexual identity is flawed. Wrong, false, MU! Desires just are what they are. If you want to wear skirts, normal, usual, lovable. Sex with men, sex often, sex rarely, wanting more than one partner, roleplaying, anything. All normal, all usual, all lovable.

Shame is such a difficult weave to untangle, though, because its a feeling of unease with ourselves. And worse, it sets us on a cycle of trying to prove we’re lovable… which only hurts more when our trusted one is abusive, grinding our accomplishments or claiming them for their own.

The solution for this is actually pretty simple. Its time to throw your hands in the air, accept you have no idea what the heck youre doing or what is going on, and surrender with humility to who you are and where you are. Your wife doesnt know how to find balance and joy, neither do you. Her sex drive is perhaps shut down, and you struggle like crazy trying to shut yours down with little succees. Said differently, consider that you have a huge burden on your shoulders from years of abuse and self neglect. When it gets too heavy, we can choose to set it down. Thats when we can stop, take a look around, and start growing a new path for ourselves.

Of course, that doesnt actually get you there, it just starts the path toward freedom from who you’ve been. The path actually starts growing well when you begin to notice your thoughts and feelings, and how they seem to take up space inside us, but are actually empty. Said differently, consider for a moment how mean your mind is to you. It tells you all sorts of crappy things about who you are, what youve done, blaming you for failures and mistakes. This isnt just “how it goes”, rather, this is a bad habit your. mind is in. To break that habit, consider starting to take better care of yourself through self nurturing. Brother, there have been many times when you’ve needed help, a warm heart to turn to, gentle arms to hold you, and you didnt get it. You got something icky instead, or “love with a hook in it” such as arms that hug you only when youre doing well, doing the things they like, being the person they want you to be. Ouch!

You deserve better than that, friend. Your heart wants tenderness, soft attention, and because of where you are right now, you’ll have to do it yourself. Words only take us so far, thoughts only take us so far. Its time to take a stand, and do loving things for yourself. Pick up a hobby that you enjoy, for instance, and dont share it with her. Hop in the tub, light some candles, put on some soft music, and uninvite her from the space with you. Perhaps go for a day trip somewhere, and dont tell anyone where youre going. Just you, yourself, on a journey of discovery. As you show your mindnand body through loving actions, actions that put space around you, slowly, over time, we learn to love ourselves. Then we learn really fast what the difference is between a loving and abusive touch.

My favorite self nurturing action is metta meditation. Consider that the majority of your issue is actually the tangled hive of brambles and thorns spinning around your head. Self blame, self criticism, old spinning cycles of muck and filth, etc. Metta helps slow and stop those cycles by opening the space around our thoughts, so we’re not just pinballing around our brain. Consider “sharon salzburg guided metta meditation” on youtube if interested. If you’re serious about getting well, and want to reclaim the light that once glowed bright in your heart, then consider perhaps twice a day for a few weeks, then once a day. Its not that metta is a cure all, or it will make the difficulties go away, but it will help greatly in reducing the habitual addictive quality to your uglier thoughts (for yourself and others, shame, resentment etc) which make untangling the rest much more like a puzzle to work out than a disaster to recover from.

For the record, I was married with a woman that was not compatible, and went through something similar to the dark night you’re going through. My just punishment, only the wife would possibly love me, feeling like a pervert. Blah blah, bullpucky. It took a few years, but I got divorced, did some self exploration, and then remarried… and am now blissfully happy. We still get in spats and whatnot, but the ground my wife and I return to is deep, rich, and satisfying. Dont give up hope, because its never too late if you really want it. Consider, there are many women that would love you as is, sex drive and all. Or, if you and your wife get some counseling, you may find that she opens up a little more after hearing a doctor say sex is good, fun, playful, safe, etc and starts sharing more of what gets her river flowing. Stranger things have happened!

Finally, consider that you’ve had a lot of time being in one way, and it will take time to grow a new one. So be patient with yourself, gentle. I know its tough when we are in pain, but just breathe, try to endure with peace. It will untangle with time and effort, it always does when we aim our will skillfully.

Namaste, brother, may you discover just how beautiful you are.

With warmth,
Matt