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MattParticipantPriscilla,
It makes sense that “I’m just more enlightened” is of little benefit, what does that even mean? Consider that these moments stick with us until we find compassion, make space, offer our forgiveness. Said differently, when you think about the people on the train, perhpas you sense or project some kind of injury, injustice, and then your body starts getting worked up to conquer the challenge. Instead, what we can do is forgive and let go. “For whatever reasons you didn’t stand for the lady, I forgive you. For whatever reason you didn’t just ask him, and instead were passive, I forgive you. May we three be healed of whatever afflictions remain from that moment, may we be done.”
Then, often what will happen is we will see how the moment is not injustice, it is perfectly balanced. His sitting had a reason, his impoliteness had a cause. Her acting passive aggressive has a cause, her feeling like she deserved the seat more than he did has a cause. Your agitation has a cause, your uncomfortable feelings have a cause. As we forgive, open our compassion, and let go, the moments trouble us less and less… because the moments unfold like they do for a reason. Then, eventually, we can see that we’re all like kids bumping up against each other on a complex playground, and darn tootin’ there is a lot of confusion, toe stepping, awkwardness and so forth. Nothing to be afraid of, nothing to get worked up over, just trying, bumping, learning, and growing.
In short, consider accepting people as they are, even when they act in a way that displeases you, that you find “appalling”… don’t cling and punish etc. Like when my daughter picks her nose and eats it (she’s 4), I don’t spank her or get mad at her. “Eww, gross sweetie” and move on… kids being kids.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantDan,
I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how much pressure can build inside us. Sometimes when we feel powerless, helpless, we grasp onto anger, resentment and violence as a means of trying to regain our power, our strength. This a poor choice, however, because more violence is done to ourselves, and we expend our power in the fiery chaos of hatred. Buddha taught that anger was like a hot coal we grab onto with the intention of throwing it at someone, but the hand that actually burns is our own. Said differently, imagining punching her dad or cousin, cutting off some guys penis, or any number of horrible violent wishes you make only increases your pain.
Chogyam Trungpa called your cycle “negative negativity”. Basically, sometimes our pain becomes so intense that we feel our anger is justified, so we cling to it. Instead of seeing how the violence we imagine hurts us, harms our tender heart and mind, we hold tight to it, as though it protects us, as though it belongs there. For instance, “she had sex with a man while pregnant with my son” seems to produce an overwhelming need to beat someone up, cut and maim someone. But, that type of blossom is not inherent, it doesn’t have to be there. Its ugly in its arising, ugly in its staying, and ugly on its leaving. Said differently, when you become enraged, it hurts your mind and heart even if you don’t act on it, but even more so if you did. If you went and cut off that mans penis, what would really happen? Would it make anything better? Would it heal your tender heart? Would it solve your fear of being unimportant and ignored? Nope. It would become just one more cause of your suffering, one more thorn in your foot.
The solution is to cut it out. Murder that anger, destroy it, throw all your weight and strength against it and grind it into the dust. Its a shit-caked downward spiral, and to pull out of it requires strength. Much like in old aircraft, pilots sometimes would hurt their arms from the exertion of trying to pull out of a nose dive, so must we crash our will against our negative negativity.
If I were in her shoes, I would not have been as kind to you. Had you approached me with the venom in your heart, threats of violence and aggression (plus god knows what else you have said and done not reported here), you would not be welcome in my or my child’s life. If you went to the courts, I would of course submit to the greater will, but only what was required of me. That would be my right, my responsibility to protect our child from you and your venom. If you could cut off some balls or kill my father, what horror might you inflict upon our child? What kind of demon are you? My fear would be rational, my boundaries protective and appropriate. You act as though I would have done this to you, placed this anger inside your chest, but that’s not going to cut it, not going to work on me. You own your own feelings, and I owe you nothing. Nothing! Sure, perhaps I could be kinder, more understanding of your side, but let’s face it… we dont lean into a rampaging bull to give it a kiss.
So there you sit, throwing a temper tantrum like a little boy with grown up muscles, ideas and plans, but a child nonetheless. You see some people building a sandcastle that they don’t want you to play with, and your gut flashing rage is to go kick it over, teach them not to mess with you, not to ignore you. Instead of building your own sandcastle, you sit and stew in bitterness, and wish theirs would burn, erode… that they feel the same hurt you feel. Then what an incredible amount of creativity comes up of just how you could bring suffering to them, punish them, destroy them.
Ick. Really ick. Look at it, sure, breathe it in, and then blow that shit out, son. It ain’t the way. Consider a different approach.
Consider that a Buddha, someone with no self grasping, no pushy desires were to experience her and her choices, they would see something very different. They would see the girl, scared and lost, looking for safety. Reaching out unskillfully sometimes, but still a sister that cycles through emotions just like everyone else. After the delivery, a Buddha would have deep compassion for her and her child. Its scary to be a parent, especially when the dad is violent or abusive. Its difficult to give birth, ten centimeters doesn’t seem like all that much, until its getting pushed out your cervix and vagina. Tearing, cutting, stretching, pushing, weeping, screaming… hours and hours that girl’s body thrashed and moaned. (Or, her abdomen was sliced open with knives). In the spaciousness of compassion, a Buddha would be supportive, helpful. Not “do this or that, be this or that, how could you do this or that”… just “be peaceful, rest, sleep… your body just went through a big thing, try to rest, relax”.
In contrast, what did Dan have? “Oh my freaking god, she waited 8 hours? I’m less important than Facebook?” Where the understanding? Wheres the caring? Why so selfish? Said differently, when we can see what a compassionate response actually looks like, we can begin to actually heal, actually begin to relate to what is going on with us, what our pain is that makes us selfish. At the birth, for instance, perhaps you feel like because you donated the genetic material, you should have been called first. But you aren’t a part of her life, not really… so it makes sense that shed share it with her loved ones first. Be glad she told you after only 5 months, some fathers don’t hear for years. I actually found out about a niece I have a few months ago (her mom cheated on her husband with my brother) and she just turned 7. So for 6 years, nothing. And you get all twisted up over 8 hours? Get some perspective, man!
Finally, consider trying to set aside the puzzle of forgiveness for a little while and switch to self nurturing. Be kind to yourself, gentle to yourself. Perhaps get some therapy. Spend time sitting and intentionally relaxing in a quiet, soft space. A bathtub, soft music, nature walk, meditation cushion. Thus fiery anger comes from stress, and letting the stress settle can make things much, much simpler. My favorite is metta meditation, which is simple, direct, and often like a soothing cool glass of water for our angry fire. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested.
I hope you find peace and contentment, friend, and I hope nothing stung too badly. When we break a bone and it heals wrong, we often have to rebreak it to set it right. The pain here is just that, just try to breathe it out, scream it out, or whatever you need to do, but let the pattern of negativity go. It harms you far more than she has, than anyone else could… and you don’t need it.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantRay,
Sometimes when we’ve been hurt intimately, we lose trust for others and ourselves. How can you be sure, for instance, that you won’t fall into the same pattern again? Then, there’s our sex drive, which as it gets running makes women shinier and shinier… almost pitting our heart against our wand. Whew!
Consider that self nurturing is a key to building a core of inner strength. Taking time each day to meditate, exercise, paint, write, hop in the bathtub, listen to soft music, or whatever helps our body relax and unwind builds an emotional strength that makes the chaos of our “procreative shindig” less difficult. Said differently, if we take the time to self nurture, then we don’t reach out from loneliness or horniness (or as often). This let’s us use our brakes when we need them. For instance, after a first date, if the mind starts racing with thoughts of where it might go (or more likely, how what you have said might have been misinterpreted/judged as dorky)… we don’t get “sucked in” and instead see “racing mind”. Or, if she wore a boob shirt and her cleavage is sparkling, its “ahh, sexual desire” rather than “she is the answer to my need”. This very naturally gives us a lot of control over how deep we dive in… and love becomes much more like a flower we blossom as we feed it, than a rocket ship that once ignited is heading out of the atmosphere.
Finally, that trust won’t really blossom in a vacuum. You can prepare for it through nuturance and self compassion, reading and so forth, but its only in the actual dance of it that we find our rhythm, develop self trust. Sometimes, even though its scary, you have to just get your butt of the seat and jump in. 🙂 Try to remember to have fun along the way, it is a dance after all. Namaste, brother.
With warmth,
MattFebruary 25, 2014 at 2:31 pm in reply to: Having a hard time with moviation in "finding myself" #51746MattParticipantSydney,
There might be some residual fear that remains louder than your motivation. However, its often just basic laziness, which is held within us as a delusion. Said differently, laziness is the false notion that “not doing” is more peaceful, restful than “doing”. However, when we have desires we don’t act on, we often feel cruddy, tired, suppressed as an individual. This tires us far more than the fears or regrets or effort. When we just listen to the inner voice and follow the inspiration, its actually far more restful, peaceful. Not only do we begin to see the results we’ve been wanting, but we also stay much more balanced.
If you can see that, the only thing left is to jump! Said differently, once we can see how it feels better to act on our inspiration, it becomes a no brainer and we just jump in. Or, like I mentioned at the start, there may be some fear that makes our path cloudy. If that’s the case, sitting with the fear, making space for it, and breathing it out can help us find our courage.
Also, figuring out “who we are” doesn’t usually work. We’re growing all the time, and our body and desires are very dynamic. Instead of finding “who is Sydney”, consider “what does Sydney need?” Sometimes when we feel disconnected from who we are, its because we’ve been stressed and have stepped away from self nurturing activities.
Finally, sometimes “laziness” is actually a “tiger in the woods” symptom. When we are far from home, from our safe community, from like minded people, trusted people… we can lose inspiration/momentum. If you’re feeling “all alone” or “lost”, consider reconnecting with your roots, sangha, trusted loved ones, or whomever.
Namaste, dear friend, may you find a little pep in your step.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantJo,
I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand the confusion at seeing the pieces, but being unable to fit them together. Consider that you have most of it put together already, in that you’ve become more aware. That’s great! Of course, when we feel like we’re stuck its a pretty cruddy feeling… but that can be overcome with time, patience, and courage. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Consider that these patterns are held together by habit… sometimes called habitual cycles, but they aren’t inherent or even all that potent. They’re like paper tigers, thin veils that look scary before we approach one. However, once we turn toward it, breathe it in, make space for it, and breathe it out, it evaporates little by little. Sometimes in big chunks, but usually like a river erodes a mountain.
In practical terms, it depends what the pattern is. For instance, perhaps your dad acted critical and angry, so he blasted you with powerful emotions when you made mistakes. The pattern that might blossom from such a seed could be a fear of trying new things, fear of not being good enough, shame or panic at our errors and so forth. We see the fears, perhaps, but its tough to simply “not be afraid”….we just end up trying to wrestle a bull. Or, we try to breathe with it, and feel like a little kid holding a really big kite in a strong wind. So much struggle quickly expends our light, our concentration.
Instead, when we’re on the cushion, we can approach the girl Jo that lives within our awareness, breathe in that moment with her, see her confusion and pain, and give her a gentle hug. As we breathe out, we can talk to her, sing to her about how she is loved. How its not her fault her dad did such things, and that she’ll be OK. As we make space in this way, sit with her, we can see how natural the pattern is, how normal, how it just is what it is. Dad was doing his best with the pieces he had, and deserves our compassion. We know how sticky patterns can be, so have deep understanding for Dad and his unskillful blerting. And for Jo, of course she would become scared, jolted in such ways… just for being a kid. Making inevitable countless mistakes as she stumbles along her path like the rest of us… and then being blasted for them as well. Whew! Maybe one more hug to her. 🙂
This is one way of growing self compassion, or making space for our suffering to settle. As we sit alongside the younger, more ignorant, more vulnerable and confused version of ourselves, breathe and make space, let ourselves give love to all involved, the pattern breaks free, erodes. Of course, it doesn’t help if you’re just getting swamped with emotion, or getting angry or whatnot. If that happens, just switch back to the breath, let your body rest, perhaps picture an open field with the emotions scattering like butterflies, lots of room for them to fly home.
For the depression, or feeling of heaviness, consider switching to metta meditation for awhile. It doesn’t help that much to have a deep vision of our patterns if we don’t have much of our light glowing. It makes the paper tigers far more convincing, more permanent, looming. When we do metta meditation, we bolster that inner light, making our mind smooth, peaceful and rested. Then, we can choose to unpack what we wish, rather than bopping around aimlessly, overwhelemed. Buddha taught that metta grows concentration quickly, which is how we find our aim. Consider “Sharon Salzburg metta meditation” on YouTube if interested.
Finally, Rome wasn’t built in a day, and Jo ain’t gonna erode her habits overnight. Go slow, patiently, let your confidence build, your roots grow thick. Many of the “problems” or “patterns” will just go away on their own as you rekindle your inner light. There’s no need to rest in the swamp, ruminate on old habits and so forth. As we go about our daily do, what we need will blossom in front of us. The more we can accept that, the freer we become. Said differently, the less time we spend regretting the past or fearing the future, the more space we have for inspiration to come and resolve the problem in front of us. If we can’t on our own, then we find the tools that do (asking questions, synchronicity, serendipity) along the way.
Namaste, Jo-Buddha, may you find contentment and curiosity.
With warmth,
MattFebruary 24, 2014 at 12:11 pm in reply to: break up again – (decisions post from a while backcontinued) #51652MattParticipantBarbs,
That’s great, and I’m sending happy thoughts and warmth your way. 🙂 Sometimes we naturally get sucked into “what ifs”… but those fantasies decrease our light, because they expend our precious strength and hope. Perhaps spending your tender hope on a free, strong, happy, and independent Barbs would be a better investment.
Maybe you could try packing up his things… it could be quite cathartic. Why leave him in your space? He doesn’t want to be there, and has proven that plenty of times already. Perhaps your foot on his butt as he’s leaving would put a little pep back in your step. Playing the “beggar barbs” is way less fun than “angel barbs”. But its your canvas, dear sister! 🙂
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantAnyone,
Just about anything and everything is normal when it comes to intimacy. It doesn’t sound healthy, necessarily, and sounds more like “confused about what she wants” than “this is just normal for her”. Consider that perhaps you give too much power to her, such as letting her define what the relationship with you looks like. The question that is perhaps far more interesting is “Are you in love with her?” How do you feel? How she feels and acts is not nearly as important, she may flip flop between you and men and women… but for you, where’s the confusion? Are you still wanting to be with her? When she says “I miss you”, why does it draw you in? Does it?
For me, I would not be satisfied, content or feel safe in an intimacy where my partner wanted to bump loins with others. Just not my style or preference. We’re all different though, so what is it you want?
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantDon,
Sometimes when we begin a meditation practice, we begin to see and feel just how unkempt our mind really is. This can be disroienting, scary, and produce a feeling of panic. Its fine, normal, and usual, and just breathing slowly helps it fade. After all, its just a feeling, just some chemicals in the body, and fades within a few minutes usually. The next morning when you were feeling weird, “calling up the same feeling” was perhaps unskillful. Much like if we burn our hand on a stove, the next day our hand feels weird, but we don’t go to the stove again for another round of sensations.
Consider looking into a local sangha for some help with meditation, there are often low cost or free classes, plus others with experience in working with the mind in that way. Buddha taught that the sangha was one of the pillars of development, much like one of the legs of a three legged stool. This doesn’t mean you have to go find a Buddhist temple, but it does help to have a community that you connect with, can rely on, and bounce ideas off of. Tinybuddha does a little of that, but if you’re peeling away layers of your mind, it may help a lot to connect more directly with like minded people.
Finally, consider spending a little time doing metta meditation. Peeling back layers can be disorienting if you’re not also helping the mind become more smooth. When we spend time wishing for happiness for ourselves and others (the root of metta practice), the mind becomes more peaceful. This helps a lot when we are doing breath meditation, because the ripples in the mind become less distracting, less potent, and relax. Much like a hot tub can increase the blood flow to our muscles, so when we are on the massage table, the knots work out with less trouble, less pain… metta helps the space open up in the mind, so the ripples settle without panic.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantLotus,
I’m sorry for your suffering, dear friend, and hope you find your light rekindled soon. Consider that you’re in a very fertile time, and have the potential to turn all of this stress into joy. But how? That’s always the tricky bit, no? A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Consider that when we use “spiritual” ideas to define ourselves, we miss their point. Said differently, being a “hippy chick” and being regarded as spiritual, wise and joyful is not as nourishing as simply being happy. What happens is as we become burdened with stress, the “hippy” collapses and we realize that we’re the same schmuck we’ve always been. Then, we try to find that hippy inside us again, but where is she? She is lost! Then we feel despair, because a part of ourselves seems gone, missing.
The good news is that we can drop the whole of that cycle. It isn’t in the past, it isn’t in being a “happy person” that we find our joy, our song. Instead, it is through the day to day events, that slowly, patiently we grow our joy and contentment. We sit and play with our kids, putting aside the big questions. We mindfully chew our food, putting aside the quest to find the hippy again. Slowly, with each passing decision, each choice to fill the needs of oursevles and our loved ones, the schmuck evolves into an angel, our light rekindles, and we feel better.
To help this along, consider spending some time doing loving kindness meditation. One of the components that the “hippy” had that you are low on is personal light. This very naturally becomes snuffed out or shrouded by stressful event. Starting a metta (loving kindness) practice will help your mind become smooth, peaceful and rested. From there, the other events (work, fiancé, kids, parents) will be simpler, easier to make space for, without getting sucked in. For instance, imagine you were playing a game with the kids, and your dad calls to tell you that you’re a bitch for some reason or another. From a space of metta, his words remain about him, and are “interesting, he called me names, he must be in some kind of pain to lash like that, well, that’s his karma, his baggage”. And then, you could get back to the game without being troubled. Without that metta light, it may be “how dare you say those things to me!” and as you hang up on him, the game is ruined, and your anger and resentment prevent you from smiling with the kids, having fun. It isn’t a matter of forcing yourself to act or feel things, its about opening the space, so you have strength, resilience, and patience. Consider searching YouTube for “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” if interested.
Finally, consider that sometimes we are our own worst enemy. Yes, there is bitterness and anger. That happens. However, we don’t need bitterness that we are angry, or anger that we have bitterness. We just have what we have, and letting go, growing a different way takes time, deep patience for what we do really have. It isn’t “not being angry” that grows our joy, its “patiently sitting with our anger” that does it. Consider that you are lovable, and deserving of tender attention, even (and especially) when full of painful emotions. So when we are angry, we let it be. We try to care for our anger like we would care for our fearful child. We put our arms around Lotus, tell her that we know how painful anger is, how fiery… and as we hug her, we feel that anger unknot, unwind, settle. We don’t tell her to clamp her mouth shut, keep it in, bottle it up, be ashamed of her powerful feelings. We try to help her let go of the anger with nonviolence, with nurturing, with caring.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantBenny,
To me it seems like you are in a loop. She has asked for space, and consider that you aren’t really giving it. In your head and heart, perhaps you are still pushing what you want, how you see it, who she is, and so forth. Said differently, your energy seems to be still trying to draw her toward you, toward the life you wish you have (and you tell yourself she wants it too). Stop it! She has told you she is confused, so stop defining her! Not just to her face, but try to shake free from your internal habit of defining who she is and where her path of joy will/should take her.
We can’t help others if we remain stuck in our own view. Said differently, our dreams, memories and desires can easily interfere with our ability to see from the other person’s side of thing, their point of view. Instead, we assume we know them, define their feelings for them, and we become mutually confused.
From a different angle, consider that your message reads like “I don’t want to give her space!” pretty much the whole way through. Benny, I know it hurts to see someone you’ve had great times with step away, and your desires are understandable, normal. Consider for a moment: “wrap her in my arms” on your side may feel warm, romantic. On hers, smothering, controlling. You even say you know what she really wants! This “I know her better than she knows herself” stuff is pretty manipulative (unintentionally, you clearly have a good heart).
If we were to approach this from a more clearly defined set of boundaries: If she said she didn’t want to have sex, but you said you knew her desires better than her and so attempted to have sex with her anyway… perhaps your heart in recoil can see more clearly what “giving space” means. Sure, perhaps you wouldn’t say “yes, you really do want sex with me, stop saying no”. But romantically, you are saying “deep down you really do want to be with me, how do I get you to stop saying no?” Its the same invasivness, just in a different aspect. Give her space, Benny, yes it will be painful. Stop being so afraid of the emotional pain, perhaps afraid enough that you are in denial, and walk through the heartbreak and grief. Otherwise, you won’t start letting her go. If you love her as much as you claim, then allowing your heartbreak honors what you two share. Right now, it sounds more like you love your relationship with her far more than her. Which again is normal, usual, but doesn’t help her find her wings, or you, yours.
With warmth,
MattFebruary 24, 2014 at 7:08 am in reply to: i want to trust him but something is holding me back #51638MattParticipantMegan,
I can understand and empathize with the feeling of fear in a relationship. Consider that trust is built over time, and to me it sounds like you are approaching this new connection skillfully. Said differently, there’s nothing wrong with being a little reserved when a relationship is new. Have you communicated your fears to your boyfriend? Pulling back, hiding your fears, trying to be “more connected” than you really are is the kind of stuff that causes distance. Being afraid is normal, usual, and lessens with time and continued heartfelt sharing between you two.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantRay,
Not out of line, just impatient, which is fine. 🙂 Sometimes it takes a little time!
I don’t think your sense of sex is corrupted, just hurt. Consider that its like it is bruised, and has to grieve and let go. She was “your woman” for a long time and it’ll take some time to heal. Said differently, there is perhaps an association that “her=woman=untrustworthy” that keeps you a little closed off, guarded. It probably doesn’t halt your actual sex drive, just the feeling of closeness… perhaps you pull back, much like we protect a bruise from extra pressure. It hurts! But the allure! Over time, when we see and trust that people are different, and most women are true to their hearts, opening up becomes simple. Said differently, over time as our bruises heal, connecting becomes less painful, confusing.
As for casual, consentual sex, it seems fine to me, but its not my preference. As trust builds, so does the connection, the vibrance. Its difficult to be trusting with people we don’t know well, because sex can be an awkward affair. Lots of sensitive spots emotionally, physically, and so forth, and when trust is newly buddhing, sharing those spots and preferences requires lots of courage if the heart is involved.
Were I in your shoes, I would stop trying to look for someone in tune with you, what does that even mean? Instead, look for someone that sparkles, or just look. What do you see that is beautiful? What shines in your eyes? Then explore. Question, dance, consider, play… you don’t have to wait and ask for a dance from the mother of your babies, go find a partner that seems interesting and explore. You don’t have to have sex or become deeply intimate until you’re ready, letting it blossom naturally, and certainly not to be feared. Its a lot of fun (I’m sure at least some of you remembers how fun) but we have to play nice or people get hurt. She wasn’t nice, but many are if not most.
Finally, consider that the heart you bring, the trueness you have will be very settling for a woman, making your hugs more authentic, more grounding. Said differently, because you’ve been hurt from love, you know how painful it is, and definitely don’t want others to go through it. So you’ll very naturally erode any desire to be dishonest or disloyal, and instead be honest and loyal. That commitment, intention, and hope will help attract someone that feels the same. Then, the sky’s the limit!
With warmth,
MattFebruary 23, 2014 at 9:15 am in reply to: break up again – (decisions post from a while backcontinued) #51565MattParticipantBarbs,
I’m sorry for your continued lamenting, and can understand why it strikes you so powerfully. Sometimes one of the issues with codependency is that it places a ton of our self value on the other. Said differently, sometimes when we are out of balance in sharing our light with another, when they leave, our light feels like it gets snuffed out. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Consider that the emotions and visions of hopelessness are results, not causes. You go everywhere, and see him in everything. “Our kind of place”, empty home, your phone, your cat and so on all sing to you of him. Consider that when this happens, we feel “loss loss loss loss”, and is normal, my dear and sweet sister. From the feeling of loss blossomed all the thoughts of low self value, and whew! What a tangle!
Please, please, switch to more self nurturing. Some metta meditation, take a bath, be kind to your body, just try to make space. Our feeling of worthlessness fades as we rekindle our light. Just have a little faith in yourself. You’re stronger than you think!
OK, so metta meditation will take a little time, you don’t want to be all wrinkly from sitting in a bathtub for hours, and plus, you have children to teach. The metta will help the space to grow inside, so you won’t feel overwhelemed. But to overcome the pull of it, the distraction when you need to focus, consider a simple mantra:
“I will grieve this, but here and now, their stories are important, too. We all suffer, and I want to try to share light now, and grieve later, when there’s space and time.” And try to surrender, accept. Look around… what are the kids doing? What’s the lesson today? How can I capture their attention and teach them? What’s the meeting agenda? How’s Sally doing with her kidney stone? They matter too!
And then, when you’re alone, try to let the emotions blossom like fireworks instead of cycle like wheels. Yes, it hurts. Of course, the heart has been wounded. Instead of bopping along these negative cycles, wild and aimless… consider sitting and breathing. On the in breath, we can open to what we’re feeling… accept that this feeling is here now, and impermanent. On the out breath, let go, release, we can hand over our pain back to momma, to the earth, the universe. Be done with it, let it settle. She can do that for us, take it in with us, breathe it out with us. We’re part of a family, my dear sweet sister… and the playful girl in you is right around the corner. Consider that perhaps she was just a little underfed and is cranky, and the hoplessness and darkness is the result. So perhaps if you get her some better food (nurture nurture nurture), you’ll remember how to play, be happy, and share love.
With that being said, grief requires a lot of patient endurance. Yeah, you had to hop up and leave when you became overwhelemed. Normal, usual, and it will happen less with time, so be patient. Your body has an amazing capacity for healing… emotionally, physically, mentally… but it takes time, and so be patient as you heal. Our outbursts are normal, human, but sometimes spiral out of control when we feel bad for having them. Instead, we can be patient, let them be like ripples on our path of growing joy.
Hang in there, sister, I believe in you! Obviously! 🙂
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantAsh,
Intimacy and relationships are not destined to feel like shackles, confining, controlling. Quite the contrary, for instance, since I found my wife I have never felt more free. To me, it sounds like you have some issues with creating boundaries, knowing yourself outside a relationship, and standing on your own. These are all codependency patterns, and you may find great relief and insight if you were to read some of Pia Melody’s books.
For instance, why would you say yes to marriage when your heart said no? What caused that pressure? The awkwardness? His feelings? Social situation he chose to ask you in? Those aren’t good reasons, dear sister, when the heart says no, so too should our lips. 🙂 Sorting it out may require a little digging inside, but its really worth it.
In the meantime, consider trying some metta meditation. Metta is the feeling of warmth in our chest area, and is something that helps us stand up for what we know is right, even if its difficult, even if other people disagree, even if other people pressure us. Consider searching YouTube for “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” if interested.
In terms of what to do next with your relationship, perhaps if you spend a little time self nurturing, rekindling your light through metta practice, and so forth, it will be a lot easier. It is a much brighter world when we are tending the garden we wish to grow, rather than scrambling around hoping others will let us do what we want. Namaste, sister, may you find your song.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantKelly,
His embarrassment is his problem… if you want Jason involved and he doesn’t, that’s not your problem either. Remember he doesn’t get to decide what you do, how you act, what you feel, or how you “should” behave. You could give him the option of Jason or the police, for instance. As he probably has a physical advantage, it is plenty fair that you bring support.
Consider that you have no obligation to try to be accomdating to what your ex says is “reasonable”. You’ve fallen for the whole “don’t be unreasonable” manipulation before, no need to make the same mistake again. Said differently, your ex may describe you in any number of ways, but his manipulations are like a kid having a temper tantrum… even so, it is better to protect your boundaries, trust your heart, and decide the way you want it to be, and do that. No need to be uncomfortable just because the ex says “this and that, so on and so forth”. You wanting a friend isn’t saying “you’re a monster”, for instance, its saying “I’m not comfortable being alone with you or having you in my house.” Which totally makes sense, is reasonable, and very usual. The hook “stop calling me a monster” is just another way of saying “you’re irrational”. Nope, what you say makes perfect sense to me, and I would do the same in your shoes. Why mess with it?
Finally, consider checking out a local women’s abuse survior support group or organization. Its very plausible that you might have some residual goo to wash off from his hooks. You’d be surprised at how long those manipulative hooks can stay in if you don’t identify them and toss them aside. All that invalidation does terrible things to self esteem, so it might be nice to relate to some others that have been through similar things. Congrats on breaking free, dear sister, I hope you find some peace.
With warmth,
MattWith warmth,
Matt -
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