Lillywaters,

I’m sorry form your suffering, and can understand how painful cyclical criticism can become. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy. Sometimes when we have a very powerful mind, but a weak heart, the experiences we have are painted darkly, and we become fearful, pained, and full of thoughts that flog us. As vibrant, as painful, and as hopeless it may seem, there is nothing going on in your mind that is unworkable. Said differently, there is a path to walk, but require your moving feet… so “knowing” the path wont set you free. Walking the path will set you free. A few things came to heart as in read your words.

Consider that perhaps you feel defeated, overwhelmed, stuck, and hopeless. Perhaps because you’ve watched yourself cycle a lot, so those emotions seem justified, truth. They aren’t. They’re just emotions. However, perhaps you have a false understanding of how the mind and body work, which means no matter what you’ve tried, it doesn’t seem to scratch the itch, relieve the suffering, silence the inner critic. This doesn’t mean its not possible to settle, it just means that you don’t make sense to yourself yet. Like “this critical behavior seems random, without cause, inherent… and therefore there is no solution, no possibility of freedom.” You are not that unique, your mind is just like the rest of ours, and subject to the same laws of cause and effect.

So what is really happening? What I see is the following. Imagine that your mind is like a tiny room, a tiny cage. This cage fills up with tons of thoughts… “what you said was stupid”, “no one knows you”, “no one cares”, “you’re stuck here alone with me, forever, bwahaha”. As you shrink and cower from that voice, the prison becomes a little smaller, a little less spacious. Then, the voice notices “see? Hiding deeper inside here, feel those muscle cramps? That means I’m right. Bwahaha.” This voice, however, is just the sound of your own crying hopes bouncing off the walls of the cage. Such as your cry “please, please, I just want peace” echoes of the wall as “you’ll never have peace”. Your cry “I just want to be safe”, echoes as “the only safety is here, alone”. And so forth. Very natural, very usual. Your past strategies have been to fight the voice directly. Such as saying back to it “I am lovable” but then the echo comes back. For every echo, a response, and for every response, and echo. This quickly spirals downward into despair, as though nothing you say or do can silence those echoes. And in part, its true… but the goal isn’t to stop the echoes.

The goal is to blow out the walls, expand them outward and the echoes naturally erode, naturally evaporate. This is done through persistent self nurturing. Said differently, when we self nurture, we grow our space outward, expand our walls, and eventually, they pop like a balloon and we become free. The path is as such:

One day, you wake up and the walls are looming, the echoes loud. So, you hop in the bathtub, light some candles, because you remember somewhere that you need to make space, and decide to give it a try. You sit, feel the water, feel your breath moving in and out of your lungs, feel yourself relaxing, unwinding. Then, when you dry off, perhaps for 5 seconds there are no echoes. You remember something you did and see how the other person genuinely smiled, enjoyed you. Then, that picture is replaced by echoes, and the smile seems insincere, the enjoyment false. The next day, when you wake up, you remember that you’re supposed to be making space, so you hop in the tub again. Then, you breathe, feel the water, let your mind settle a little, and when you dry off, for 10 seconds there is relief. Each time, each cycle of freedom to claustrophobia grows those walls outward, expanding your sense of well being.

This is a well understood and related process, sometimes called “the dharmic sequence” or “the reliable pattern of nature”. Its not a quick fix, such as simply walking out of the cage… simply removing the echoes. Its a path of erosion, expansion, and takes time to grow. It isn’t lined with a removal of the echoes, such as trying to reign in the mind…. rather, the walls expand and the echoes get quieter and quieter.

That being said, hopping in the tub might not be the thing for you. What do you do to self nurture? To show your body that you are kind, gentle, and capable of being nice to yourself? Perhaps you don’t even have any of those? Consider using one of my favorites, which is also what the Buddha taught to solve your very dilemma. Its called metta meditation, and goes a long way to make the mind smooth, peaceful and happy. Said differently, metta is much like a force of warm friendship that quickly expands the walls in the mind, giving it space to breathe, grow and find contentment. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested. When you get up from the cushion, perhaps that tender glow will last a few moments before the echoes blow it out. The second time, perhaps a handful of moments. The third, perhaps 5 minutes. Onward and outward, dear sister, each time helping your peace last a little longer, become a little deeper. Keep at it, it works for us all. This is why we call Buddhism a practice, because we practice intentionally growing our light and fumble and extinguish it quickly at first, then less and less as we become more skillful.

With warmth,
Matt

Barbs,

You’re welcome, and from the bottom of my heart, I hope you find peace. Remember that you aren’t setting him free, you’re setting yourself free.

Sending warmth your way, dear sister.
Matt

Jdkm,

You’re welcome, and I’m happy your tears have moved from despair to sorrow. I agree that you’re far stronger than you’ve given yourself credit for. To reopen after trust has been broken is a rare thing for a heart to be able to do, and your’s did. That he couldn’t or didn’t is life, but the strength of heart you’re finding within is something that will stay with you, and become a precious jewel for yourself and anyone you choose to love. Namaste, sis, may you cry your tears with fullness and find contentment.

With warmth,
Matt

Barbs,

Sheesh, dear sister, you paint yourself in such a dark hue. If I did to my wife what he did to you, she would probably go far more apeshit than you did. Consider that he worked late, stayed out late, was highly emotionally unavailable, smoked weed instead of dealing with his stress with sobriety and wisdom, and successfully blamed you time and again for being emotionally “needy”. You love him, barbs, and I wish you could see how much of your heart you poured to an empty throne.

You don’t own this, this is not yours. You’re grabbing it, beating yourself up with it, but its not you. Consider that neglect is a form of abuse, and the worst part of it is often the victim is told “I neglect you because you are undeserving”… he neglected you, dear sister. Stop being a teenage pining whiner and look! You didn’t “push him away”, he was away most of the time. You just couldn’t reach him, and you tried everything you could. Even when it required you to abandon self respect, you couldn’t get to him. Now you seem to be painting him with a halo, but I am not fooled as you are.

Try to breathe, dear sister, this too shall pass. Said differently, I know you are strong, because it takes an enormous amount of strength to maintain a relationship with a seat that was so often empty. Now, that strength is flogging your tender bottom, and ooooch, what a sting! But just breathe… you’ll find your light.

Perhaps next time if you wake up with an addictive pull to let him beat you up some more, perhaps you could instead spend some time self caring. It really would work out better for you in my opinion.

Consider that you’re not all that remarkable, not all that broken. What I see is a woman that wishes to be loved and treated with tender care. When she didn’t get that, she became agitated, hungry. She tried everything she could to find that connection, first asking, talking and hoping. And nothing, little scraps came back. So she became demanding, grasping, desperate. And nothing, judgment came back, poisoned scraps. Then the crowning glory of bullshit…. when you pour to him, he says “no, sorry, your behaviors are unlovable”. What an asshole. He had the treasure of a king, the heart of a beautiful woman, and he pisses on it, on you. And you blame yourself for causing the rain.

Shake awake sister, you’re better than this, more beautiful than this.

With warmth,
Matt

Chelsea,

It seems to me like you’re so very close to letting it heal, letting it go. Consider for a moment that the experience was so vibrant for you, so difficult and confusing, that it “flashed” inside your chakra. Much like Mark’s skillful pointing that we carry traumas within us. So, as you remember it now, you’re relating to it as the older Chelsea, and feel disbelief. But that’s not who was there… it was a different (but obviously connected) being. You’ve grown since then, come to understand and protect yourself much better.

Is it really that bewildering that a young Chelsea wasn’t prepared to fend off a bully in that way? There’s no need to resent her, hate her… she was doing the best she knew how with what she knew. It can become especially difficult if the body experiences pleasure and/or orgasm, because penetration can be physically pleasurable, even when its emotionally painful. When I began healing from my own sexual abuse, accepting that I felt pleasure was one of the toughest parts. Very normal, very usual, very lovable. Its a simple thing to look back and judge the young chelsea as this or that, but that is not fair of us. Look at how much smarter, stronger and alert we are now! Judging her based on your current strength? Absurd! Instead, we can offer her compassion, understanding, and forgiveness.

To the young Chelsea: I’m so sorry, dear daughter, for all the difficulty and pain you’re experiencing. I’m so glad you hid deep inside, in a place where no one can touch us without our permission, given freely, without pressure or violence. Stay there as long as you need, until you feel safe, ready, and loved. That space will always be a sacred garden that will only open when you wish it to. I wish the older version of Chelsea was there to protect you, because she is such a strong form of the goddess, and would definitely have prevented any harm… but for now, hide, cry, rest, and wait for the older Chelsea to wake you up and set you free.

Back to now, consider that there is no stain upon your brow, dear friend. Said differently, its not about deserving to find joy in the bedroom with your boyfriend… of course you deserve it… its about being afraid that you’re unlovable because of what you’ve done. That’s just fear, and is a paper tiger, a puff of smoke, nothing, empty. It perhaps remains convincing only because you cower from it still, but if you even poke at it, the whole of it can collapse.

That being said, there’s no need to take my word on it. If you have the curiosity, consider checking some sexual abuse survivor communities on the web. The “abuse to shame” cycle is very common. Said differently, if the sexual abuse were like an inhaled breath, the shame is the feeling of pressure as you hold the breath in. All you really have to do is breathe it out, forgive yourself, accept yourself, and let it go… woosh, be done with it. And goodness gracious, dear sister, I hope you do.

With warmth,
Matt

Barbs,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and understand why the grief is so painful. As I read your words, it sounds like an addict that is going through withdrawal. I’m glad you’re breathing, and consider doing some metta meditation and lots of self nurturing, yoga, dancing, or whatnot. These feelings are not permanent.

Consider that he never was nor never could be your path to joy. Remember that is between you, your heart, and your feet. Right now its scary because the codependency has kicked in from the absence of the other… but that with time it settles. Perhaps think of these mental/emotional outbursts like contractions, as you give birth to a newer, freer version of Barbs. That’s when you can find a lasting happiness. And this “what if he’s he best thing I deserve and I blew it” is hogwash, just your grief sucking away at your self esteem.

Let it go, sister. You’re not only beautiful, and deserving of a partner that fits better, but the halo and self flogging and desperation is all normal, usual, and part of loss. It seems loud and dramatic because its so fresh, and its good for you to cry, wail, and be sad. Just try to keep your hands off your whip… your heart and mind are tender enough right now without you beating yourself up as well. In, out, impermamemt, this will pass. One teacher said that the path to peace is grown most prominently by our ability to peacefully abide turmoil. You’re in the shit now, sister, and as you breathe your best breaths, try to let the space open up inside you and let your pain simply “be”, you get closer to joy, contentment and freedom with each exhale.

Hugs,
Matt

Di,

Namaste, sister, I’m happy your peacefulness is growing, and I’m empathetic to the difficulty letting go. Consider that while we all have the potential for blossoming like you have, it takes certain conditions. Sun, rain, inner drive, space… and even then there is no guarantee. Often, we have to meet a crisis or trauma before we are ready to throw our hands in the air and seek a new way. Said differently, it can be painful to see someone we love going through struggle, but that same struggle is their path to peace.

On one hand, yes he is the same… under the addiction and anger, he is a Buddha just like you and me. That doesn’t mean he’s ready to open up and come to the plate. Said differently, it isn’t that he is he same, and so what’s the problem. Rather, its he has the potential to awaken to the same loving view you have, but hasn’t. Because he hasn’t, and seems unwilling at this time, the energy you two share perhaps creates more suffering for both of you. Said differently, as you two seperate, whatever you have him that was enabling him to avoid the crisis will erode, making it more likely he will find himself. After all, when the room is empty, we have no one to blame for the smell within it, and start investigating our own stink. 🙂

Consider that even with all your awareness, all your peace, you still must go through the grief of losing the marriage. This is normal, usual, and waves of emotional pain comes with it. Rather than chasing and seeking and asking and lamenting, consider sitting, opening. Said differently, instead of self discovery (“why do I feel this way”) consider pausing the questions and switching to self nurturing (“I can make space for this feeling”). Cry to the water in the tub, yell at the trees on your nature walk, and so forth. Then, the “why, what, how” just blossoms in the space your tears leave behind.

With warmth,
Matt