I wonder, what do you do to nurture yourself? Anything? Do you know what that even means? When I was first recovering from codependency, being alone was scary because I didn’t like myself very much. Heck, I didn’t know myself very much, so how could I like myself!

I think self help books and meetings can certainly help, and reading and going can allow us to find an authentic love for who we are. Its not enough, though, we have to get out of our head and learn that we are lovable.

Consider going somewhere, telling no-one, and explore. A park, Walmart, a library… somewhere no one gave you permission or acceptance. Don’t tell him, or us, or anyone… where you go and what you do or see. It is just for you.

When it is just you, your secret, your connection to the world, what do you see? What do you like?

With warmth,
Matt

• This reply was modified 11 years, 5 months ago by Matt.

Lara,

You ask such a great question! How can we love those who do not seem to return our love, and instead, they seem to ignore that we are weeping inside. A fwb relationship is even more painful for a romantic spirit, because we find joy in deeply connecting with one another.

So, your pertinent question of “how do I heal this wound” remains. From my own path of healing, I have found a few ideas that I hope connect with your situation.

First, it doesn’t seem like building a wall will work… rather, the wall is there already and the pain you’re feeling is the chunks of wall melting. Said differently, as you take each step, each breath, you are figuring out what you’re looking for in a relationship. You realized you don’t want an abusive relationship and left. Then, as you began to ache for something more, you connected to your friend in such a way that it provided some relief from your feeling of isolation. However, the man who has your attentions in this moment doesn’t seem to share the same attention on you, and it remains painful.

But where is that pain really coming from? For me, the pain has always seemed to arise from the difference between who he is and who I dream him to be. I’ll explain.

When we love, and especially when we love loving, we can create a fantasy about how good things would be if only. If only he said this, if only he did that… then our connection would be what we want. If he committed to us, we could live out the romantic dream we know in our heart we are capable of sharing.

Then, as the truth of where they are becomes more clear (with time and more connecting) the reality crashes up against the dream and we feel a lot of sorrow, like we are missing out. We begin to imagine ways of changing ourselves, the situation, or him, so that the dream and reality will match. Our yearning heart crashes against the truth of what’s around us, and we suffer from the loss of the dream. Does that sound right?

The solution is actually quite simple, but it is difficult. We have to let go of the dream. In our mind, he is a good fit, if only he were like the image we have in our mind! He walks by us at work, and what do we see? Do we see him or the dream? We feel hurt by his lack of understanding, but how could he understand us when we’re split between reality and dreaming?

Instead, we can grow unconditional love for ourselves and others. As we are looking at people and events, we ask: are we seeing what’s there? Are we really looking at who is there? Do we accept them for who they are and where they are? What is in us that wishes to control them? What is preventing our peace of mind? Then we breathe deep, on the inbreath thinking “I see what is here in me and there in them” and on the outbreath “I wish to let my love flow into the truth of what is here.” After we do that for a few dozen breaths, our pain turns back into love and we release the dream, allowing our heart to accept and open to the reality around us. As we do this, we actually attract the healing we need and become available to partners that do fit the rhythms of our heart.

Pia Mellody wrote a book Facing Codependence which might help also. Often when we have remained in unhealthy relationships, our low self esteem can land us in cycles of control, unequal sharing, and fantasies.

With warmth,
Matt