Forum Replies Created
January 17, 2020 at 9:02 am #334019
Thank you Brayden. I will look within me and try to heal. I am trying to be calm and not live in despair and unhappiness. Perhaps my soul will be happier one day. I don’t know for now.January 17, 2020 at 9:01 am #334017
Thank you Anita. I appreciate your advice and wisdom. And I should feel better. I am not alone. You have been there through many of my sad times and I am grateful. I will pick myself up and go on. Thank you. Atleast I know my worth now and would rather be alone than be used by someone. That is still saving grace.January 15, 2020 at 1:39 pm #333701
Anita, I can’t tell you the number of people tho gloat to me. Literally everyone. She has always told me about how she is so happy and then will say – I know you haven’t been lucky but you’ve done ok. As if that is consolation. My other friend asked me what I was doing this weekend. I said I was out with this mate from Paris. And she said – oh I was doing some home admin and lazy time with Mark. We’ve only been together since September but my weekends are so much better now. And I didn’t ask for that information or detail.
its the same way the Fwb would tell me about his holiday plans, his family knowing fully well that I am alone and haven’t been on a holiday in 5 years. People know. I don’t hide who I am or how I feel. But they still want to show me how amazing their life is. I have never shared details and never asked them about their life. They why do they? Cos they feel better gloating to someone who they know doesn’t have the ability to experience what they do. It’s always been that way. And they all know my life. Know what I’ve been through but they’ll still talk about themselves and their amazing lives. That is life.January 15, 2020 at 1:27 pm #333697
I didn’t tell her that it bothers me. Her happiness doesn’t. I am happy for her. But I don’t need the details. She was with me at university. I haven’t seen her in over 2 years despite being best friends. But no need to gloat about her life. But it’s not just her. Everyone I know seems to do it and expects me to listen and be quiet.
I don’t know if it’s possible on my solo holiday but I’ll be positive and go on. I just know family and friends can be cruel. What can I expect from strangers then?? I’ve always known it but some days are just harder than others. Thank you so much for replying to my posts.January 15, 2020 at 1:02 pm #333683
I’m not giving up hope Anita. But sometimes, I wonder why people are cruel when they know that I’ve been single since 2013. I don’t invite myself to any of their homes and mind my business here and only ever think of going on a solo holiday. It feels like people talk to me so that they feel better about their lives. Which is very sad. I don’t have many friends but most are married or with boyfriends. I hope they are happy – I don’t intrude and don’t want anything from them. I guess that is how the world is. Cruel towards someone who didn’t have the right opportunities in her personal life. I’ll accept it. Thank you for writing to me. It was a difficult day but I am growing and accepting. It’s all I can do.January 15, 2020 at 11:45 am #333649
I just wanted to write about how I was feeling somewhere and this post came to mind. I had a good day at work but I haven’t been well the last few days. My mate from Paris came to visit over the weekend and told me all about how happy she is with her husband and how he looks after her. Why do people hurt you like that? She knows I’ve been single for years. I am trying to date but I don’t want to set my standards short and have messy relationships again. People who I don’t want to chat to keep coming back while no one nice says hello. Are some people like me just unloveable? We just won’t see any love in this lifetime? Do I accept it and go on? I know you said that you’ve got to go on and live in hope but nothing changes. The same old awful people keep coming back coz they feel that they can use me. I’ll be 45 in April and want to go on a solo holiday. I always thought I would be with someone but that wasn’t meant to be. And then my mate says- oh what will happen if something happens to you? Who will come and rescue you? I wanted to say – who has looked after me when I was unwell since Sunday? I had to get up, cook and try and do some work as it’s relatively a new job. I don’t have those luxuries in life and I don’t complain. But why are people hurtful? Why do they come and thrust it in my face when I don’t ask for that information or invite them? The married man, the friend with benefits. My ex husband – these are the only people who want to chat with me. Obviously everyone who didn’t treat me well. I don’t want to meet any of them. Will my fate ever change? On days like today, I truly despair and had to write. I’m so sorry !December 31, 2019 at 10:08 am #330489
Thank you Anita and I’ll keep going. And feeling more worthy about myself. I thank you for helping me this year. I’m very grateful.December 31, 2019 at 9:48 am #330481
Happy new year Anita. I hope 2020 brings you lots of happiness, success and luck. I thought of you earlier today as I spent Christmas alone and also new year on my own. I felt a bit sad yesterday but I’m ending the year in a good job. Personal life is non existent but I told someone that I didn’t want to meet as I’m not interested in anything casual. I’m able to take a stand and will look after myself in 2020 !November 25, 2019 at 1:33 pm #324455
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Thank you Anita. You are truly a wonderful human being. I am very grateful for your kindness and for writing to me. In this world I’d awful people, there are still nice people like you. Thank you ?</p>November 25, 2019 at 1:28 pm #324453
I have to tell you this – one of my friends who is Russian and tall and slim said – you are very sweet Sumi. Like a lovely dumpling. Cute, warm and round. I didn’t know whether to take it as a compliment but I did and I go on. Someone on the dating site Bumble said – you should go to the gym and lose a few pounds. People are cruel and I’ve tolerated it my entire life. I think that’s why I don’t believe I deserve anything and now more so as I’m divorced and old. But you have given me courage to go on. To find my space and see if I can go on. And I will surely try. I will try and be peaceful and confident and try and keep myself happy. I may be single another year but it’s ok. Atleast noone’s hurting me and that’s a blessing. Thank you for writing to me. I am very grateful.November 25, 2019 at 1:01 pm #324439
Thank you Anita. I have the confidence in life but it’s my personal life that I don’t think I deserve it coz I’ve always been made to feel inferior. I will try and work on it and feel confident. Thank you so much.November 25, 2019 at 12:16 pm #324421
Thank you Anita. I agree – they are my issues. I don’t see myself as worthy of anyone and I try to keep them happy. Though they don’t treat me well. It’s always been that way. Even in my first marriage – I was always the one who bent over backwards to treat men and their families well. They never did anything to make me feel nice.
Its probably cos I was always told I am chubby and not fair and in India, that was considered not very good looking. When my first husband wanted to marry me – it was an arranged marriage – my mum said – someone wants to marry us. It’s better than being alone and I was 25. I have always been grateful for the attention I get cos I am not pretty like other women who are skinny and beautiful. I am attractive, intelligent, smart and kind. But beauty is something I don’t have. Perhaps that is the root of all my people pleasing. I am a UK size 12 which isn’t huge but I am overweight for my height. I have promised myself that I will look better in 2020. I want to lose weight and look my best at 45. Better late than never I guess.
I may never feel pretty but I am a decent person and perhaps that’s why I try to overcompensate. I must stop. I know I must.November 25, 2019 at 9:35 am #324395
I’ve had a busy day at work. Hope you are well.
I’ve been a manager of people and teams for a long time now . My teams always like me but they also know that the buck stops with me and that I will give them a hard time if they make mistakes. I work in a male dominated industry but I’ve survived and go on. My peers respect me and that means a lot. I’m not a pushover at work.
So in my personal life, my ex husband would never make plans for us. I had to do things and he would reluctantly come along. And hated most experiences. I organised New Year’s Eve one year and did ask if he wanted to go out. I booked the hotel and dinner and he came along but hated the hotel and said he would have preferred to go to the pub and not spend it with me. It was very sad. I remember crying and wondering why no one appreciates anything nice that I do.
The 39 year old is still a friend and I bought him a gift for his 40th cos he has been in touch during my period of unemployment this year but I know he hasn’t done anything for me in the last 17 months. Don’t worry – I don’t want him in my life anymore but I considered him a friend and wanted to do something nice for him for his 40th. That’s all.
A man has never ever bought me dinner or organised something nice for me. Like a concert or something to do. And I don’t know why I don’t deserve it. Am I not good enough? I can pay my way and I am independent but why don’t they want to do anything nice? I pay attention and do nice things often. These days, I don’t do much.November 24, 2019 at 12:05 pm #324265
I agree. I am good but not assertive coz I don’t want to hurt anyone. I am learning to say no and I spend a lot of time by myself as I don’t want to fall into everyone else’s plans for me. But I still don’t find people who make an effort. They are happy to sit and wait till I make the effort. The lazy ones. That’s what I don’t understand. And I meet them over and over again. It must be a lesson I am not learning.
I will try and find books on being assertive. I am assertive at work – some people even find me aggressive. My personal life is where I struggle. With relationships and friendships. I should learn to be more assertive. You are right as always.November 24, 2019 at 10:42 am #324255
your last post made me smile. Miracles do happen and I’m very happy it happened to someone as nice as you.
I have one of my sad days today. I’ve spent all weekend alone and I did go to the shops, spoke to mom but I am alone. It’s not even that. I always feel – why do people take advantage of my niceness? Just cos I’m not a bitch and I’m usually nice cos I am a decent person!
My ex husband behaved as badly as he did cos he knew it was my second marriage and I had no family here. He knew how he was behaving but he still behaved that way cos he had the upper had. The man I met on the dating site last year said he only wanted to be friends with benefits in not as many words. Cos that’s what I deserved I guess. Why does no one ever offer me more? I’m not the pushy, aggressive kind who asks for more. I try to be helpful, affectionate, supportive. When I leave, then they realise what they’ve lost. Someone loyal and very supportive. But why does no one ever realise that when they meet me?
Even in my professional life – I wasn’t supposed to travel as often in this job but it’s become like that. When I applied for the job, it was supposed to be in London. And I took it as I didn’t have a choice after 11 months of unemployment. But even they hired me as I’m single and don’t have children ( they did ask me about it). Why do people take advantage of good, decent people? Why do I never get anything in return? Or anyone doing anything nice for me? Should I change myself?