November 20, 2019 at 1:15 pm #323797
You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation and kind words.
“I wonder why that never happened to me”- I further remember myself at your very age. I lived and still live in the US (but not born or grown up here). I was trying to figure out how to remember spelling Wednesday, because the “d” not pronounced, so I figure: “Wed” stands for wedding, and “nes” stands for miracle (it means miracle in another language), and I thought: if I ever get married again, that would indeed be a miracle.
I was utterly surprised and amazed that I really did get married after that, five years later. I suppose miracles do happen, and this particular miracle, it is way more likely to be actualized, than, let’s say winning a million dollars in the lottery or having honest politicians running a country.
anitaNovember 24, 2019 at 10:42 am #324255
your last post made me smile. Miracles do happen and I’m very happy it happened to someone as nice as you.
I have one of my sad days today. I’ve spent all weekend alone and I did go to the shops, spoke to mom but I am alone. It’s not even that. I always feel – why do people take advantage of my niceness? Just cos I’m not a bitch and I’m usually nice cos I am a decent person!
My ex husband behaved as badly as he did cos he knew it was my second marriage and I had no family here. He knew how he was behaving but he still behaved that way cos he had the upper had. The man I met on the dating site last year said he only wanted to be friends with benefits in not as many words. Cos that’s what I deserved I guess. Why does no one ever offer me more? I’m not the pushy, aggressive kind who asks for more. I try to be helpful, affectionate, supportive. When I leave, then they realise what they’ve lost. Someone loyal and very supportive. But why does no one ever realise that when they meet me?
Even in my professional life – I wasn’t supposed to travel as often in this job but it’s become like that. When I applied for the job, it was supposed to be in London. And I took it as I didn’t have a choice after 11 months of unemployment. But even they hired me as I’m single and don’t have children ( they did ask me about it). Why do people take advantage of good, decent people? Why do I never get anything in return? Or anyone doing anything nice for me? Should I change myself?November 24, 2019 at 12:00 pm #324261
Thank you for the nice words!
There is a difference between being good and being assertive. Very simplified, there are four groups of people: good people who are assertive, good people who are not assertive, bad people who are assertive and bad people who are not assertive. You are in the second group: good people who are not assertive.
“Should I change myself?”- yes. Become assertive!
But it won’t be easy because you are not used to it and it will not feel right to you (even though it is the right thing for you).
Again, people who have taken advantage of you did so not because you are a good person, but because you are not an assertive person.
There are books and workbooks, I am sure, on being assertive, learning assertiveness skills. Did you ever look into such literature?
November 24, 2019 at 12:05 pm #324265
- This reply was modified 7 months, 1 week ago by anita.
I agree. I am good but not assertive coz I don’t want to hurt anyone. I am learning to say no and I spend a lot of time by myself as I don’t want to fall into everyone else’s plans for me. But I still don’t find people who make an effort. They are happy to sit and wait till I make the effort. The lazy ones. That’s what I don’t understand. And I meet them over and over again. It must be a lesson I am not learning.
I will try and find books on being assertive. I am assertive at work – some people even find me aggressive. My personal life is where I struggle. With relationships and friendships. I should learn to be more assertive. You are right as always.November 24, 2019 at 12:07 pm #324267
I will read your recent post (and anything you may add to it, and please do add, anytime!) when I am back to the computer in a few hours.
anitaNovember 24, 2019 at 3:39 pm #324279
I do hope you feel better as you read this. I will be back to your thread tomorrow morning, in about 14 hours from now.
anitaNovember 25, 2019 at 6:28 am #324353
You wrote that at work, “some people even find me aggressive”- can you elaborate on what you mean by aggressive, in the context of work, an example or two perhaps?
In the context of personal relationships, you wrote: “I still don’t find people who make an effort. They are happy to sit and wait till I make the effort. The lazy ones. That’s what I don’t understand. And I meet them over and over again. It must be a lesson I am not learning”-
– then it must be a lesson you do need to learn. I will be glad to help you understand and learn this lesson. So I ask: are you referring here to men only, in the context of romantic relationships? What is that lazy behavior you are referring to, that which you encounter (from men?) over and over again, can you detail it?
anitaNovember 25, 2019 at 9:35 am #324395
I’ve had a busy day at work. Hope you are well.
I’ve been a manager of people and teams for a long time now . My teams always like me but they also know that the buck stops with me and that I will give them a hard time if they make mistakes. I work in a male dominated industry but I’ve survived and go on. My peers respect me and that means a lot. I’m not a pushover at work.
So in my personal life, my ex husband would never make plans for us. I had to do things and he would reluctantly come along. And hated most experiences. I organised New Year’s Eve one year and did ask if he wanted to go out. I booked the hotel and dinner and he came along but hated the hotel and said he would have preferred to go to the pub and not spend it with me. It was very sad. I remember crying and wondering why no one appreciates anything nice that I do.
The 39 year old is still a friend and I bought him a gift for his 40th cos he has been in touch during my period of unemployment this year but I know he hasn’t done anything for me in the last 17 months. Don’t worry – I don’t want him in my life anymore but I considered him a friend and wanted to do something nice for him for his 40th. That’s all.
A man has never ever bought me dinner or organised something nice for me. Like a concert or something to do. And I don’t know why I don’t deserve it. Am I not good enough? I can pay my way and I am independent but why don’t they want to do anything nice? I pay attention and do nice things often. These days, I don’t do much.November 25, 2019 at 11:59 am #324417
“It must be a lesson I am not learning”- as I understand it, the lesson is that when you present yourself to selfish men as less-than, selfish men will indeed treat you as a less-than.
When you bought concert tickets months ago for this selfish man who just turned 40, and he didn’t go to the concert with you because he didn’t want to be seen with you; when you kept meeting him at your place while he kept his dating profile active and refused to date you in public; when he asked you to introduce him to Eastern European women and you kept him as a friend regardless and recently bought him a birthday gift- you presented yourself to this selfish man as a less-than, and he in turn treated you as if you were indeed, less than.
(A decent, not selfish man will not treat a woman as less-than just because she thinks she is and will endure that treatment)
This is what you wrote months ago and my comments:
“He probably wants someone better than me”- never again accept into your bed and your life otherwise, a man who wants someone better. And seek for yourself a decent man- a decent man is a better man than an indecent, selfish man.
“I’m not a success. Who is when they are twice divorced and childless?”- if you think of success as having fame and fortune, then plenty of people, including some celebrities are twice (or more) divorced, childless and very successful.
“If I am a lesser person as I don’t have a child, fair enough”- no, not fair at all.
“I have low self esteem”- it is difficult to change this belief and feeling, but it is relatively easy to not act that way, and instead, to act- in the presence of a man- as if you are as worthy as any other woman.
anitaNovember 25, 2019 at 12:16 pm #324421
Thank you Anita. I agree – they are my issues. I don’t see myself as worthy of anyone and I try to keep them happy. Though they don’t treat me well. It’s always been that way. Even in my first marriage – I was always the one who bent over backwards to treat men and their families well. They never did anything to make me feel nice.
Its probably cos I was always told I am chubby and not fair and in India, that was considered not very good looking. When my first husband wanted to marry me – it was an arranged marriage – my mum said – someone wants to marry us. It’s better than being alone and I was 25. I have always been grateful for the attention I get cos I am not pretty like other women who are skinny and beautiful. I am attractive, intelligent, smart and kind. But beauty is something I don’t have. Perhaps that is the root of all my people pleasing. I am a UK size 12 which isn’t huge but I am overweight for my height. I have promised myself that I will look better in 2020. I want to lose weight and look my best at 45. Better late than never I guess.
I may never feel pretty but I am a decent person and perhaps that’s why I try to overcompensate. I must stop. I know I must.November 25, 2019 at 12:37 pm #324427
Let size 12 mean just that, a size 12. A size 12 does not mean a lesser woman. It means nothing other than a size 12. A clothing size, a skin tone, being lighter or darker, that has nothing to do with your worth as a woman or a person.
Let’s say a man who will not date a woman who is bigger than size 2. Fair enough, that’s his choice. But for a man to have sex with a size 12 woman in her home (so no dating/ no being seen with her in public) while he keeps looking for a size 2 woman to date in public- that is not fair, that is indecent behavior.
So, you are size 12 and have darker skin. First, darker skin is not inferior to lighter skin. I know many consider this to be so, but it is not true. Second, exercising and losing weight in the new year is a good idea because lighter weight is likely to be better for your health, and exercise will help with your depression.
But regardless of your weight, carry your body with a sort of pride, as if you are special; valuable. Smile as if you know that you are special. There is something very attractive about a woman who carries herself with this kind of knowing. Try it and you will see what difference it makes.
November 25, 2019 at 1:01 pm #324439
- This reply was modified 7 months, 1 week ago by anita.
Thank you Anita. I have the confidence in life but it’s my personal life that I don’t think I deserve it coz I’ve always been made to feel inferior. I will try and work on it and feel confident. Thank you so much.November 25, 2019 at 1:26 pm #324449
You are very welcome. I am sorry that you were made to feel inferior. I know how badly it feels because I was made to feel this way as well. But guess what: I am not inferior after all. So you see, it is possible that a person was made to feel inferior, feels inferior… and yet, truly is no less worthy than any person in the whole wide world.
anitaNovember 25, 2019 at 1:28 pm #324453
I have to tell you this – one of my friends who is Russian and tall and slim said – you are very sweet Sumi. Like a lovely dumpling. Cute, warm and round. I didn’t know whether to take it as a compliment but I did and I go on. Someone on the dating site Bumble said – you should go to the gym and lose a few pounds. People are cruel and I’ve tolerated it my entire life. I think that’s why I don’t believe I deserve anything and now more so as I’m divorced and old. But you have given me courage to go on. To find my space and see if I can go on. And I will surely try. I will try and be peaceful and confident and try and keep myself happy. I may be single another year but it’s ok. Atleast noone’s hurting me and that’s a blessing. Thank you for writing to me. I am very grateful.November 25, 2019 at 1:33 pm #324455
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Thank you Anita. You are truly a wonderful human being. I am very grateful for your kindness and for writing to me. In this world I’d awful people, there are still nice people like you. Thank you ?</p>