June 13, 2019 at 3:11 am #298769
Thank you for reading this post. I am grateful for your kindness.
I’m a 44 year old indian woman who lives in England and is pretty british – I’ve learnt to integrate, enjoy what I have and go on. But sometimes, my heart sinks and I dont know how to go on. I had an abusive arranged marriage in India that I walked out of – my father passed away the same year – I was in my mid 20s. I came to Europe to study and then found a job. Married for the second time and he turned out to be an alcoholic who didnt care for me. I’ve been divorced for the last 3 years and tried to date but I dont find kind men – I find people who want to use me. I am still a very kind, generous, affectionate woman. I only have mum who visits me and a few friends but no family here.
Its too late now to have a child and I havent met anyone to have a child either. I dont want to mislead anyone but my age should tell them where I am. I met one man who is 39 and he wants a sexual relationship but nothing more – he is intelligent, funny but he is probably biding his time to find someone to have kids with. Something that I cant give. And it breaks my heart.
I’ve been unemployed since the beginning of the year and I keep interviewing but cant seem to get a job though I am qualified and educated. I feel life is breaking me down. I am grateful for my life, my freedom but there is so much i dont have and never will. How does one find the energy when life beats them down constantly? I’ve had so many rubbish years despite being a genuinely kind and generous person. What more can I do?June 13, 2019 at 5:51 am #298793
You were in an abusive arranged marriage in India, had the courage to leave it while in your mid 20s and move to Europe where you continued your education and found a job. You married the second time a man who “turned out to be an alcoholic who didn’t care for (you)”. You divorced him at 41, dated but the men you dated want t use you, like the 39 year old man who “wants a sexual relationship but nothing more”. You’ve been unemployed since the beginning of the year, keep interviewing but didn’t find a job yet, even though you are “qualified and educated”.
You are interested and looking for a good job and a good man, qualified to get a good job because you are educated and skillful, have work experience, and you are qualified to get a good man because you are a “a very kind, generous, affectionate woman”.
You are sad about being too old, at 44, to have a child, believing this lowers your chances to get a good man, and you are lonely, having no family in the UK. Your father died about the time you left India, your mother visits you from time to time and you have a few friends in the UK, no family.
“What more can I do?”
I suppose you can think of outside the box ways to get employment, maybe move to another area in the UK or elsewhere, for this purpose. If you have been doing online dating, you can redo your profile there, improve your dating skills. (There are enough men out there who are not interested in having any, or more children. And you need only one).
Would you like to elaborate on any or both of these two items, your employment and dating strategies and experience?
anitaJune 13, 2019 at 6:01 am #298797
Thank you for your reply. I have worked in good jobs but there was no work life balance in online advertising and I fell ill with shingles in 2017 which made me decide to be a freelancer. I worked all of last year but my contract ended. I am interviewing for both permanent and contract roles but nothing seems to close and I worry that it’s me. My sadness probably comes through…
I meet men through my dating profile and most of them either want sex or are pushy ( even men who are dads). I didn’t want to date a man with children as most men with children that i’ve Met so far are focussed on their kids and rightfully so. I just won’t have any time or attention and that comes from perhaps being very lonely for a very long time. I have been living on my own since 2013 and somehow it just feels very long and lonely. I am yet to meet a man who doesn’t want children. They don’t seem to pick me for some reason. I meet Caucasian men as they don’t seem to mind the two divorces but the 39 year old is the only one i’ve Liked in a long time. It’s probably why he has got away with using me for a year. He’s smart, funny, works very hard like I used to and isn’t pushy or aggressive as a person. I hope this gives you some context.June 13, 2019 at 6:10 am #298801InkyParticipant
I would date youthful men in their fifties. They are mature, have had their kids (who are now grown) or will never have kids. At fifty a lot of them are in great shape and still look good. They will treat you better as they’re now wise enough to realize YOU are the catch.
I agree with looking outside the box for employment. Worst case scenario can you go back to India and live with your mom, or is that too much?
I’m sorry life is tough now. It’s helpful to think of life as a nonpersonal entity like the weather. It just is. It has nothing to do with your goodness or badness, worthiness or unworthiness. That’s what I do and it seems to piss life off even more that I shrug it off, but hey, you gotta laugh at it right?
June 13, 2019 at 6:16 am #298807
- This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by Inky.
Thank you for your reply. I’ll try and look for men in their fifties but I realised I am a different person when I work. And don’t want to meet anyone when I am so low. I might sign up to the dating site in October to see who’s out there.
I can’t go back to India. I have a British passport but I can look for work outside in Europe. Perhaps that’s what I need to do if nothing shifts for a few months. I just feel that my life is useless. Tomorrow if I died, noone’s life with change. Perhaps mum will miss me but she has my brother and his kids for company. They live in the US and i’m not close as i’ve spent most of my time struggling with my life.
Thank you for the advice. I am very grateful.June 13, 2019 at 6:32 am #298815
I didn’t understand that you’ve been having a relationship with this 39 year old man for a year. For a year then, you’ve been hoping that this man you like so much will like you back the same way, value you as a partner in life?
When we feel used, we get angry. Anger bottled in robs us from energy, weakens us, so much that we “can’t find the energy to go on”-
– You mentioned a few factors that led to your state of depression, unemployment, loneliness, and an energy- draining one year relationship.
I don’t have information or ideas regarding your unemployment situation, other than the idea, as I read your third post, that you may move elsewhere in Europe to find employment, and that doesn’t read like a bad idea, given you have a few friends and no other valuable social connections where you live now.
Would you like to elaborate on your one year relationship and/ or previous relationships you had, it may shed light on a few things that I don’t see now.
anitaJune 13, 2019 at 6:40 am #298819
Yep, I’ve probably been hoping that he would like me and value me as a person. But he doesn’t want a relationship. And I don’t know his friends or even go out with him. But we talk about life, football, work, his family. The conversations are numerous on text but not in person. He’s a nice man though. I can’t blame him
I have dated other men who seemed really pushy or aggressive and I back off.. and 2017/2018 – I was on my own and was unwell in 2017. I still look after my ex and keep in touch but not from a partner point of view but cos I still feel responsible for him in some way. I’ve tried and moved away from him since last year. Consciously. Though he still says I am the best woman he would ever meet cos I didn’t hurt him in anyway.
In my one year relationship, we have talked about me wanting a proper boyfriend.. and that he still has his dating profile up. It’s become a conversation of banter and jokes. He will move on when he finds someone decent. I think he’s just biding his time but it’s hurtful. And I don’t want to date someone else yet as i’m Not ready. I am a completely different person when I work and I don’t want to meet men when I am as low as I am now.June 13, 2019 at 6:42 am #298821
I’ve also decided to take a dating hiatus.. most men seem to want sex and I am not in the frame of mind to give. Anytime soon. I wanted to take a break till September but my energy is completely sapped . And I am struggling which is why I wrote in.. thank you for taking the time to reply.June 13, 2019 at 6:55 am #298831
I ask questions because I can’t give you more than a generic advice (ex. think outside the box regarding employment), unless I have more personal information about you. Feel free to answer, or not, there is no requirement to answer my questions.
1. Regarding the one year relationship man (“I don’t know his friends or even go out with him… He still has his dating profile up”), “I can’t blame him”, you wrote. Do you mean that you don’t blame him for not introducing you to his friends? For not taking you out on dates? If so, who do you blame for him not taking you out or introducing you to his friends?
2. Regarding your ex second husband, you wrote that “he still says I am the best woman he would ever meet cos I didn’t hurt him in any way”-
– why did he hurt “the best woman he would ever meet” and who “didn’t hurt him in any way”?
– what does it mean to you, to be “the best woman”?
anitaJune 13, 2019 at 7:01 am #298833
I came here asking for help. I’m ok to answer your questions
– I don’t blame others for how they behave. They behave the way they want to. He didn’t want a relationship with me. He probably wants someone better than me. He was stringing me along but me being stupid, I didn’t realise that till this year. I am still kind and a good friend but I don’t expect anything anymore. From him.
– my ex husband is an alcoholic but I also know that he is selfish and doesn’t care about me or anyone else. It’s why I filed for divorce at 40. When I had nothing else but my job and my little flat.
I am a decent; kind woman! I don’t take advantage of anyone else and never ask for anything. I don’t know how to ask but I am learning to set boundaries with toxic people. Like I did with my ex. But that takes time and I lose out on life. I’m not as smart as some people.June 13, 2019 at 7:20 am #298845
“I’m not as smart as some people”- I wasn’t smart either, but I am getting there. I learn, so I get smarter, or wiser. Same is true to you, you can learn and become smarter and wiser. We shouldn’t learn strictly in the context of a school, we should aim to learn in the context of life, every single day.
“I don’t blame others for how they behave… He probably wants someone better than me”- so if a man disrespects you and doesn’t care about your feelings, you don’t blame him because you are not good enough to respect? Not good enough for your feelings to be considered?
“I am a decent; kind woman!”- but are you decent and kind toward yourself?
“I don’t take advantage of anyone else and never ask for anything. I don’t know how to ask but I am learning to set boundaries with toxic people”- It is a good thng that you are learnig to set boundaries with people and already practiced that. Next thing is to learn how to ask for what you have the right to ask. I can help you learn how to ask, if you are interested.
anitaJune 13, 2019 at 7:28 am #298851
Thank you Anita. I am happy to learn how to ask and accept your help. I want to be stronger but I keep getting beaten down by life and circumstances and my own inadequacies as a person.
i was chatting with my mum today. My younger cousin and her husband want to visit my brother and his family in the US and they are being welcomed with open arms as she is a success – she is married and has a husband and that counts for a lot. While it’s been 4 years since my brother met me. He doesn’t even know where I live in the UK. I told mum I am glad I live here. Away from India and the US. I know i’m not a success. Who is when they are twice divorced and childless? But I need to find my way and go on. Or just give up and all my struggles for the past 15 years will be futile. I have to be stronger. I just don’t know how. I don’t want to get used, taken advantage of and being made to feel that i’m Not good enough. Both professionally and personally. I’ve honestly tried to do well in life and I have a clear conscience – I have hurt no one. But I can’t carry on like this.June 13, 2019 at 7:45 am #298859
What is success? For most people it is what looks like success: ownership of a home, a car or two, the more owned, the more successful… and in more traditional societies in particular, success is also being married and having children.
But how is it that millions of people living in their own big houses, owning lots of things and having lots of money, married with children, how is it that they are unhappy, and in the US at least, are on anti depressants or otherwise self medicating themselves?
True success does involve being able to provide for oneself enough to eat, to rest, to be sheltered in the cold and in addition to these things, success is how we experience life in-between-our-ears. Your life right now is of poor quality not because you don’t have the necessities of life, but because your experience in between your ears is quite miserable.
Your brother who welcomes your cousin with open arm because she appears successful and yet, he doesn’t know where you live, because you don’t appear successful… he is not a good, loving brother. It is not that you are not a good sister. He is a bad brother to you.
His lack of regard to you (because of you not being married with children or employed) does not indicate that you are not good enough. It indicates that he isn’t good enough.
I am glad you want to learn how to ask. You and I can continue to communicate here beyond today. We can communicate over weeks and months if you want. Therefore, post when you want and I will reply every time I am at the computer, which has been daily for more than four years.
anitaJune 13, 2019 at 8:55 am #298895
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Thank you Anita. I am very grateful that you listen and give me an objective opinion.</p>
I am not dating any new man. Should I stop meeting the 39 year old too? My heart says yes but I feel I can stay text friends if that. Perhaps that’s wrong ! I’m not sure. I don’t want a relationship with him. I can’t give him what he needs. Meetings are only in my flat or his. I can easily avoid it.June 13, 2019 at 9:07 am #298901
You are very welcome. Regarding the 39 year old, it is clear to me that the right thing for you to do for yourself is to no longer meet him in your flat, or in his flat, or in any private place where a sexual relationship can take place. In other words, no more sex.
If he wants to see you in a public place such as a coffee house or a restaurant, during the day or late afternoon (better not at night)- that will be acceptable.