June 14, 2019 at 6:30 am #299101cathParticipant
I understand how conventional India is and here also.I do get your feelings.I am not sure what you can do about work but if I can think of anything I will get back on this forum.Re children 44 these days is not impossible.
When women beyond 50 are doing this at around 5000 pounds it is not impossible.
With a donated egg if fostering or adoption is not for you or difficult.But you want a man to be acceptable.I get it and wish I had not felt the same as I would have been an ok single mum after all.You do need money for reproductive technology of course but perhaps your mean brother might be persuaded.Whatever happens do not waste your time with the 39 year old and believe it or not not all men want to have kids and women should really stop beating themselves up about their fertility or not.There are many unhappy people with marriage and kids but they are accepted and that is what we all tend to crave rightly or wrongly.
I am not sure what else to say at present but will come back if anything comes to mind.Maybe review your skills and go on a course or see if you could live with a relative or friend and share costs.But first of all start with thinking outside the box.I am not going to say love yourself or care for yourself because it is hard for some people and society is bloody bloody cruel and the pronatalist culture is quite evil in many ways….people who do not have kids are less well thought of and mocked in some societies and yet there is terrible cruelty to children and unhappy parents.but start with withdrawing your attention from this man and do not make assumptions about what men want.June 14, 2019 at 6:41 am #299109
Thank you so much. I have been interviewing. Hopefully I will get something. We all tend to crave a partner / children and I know the 39 year old does too. Both his brothers have children and he wants one as well. And a happy relationship. I don’t keep in touch with him. I reply if he texts but don’t bother him. I won’t make assumptions about what men want but I find myself far too vulnerable right now to seek anyone. Without a job, I don’t seem to present myself as a person accurately. And most people try to take advantage.
Form what advice Anita and you have given me, i’ll Spend the summer finding work and going on. I don’t need to date. I didn’t date in 2016 or 2017 but I obviously didn’t learn my lessons and that is to treat myself well. And not be taken advantage of. I’ll focus on being stronger and getting through life. If I am a lesser person as I don’t have a child, fair enough. It just didn’t happen to me. Someone like me isn’t very lucky in life but we’ll add value in some way. I just don’t know how! Thank you for your advice. I am very grateful.July 2, 2019 at 6:42 am #301753
Hope you are well. So I stopped initiating contact with the 39 year old and he just asked if I had any mates I’d introduce him to. I said no. His preference is eastern european women. It made me so sad that I spent a year being his mate, being nice to him for him to not even value anything I bring to the table. What did I do wrong? I am just a decent human being – I care, I am affectionate. When he would travel, he would text me all the time as he was alone. He told me about his parents, his family and I believed that he liked me. No decent man would ever ask a woman to know her friends for a date. but he did today. And somehow that completely broke my heart. Why didnt I see these signs earlier on? I have low self esteem and I am working on it but why are people so cruel? If he wasnt interested in me, why string me along? for a year? Cos it was convenient. Why is my heart broken? I dont know… Thank you for your advice.July 2, 2019 at 6:59 am #301755
I am fine, thank you and I hope you feel better soon.
Is it at all possible that this man had no idea all this time that you were interested in him as a monogamous life partner, and he was under the false impression that you were okay with the relationship as it was, meaning no commitment on his part, aka friends-with-benefits arrangement?
anitaJuly 2, 2019 at 7:06 am #301757MarkParticipant
Good that you have the self awareness to know that you have low self esteem and that you are working on it.
You feel betrayed that you have spent on this time and emotional energy into a man who did not appreciate that or you.
I offer that you were expending all this energy more from your desire to be liked. This is what you learned in order to be considered caring and decent. I believe those are great qualities but there is that part of discernment and judgement on how and with who to share that with. You set yourself up to be a victim. Consider this a learning experience and look back on when you should have cut him off. Look at his behavior and see what red flags you have missed. Try sitting down with a piece of paper and write down the chronology of this relationship. Bring all those learnings to give yourself wisdom for the next time.
Wishing you gentle healing,
MarkJuly 2, 2019 at 7:07 am #301759
I was honest in July when we met for the first time. I said I needed a partner, a proper man in my life. I had lived alone fro 5 years and was divorced for 2 years. He knew what I wanted. And thats when he sent pictures. Talked more about his family. i was clear about my needs. he wasnt honest about his. And I dont know why that happens to me. Is it cos I dont ask? I dont question. I am not clingy and a pest and treat the man like an adult?July 2, 2019 at 7:36 am #301765
Thank you so much. I am actively looking for a job and hope to find one soon. I know when I should have cut him off. When I wanted to go to a concert, had two tickets and had noone to go with and he made his excuses. It was one evening and he is an active concert goer as well but didnt want to be seen with me. That was my red flag in December last year. And I will remember that with every person I meet in future. Thank you so much – I will try and learn from this and I’m very grateful.July 2, 2019 at 7:37 am #301767
You told him what you were looking for at the very beginning, “a partner, a proper man in my life”, he replied to you but, as you wrote last month, “he wants a sexual relationship but nothing more”.
Lots of men want sexual relationships and nothing more but they don’t tell a woman this simple fact because she may not have sex with the man unless hoping for a relationship beyond sex, so .. many of those men lie, pretend, make vague statements that could be interpreted as more, on purpose, so to motivate the woman to continue a sexual relationship. Many men will pursue a woman, she says no, but they keep pursuing until she says yes, or accommodates the man sexually with a yes or without a yes.
In some cultures, this behavior is the norm.
In other words, it is very possible that his behavior is not an indication of anything about you other than the fact that you didn’t give him trouble as he proceeded to have what he wanted.
Once you told him what you wanted, a life partner, better not leave it up to him to make what you want come true. Stay in control of what is happening: get to know him without sex, see to it that he is interested in introducing you to his family and friends, see to it that he takes you out to dates, that he asks you questions, wanting to get to know you better, etc.
Can’t trust a man you meet to take what you told him seriously and decide for you. So I would say that what happened is a combination of the man not being honest with you, dismissing what you told him that you wanted and you letting him be in charge, making the choices for you, deciding single handedly what the relationship will be like.
anitaJuly 2, 2019 at 8:52 am #301795
That makes so much sense and thank you so much. I let him make the decisions and I did suggest dates but he turned them down. I should have realised then. I should have stopped when he didnt pay heed to what I said. I’m glad I stopped contact and then he behaved the way he did. I did that thanks to you . Thank you so much.July 2, 2019 at 9:10 am #301799
You are very welcome. If you take charge of your life, if you believe that you can make things happen, you will “find the energy to go on”-
– it is a bad policy, one that I exercised myself, to let others choose for you, to suggest to others and wait for their decision. It led to me wasting a whole lot of my time and all of my youth.
It is not too late for you to practice this new way of life, being in charge of your life.
Being in charge does not mean you will achieve anything and everything that you want in life but it does mean that you will achieve some things, and encouraged, you will have a reason and a motivation to get up in the morning of a new day and make it better than the day before.
anitaJuly 9, 2019 at 2:30 pm #302645
I thought I would give you an update.. so the friend with benefits – I was quiet and didn’t chat and he came home to tell me that he values the friendship and though he is single, he likes chatting with me and being a mate. So I’ve left it there. I like him more than he likes me but there is no point in me hoping for anything.
My mum is going to visit for 2 months and I still haven’t gone back to work but I have interviews. I have managed to stop communicating with many toxic people but I still feel sad and lonely. I wanted to stop dating till I found a job and till mum left. What do I do about my overwhelming feeling of sadness? About being alone? Will that change when I meet a man or should I resolve my feelings and prepare to be alone in my 40s? And for life? I’ve never been in love with anyone. Will someone love me one day? Or is that a foolish thing to think?July 9, 2019 at 5:07 pm #302659
I am glad you posted again today, and I will read and reply to your recent post when I am back to the computer in about 12 hours from now. You can post again, if you want, anytime before I am back.
anitaJuly 10, 2019 at 6:49 am #302723
“the friend with benefits- .. he came home to tell me that he values the friendship .. So I’ve left it there”- I don’t understand: by leaving it there, do you mean that you are still giving him sexual benefits (“friend with benefits“)?
I wonder how you feel about your mother visiting you for two months, that is a long time. I wonder how you will be spending the time with her…?
“What do I do about my overwhelming feeling of sadness? About being alone? Will that change when I meet a man or should I resolve my feelings and prepare to be alone in my 40s? And for life? .. Will someone love me one day? Or is that a foolish thing to think?”-
My answers: It is not foolish for you to think that a man will love you one day…. but you have to not act foolishly so that a man will indeed love you one day:
– If a man will not date you in public and want to see you only in your flat or his, do not agree to it.
– If a man disregards what you tell him that you want, says okay maybe, but then behaves not according to that okay, do not continue with him.
– Do not meet one man and figure: this-is-the-one, I have to settle with this one. No, meet a dozen or more men (online dating I am thinking) and interview each one, in a casual way, ask questions, figure out the man’s values, motivations and plans, see if you approve of those and if there is a match. Do so in a series of casual interviews/ first dates in a public place, such as a coffee shop, a restaurant, or one of those beautiful London parks.
No need for you to resolve to being alone for the rest of your 40s or for life- because there are men out there who are as sad and lonely as you are, and a few of them are decent people, trustworthy. Got to locate just one of those.
About your overwhelming sadness, tell me more about it, will you?
anitaJuly 10, 2019 at 8:46 am #302743
no, the sexual relationship has stopped and with my mum being here, I won’t date either. I wanted a break anyways as I need to go to work first.
My mum stays with me 4 months in a year. As an asian woman, I look after my mum as much as my brother does. Though he has more resources to do so. I take mum out, watch films, we go on trips together too. I’m planning to take her to Lille and to Liverpool this year if I can. I get along with my mum though it’s a long time. I agree.. my mum is the only parent I have. Despite anything I feel, I should do my duty.
The last year, I have tried online dating. In fact, I met the 39 year old through online dating. Many others were ok but we didn’t click beyond a certain point either owing to children, way of life, beliefs or just laziness from their part. I have stopped online dating since june 1 and decided to go back to it once mum leaves.
The overwhelming sadness is how my life has turned out. I don’t have a child, I don’t even have a partner… the last year I have dated but I can’t seem to find anyone who genuinely wants to be friends and see how we get on. Everyone is in a hurry. I’m a decent, genuine, affectionate woman. Yet I have nothing in life..July 10, 2019 at 9:30 am #302749
I am glad the sexual part of the relationship with this man stopped. When you do resume online dating, after your mother leaves, better do it in a different way, the way I suggested. I know of the … imagined duty we have as adults to our parents, and I suppose we do have a duty to see to it that they are housed and fed, in case that they are not.
But if they loved us well when we were children and we grew up to be thriving adults, then we will do a whole lot for them later in life not because of a sense of duty, but because we love them back.
Regarding you being “a decent, genuine, affectionate woman. Yet.. have nothing in life”-
– there is noentity sitting above in the sky watching us and taking notes: this person is decent, I will give her a good life, a good husband and a child… this person is not decent, therefore I will give her a lonely, childless life.
No one is watching us taking notes and rewarding us for the good behaviors.
We have to live wisely, to choose wisely, to evaluate and reconsider and make changes where changes need to be made. We can’t make just anything we want happen to us, but we do have some power to live a better life.
“Yet I have nothing in life”- but you do have life, for now. And so do I, thousands of miles away from you, typing these very words. We think, we feel, we communicate.
How do you feel about your mother’s visit to come: any excitement, or is it something you just have to do, feeling that you have no choice on the matter… how did it feel for you before, her previous long visits with you?
- This reply was modified 12 months ago by anita.