July 10, 2019 at 9:56 am #302755
I understand what you say. I’ve tried to make the right choices in life. Choose from the options I had. I used to fear living alone after my dad died. But I live alone now. For extended periods of time and that is life. I have accepted it.
My mum’s visits are fine. We get along.. I love her as a person but I feel she explains everything away as karma or something better will happen one day. I have lost a lot in life and I was never valued personally for anything I brought to the table. My ex husband said i’m The best woman anyone can meet but what’s the point of that?
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I need to look after my mum but she is the only family who visits me. It gives me some sense of belonging in an otherwise lonely existence. I like being there for my mum. She was here December – February which is nice too. I might to go to India in December and spend time again but I don’t like going to India. I don’t fit in and it’s not my favourite thing to do. But we’ll see…</p>July 10, 2019 at 10:11 am #302761
Maybe this is why you’ve been puzzled about being a decent person and yet not having been rewarded with a good life- Karma, your mother believes in Karma, lots of people in India and elsewhere believe in Karma.
If Karma states that doing good for others will lead to having a good life, it is clearly not the true. Maybe if we do good for others and for ourselves, then we will live a good life. Ourselves first, we have to think of our own well being first, before thinking of others (in most life circumstances).
Because you don’t like going to India, I hope you don’t. You like having your mother with you, then I hope you have a good time with her.
July 10, 2019 at 10:17 am #302765
- This reply was modified 5 months ago by anita.
Thank you Anita. I don’t believe in a good life anymore. I just want to get by and try and feel happy once in a while. I carry a lot of baggage – about how i’ve Been treated, the things that I never had in life. But it hasn’t made me a bitter person. I’m probably not very positive and proactive. Ever since I wrote to you, I have tried to think of what would make me happy and remove all the toxic people and situations from my life. I’ll continue to do that. And hope for the best.
Thank you so much. My mum is here till the end of September and arrives next week. I hope to try and find some strength.July 10, 2019 at 10:44 am #302767
You are welcome. “feel happy once in a while” is all anyone can hope for, can’t feel happy all of the time. This is why -people invented heaven, a place where people (in a next, imagined life) are happy all of the time, non-stop happy. No one can be content all of the time either, Nirvana is another imagined life, if I understand it correctly, where calm is a permanent experience, all good.
Wealth, how about great wealth, owning many homes, a whole little town, or an island, all the material possessions possible, best vacations money can buy.. not even then is happiness or contentment possible all of the time. After all, each very rich person who goes to bed at night knows all can be lost before morning comes and no amount of money can protect him or her from… losing it all, anytime.
It helps to understand life better, as it is, to let go of ideas that are not true to reality.
I hope you do find the strength that you need, “the energy to go on”- it is amazing how… no mater how we feel, we still have that energy of life. Life is a very persistent form of energy, it is stubborn, resilient, creative… and yet, temporary.
anitaNovember 19, 2019 at 12:12 pm #323615
hope you are well. I wanted to let you know that I did find a job and I’ve started working a few weeks ago. It may not be perfect but it is a job. My health is struggling a little but I’m hoping I will be better in time. My mum is back in India. I keep thinking that I should give up my life here and go back to India. There is nothing there except my mum but I won’t be so alone. I’ve struggled to make my life here over the last 15 years with the divorce, job changes and feeling alone every time. I am 44 and will be 45 in 6 months. I don’t really have a life anywhere. What do I do? Should I go look after mum in India though I don’t want that? Or do I continue here – hoping that I will be with someone or lead some life but forever alone? Thank you. I had to speak to someone. Thank you for listening.November 19, 2019 at 12:22 pm #323621
Welcome back to your thread. I don’t think you should go live in India because you wrote it yourself: “I don’t want that”.
You are stuck right now, and have been stuck for a while, lonely and nothing exciting happening. We all have to have meaningful social connections (a must for us, being the social animals that we are!) and we have to have something exciting happening once in a while, something new and exciting.
Take care of these two things: some social connection and something exciting, not necessarily the most exciting, but somewhat exciting, and you will feel better, feeling alive again.
I will need to re-read your previous posts when I am better focused and reply further. Please add anything relevant to your struggle and I will reply to you later, either in a few hours or tomorrow morning (in about 18 hours from now).
anitaNovember 19, 2019 at 1:31 pm #323645
Thank you so much. I am trying to find that meaningful connection but it’s a struggle. However, I am trying. Thank you for replying. I am very grateful for what you do. Very grateful.November 19, 2019 at 2:02 pm #323653
You are very welcome. I will soon be away from the computer and back to your thread in about 16 hours from now. Feel free to add anything you want to add before I return to you.
anitaNovember 19, 2019 at 2:19 pm #323661
I know you said I must go on and I do. But some days are so lonely and so much harder. Work is busy and it’s a new kind of job in my industry but they want me in the job and I’m doing it. It’s the only job I got after 11 months of being unemployed and it involves travel that I don’t like but I have no choice. Mum is having her teeth removed to put in false teeth at 70 and she is doing it alone. I feel very guilty that I am not there. What am I doing here? Going to work and earning money and being alone. I could just as well be in India and atleast look after her. I feel very alone but I know that so many people are. I have put my profile on a dating site but there are some useless people and I don’t want to be with just about anyone who’ll take advantage of a vulnerable woman. I have a few health issues but I don’t want to go to the doctor. I want to see if I can heal. It feels like inflammation in my body and stress. I would hate India and I have no life, no value there. But it’s where my mum lives. Isn’t it my duty to look after her? Why am I here? All alone and earning money for nothing. I feel I’ve been at the crossroads for a long time. My mom had 2 children and a husband at my age and didn’t think as much. But I feel guilty. She also relies on me to talk to her everyday which I do. I don’t know how to take my life forward. I am trying. And staying positive but I don’t know what to do… my heart breaks and I cry a lot…November 20, 2019 at 9:42 am #323749
I just re-read all your posts. Here is my input this morning:
1. I suggest that you see a doctor in the next few days for the inflammation/ health issues you mentioned. After you take care of that, get into a daily exercise routine that will fit your health situation. Join a gym perhaps (there are gym rooms in hotels while you travel for work), attend yoga classes, swimming perhaps, some weight lifting in the weight room, other exercise.
2. Your mother is having all her teeth removed and false teeth put in- a painful and uncomfortable experience- but it will be as painful and uncomfortable for her whether you are there with her or not, as long as she has the necessary help that she needs there. If you are in India with her, her old teeth and gums will not heal and she will not grow younger, healthier and stronger. She will still need her teeth removed and it will still be painful and uncomfortable for her to get used to the false teeth.
3. You expressed a belief that a childless woman is a lesser woman and I strongly disagree. A childless woman of any age is way superior to a woman who treats her children badly (and there are plenty of such mothers). And a childless woman is not inferior to any woman who is a mother.
You have the freedom and responsibility to choose what beliefs promoted by your (or any) is true and valuable and what is not. Also, you have the freedom to not live in India or anywhere most people believe that a woman is worthless if she is unmarried and not a mother.
4. I hope you are not seeing that friends with benefits 39 or 40 year old man who didn’t take you out, wouldn’t be seen with you in public, and asked you to introduce to him Eastern European women. This is a humiliating kind of an arrangement and you indicated yourself that he was taking advantage of you and was cruel to you. I understand that you suffer from a low self esteem (much of it because of what I mentioned in #3), but the arrangement with that man will keep you in that low esteem state of mind and life.
5. Congratulations for the new job. Focus on doing a good job, excelling in it. As you make money, save it and plan to use it for your own benefit, for your future. You don’t have family to look after you and take care of you now or when you get older. So use your money accordingly.
6. You wrote earlier in the year that you might go back to dating sites once you are employed again. If you do, take a proactive approach. Don’t tell a man what you need and then leave it up to him. Instead, be in charge and stay in charge, not passive. See to it from the beginning that the man’s interest is clearly to not have children.
You repeated in your posts this point: “I’m a decent, genuine, affectionate woman. Yet I have nothing in life”-
– you cant have much of a life if you are not decent, genuine and affectionate in the ways you treat yourself and in the ways you demand that others treat you if they want you in their lives!
November 20, 2019 at 11:10 am #323763
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by anita.
Thank you for the advice Anita. And I appreciate the time taken to do it.
1- I am travelling the next two weeks. I’ll come back and find time with the GP. I’m going to cold Stockholm. And I don’t like travelling or the cold but no choice. I have a gym membership and did go even last month . This month, my work hours are long and I am unable to go but I will go again soon.
2 – mum is doing ok for now. She has no one in the city that we used to live in. I worry about her like she was my child. She is all I have but I don’t know what else to do.
3 – I find myself very alone and sad that I don’t have a child. It just didn’t happen to me. Some of us are meant to lead lives like mine. I have accepted it thought I am still allowed to grieve.
4 – no, I’m not seeing him. He still chats at times but I don’t want to meet him. He knows how I feel and still texts me but he now wants children as his brother had a baby. I encouraged him to move on and find a woman to be with.
5- thank you. I am aware that I am very alone and that no one is around to look after me. Even on a day like today when I’m very tired, hungry and going home in the cold. And crying as I write this on the train. There is nothing and no one. It’s been that way since 2013. Even the GP says all my stress will go away when I am not so lonely.
6 – I have mentioned that I am divorced with no kids and I am 44. I’m sure most men know that I can’t have children.
thank you for being kind towards me. I am fairly invisible and it won’t even matter if I’m not around one day. To anyone. I just feel sad that it’s all my life is worth. In the end, that’s all it is. This year has made me realise how invisible I am. And it’s made me aware how no one really cares. But I’ll go on. As long as I can. And hope that I’m able to find some happiness. Thank you for being kind and for writing to me and giving me advice.November 20, 2019 at 12:03 pm #323775
You are welcome. I appreciate you being as gracious as you always have been toward me and other members who responded to you, appreciative and kind.
I understand that you are still grieving not having taken the traditional course of life: one lasting marriage and children, living perhaps near extended family. You find yourself living alone in the UK away from a country you don’t want to return to, a certain kind of limbo: not here, not there.
We are social animals, really it is impossible to be content alone and lonely. We crave social connections and thrive in one that is safe and reliable, one we can count on.
My goodness, Stockholm is even colder than the UK, isn’t it? What is your favorite weather- if you could live anywhere in the world, where would you choose to live?
anitaNovember 20, 2019 at 12:14 pm #323777
i am always kind and gracious even in adversity. It’s how I was raised and how I am as a person. I don’t feel envious of others but I do feel sad at how my life has turned out. I guess that’s all it ever is
Stockholm is colder than the UK. And I’ve bought a warmer hat and gloves. And even clothes. I have to travel for work as the head office is in stockholm. If I could choose anywhere to live, it would be where I live. In the UK. Near London. I like living here though I am so alone. And that surely says something about how I view life. If my life works here, then I am in the perfect place for me.November 20, 2019 at 12:25 pm #323783
Than staying in the UK (not moving back to India) is what you should do. It so happens that I don’t have children either, only I never really wanted to have children. Because my experience of childhood was so unhappy, I didn’t want to bring children into a world I perceived to be unhappy. Interestingly, at your age I too was divorced twice. And my one and only healthy marriage took place when I was five years older than you. I say, there is a chance for you too, to have a healthy loving marriage. It is not too late.
anitaNovember 20, 2019 at 12:33 pm #323787
Thank you for giving me hope. I see all the young ones happy and I wonder why that never happened to me. But sometimes things don’t happen to many of us. I guess I don’t meet people like that.
You are an absolute angel and may god bless you. You have been my voice of reason for so long and I thank you. I can’t talk about my situation to many others. Thank you for what you do. And thank you for being there for me and giving me hope.