Forum Replies Created
October 23, 2016 at 10:07 pm in reply to: I think I am losing it #118790
Dear jock and anita,
Thanks for your replies. I have been very busy at work and didn’t get a chance to check the forums back again. With this particular issue, my team told me that it was fine since we had not finalized the whole analysis. A similar situation arose last week, but I wasn’t as anxious. I don’t like the way things are done out here and that adds to a lot of anxiety and frustration.
@anita – it is possible that as a child I did not receive the support that I needed. However, that’s in the past and I need to be responsible for how I feel now. I’m not sure I would blame my mom for this. She did the best that she could do. It doesn’t help me in my current situation. I think my health may also be affecting my anxiety.
Thanks again for your replies. It’s good to know that this is a safe place to look for support.May 12, 2016 at 7:56 am in reply to: Resentment Vs Self-Care #104338
I’m sorry I haven’t been able to reply. I’ve been experiencing extreme fatigue all week and haven’t got around to this site. I totally understand what you are saying and I appreciate that you pointed it out. It’s not that you made me feel bad, it’s just my judgment of me.
I do value your feedback and hope to get more of it in the future.
Thanks.May 4, 2016 at 10:21 am in reply to: Resentment Vs Self-Care #103556
I am so sorry that I made you feel this way. I just feel really bad that I made you feel this way. It wasn’t my intention at all. I do appreciate that you always respond to my posts here and are always very supportive. When you wrote about your loneliness and depression, I thought I am not the only one to go through this and there are other people as well. It gave me a sense of how universal these feelings are.
I feel so bad right now like I’m a horrible person. Sometimes, I feel I’m not a good person and that everyone must hate me. I’m not sure all my interactions like the ones above. Also, most of them happen on instant messaging. I don’t really have a life in the real world.
Again, I am so sorry about making you feel unacknowledged. 🙁May 3, 2016 at 8:24 pm in reply to: Resentment Vs Self-Care #103510
Go ahead.May 3, 2016 at 6:06 am in reply to: Resentment Vs Self-Care #103442
My hypothetical relationship would be warm, affectionate, empathetic, someone I won’t have to keep explaining why I didn’t like or like something, someone who is emotionally intimate and shares their stuff with me.May 2, 2016 at 8:16 pm in reply to: Resentment Vs Self-Care #103422
Yes, it seems to be the case. One of my friends does empathize, but it’s been a rough ride with her as well. We have very different preferences and personalities. At times, I have felt she didn’t think I was cool enough or I was strange because I am different from her. For a while, she wouldn’t return my calls or messages. She would be very indirect about herself and even when I asked direct questions about her life, she wouldn’t tell me things. I would find those out later and I felt hurt at being ignored. She was the one to empathize this week and make me feel slightly better by making me think about what I really wanted.May 2, 2016 at 10:21 am in reply to: Resentment Vs Self-Care #103384
What I feel sad about is that people do not acknowledge my emotional pain. I have friends who say but you are better off than so many. You don’t have to take care of so many things. It’s like I am not allowed to feel unhappy and lonely because I am better off than others. Am I not allowed to have negative feelings? Agreed, that in the recent past, the negative feelings have outweighed the positive ones, but things haven’t really gone my way and I feel anxious. I am unable to control my anxiety. It is hurtful and I have decided to cut down on interacting with these people.May 2, 2016 at 10:17 am in reply to: Resentment Vs Self-Care #103382
Yes, I do feel hopeless and despair over my situations. I’m tired of working hard and not seeing results. I am taking medicines for my iron, Vit-D and hypothyroidism. My asthma is seasonal but I’m doing whatever I can.
I have the chance to move out of my country within my organization, but I am not keen on the work content or the position that is being offered to me. It will offer me cleaner air, but again, it will seem like not speaking my truth. I will try and negotiate with my company, but if they don’t give me what I think is fair to me, I will just stay where I am and quit my job. It’s not like the move will be permanent and I’ll be sucked into something that I don’t like again. I felt a sense of relief when I made this decision, but now also feel a tinge of fear that I will make the wrong decision. I may never get another chance to raise my standard of living. I guess it’s a risk either way and being undervalued will also make me feel bad about myself.May 1, 2016 at 10:23 am in reply to: Resentment Vs Self-Care #103253
I have had seasonal asthma since I was 10. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism in 2014. It’s because of an autoimmune disease. I gained weight because of that. Then last year when my asthma season was on, I had a side effect to my inhaler. I didn’t know it at the time, but I do now. It led to a lot of fatigue, brain fog, lack of concentration, anxiety, depression, irritability. I feel I am 50% as productive as I used to be. I also gained weight which resulted in half of my wardrobe not fitting me anymore. I also have an iron deficiency, Vit D deficiency. I sleep for 7- 8 hours but never wake up feeling rested. This has been the case for the last 11 years. These things are just getting worse.
I have lived away from my parents and I do prefer it. But, I need a new job or to get married to move out. Neither of those are happening and those seem to be more of a problem. As for my part, I don’t really help around at home. We have a part-time domestic helper, but I don’t take care of any other tasks. My parents are the ones who spend money as well, they won’t take it from me because I am their baby and it’s all my money anyways.
When I say speaking my truth, I mean taking decisions that I want to do rather than what seems like the right thing to do. In my country, we need to pick our future career at the age of 15. My school had rules based on grades and I ended up getting something that I didn’t know much about. I wasn’t very certain what I wanted to do. I wanted to do research but my family said it wasn’t a worthwhile career. Then after high school, I again picked something that I thought was the next logical step. Same goes for my graduate school. I tried to switch to something else but I wasn’t able to get into the top schools. I only wanted to go to the top schools and did not apply anywhere else. When I started working, I didn’t enjoy the work or the work timings, so I quit without another job in hand. It took me 6 months to get another one that I thought I would like. But, it wasn’t the right place for me. That company shut down and I tried to find another job. I found one but turned it down the day before I was supposed to join because I was verbally offered something else. That offer also was taken away and I joined one of their other divisions, at a much lower level than where I should be and on a contract basis. It was the only job I had in hand, so I took it up. It was a good place to be, but I felt strange because I was much older than my peers and seemed behind them. I decided to go back to school and majored in something that turned out to be an incorrect decision. I had too much work experience for the kind of jobs in the market or they needed a PhD. I applied for jobs but got the only job that I didn’t want. I could make out in the interviews that the work environment wasn’t conducive and it did turn out to be toxic. I was also not very interested in the work content. I am still in the same job and unable to switch to another one. My health hasn’t permitted me to look very actively for one. It also broke my heart to not be able to find something that I wanted.April 30, 2016 at 9:21 pm in reply to: Resentment Vs Self-Care #103220
As a child I wasn’t depressed. I don’t know if my parents had a role to play in this. I didn’t think it was different, because I didn’t know what it was like in other homes. I didn’t have a lot of friends and that probably made me sad, but I was close to my older brother.
I don’t prefer living with my parents, but that is not really what keeps me stuck in anxiety and depression. I haven’t had a career really. I’ve had a hard time looking for jobs, getting stable jobs or jobs that I liked at all. I’ve had jobs but not a career. In my personal life also, I haven’t had any relationships and I’ve been going on just first dates that didn’t convert into anything. I try hard and for a while it seems like things are moving forward but then I go back to where I started. It’s like I’m on these 2 year loops. It’s these things that keep me stuck.
Now, I’m trying to find another job but haven’t been able to find something I will like somewhat. I had a side effect to a medication last year and my health took a turn leaving me so fatigued that I haven’t been able to actively look for a job. There is also this high level of apathy and lack of confidence. I don’t even know what I want to do anymore. My health/situation has left me feeling sad, angry and irritated at the same time. I have the option to move to another country within my company, but I really dislike my work content and I feel I am not being compensated as per my experience and qualifications. I’m in two minds whether to accept it. I was very miserable when I was in that situation 2 years ago.
I really need a holiday but I’ll have to go with my parents because I don’t have friends who would go. It’s not safe for girls to travel in my country alone. The new friends I made are getting on my nerves and I can’t stand them anymore.
It just seems like no matter where I turn, I will have to keep putting up with things that I don’t want. This is what made my health bad – being stuck in life and not speaking my truth.April 25, 2016 at 8:29 pm in reply to: Resentment Vs Self-Care #102754
I don’t have high expectations of my friends anymore. I just want to be able to relate to them and have a good time. It’s always been hard for me to make friends since I was little. I don’t have much to talk about with people and there are lots of things not going right for me that it’s hard to not come out even if I try. If I say, I’m not happy with my job situation, so I’m not able to focus on a couple of other things right now, they start giving unsolicited advice and I keep saying that won’t work because of so and so reason. At the end of the conversation it all comes out. I didn’t mean to give them specifics. The friend who was trying to help with the shopping for pants, is someone I can’t relate to on many other topics as well. I do want to limit my interaction with her because of that. I don’t come out of our interactions feeling joyful. I know I am always anxious, it’s always lurking below the surface. I wouldn’t even know how to find a competent therapist. I’ve tried therapy twice and it helped only 5%.
But, the situations I’m talking about happened more than a decade ago and I’m wondering if by remembering how I was hurt, I’m being resentful.April 25, 2016 at 10:21 am in reply to: Resentment Vs Self-Care #102694
The one person who comes most to my mind is this friend from my school. We were good friends and almost inseparable. Suddenly, her attitude changed. When I used to call her, she would say she is busy. Once we were working on a group project, when she had to go to her sister’s birthday. That night she called me to talk about the project and asked me to take down notes which I should type out and email to another team member. It was late at night and I was about to go to bed. I asked her to directly call the other team member and give him the notes. It seemed more efficient that way. She said there was already a lot on this other team member’s plate and others had to contribute as well. I said I did sent material, but didn’t get feedback from the rest of the group. She said all my contribution was useless. I felt bad and told her that it wasn’t useless and she could directly talk to the other team member. After that, she didn’t talk to me at all. I telephoned her and she pinned it down to this incident. She said things would be back to normal now, but they weren’t. Then I realized, her behaviour had been different since before this incident as well. A lot of times after that, I saw her give me angry stares. Over the summer, we met to celebrate a classmate’s birthday and she gave me a very angry stare and didn’t even greet me. I felt bad and thought something was wrong with me and it was my fault. At the end of the summer, she started talking again, but I didn’t want to talk to her as I felt she didn’t treat me right. We met at school events after graduated, but never had that intimate relationship that we once had. We were Facebook friends, but then last year she had liked one of my pics, and I felt annoyed that she could see my private moments, so I unfriended her. No one else acknowledged that I was hurt and that my feelings were valid. I spoke to a mutual classmate last year and expressed my displeasure at her behaviour when we were in school. I think this came up because he was talking about her.
Other incidents have been when I felt hurt because my friends didn’t share important information with me – like moving back to my city etc. when I shared a lot of my private stuff. I felt I was looking out for this particular one and I had helped her a little with her job search. Next thing I knew, I found out from someone else who found out from someone else about her major career move. I had shared my hurt with another friend and he inadvertently let it slip out to her. She wrote me an angry email and we had an argument. She called me judgemental, and that my priorities were wrong in life which lead to my depression. I also told her that she was very insecure. I have reached out to her and we might meet this week, but it will be very awkward. I thought we were good friends, but this was one-sided.
There are other similar examples.April 25, 2016 at 7:58 am in reply to: Resentment Vs Self-Care #102680
I don’t feel powerless. In some cases, it has been more than a decade. If I meet these people again, I will be civil, but would not want an intimate relation with them.March 28, 2016 at 9:19 am in reply to: How to Overcome the Urge to Vent #100268
Yes, it was like that growing up. I always felt I had to be someone different to be accepted. Not just by my family, but also at school and work.March 28, 2016 at 8:55 am in reply to: How to Overcome the Urge to Vent #100261
Yes, anita, that is why I was annoyed. More because of the second reason today. It’s not the first time and I don’t see what’s so hard to understand because we don’t have the same size. Not sure why she wouldn’t get that I don’t get my size at any of the stores she mentioned. I replied with a fairly terse comment saying she didn’t know what slim fit pants or straight fit pants are. It gets on my nerves when other people try to fix their version of me on me.
Inky, I have a friend too who complains all the time. That is another thing I need to deal with.