Kirk,
You said – “The note is partly true, I don’t want to be HER father.” I couldn’t agree with you more! Her behaviors and choices seem as others have said: immature. And, being a nice-happy guy, wanting to do the right thing…you have inadvertently become an enabler. I do believe you have pulled it together and started making some better choices however. Example, telling her you refused to drive her to work that Monday. The consequences or result of that action seem very telling of your wife’s state of being – she wrote a note, and called into question your interest in being a father. No mention it seems of questioning your interest in being a good husband, provider, friend or person. She intended for you to feel hurt, obviously…generally a choice made when a person feels hurt themselves. And the mention of “father” is telling – she feels hurt perhaps by her choice to be a mother. Just a guess!

My summation of this all – she is young, she didn’t realize how much would be involved in being married, keeping a house, helping provide, being a wife and a mom too. She seeks opportunities to escape it all and also avoids anything that imparts responsibility on her part.

You seem like a caring, bright, hardworking, sensible guy…but it does take two to dance. In this case, I hope the best for you and do hope counseling helps…but my heart + mind in sync say this: it’s time for you to find a new dance partner! While you are at it, make sure you seek full custody of your child while giving her rights to spend time with the child. Your son will need stability of same home, same bed, predictable schedule – food – clothing – shelter that it seems only you can provide…not to mention, her record with driving and adult responsibility (i.e. court appearances missed, suspended license) seem indicative of someone who I would think is risky to be the primary parent/custodian.

Release her and yourself is what my intuition tells me. Your son will see you stronger, happier, and more whole and will be just fine…just make sure his momma has time with him too – limited time perhaps until she can exhibit more dependable, mature behaviors and choices.

Sorry, wish I could jump in and say “stick with it” but this just seems like it is time to choose a new dance partner!

Wishing you all the best,
Bebedough (Midwestern USA)

My heart breaks for you…between the feeling/sensing, watching, confronting, not knowing, trying to trust when your gut says “no, don’t” is all very hard. I am right there in lock-step with you, going through things not entirely the same but the feelings are the same for sure.

I like what @evanc said, “how important it is to listen to yourself.” I am a firm believer in listening to your inner voice, your gut, your heart…but be smart and use your mind too. Both must get in sync for you to move forward, with or without “P”.

A general thought: We are all outliving pior generation’s life expectancies and as a result, are having to learn how to keep our intimate/married or otherwise relationships healthy for far longer than those prior generations…just think, in the last 100 years humans have advanced our life expectancy by 40+ years – most now live to 80+ years of age. So, what used to be a 15-25-max 50 year marriage is lasting far longer. 20 years is a long time to be monogamous – surely you know that relationships evolve, going through phases of togetherness and apartness…right now, you may be more apart than together. Sure you may be sharing space and friends, but perhaps right now is a cycle in which intimacy (sexually and mentally) is not topmost for him, meanwhile your hormones are probably in overdrive as you may be heading into pre-menopause…a time when most feel uber-confident with their inner tigress. (Note, if he is agreeable to your advances, keep them up…keep him happy physically and yourself too!) Read this: http://goop.com/conscious-uncoupling-2/

Just think: How long you have been together and how much longer you may remain together. Wouldn’t it be far greater to see those years strong and happy…for you, for him, for you both? Would he be on board with this? You said some lovely things about him which seem worth focusing on as a basis to build from: ” I love my partner so very much- he’s calm and hardly ever angers, he doesn’t belittle, he’s really good company and great to talk with (when he’s not tired) he’s caring – not so much with words but he still is, he’s a great provider and very intelligent.” Now that’s something – a lot more than most can maybe say of their partner/spouse of 20 years! Would he be willing to go to counseling together with the arrangement that you are both doing it together to learn more about each other, to grow stronger, to gain skills to help each other and to get on to your golden years together?

About your suspicions…
I did say “listen to your inner voice, your gut” – I meant it. Intuition is a STRONG and worthy thing. But as I re-read your initial comments, my opinion as an outsider is this…he is carrying guilt, yes. He is hiding something, yes. He seems to not wan to upset, harm, or lose you – enough that he is willing to behave in an erratic manner and even lie or conceal. Everyone has a vice or two…for him it is smoking, right? That is not horrible – there could be worse things. (Kids will either learn to do or not do, because of what they saw or didn’t see a parent/person do. Seeing him smoke might cause them to never want to do so. And, seeing him smoke might cause kids to say “Daddy please don’t!”) This rental near his workplace – maybe he just needs to escape, to think, to recharge batteries to be a better partner and dad? Not that it is a right or best choice if so, but it may be innocent.

Try to get to the root of your global differences as a starting point…
You mentioned reference to his being from another country/culture (if I understood right?)…it would be good to think about his cultural differences from your own, and otherwise, do take time to consider his upbringing – for example, was he perhaps told or was it modeled that something like your child washing legs off was perhaps less important than getting in for dinner on time, and a quick cover-up was deemed acceptable by the father to ensure the child did not offend the mother who had worked hard to prepare the meal? (seen this sort of pattern with some Eur-Asian cultures in child-rearing. What I am saying is, check yourself…consider all possibilities within reason and the very real possibility that perhaps you are also feeling off-kilter – his traveling, his slip back into smoking, his lack of immediate interest in marrying (why so important if he has already committed to living together, child-rearing, and being together 20 years? Honestly, marrying may add a new layer of issue you won’t really desire in the end, legally as much as the shift in mental and emotional connection and control that ensues.)

Ultimately, keep a journal of your thoughts, feelings, quotes, things that make you YOU and happy…NOT complaints about him or documentation of his actions! Then, perhaps you might seek out counseling just for yourself. A counselor is obviously a paid person to listen to you, without bias, helping you sort through the things that create concern for you…and help you find a clear path to travel along…whether together or apart from “P”.

I wish you all the best! Let us know how things go with an update, will you? Sending you an Om Shanti and many hugs!
-Bebedough (Midwestern, USA)

• This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Bebedough. Reason: Added reference link