hi anita, I keep coming  back to you for solace. This weekend I went on a trip with some friends, I thought it was gonna be the trip where I would let go and not think about him, but turned out I thought about him more than the past days, I was almost crushed by thoughts of him, most of them hurtful of course, him being with someone  else, me not finding  love and so on. I even teared up sometimes because of those thoughts and because I couldn’t stop them. When I let the thoughts go around  my head freely ir was worst, so in the end I didnt  know how to act around them and my trip became some  kind of nostalgic trip even though I never went there with him. It scares me that when I’m not working my thoughts just go back to him because I don’t want to think more about it, I’m tired of this, I’m not patient enough and maybe that’s what doesn’t  let me move on. I just want someone to tell me that I’m not obsessed, that it’s normal to be feeling  this way, it’s almost been 4 months since the break up and he is already over me but I’m still thinking about him, that also makes me so anxious, why am still having so many downs when I’m alone or not working? I really want to let him go, I know we won’t be together again, I have to get used to it because he is no good to me, I really want to forget these feelings I have and time just never moves fast enough.

True, but it is just so hard because i dont feel comfortable letting people see my insecurities, what people think I’m insecure about is what I let them see. I guess I’ve curated my life to let everyone see just the parts of  me that I want them too and when that doesn’t happen I retreat, I don’t go forward and just let the insecurity be seen and move on, I start overthinking it. And with my ex, he was the first person I ever let all my insecurities out and maybe that’s why I’m feeling restless, I let him see it all and he left, he didn’t  want to try and salvage the relationship, even when the conditions got better and he moved a city closer to mine, he still didn’t want to try. I know it’s not me, I can’t blame me for being me and he not being okay with it, but still it’s not letting me move forward, I opened up to him and let it all out and now that he left everything stayed outside for me to see and I’m just struggling to fix it all and go back to my fragile past state, I don’t know how to find this new me that will be over him and confident about being alone.

with my family I’ve always been accepted as I wanted to be, they even encouraged me to be different and to enjoy myself, and at school I was always the clown, it was always easier having people laugh at me than them knowing me and not wanting to be my friends, or that’s what I feel now when I think back to that time.

i guess i think about him dating someone new but not knowing if he really is makes me think that if I know that he is in fact doing it is going to feel worse than when I’m just thinking about it still doubting if he is or not.

And regarding the second issue, I guess I’ve never  been really true to myself, I’ve never had a boyfriend and I always thought I didn’t  need one, I never felt love or want for someone other than my ex, maybe i had some boys that i was kind of interested in but i could count maybe 2 or 3 in my entire  life. Right now after experiencing the ups and downs of being in an actual  relationship I think  I realize that I was living trying to avoid the fact that I don’t really interact  with people and that may be the reason I don’t have a boyfriend, because  I don’t have Male friends, it always has been hard for me maintaining friendships and I always thought  I just need my 5 best friends that I can share everything  with, I also think that my ex being the first person  that I felt like I could  be myself with without feeling  scared of judgment made me just obsesse about him, and even though before I was fine with just staying home and enjoying my loneliness, now I fear that being at home won’t  let me get away from feeling things for my ex, I don’t know if i want as happy with my life as a thought before and now I realize that, but I also I don’t  know how to be more truthful about  my interaction with people because I always feel like I’m fake when I meet someone new. I don’t know, it makes me sad that I thought I was ok being alone but I know now that I was just lying to myself instead of facing the truth: I also want someone to love and that loves me and that wants to stay with me and that feels that I’m worth fighting for.

Hi anita,

Just wanted to check in with you, still feel like i have to do it, i dont know why. I’ve had some break downs probably because I’m on my period and emotions just go crazy, but still I don’t like it. His presence it’s kind of slowly getting weaker but he is still there in my mind every day, like a shadow, I feel it like a dark cloud just waiting to rain on me. Right now I think I’m in the anger stage where I feel hate towards him, I feel like I hate him because he couldn’t be the man I thought he was, because I believed in him when I was so careful with men, I think I even pity myself because I was so happy thinking that I found someone that loved me for who I was but that ended up leaving me, while lying to me and I fell for those lies. I know the way to getting over someone its actually feeling nothing for them but I hate him now, I’m even wishing he has a bad relationship with someone new, because I want to be right, I want to feel like it wasn’t me the one who was broken or not enough, I want him to be at fault, his unstable emotions, his living, his aloofness with everything, him love bombing me and then telling me that he doesn’t want to try and fix our relationship. I know it’s not like that, that sometimes things don’t work, but it is really hard to get to the forgiveness stage, I feel like that is the last step to getting over him but damn it’s hard, I guess I still need more time.

No, she knows she can’t talk about him, and I told her I don’t want to see him on her social media at least until I get over him. there are 3 people in the apartment, my friend, her boyfriend and my ex. Talk about the universe fucking you up, my first break up and I have to already be the better person, usually people have the right to make mistakes and have a dramatic break up hating their exes and all of that, me? I have to be a grown up. I guess it is my fault for not having  a relationship when I had the age to fuck things up? I don’t know. Still it is a fucked up situation and sadly inevitable. I’m sorry for the rudeness.

Reality sucks, one of my friends its going through something similar right now, she had a ldr and the guy told her he doesn’t want to come back and told her he didn’t really think he loved her enough to do anything about their relationship, it hurts me that life is so cruel. I’m getting better at redirecting my thoughts about my ex but he is still there every time I’m not doing something, it’s really tiring to handle all the hurtful thoughts that come to me, I don’t see an end to it. And the first question was about it being ok for me not pursuing a new relationship or new experiences with other men because I’ve never been the kind to go out and kiss guys on parties or play around, I feel like if I start being like that now I wouldn’t be true to myself, besides I want my new relationship to be a serious one, I don’t like

it makes sense, I knew he was this way but I still decided to be with him because he thought he could change, i should have just ended it when it was time to live in different cities, but I guess I was too innocent and I thought that things would work out even after knowing all of that. I don’t  think I’ll be pursuing dating for now since I want to live in a different city next year and I don’t want this to happen again, I hope I’m not being to radical? I now this was a good  experience to learn so many things about myself, still hurts though, I hope I don’t become scared of loving. Being friends before partners would definitely be something that I’m gonna do when the opportunity arises. So I guess this means it’s ok to still be like what im used to be? not really connecting with men unless it’s someone I can be friends with?