No, she knows she can’t talk about him, and I told her I don’t want to see him on her social media at least until I get over him. there are 3 people in the apartment, my friend, her boyfriend and my ex. Talk about the universe fucking you up, my first break up and I have to already be the better person, usually people have the right to make mistakes and have a dramatic break up hating their exes and all of that, me? I have to be a grown up. I guess it is my fault for not having  a relationship when I had the age to fuck things up? I don’t know. Still it is a fucked up situation and sadly inevitable. I’m sorry for the rudeness.

Hi anita,

I have been doing kind of better these days, I’ve been  trying to get used to my single life, trying to forgive and forget, and doing new things that make me feel happy for that bit, but today something happened that completely threw me off my game, my ex tried to call me. I have him blocked from my phone but I know whenever he calls me because the damn phone still shows those calls even if it is a blocked number. I know he is just calling out of habit, he is friends with his exes and maybe he thinks we can be that so he is checking to see if I unblocked him, I know it doesn’t really mean anything more to him, but still I fear that i lose all the progress I’ve been doing because my head starts playing games with me and creating hope that doesn’t exist. I’m not over him at all, but at least now i know the pain or the missing won’t kill me, but I don’t want to miss the relationship we had forever, and this just turned on all the alarms. I can’t  or don’t want to talk about it with my friends because I’m trying to fake it til I make it so at least I want to let my worries out with someone.

i guess i think about him dating someone new but not knowing if he really is makes me think that if I know that he is in fact doing it is going to feel worse than when I’m just thinking about it still doubting if he is or not.

And regarding the second issue, I guess I’ve never  been really true to myself, I’ve never had a boyfriend and I always thought I didn’t  need one, I never felt love or want for someone other than my ex, maybe i had some boys that i was kind of interested in but i could count maybe 2 or 3 in my entire  life. Right now after experiencing the ups and downs of being in an actual  relationship I think  I realize that I was living trying to avoid the fact that I don’t really interact  with people and that may be the reason I don’t have a boyfriend, because  I don’t have Male friends, it always has been hard for me maintaining friendships and I always thought  I just need my 5 best friends that I can share everything  with, I also think that my ex being the first person  that I felt like I could  be myself with without feeling  scared of judgment made me just obsesse about him, and even though before I was fine with just staying home and enjoying my loneliness, now I fear that being at home won’t  let me get away from feeling things for my ex, I don’t know if i want as happy with my life as a thought before and now I realize that, but I also I don’t  know how to be more truthful about  my interaction with people because I always feel like I’m fake when I meet someone new. I don’t know, it makes me sad that I thought I was ok being alone but I know now that I was just lying to myself instead of facing the truth: I also want someone to love and that loves me and that wants to stay with me and that feels that I’m worth fighting for.

When i meet someone I feel like I put on this persona of being outgoing, of being funny, and I do it just so the like me but inside I think I don’t care about being friends with them, maybe everyone feels like that and I’m just being dramatic? but I’ve only had one boyfriend and have the same high school friends that I go out with so it may be a real issue? when I’m at home I feel like I let the mask fall and start being myself, sometimes I feel like interaction with people is hard, I mean, I do talk to people and they see me as a crazy outgoing person but I see that as the disguise and me alone at home as the true self. I don’t think it Is that bad because i live normally, I used to it, but when I’m not at work I don’t go out on dates or things like that.

with my family I’ve always been accepted as I wanted to be, they even encouraged me to be different and to enjoy myself, and at school I was always the clown, it was always easier having people laugh at me than them knowing me and not wanting to be my friends, or that’s what I feel now when I think back to that time.