Menu

fell in love and got a broken heart for the first time

HomeForumsRelationshipsfell in love and got a broken heart for the first time

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 70 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #205701
    beginner25
    Participant

    No, she knows she can’t talk about him, and I told her I don’t want to see him on her social media at least until I get over him. there are 3 people in the apartment, my friend, her boyfriend and my ex. Talk about the universe fucking you up, my first break up and I have to already be the better person, usually people have the right to make mistakes and have a dramatic break up hating their exes and all of that, me? I have to be a grown up. I guess it is my fault for not having  a relationship when I had the age to fuck things up? I don’t know. Still it is a fucked up situation and sadly inevitable. I’m sorry for the rudeness.

    #205703
    anita
    Participant

    Dear beginner25:

    I understand your situation better: excellent assertion on your part regarding her not talking about him, and good decision for you to stay away from her social media for now.

    I like you using humor to deal with your situation. Excellent. I don’t know about the f word… but I like your sense of humor: “my first break up and I have to already be the better person.. to be a grown up”-

    Excellent attitude, keep at it and do post anytime you’d like. A pleasure communicating with you.

    anita

    #206703
    beginner25
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    I have been doing kind of better these days, I’ve been  trying to get used to my single life, trying to forgive and forget, and doing new things that make me feel happy for that bit, but today something happened that completely threw me off my game, my ex tried to call me. I have him blocked from my phone but I know whenever he calls me because the damn phone still shows those calls even if it is a blocked number. I know he is just calling out of habit, he is friends with his exes and maybe he thinks we can be that so he is checking to see if I unblocked him, I know it doesn’t really mean anything more to him, but still I fear that i lose all the progress I’ve been doing because my head starts playing games with me and creating hope that doesn’t exist. I’m not over him at all, but at least now i know the pain or the missing won’t kill me, but I don’t want to miss the relationship we had forever, and this just turned on all the alarms. I can’t  or don’t want to talk about it with my friends because I’m trying to fake it til I make it so at least I want to let my worries out with someone.

    #206709
    anita
    Participant

    Dear beginner25:

    I need to get away from the computer. Will read your recent post and reply when I am back, in about sixteen hours.

    Take good care of yourself.

    anita

    #206831
    anita
    Participant

    Dear beginner25:

    Those alarms and the hope were an automatic reaction, not an undoing of your progress.

    You wrote: “I don’t want to miss the relationship we had forever”- expect the hope and thoughts to return once in a while, triggered by this or that, this is unpreventable. Relax into the process of moving on, a process that includes sometimes hoping and feeling what you wish you didn’t.

    Don’t get scared by the thoughts and the hope. Try to not engage in them, but don’t see more in it than there is to it. Meaning, feeling the hope again doesn’t mean there is (reasonable) hope. It doesn’t mean you are not making progress. It doesn’t mean you will miss him forever.

    anita

    #207535
    beginner25
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    Just wanted to check in with you, still feel like i have to do it, i dont know why. I’ve had some break downs probably because I’m on my period and emotions just go crazy, but still I don’t like it. His presence it’s kind of slowly getting weaker but he is still there in my mind every day, like a shadow, I feel it like a dark cloud just waiting to rain on me. Right now I think I’m in the anger stage where I feel hate towards him, I feel like I hate him because he couldn’t be the man I thought he was, because I believed in him when I was so careful with men, I think I even pity myself because I was so happy thinking that I found someone that loved me for who I was but that ended up leaving me, while lying to me and I fell for those lies. I know the way to getting over someone its actually feeling nothing for them but I hate him now, I’m even wishing he has a bad relationship with someone new, because I want to be right, I want to feel like it wasn’t me the one who was broken or not enough, I want him to be at fault, his unstable emotions, his living, his aloofness with everything, him love bombing me and then telling me that he doesn’t want to try and fix our relationship. I know it’s not like that, that sometimes things don’t work, but it is really hard to get to the forgiveness stage, I feel like that is the last step to getting over him but damn it’s hard, I guess I still need more time.

     

     

    #207699
    anita
    Participant

    Dear beginner25:

    Don’t rush to that “forgiveness stage”, not a good idea. Feel what you feel and stay there for as long as it takes. It is okay for you to feel anger, a desire to punish, to take revenge, it is okay for you to feel pity for yourself. Aim at being okay with all that you feel. No wrong or bad feelings.

    And do post again, anytime.

    anita

    #210037
    beginner25
    Participant

    Hey anita,

    I’ve been feeling kind of worried these days, i’ve started crying sometimes at night lately and i seem to be thinking about the same topics every day, first about how im going to feel if i know that he is dating someone new, then about how im going to react if he comes looking for me, and then about him having sex with other people. Ive also dreamt about him these days more than past weeks, and I don’t know if I’m thinking  too much into it or if I’m going back to first stages or if it’s supposed to happen some time, what I know right now is that I’m tired of this thi king everyday about him, at work I can control it very well but when I’m at home it starts creeping  under everything I do. I don’t want to spend energy on forgetting him but I can’t seem to stop doing it, I feel like I unconsciously start fighting it and when I realize it I feel tired of it. Also I think I’m afraid of completely getting over him  because then I’ll be mentally less busy, which was fine before but somehow my mind thinks it’s not good now. I don’t know where I am standing right now, it feels like I’m just stuck in this almost over it but not quite stage that its frustrating.

    #210061
    anita
    Participant

    Dear beginner25:

    I am not as focused as I’d like to be and so I will re-read your post when I am back to the computer in about 14 hours. For now, you wrote: “I feel like I unconsciously start fighting it and when I realize it I feel tired of it”. By fighting you mean trying real hard to not think about him, correct? If so, this kind of fighting is not effective. It is exhausting and doesn’t bring success. Better not fight- recognize when you think about him, relax, disengage from the thought. Let go of the thought gently, not forcefully, as in fighting it.

    You wrote that you manage better at work. What if you make a routine for yourself when you are at home, that is, such as taking a regular short walk outside after work, in the evening perhaps, and/ or listen to music every evening before going to bed. Some sort of a schedule. That may help.

    If you want to post more, please do. I hope you feel better soon, don’t rush feeling better though.

    I will be back.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 years ago by anita.
    #210167
    anita
    Participant

    Dear beginner25:

    You wrote that you think and worry about “how i’m going to feel if I know that he is dating someone new”- isn’t it interesting, true to us all, that we fear how we will feel while already feeling it? You fear feeling pain later, when he dates someone new, but you are already feeling it as you imagine him dating another woman.

    And so, you will feel the same as you feel now, correct?

    You wrote: “I think I’m afraid of completely getting over him because then I’ll be mentally less busy.. it’s not good now”. If you stopped thinking about him, what will you be thinking about?

    It is true that people obsess on this or that because it feels less painful to go the obsession route, to take a detour (aka the obsession) from the original issue, then to think about the original issue.

    In your second line of your first post, page 1, you wrote: “I don’t feel that comfortable been intimate with people”- do you want to elaborate on it (I wonder if this is closer to the original issue than the worrying about your ex boyfriend).

    anita

    #210259
    beginner25
    Participant

    i guess i think about him dating someone new but not knowing if he really is makes me think that if I know that he is in fact doing it is going to feel worse than when I’m just thinking about it still doubting if he is or not.

    And regarding the second issue, I guess I’ve never  been really true to myself, I’ve never had a boyfriend and I always thought I didn’t  need one, I never felt love or want for someone other than my ex, maybe i had some boys that i was kind of interested in but i could count maybe 2 or 3 in my entire  life. Right now after experiencing the ups and downs of being in an actual  relationship I think  I realize that I was living trying to avoid the fact that I don’t really interact  with people and that may be the reason I don’t have a boyfriend, because  I don’t have Male friends, it always has been hard for me maintaining friendships and I always thought  I just need my 5 best friends that I can share everything  with, I also think that my ex being the first person  that I felt like I could  be myself with without feeling  scared of judgment made me just obsesse about him, and even though before I was fine with just staying home and enjoying my loneliness, now I fear that being at home won’t  let me get away from feeling things for my ex, I don’t know if i want as happy with my life as a thought before and now I realize that, but I also I don’t  know how to be more truthful about  my interaction with people because I always feel like I’m fake when I meet someone new. I don’t know, it makes me sad that I thought I was ok being alone but I know now that I was just lying to myself instead of facing the truth: I also want someone to love and that loves me and that wants to stay with me and that feels that I’m worth fighting for.

    #210309
    anita
    Participant

    Dear beginner25:

    Regarding the first issue (first paragraph of your recent post), when you think about whether he is dating another woman or not, you feel bad. And you imagine that if you knew for sure that he is dating another woman, you will feel worse. This is the nature of anxiety, we feel bad and fear feeling worse.

    Regarding the second issue, you wrote: “I’ve never been really true to myself… I don’t know how to be more truthful… I always feel like I’m fake when meet someone new”

    Will you tell me more about the feeling of being a fake when meeting someone new: what are the thoughts involved and the behavior, on your part that feels fake?

    anita

     

     

    #210315
    beginner25
    Participant

    When i meet someone I feel like I put on this persona of being outgoing, of being funny, and I do it just so the like me but inside I think I don’t care about being friends with them, maybe everyone feels like that and I’m just being dramatic? but I’ve only had one boyfriend and have the same high school friends that I go out with so it may be a real issue? when I’m at home I feel like I let the mask fall and start being myself, sometimes I feel like interaction with people is hard, I mean, I do talk to people and they see me as a crazy outgoing person but I see that as the disguise and me alone at home as the true self. I don’t think it Is that bad because i live normally, I used to it, but when I’m not at work I don’t go out on dates or things like that.

    #210319
    anita
    Participant

    Dear beginner25:

    I believe I know that fake feeling, that wearing of the mask you mentioned. It felt very uncomfortable for me, to act fake. I too felt a relief spending time alone. It was much easier to not put that effort at being fake. It was always a need I felt, to be true to myself.

    As a child, I suppose, you weren’t approved of, being the way you were, so you felt that you had to behave differently than you did so to be approved of?

    anita

     

    #210327
    beginner25
    Participant

    with my family I’ve always been accepted as I wanted to be, they even encouraged me to be different and to enjoy myself, and at school I was always the clown, it was always easier having people laugh at me than them knowing me and not wanting to be my friends, or that’s what I feel now when I think back to that time.

Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 70 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.