April 20, 2018 at 10:02 am #203359
Reads like a good plan, to not wait for him, to place him in your past.
You wrote that you “get scared because I know I’m gonna feel sad again”- I mentioned the rollercoaster going up and then dropping or falling quickly: we are afraid to fall. We are afraid to fall from happiness to despair, so we keep ourselves sad so to feel the same, sad, and avoid the Fall from happiness to sadness.
You wrote, last line, “this is just getting out of my hands”- how specifically is it getting out of your hands?
anitaApril 20, 2018 at 1:48 pm #203397
not something like wanting to kill myself but its getting out of my hands because I can’t stop thinking about him, when I do stop it’s just for a moment and then memories just come rushing to my head, good ones, bad ones, I try to convince myself that he is not good for me but then thoughts of us going back together when we live in the same city start creeping in, what if I keep remembering the good things and stay in love with him? is it possible to be that out of touch with reality? I don’t want to become the crazy ex girlfriend, but I just keep thinking and thinking, it just doesn’t stop.April 21, 2018 at 3:04 am #203421
You wrote earlier: “I want to give up on him now.. I don’t want to wait for him… I want it to go away now. I really want to… I have no business loving someone who already told me he doesn’t love me…I try to convince myself that he is not good for me”-
You are trying to convince yourself because part of you is arguing with yourself, there is an internal argument, a fight of sorts. You feel strongly about him and a part of you says something like: you shouldn’t feel this about him! You shouldn’t be thinking about him! Stop it!
You tried your hardest to give up on him, to not wait for him, to not love him, and you failed. So give up trying.
If the internal argument stops, if you stop the fighting inside of you, you will feel much better. Let yourself think about him, let yourself feel whatever you feel. Accept the situation as it is.
anitaApril 21, 2018 at 6:17 am #203439
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Thanks a lot, i have a lot of friends, but somehow reading advice from a stranger makes me feel better. I guess it is because I always trust the internet to give me the answers to what I don’t understand. I have this calm feeling right now, I know it’s just temporary but I’ll enjoy it while it lasts.</p>April 21, 2018 at 7:20 am #203447
You are welcome. Do enjoy this calm feeling and when you need to, re-read what brought you this calm. Post again if and when you need to.
anitaApril 25, 2018 at 6:57 am #204007
Hey, i find myself feeling better little by little, it worries me that every time i wake up i still think of them and the feeling of anxiety kicks in but its easier to go back to being calm, I’ve been writing like I told you and it has make me feel better. I’m still feeling scared of how I’m going to feel when he finds someone new, sadly my best friend and him are roommates and knowing that she knows when he brings someone home or knowing when he finds someone new it’s kind of scary and makes me feel damn anxious, she told me that if wanted she would tell me when he finds someone new but I don’t know if that’s a good idea or not. Right now I know I’m just feeling calm because I’m numb, I laugh but I just half feel it, its calm but I can’t enjoy things, so when he gets someone new I’m scared to go back to step 1. I keep reading the forums on “how to get over a break up” and maybe that’s bad too? I think I’m kind of obsessing about feeling better? I don’t know.April 25, 2018 at 7:31 am #204017
“I’m kind of obsessing about feeling better”, you wrote. We all want to feel better, and sometimes we all obsess about feeling better.
Doesn’t everyone want to feel good. If only that was possible- that would be such a pleasant thing, to feel good all the time, to keep feeling good, to never expect to feel badly. This is one reason why the concept of heaven was invented, a place where (dead) people feel happy all the time, for eternity.
This is what people wish for, this is why fairytales end with “and they lived happily ever after”. Buddhism is about freeing ourselves from all suffering by exiting the cycle of birth and death.
In the absence of heaven, here on earth, we have to endure not feeling good. We have to endure hurt, fear, sadness, anger. Do our best to live functionally, to make thoughtful choices so to experience less of these emotions, more calm. But we will experience these emotions nonetheless.
Feeling numb- that is the brain automatic reaction to fear, cutting off the pain on one end and the joy on the other.
Keep posting, anytime. A pleasure to communicate with you.
anitaApril 25, 2018 at 8:02 am #204021KimberlyParticipant
I am a college girl, 22. I got into my first relationship when I was 20 with one of my college mates. In the beginning, he was very sweet, tailed along with me anywhere I go, called me and we had conversations on the phone for hours. He was really nice but I never really had a thing for him initially and I told him that it was not going to work as we were very different people. He kept trying for about 3 months. Soon, I started to fall for him and I was deeply in love. Thing were all okay for another 6 months. He kept saying he was busy even during semester breaks and never answered my calls (we live in different cities). I was breaking down emotionally as I really needed him now more than ever. But he said that we wanted to end our relationship just because he went to a fortune teller that said we won’t be together in the future (he’s indian). He made up his mind and didnt want to continue being in the relationship but I kept persuading him and calling him.April 26, 2018 at 10:18 am #204289
Now i’m in this weird state where I’m like numb, I don’t get excited but I don’t get too sad, when am I going to stop thinking about him completely? I’m planning a trip abroad to feel excited again but what if I stay numb for a long time? right now I know that I can feel sad or just numb, I don’t get what’s the state that I’m at right now, am I getting over him or am I just stuck? right now I’m just living day by day, I feel like my dreams and desires are gone or hidden somewhere and I can’t find them. My plans were to live in the same city with him, not because he was there but because I love the city, but now I don’t even feel like waiting for the day I can live there because my dream of having a relationship with him in the city I love is gone, I know my normal self would still be excited to move to that city but I just don’t feel it right now and it bothers me, I wanted to live there even before I met him so why am I feeling so disheartened?April 26, 2018 at 10:40 am #204291
You asked if you are getting over him or being just stuck. I think both: you are getting over him and within this process of getting over him you are temporarily stuck in the numb phase. At times of intense emotions, the brain/ body protects itself from that intensity by going numb. It eases the pain, on one hand, and on the other, it decreases and even eliminates, temporarily, previous excitement, hopes, dreams and motivations.
Be patient with this process of getting over him. Give it time, don’t try to rush it (that will prolong what you want to end, the numbness) .
anitaApril 26, 2018 at 11:47 am #204365
And how am I rushing it? and when will it end? it’s been almost 3 months since we broke up and 2 weeks since we saw each other one last time, when I understood that it was over because he didn’t love me. So for how much longer am I going to feel numb? is sadness gonna come back? how do I stop rushing the process but at the same time get better?April 26, 2018 at 12:18 pm #204375
It’s been three months but you saw him two weeks ago. Two weeks ago is more recent than three months. And you’ve been hoping only a few days ago, maybe still? Got to stop hoping for the healing to proceed.
When you stop hoping, healing will proceed, your numbness will evaporate and you will feel excited again.
What is the state of your hoping, are you hoping for that relationship in December to resume?
anitaApril 26, 2018 at 12:49 pm #204381
Im not hoping for it to resume, I just want to forget him and find someone who loves me, I realized the whole time I was with my ex I was scared of him leaving me and I shouldn’t feel like that, I should feel loved not scared. He had a previous 5 year relationship which ended because he cheated, I met him 6 months after the break up and he was feeling really bad for cheating and wanted to change, I think he fell really fast for me because he thought he could be faithful to me not because he really loved me, or at least that’s the conclusion I’ve come to, he broke up because he realized he didn’t really love me like he thought and didn’t want to end up cheating on me, and so the whole relationship was him saying he couldn’t do it anymore and me feeling scared that he would leave me if we didn’t see each other for one month. I’ve seen lots of ldr work out so it was not the long distance, it was us, we didn’t work out and it would’ve probably been the same if we lived in the same city, it just would’ve taken longer. I know even if i love him it wouldn’t work.April 27, 2018 at 4:23 am #204493
A very wise statement: “I should feel loved not scared”, in a relationship with a man, that is. Excellent point. We become more of who we are, we expand, heal, when we feel safe in a relationship. We become less of who we are, we contract, get sick, when we feel scared, anxious in a relationship.
Love promotes healing. Fear promotes sickness. So yes, resuming a relationship with him is a bad idea.
Are you a bit excited, when you imagine, if you will, for a moment, if you imagine you being in a safe relationship with a man, where you feel relatively safe, quite confident that he is devoted to you, wanting and needing to be with you through distance, through unavoidable difficulties?
anitaApril 27, 2018 at 5:15 am #204511
I dont know if i feel hope, but i do know that everytime I get anxious it helps me think about me finding someone better, and when I think about him being with someone else, I try to think that it’s ok if he does, I may be able to do it too. But I don’t think I would call it hope, more like programming, I hope feelings catch on with my thoughts soon.