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fell in love and got a broken heart for the first time

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  • #202839
    beginner25
    Participant

    So this is my story. I started seeing him 1 year and some months ago, I never dated anyone because I don’t feel that comfortable been intimate with people, but he was my first everything. We dated for 3 months and then had to go long distance; everything was fine when we saw each other once a month, but when we were apart it was hell for him, several times he told me he couldn’t do it anymore but when I said let’s break up he would take it back and kept trying. This February we couldn’t see each other that month and so he was angry all the time and not wanting to talk to me, in the back of my mind I knew we would break up if we didn’t see each other but he thought he could make it. He didn’t. He asked me for time, until we could be together in the same city, I said that I couldn’t do that and so I decided that breaking up was better. little did I know that it was gonna be hell for me too. I did no contact for 2 months (I did break it once to lash on him for something that he posted and he said that he didn’t know I would see it, that he didn’t want to hurt me cos he wanted us to be back together later). He reached out to me saying that he hated being blocked and then told me he wanted to talk in person. Of course I complied and talked to him, I knew I shouldn’t have illusions but I got my heart broken even more, he told me he was now sure that he didn’t want long distance, but because we’re gonna be living in the same city 8 months from now, he wanted to have an open relationship, he said he can’t stop having sex for that long and he wants to sleep with other people and that he’s ok if I did it, but I would never be able to take that so I had to tell him that we couldn’t be together now, I don’t judge him for needing sex, I can understand that it’s a real need for some men, but I just can’t do it. I asked him if he had sex when we broke up and he said that he was basic and he can’t go two months without having sex. He feels bad about it, I know, and i don’t judge him, he still says that he loves me and don’t want me to block him but I decided I have to stay away or it would be worse in the future when he finds someone else, cos I know he can’t be alone for too long. he had a 5 year girlfriend and he started dating me 6 months after they broke up. So until here it sounds like I got it all figured out right? but nope. I’m always anxious, fighting between forgetting him or thinking that maybe it could work again, I feel like I’m selfsabotaging, every time I decide to stop thinking about it, then the fear kicks in and thinking about him falling for someone else makes me hurt like crazy. I know I have to forget him and if we find ourselves in the future maybe it can work again, he said it was the best relationship he had cos he could be himself, he thinks I’m perfect for him, but then again he’s used to moving on. this is my first. I feel like I’m gonna be hooked u till December and when I go find him he’s probably gonna be with someone else, and so I start thinking about ways to do like a check point every two months to see if he still loves me. I’m going insane really. I know I can hold on from calling him, but I don’t know how to cope with the hope feelings. Help. or I just needed to rant. I don’t know now that I finished this post.

    #202945
    anita
    Participant

    Dear beginner25:

    You wrote that you “don’t feel that comfortable been intimate with other people, but he was the first of everything”- first of everything, these are strong words, suggesting an intense bonding to him.

    A summary of your share: you started seeing him a year and a few months ago, dated for three months then went long distance, saw each other once a month. The two of you didn’t see each other past February. As a result, “he was angry all the time and not wanting to talk to me”.

    Later he asked you for time, to put the relationship on hold until the two of you live in the same city. You refused, suggesting to break up instead. Following that you “did no contact for 2 months”, breaking the no contact once to “lash on him for something that he posted”. Later you talked again and he told you that “he was now sure that he didn’t want long distance” and that he wanted an open relationship until the time, in eight months (December this year), that the two of you live in the same city.

    Before I go on, I would like to understand the following sentence: “I asked him if he had sex when we broke up and he said that he was basic and he can’t go two months without having sex”- what does “basic” means here?

    Another question: when you dated for the first three months, how did you spend your time together?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by anita.
    #203031
    beginner25
    Participant

    He literally said he was basic, that he did have sex after he broke up because he needs to have sex. And when we were together we used to do lots of things, like dates, cuddle, watch movies, just like a normal relationship I guess.

    #203033
    anita
    Participant

    Dear beginner25:

    I understand that you are still considering a relationship with him, to resume the relationship, maybe December, if he is not involved by then with another woman, in a serious committed way.

    If you would like, let’s look at whether this man is a good man to have in a relationship, for you. If he is the man to have a family with, if that is what you are considering.

    Is he impulsive, that is, it is difficult for him to not get what he wants when he wants it? I am not referring only to sex but other things as well?

    anita

     

    #203049
    beginner25
    Participant

    he gets frustrated easily and hates when things don’t go the way he wants them. I believe in people changing if they want to and he told me he wanted to change that about him, but I guess he just gave up and realized that it is too hard to do it?. He is not a bad person, he thinks he is ready to commit but not to me or to the situation. The thing that hurts me the most is that he keeps saying that he loves me, how can you love someone if you ask for an open relationship? he just wants someone like me, but it doesn’t have to be me. I just want to be able not to wait for him. I just talked to him and asked him to tell me that he doesn’t love me just so i can move on, I’m desperate.

    #203051
    anita
    Participant

    Dear beginner25:

    It is not necessary for you to get him to tell you that he doesn’t love you so that you can move on. It is possible for you to come to a place of understanding and peace with your understanding. And according to that future understanding, you will be able to make a wise decision, for you.

    To develop your own understanding, let’s look at the man and the situation, if you would like:

    You wrote, “he gets frustrated easily and hates when things don’t go the way he wants them”-

    what kind of a possible lifetime partner does that make him?

    anita

     

    #203077
    beginner25
    Participant

    I guess that makes him an unstable lifetime partner? but what to do with the feeling of wanting to be with him? I know I can possibly find someone better but the feeling of missing him is so unbearable. I’ve never had this kind of constant sadness and depression.

    #203083
    anita
    Participant

    Dear beginner25:

    I would like to keep communicating with you but I need to get away from the computer. I will be back in about sixteen hours. For now, this “constant sadness and depression”, is not really constant. A lot of it, yes; often, yes, but not constant, not all the time. Notice the moments you don’t feel it, maybe when you look outside and see the sun. Maybe when you take a hot bath, if you do.

    These moments when you do not feel sadness and depression, notice these moments lasting longer and longer.

    Please post again, anytime. Perhaps other members will reply to you before I am back.

    anita

     

     

    #203103
    beginner25
    Participant

    what if i cant forget him? what if it hurts too much when he finds someone else? i cant stop thinking about these.

    #203135
    anita
    Participant

    Dear beginner25:

    About the hurt, the sadness, the desperation you feel about this man: we don’t like to feel these feelings, we really don’t want to feel them. But we have no choice: when we feel them, we feel them. Thing to remember is: feelings do not kill. We survive our feelings. As badly as they feel, we are still alive, we go to bed and we wake up the next day. Keep it in mind, no matter how badly you feel, you will live through it, life continues no matter how we feel.

    You wrote: “The thing that hurts me the most is that he keeps saying that he loves me, how can you love someone if you ask for an open relationship?” – the physical intimacy you shared with him, for the first time in your life, feels so special to you, doesn’t it. But for him, not so much. It is more of a physical need, for him, than a special experience with one special woman.

    You wrote: “he said he can’t stop having sex for that long and he wants to sleep with other people”-

    How long is “that long”- let’s say you and him live in the same city, in a committed relationship, and you have to travel elsewhere for two weeks. Two weeks may seem “that long” for him, too long, maybe because of work stress, much boredom… two weeks may be too long, for him.

    anita

     

    #203163
    beginner25
    Participant

    I wish i could really stop the feelings. They hurt a lot. Thank you for your words.

    #203167
    anita
    Participant

    Dear beginner25:

    You are welcome. If it helps you to express your thoughts and feelings here, please continue to do so.

    anita

    #203333
    beginner25
    Participant

    When do you think the pain will go away? im scared to fall down when he gets a new girlfriend. im scared for it to hurt too much, even more than now. i feel like i would die, i know i wouldnt but i feel like it.

    #203341
    anita
    Participant

    Dear beginner25:

    Did you ever go on a scary rollercoaster, where it goes up slowly and then all the way up, stops for a moment and before it goes down quickly everyone on it screams, and you scream too?

    It is scary but people know they will survive the ride because they saw all the people coming out of the previous ride alive and well. And they know that thousands of people went on that ride before and survived.

    Same here- thousands, millions of people before you were in love and got their heart broken in their very first relationship, their first in everything. And they survived. Many thousands of people are suffering from a broken heart as I type this. You are one. There are many others. And they will survive, so will you.

    Think of times in your past when you felt emotional pain- you survived. Remind this to yourself and take deep, slow breaths as you remind yourself that you survived and will survive this. I think that it is important that you don’t wait for December, that you give up on him now. Waiting will make the pain last and last.

    Can you give up on him, place him in your past, starting today?

    anita

    #203353
    beginner25
    Participant

    i want to give up on him now, he already told me that the love he had faded away with the distance. I dont want to wait for him to find someone new cos i know he will very soon, so i want it to go away now. i really want to. December wont bring the love back, its gone from his heart, and i have no business loving someone who already told me he doesn’t love me. I’ve been trying to breath, make plans for a trip, try to get excited about something, but then I find myself thinking about him with someone else and my heart sinks again. There are times when I feel a little bit happy and then I get scared because I know I’m gonna feel sad again and then of course I start feeling bad. I don’t get it. I also started journaling, I hope it works, I’m doing every trick on the book but I still feel scared. it’s just so weird to be feeling this broken, I used to be able to control my feelings but this is just getting out of my hands.

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