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fell in love and got a broken heart for the first time

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  • #210329
    anita
    Participant

    Dear beginner25:

    I can tell you about my experience with feeling that I was a fake with other people: for me, as I think about it now, it was about being afraid, a whole lot of being afraid. Afraid to be targeted for an attack, afraid of being attacked for something I say or do, even for an expression on my face that someone will find offensive. It is that fear that was exhausting.

    The fake behavior, from putting on  a smile, a smile that didn’t happen naturally, one that I forced, to being careful about what I was to say next, to .. rushing to say “the right thing”, that is, something that will please the other person, calm them down, so they don’t attack me with mean words and such.

    The ongoing fear and my efforts to avoid future danger, that was exhausting.

    And then, on top of the fear, there was the anger, as in: I don’t want to be fake, I want to be me!

    I just want to be .. free to be me.

    Can you relate?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 years ago by anita.
    #210337
    beginner25
    Participant

    Yes i can relate, i think im not good at confrontation and that’s why I try to be that zen person that knows how to act and how to discuss at any time, but I also feel tired because I really want to be that person that I disguise as, I want to be strong and fun, I want to be serene and wise, but inside I’m just afraid and childish, and people just see that childish side because some of them tell me all the time at work, but with my friends I’m like the more mature and knowledgeable, it’s like I change the way people see me depending  on who I am with. I’ve always thought that if I keep faking it it will happen but now that the break up is forcing me to think about myself, I’m discovering all the cracks In the fake view I have of myself. How to become your true self? when will I merge the quiet me with the crazy me and the mature me? I feel that when I’m finally comfortable with myself ill be able to finally step out and start dating people and not just wait for mr right to fall on my lap, clearly that didn’t  work out even when I waited for someone to notice me, he clearly also didn’t know what he wanted, we were doomed to fail, the long distance relationship just made it faster.

    #210339
    anita
    Participant

    Dear beginner25:

    You want to be “strong and fun.. serene and wise… mature and knowledgeable” and on the other hand, “inside (you’re) just afraid and childish”.

    Your true self, reads to me, is not one or the other. Not either perfectly strong, fun, serene, wise, mature and knowledgeable all the time or afraid and childish. But both, this and that.

    The trap may be trying to be perfectly strong, fun and so on, all the time, trying to appear this way. Maybe what will set you free is being okay with not being these things perfectly and all the time.

    To “finally (be) comfortable with myself” would mean just that, I think.

    anita

     

     

    #210345
    beginner25
    Participant

    True, but it is just so hard because i dont feel comfortable letting people see my insecurities, what people think I’m insecure about is what I let them see. I guess I’ve curated my life to let everyone see just the parts of  me that I want them too and when that doesn’t happen I retreat, I don’t go forward and just let the insecurity be seen and move on, I start overthinking it. And with my ex, he was the first person I ever let all my insecurities out and maybe that’s why I’m feeling restless, I let him see it all and he left, he didn’t  want to try and salvage the relationship, even when the conditions got better and he moved a city closer to mine, he still didn’t want to try. I know it’s not me, I can’t blame me for being me and he not being okay with it, but still it’s not letting me move forward, I opened up to him and let it all out and now that he left everything stayed outside for me to see and I’m just struggling to fix it all and go back to my fragile past state, I don’t know how to find this new me that will be over him and confident about being alone.

    #210353
    anita
    Participant

    Dear beginner25:

    I see one problem with your thinking: you think that people see you as you are. As if what they see is who you are. What I learned is that people don’t see people as they are. People do a lot of inaccurate projections, seeing through their experience, sort of inserting the people in their early life into the new people in their lives.

    Often people are so focused on trying to hide themselves, that they don’t even have “eyes” to see the person they are trying to hide from.

    You wrote: “what people think I’m insecure about is what I let them see”- I don’t think you can control what other people see because what they see in you is basically.. other people in their early lives.

    “I guess I curated my life to let everyone see just the parts of me that I want them to”- again, you don’t have that kind of control.

    I read about your ex boyfriend, of course, and it is clear to me that his impulses, his choices all come from his past, his past experiences and nothing really to do with who you are.

    anita

     

     

    • This reply was modified 4 years ago by anita.
    #210363
    beginner25
    Participant

    thank you for telling me that, thats what i mean with overthinking, of course i cant control what people think about me, you are so right. Im just gonna have to relax on the analyzing myself and just do what I want when I want it and see what happenes next. I am all of these insecurities and I have to own them so I don’t crumble when people stumble upon them.

    #210379
    anita
    Participant

    Dear beginner25:

    You are welcome. I hope to read more from you about your process of becoming more and more comfortable interacting with people, being true to yourself, not fake.

    anita

    #212213
    beginner25
    Participant

    hi anita, I keep coming  back to you for solace. This weekend I went on a trip with some friends, I thought it was gonna be the trip where I would let go and not think about him, but turned out I thought about him more than the past days, I was almost crushed by thoughts of him, most of them hurtful of course, him being with someone  else, me not finding  love and so on. I even teared up sometimes because of those thoughts and because I couldn’t stop them. When I let the thoughts go around  my head freely ir was worst, so in the end I didnt  know how to act around them and my trip became some  kind of nostalgic trip even though I never went there with him. It scares me that when I’m not working my thoughts just go back to him because I don’t want to think more about it, I’m tired of this, I’m not patient enough and maybe that’s what doesn’t  let me move on. I just want someone to tell me that I’m not obsessed, that it’s normal to be feeling  this way, it’s almost been 4 months since the break up and he is already over me but I’m still thinking about him, that also makes me so anxious, why am still having so many downs when I’m alone or not working? I really want to let him go, I know we won’t be together again, I have to get used to it because he is no good to me, I really want to forget these feelings I have and time just never moves fast enough.

    #212221
    anita
    Participant

    Dear  beginner25:

    It is understandable that you think about him when your are not working, when you are not distracted. You got emotionally attached to him and that attachment is strong. It is also my understanding that when a child didn’t feel safe early on, as an adult, attachment to others is stronger than for a person who felt safe as a child. It is that early unsafe experience that brings about such a strong attachment.

    One way some people… get rid of their attachment to one person is to get attached to another, that is, starting a new relationship. Another way to lessen the attachment is to get engaged in the healing process, healing from that unsafe childhood experience.

    I hope you do keep  posting, anytime you would like. I do hope you feel better soon, that you will experience that solace that you need and want.

    anita

    #395688
    anita
    Participant

    Dear beginner25/ Reader:

    It’s been close to 4 years since we talked and there is little chance you are reading this, but nonetheless, just in case: how are you?

    I read a bit from our communication. June 1, 2018, you wrote: “I…  let everyone see just the parts of me that I want them to…. with my ex… I let him see it all and he left” –

    I wrote to you on the same day: “What I learned is that people don’t see people as they are. People do a lot of inaccurate projections, seeing through their experience, sort of inserting the people in their early life into the new people in their (current) lives… I don’t think you can control what other people see because what they see in you is basically… other people in their early lives… I read about your ex-boyfriend, of course, and it is clear to me that his impulses, his choices all come from his past, his past experiences and nothing really to do with who you are”.

    “Often people are so focused on trying to hide themselves, that they don’t even have ‘eyes’ to see the person they are trying to hide from”.

    I want to develop these thoughts a bit further today: awakening to the present means to no longer project our misinterpretation of our past into the present. To see the people in our present life as they are, we have to correct our misinterpretations of the powerful people in our early lives, and parents are the most powerful of all. For as long as we see our parents not as they were or are, we keep seeing other people… not as they are.

    Awakening to the truth of the present means to understand that our thoughts all along were interpretations of reality, not necessarily reality. Whatever was misinterpreted needs to be corrected. Otherwise, we live our lives blind to who we really are and who other people really are. Be open-minded to re-interpretation, consider or reconsider new possibilities.

    When you perceive that another person disrespects you because of who you are- remind yourself that he/she likely misinterprets you. There is so much figurative blindness in this world. Awakening and opening our eyes to reality, that is, to the correct interpretation of reality, is a refreshing and engaging process that makes a huge difference!

    anita

     

Viewing 10 posts - 61 through 70 (of 70 total)

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