Hey Tee,

Cool! Does it help at all (in case you took it)?

I don’t know.

And maybe that’s why you prefer to listen to your body and track the pain, rather than give up some of those movements altogether? Like, you want to hear and follow your own inner voice, rather than some outer voice (doctor) telling you what to do?

Yeah, I want to follow my inner voice. Everything else is overhead, it feels kinda painful.

For me, it is connecting to my inner power.

I wonder what you mean by that or how you experience inner power.

Hi Tee,

Sorry for the late reply. I think I might be a bit defensive in part of the answer I hope that’s good enough.

How bad is it? They are some exercises for that too, if you’re not already doing them?

This I think is addressed with strengthening. I do hardly feel it, I think my lower back feels more unstable.

I see… maybe you tried to push yourself in those first 2 months, to get over it quickly, and that’s why it sometimes hurt a lot, and it warranted an injection?

I did the injection because the doc told me the insurance might not pay. I was afraid that when I do not have pain I might overdo myself. That time I had very clear feedback from my body when I needed a break. Now it’s not so clear sometimes it’s activity sometimes mood.

Anyway, I feel I had to address it, because I think it’s an important topic… What do you think and feel about this?

I see your point, that’s why I ride ramps mostly they’re round you fall different you have less impact. It feels okay to do it. I use my body different than a year ago way more conscious. My mind worries about those things and I figured I need to learn from experience. This is somehow more important than taking perfect caution. I can’t change it by myself I so I accepted it for now.

I might have been projecting, because maybe you found a way to do those moves safely, so that they are less likely to cause you injury?

I use my body way more cautious these day’s way more soft and I take more breaks. Maybe that’s good enough.

May I ask how strong is this pain and how long it lasts?

It’s not really pain it’s more that my right leg feels a bit different (colder) and I have like a 1 in my back if it gets more I just stop.

I am sorry if my previous post contributed to your insecurity, by me “siding” with the doctors and telling you to do what “makes the most sense”, i.e. what is usually recommended for this type of injury.

Yeah, I kinda wanna let go of that cause it’s most times a combination between mood and physical activity or one of them. And if I’m honest I don’t know what it is and I noticed that I need to let go of these good/bad beliefs. Wrong movement that’s too easy to say.

I think this is what is what inspired me to handle it this way:

A friend told me that he was allergic to apples for most of his life cause his grandma told him when he was coughing:’ Oh, you must be allergic to apples’. I think what we belief can make a big difference and we need to be careful what we let in our minds.

A Neuro-Surgeon told me that it’s hard for doctor’s to know if what they did helped or if it was placebo. And he’s researching this.

I did some mistakes in the beginning when I had it. I just went working on the construction site the day after and at the end of the day I couldn’t walk straight. I hear that you did a small move and had big impact which makes you very cautious. I think this is how we are conditioned mostly. Because you had this experience you can be that cautious.

Take care, Beni!

I do 😉

Heya Tee,

yeah, piriformis can press on the sciatic nerve too. But since you feel it while lifting something heavy, I guess it has to be a disc bulge, right? Did you get a scan to have it confirmed?

Yes, it can be seen on the scan. Ah and I have the thing where part of the spine is not connected. (Spindolysis)

Do you also feel it while snowboarding/skateboarding? You mentioned that you sometimes fall and experience pain, and then you start fearing a little… is it your sciatic pain that you feel when you fall?

Not really, when I have a lot of impact I usually feel it more the day after. Also there’s a part of me is expecting that this happens.  I try to let go of that belief that there is right an wrong movement. I wanna follow what feels light and bright.

I am glad you are now better, not experiencing so much pain. You said it was caused by a lot of physical activity. Was it caused by heavy lifting by any chance? Sometimes people get a disc bulge while weight lifting, or even by working their leg muscles in the gym.

I was Skating a 3.5m high half pipe the day before and there was no ladder then you run up a lot.
Doing the sideway sports I noticed made my righ hip tilted forward and my left is rather stiff. I move alot the other way these days and try to strengthen my other side.
Neal Hallinan (Youtube) has some interesting aspects too and has inspired me about different types of exercises and that unsymetrticallity of the body which is given anyway with the heart and the lungs and having a strong hand, foot and eye.

Have you done some exercises for pain relief after it happened? Or it just went away on its own?

I wonder what I’ve done for shure a lot and only a few things constant. I did the intrusion where they inject cortisol close to the spine. I went surfing in Norway maybe it was the change of environment or the intrusion cause it went better then. Cycling was the best for pain relief. I couldn’t stand more than 10 min and in the beginning I needed to cycle in the middle of the night to get some relief. I brought a bike to Norway I would feel insecure without it. Hanging is good and I did it occasionally also many people told me this. Stretching calves and hip flexors. And to feel my abs and back muscles conscious. I tried to force posture by time and then let go of it again. Ah and dry needling might have helped too.

Maybe there is a way to make progress with it, maybe to exercise more, push myself more. But I am a bit apprehensive to push myself too much, because it starts hurting. So far I am happy that I can maintain this relatively low level of pain, even if it limits me quite a bit.

I’m afraid to push or even too allow myself to keep going like this. I think it’s important what environment I put myself in. I think I couldn’t do some jobs where I stand all day without walking also sitting all day does not feel right.

This monk told me to never push when I was moving a cart and that I should use the weight of my body (I was already out of breath then 🙂 ). When I had the injury I pushed myself with my mind I noticed that I just could keep going if I kept pushing I thought that’s how to progress. It’s the opposite of play. It’s kinda that I moved my body with my mind. In my body this creates tension.

My body somehow knows what can be done I just need to listen and let it happen.

Do you expirience the pain on a specific side? And rather in the legs or in the back itself?

Hi Tee,

Haha, not boring at all! I wish my life were boring and I were free from all of these “surprises”…

I’ll light a candle!

You might want to check her out too.

Yayy, very appreciated. I just started doing Feldenkreis and it enjoy to explore how my body moves.

You mean you feel guilty for bringing yourself into a risky situation? And feeling abandoned by good fortune/universe when you do fall and injure yourself?

It’s rather an observation that when I stay in my body’s space in the world it’s hard to get injured physically. It’s rather risky to do something without confidence while being in fear or when not connected with the body or not able to follow the body.

Hm.. not sure what you mean here? Are you saying that you injure yourself because a part of you believes that risky moves/extreme sports aren’t good for you? That this thinking serves like a “placebo”, which makes you more prone to mistakes while skiing/skating?

I forgot to tell you the fundamental of what I write is. My back started hurting last spring. I feel glimpses of the pain (3-4%).  It’s also me pushing myself which creates the condition and what the doc says. It’s confusing cause I expirience that it’s what I belief is good and bad which creates this experience. I start to belief that to heal it’s better to fully trust in my body rather then doing what makes the most sense. That’s creating insecurity cause I do not know what I’m doing.

Okay, we are in slightly different situations, because I am pretty risk averse and would be afraid to get into sports where one can fall a lot 🙂

When you get injured is it physical? I notice it changes as I get older. I’m more prone to injuries or sensitive to pain.

Sorry if I misunderstood you… It’s an interesting topic by all means and I’d like to understand more of your dilemma.

I have to smile when I read the word dilemma 🙂 cause I don’t take myself too serious.

I think when I wrote it, it was more like that I’m so curious about this topic and there’s so much potential and hope that I have to talk about it as soon as the topic goes in such a direction. It’s in someway reactive and also authentic. Also I thought it might benefit you to hear it cause I see all that.

Does it feel right to you when you act reactive? Is it a need which is hold back and needs to be met and we failed to meet it earlier?

Have a good day 🙂

Dear Tee,

I’m happy and grateful to hear from you after long. It touches me that you’ve been suffering and are living trough fear for your health. I imagine you are feeling vulnerable and out of control while needing resources and confidence to handle the situation. I also Imagine that it taught you a lot and that you are wiser and stronger with this experience and in some ways grateful for it.

How have you been doing?

I went to Norway in August and it made me feel happy and alive. Then I was in some way depressed in November (I kinda choose it). I did not want to force myself to do anything while not knowing how to motivate myself. I learned that I worry a lot and I learned to recognize it. When I do not worry there is capacity to feel the next step and I do not get more afraid and after that freeze.
I then did Snowboard Teacher Training in December and it triggered me a lot. I can’t hide myself any longer and I showed myself which was scary and felt natural. I belief we need to live trough the emotions/trauma and set them free by handling the situation in a way which meets our needs. I’m working occasionally these days and am making plans for summer.

About the Heart:
I noticed that when I live trough something like abandonment, guilt or shame and I feel my needs I can always keep the heart open. When it’s the most painful like yesterday I tried to meditate then crawl myself under a blanket in fetus pose 🙂 My body tells me what to do where to go and it’s something I trust in deeper every week. In some way it feels selfish which I think is a wrong view on it. It’s rather giving all I got for harmony and peace instead of being reactive and by that creating more pain than necessary.

Thanks for helping me express this Tee <3

Hi Tee 🙂

Oh I love that! Very good point. Have you been learning NV communication? Because you do sound very balanced in your communication here…

Yes, I listen to the audiobooks many times and close to everything on youtube. It’s a great tool. I really enjoy to text with you Tee. It’s nourishing and you have a harmonious way to do it. How did you learn it?

Yes, when we’re in the stress response, our rational brain sort of switches off and our perspective shrinks. We don’t see that we have options. And so we slip into our automatic reaction, which for you might be to stay in a situation even if it’s uncomfortable.

Yes, that’s true I tend to stay. Ah, I haven’t made that connection yet that this exact situation means that I’ am stressed.

Well, if you choose to do things that might be hurtful to others, that’s a different story. For example, you promise something to someone and they count on you, and then you change your mind in the last moment leaving them stranded – that would be giving yourself too much leeway. Not having accountability. So that’s already the opposite extreme. But if your actions don’t cause harm to anyone, you absolutely have the right to give yourself options and refuse to do what doesn’t feel right to you.

I think I know what you mean. Being loyal and standing true to your word. I belief the most important is the intention behind, what if I do it out of fear? Which is something I observe. I think somethings I might have to “mess up” to learn by doing and to reconnect. I belief that’s where the fear is coming from. I did not understand why I had to do things and was manipulated into being afraid instead of showing me why it is important and valuable. I had to them to be accepted.
I want to do it in a way which nourishes the connection rather than drains it. I can communicate it in the way we spoke about earlier.
I need to be very careful who I do this too because if I mess up with someone I trust that does not have the capacity it can break my heart.

I’m just thinking that I want to ask people to do this in a more playful way. It’s actually too scary to do it in real life. I feel that the effects would be similar when played. In the end I think it’s about to learn to take things less personal and that it’s okay when people get angry. (Mom and Dad still love me even if they’re angry).

Again, if you give someone a “carte blanche” to take advantage of you, that’s not the best you can do for yourself. You need to protect yourself from toxic people, for example. But if this person is not harming you, then indeed you can give them the freedom to do what they want without feeling offended about it.

I hear you are saying I have to be careful with accepting people. I’d like to explain to you the way how I see it and would be happy if you can tell me if this makes sense to you.
I belief acceptance can be above everything. It’s like telling someone: “I don’t like you, go away” also you’re looking into each others eyes saying: “I accept you”. It differentiate here between acceptance and tolerance. Tolerance to me is to say go away.
If I tolerate people which act out of my values it closes my heart somehow. If I don’t accept them it makes me loose myself and I loose compassion to the other person. It feels like I betray myself. Can you help me to understand this?

Yes, exactly. You can be both tolerant and accepting and have boundaries. Because a boundary indicates the point where you start feeling violated in some way – when their actions affect you in a negative way. We shouldn’t accept everything, e.g. we shouldn’t accept abuse. Boundaries serve that purpose – to protect ourselves from abuse.

You mean you don’t want to set a boundary with your mother, even if it would be the right thing to do? Don’t know if I understood that right…

Thanks for handing this back to me. I’d like to set boundaries with my mother. What I mean is that often the best I can do is, do it in ways which are not nourishing and make her feel rejected. I only want to do it in ways which are more harmonious, if I have the capacity to do it. When I make me do it, it actually feels like the thing I talked above when I write “self betrayal”, “making me do things I don’t want to do”. It has to do with the impulse to do things perfect even if it’s against my boundaries.

Yes, definitely, setting boundaries is best done if you have empathy and understanding for the other person. That’s the point of being assertive: you respect the other person’s needs, but you also respect your own needs.

Autonomy in itself in not bad though. I guess you mean autonomy as in being selfish and self-centered? Not taking other people into account? And yeah, that’s bad.

Yes, I mean it in a selfish way. I remember quite some situations where I do it in a selfish way. I’d choose this words for it. I do it to cope with  the fear of loosing autonomy.
My minds great in finding every way my doing can hurt other people and it’s getting better at recognize healing things I do.

Wow, this is bigger than I thought. It feels like this is connected with why it’s rather difficult to organize meetups with people. I need connection and I know how to get connection without empathy. Hihi, to get connection without empathy. That sound like a crooked and painful concept.

So are you saying that you’re not diagnosed with BPD, but you see some similarities with it in your behavior?

Yes, it resonates within.

What you’re saying here: “In romantic relationship’s I get very attached and then I need a lot of space. abandonment is unbearable” could indicate that you need a secure attachment with your romantic partner (something you haven’t received from your mother), but you also need a lot of autonomy too, a lot of freedom to be yourself (which again, you were not allowed as a child).

Yeah, I really need that.

Both of those instincts – to be attached/bonded to someone and to be free to be ourselves – are healthy impulses. They are not or should not be in a contradiction with each other. But in an unhealthy relationship they are in contradiction, because we can’t be bonded if we are being ourselves. As a child, we were rejected if we were ourselves, e.g. if we showed neediness or weakness or whatever our parents didn’t like. So we were conditioned to abandon ourselves.

And it could be that you’re having this struggle within you: how to be bonded to someone and at the same time remain autonomous, remain free to be yourself?

Yes, “schnieef”. I connect to the words you write. Again connection and autonomy 😉

What is your mom’s strategy?

My mom thinks everything is her fault and her responsibility.

Oh I see… so you think that she wants to genuinely connect and have a deeper relationship with you, but doesn’t know how, since her previous patterns were not healthy? But now, as she is working on herself, she wants to change that?

Thanks for pointing this out Tee. I wanted to say that in this situation she does not know how to meet her needs yet and what I think she really needs.
I think she’s working on herself. She’s not reaching out to me.

Good Morning Tee,

Thank you for being here.

Right, you didn’t want to appear needy, so the moment you shared something vulnerable, you would backtrack, because you felt people would judge you, or reject you. But now, you don’t downplay it so much anymore, because it created tension and confusion. And I guess as you’re realizing that you don’t need to hide your vulnerability – that you are not less lovable if you show it – you’ll be able to stay with it more and more, even if might feel uncomfortable at first.

Yes, I think I’m in some transition phase.

I see. Well, picking up someone’s dialect isn’t such a big problem, but if you find yourself doing something you’d rather not do, that’s already a problem. I guess start paying more attention to how you feel – because if we’re forcing ourselves into something we’d rather not do, we usually feel it in form of frustration and tension in our body (e.g. a pit in your stomach). So perhaps you can take it as a signal for yourself to politely excuse yourself and not participate in the activity they’re inviting you to.

Guess your right, I don’t feel some things there yet. In such situations it’s kinda like I don’t remember my autonomy and I can submit or rebel. It’s not always like this and I am already doing way better than a few years ago. Sometimes I know what I want and it’s scary to say. I want to learn how to say it in a gentle and assertive way.

Actually, the ability to set boundaries is a precondition for healthy relationships. There cannot be true connection if you’re not honest about what you are and aren’t willing to tolerate. If you have no boundaries, you’ll sooner or later start feeling resentment, and that ruins the relationship.

Perhaps that’s what’s happening to you: you tolerate something for too long (you don’t set any boundaries), and then you snap and suddenly you can’t take it anymore, and you overreact? And you go into the opposite extreme of “only me”?

Yap, that’s how it feels like. I watched a video yesterday about borderline personality and thought ah that’s how it feels.
I reflect a lot about boundaries these days. I’d like to learn how to set healthy boundaries. I don’t think it’s something I can pretend to have or not to have.

Fair enough. What if you told her the truth and said something like “mom, I don’t feel that great at the moment.” Do you think she would understand it, or she would downplay your pain and blame you for not being there for her?

I’m not shure what would happen. Memory says it’s dangerous. It might be alright as she is working on herself too. It’s easy to answer more closed questions, that is something she could do. I also know that in such situations I’d not remember any closed questions.
I’d like to help her, I could ask her what would you like to know?

Hi Tee,

Thanks for your reply.

I took some time to reply because It feels like it’s a two way street. There are the situations when I feel like I describe, also there are many situation where I feel confident and joyful. It can be kind of confusing. I’m working on finding balance between feeling poor and not attaching to it. Also what I really wanna strengthen is the opposite of the poor boy story. I’m alright and I know that and I struggle and I know that too.

Okay, that’s a bit different than saying “oh poor me” and sort of pitying yourself in order to get people’s empathy. That’s not the same. If you can’t accept compliment, and you downgrade it, it shows you don’t feel good enough. So you’re like overly shy and meek and lack confidence. But you’re not trying to “manipulate” people to give you love by complaining how hard it is for you, right?

I think you mean, this one:

Yes, that resonates. I think this is a disconnected way to love or connect. I think this is why I do many things. There is this hole which cry’s out: “I’m soo poor”. I started addressing it in other people. I started rubbing their heads and saying “ooh, you so poor”. That’s propably why it’s harder to say no to someone like that. When someone has that look.

Aha, these are different. The feeling of, I’m poor and not good enough and the insecurity which I feel when I get complimented. I learned last year to say that I’m poor. Usually I would project it onto something else. I’ve have the always smile poker face. It’s hard to know how I feel for others and also for myself. It’s difficult to cry. It feels safe to hide and not to get attention. When I do get that kind of attention I’m overwhelmed. Like many people giving me advice.

Because I thought, based on what you said 2 posts ago, that you tend to pity yourself in front to others, and sort of try to extract their sympathy. And that it results in tension, because people don’t like to be around people who complain a lot. But that’s probably not what’s happening? You’re not really complaining too much, are you? In fact, earlier you said that you have trouble asking for help and that you feel you need to first give something to people (e.g. organize a garden party), so they would want to hang out with you. You believe you need to first deserve to receive love, right?

What I wanted to say above was that my mom started crying and she was like that’s not fair and so and so. And I rubbed her head and told her “oh you poor beeing”. In a loving way. And I think I could tell her child that it’s alright. And I want to do that with me too.
I don’t complain in front of other people because I’m afraid they don’t like me. I want to complain more in front of other people. I think when I do it in a:” I’m not giving away my responsibility to you” or in a: ” I’m not trying to prove to you that I’m poor”. More in a : ” oh, look I feel really poor and it’s real but you don’t need to worry. I’m glad you listen to me” way. It can be wholesome.

So if you’re not complaining and pitying yourself, what’s the tension you feel with people? What are the situations in which you feel tension?

I belief as soon as I say something which could trigger people or create disconnection. I panik. What I used to do is, adding and adding words in a quick way. What would help but I can’t always do is. Asking, what did you understand or did you understand so and so.

Yeah, if you treat little Beni with a sense of sympathy, i.e. feel pity for him, it only makes things worse. What he needs is empathy. You know the difference between empathy and sympathy, right? There is a great animation about that, with the words of Brene Brown. Perhaps you’ve seen it. It’s on youtube, titled Brene Brown on Empathy vs Sympathy.

What little Beni needs is empathy: he needs you to understand him and see how hurt he was. Don’t tell him “don’t be silly, my love.” Rather tell him “I hear you, my love. I know how hard it is for you. But don’t worry, I am here for you. I won’t leave you. Everything’s going to be fine.”

Something like that… You’re already doing great by addressing him with love. You’re not reprimanding him. You just need more of that love, compassion and understanding. And as little judgment as possible.

So yeah, you’re on the right track with that, just be even more aware of your words. Try not to feel impatient with the little Beni, only give him support and understanding. That’s how you’ll give him real soothing.

How does this sound?

Thank’s for asking. I look at this video which is new to me. I’d say when I talk to people I’m actually afraid that they might get it as sympathy. I think because I don’t want it at all. And it’s easy to say empathic things out of sympathy. It’s when you do it like in the textbook. It feels disconnected.
Yeah, I think I am still impatient. I tell him. Okay, I already gave you a month, how much more time do you need? And I’m like ah okay you want this okay have it. Now be happy. But I see now that’s not what he actually needs.

Yes, you’re seeing it correctly. Putting a pressure on him is the opposite of showing him empathy. He needs soothing and empathy right now, and no expectations. So you’re completely right: what you need right now is self-compassion, meaning compassion for both yourself as a child and yourself now. Self-compassion is like a magic potion, with which true healing begins.

magic potion <3

Hmmm… it doesn’t necessarily mean that if we have love and compassion for others, we also have it for ourselves. There are a lot of people who give and give to others (people pleasers for example), but harm themselves in the process. You said earlier that you “naturally take care of everyone around you”:

I’d say I’d fit in that people pleaser concept. I’d say it’s not love then, because you don’t give for free. When I do that I give out of desire and I suffer afterwards. I struggle with the metta meditation practice. I think it does resonate a little and it would help. Also I don’t do it by myself. I try to practice it in real live but it’s kinda better than nothing. Maybe not good enough anymore.

This tells me that you’re actually very good at giving, and making people feel good enough. Or am I misunderstanding that?

I can be very good at giving when I have enough myself. I think I need more self metta practice. I could do a retreat whit this topic.

You mean, her neediness and the lack of ability to listen to you and empathize with you?

Yes, I told her then: “I don’t want to answer to you if you look at me like this”.