Hi Tee,
I feel alot when I answer you.

It seems to me you’re used to the role of care-taker, taking care of other people’s needs, but you have trouble expressing your own needs, and specially asking for help when you need it:

yes, and when I do it I often do it like a child. I say, I want this, I want that.

So you believe you need to have a nice garden, i.e. first give something to people, in order to deserve that they visit you, right?

yes, it’s easier when I have a reason.

I see – you feel dishonest if you first give something (e.g. organize a garden party) in order to receive. You would like to receive love and attention, without having to do something for people first, right? You would like to receive without “bribing” them, so to speak?

Yes, I just want to be accepted. I’m when I think of it even afraid of that when I give selfless/love that it might be received that way.

Could it be that you had a similar dynamic in your childhood, where you were a care-taker for your parent(s) and siblings? And you’ve learned to believe that you are only worthy if you first give to others?

I think my mom does have a similar pattern. I still do not trust her (do not open up) and make shure to keep her on distance. When there’s I problem I call my dad.

I’m actually working on finding a therapis/mentor. I was thinking of it for one year and finally it started changing. Yes it’s kinda risky doing it at work. It might work dough as the guy’s seem to take me as I am.

Thanks for beeing part of my process Tee <3

Hi Tee,

But it seems the problem is that you feel uncomfortable to ask anyone for help (I feel guilty if I get help from someone. It’s hard to receive.) Is that the main issue?

Ohh, deep question. The problem is that when I do something I wan’t to do that it doesn’t feel like I want to do it. I don’t think it’s just asking for help in particular. For shure it’s part of it.
It’s more like, actually I create an event where I can ask somebody for help and that does not feel right. I don’t want to ask for help if it’s not honest.

That’s a good goal to have. How is your social life at the moment? Do you have friends or family who would be able to help, but you’re afraid to ask? Perhaps you believe that people won’t like your “neediness”, and that’s why you freeze when you think of asking for help?

I anwered this above:

Usually I visit people. I think it really is about that I do not have a strong social web. I tend to have a lot of friends and know a lot of people but no best or close friend. I have some people in mind which can be that and I think I could have the strengh now to make it happen.

Phuu, there is some neediness thing around I don’t see trough it yet. Mhh, once I’m frozen it’s difficult to ask for help. I think when I freeze it’s already late. I don’t know how to deal with the frozen state. I might need somebody who touches my shoulder and tells me everything is alright. You’re save.

In order to have a deep connection with people, we need to be willing to show our vulnerability and even “neediness” at times like this, when we are physically impaired. We are not bad for needing help sometimes. Showing vulnerability is what actually helps us connect with people in a deeper way.

I see, especially the “at times like this” triggers me. I think it’s difficult because if I get rejected it can break my heart.
I want to talk to the guy’s at work and I want to let them know that when I’m lost I’m actually scared. And that I’m not shure what I need. And I’d like to try that that they touch my shoulder and tell me everything is alright.

I don’t know if this resonates?

It does.

Hi Helcat,

Thanks for your message.

<blockquote>
I know that I have felt similarly in the past when I felt a disconnect between what I wanted for my life and what actually was.

</blockquote>

Thank’s for this sentence. I’m still reflecting upon it.

<blockquote>
It sounds like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself.
</blockquote>

I’d say it this way. There’s a lot of pressure inside of me. It’s what kept me going. Without nourishing it I’m kinda lost.

<blockquote>
I have found that the most important thing to have is patience with yourself because we are often out of control in regards to the timeframe of when things happen. Some things take a lot of time, hard work and are difficult to achieve.

I find it helpful to focus on one step at a time. There is a saying. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
</blockquote>

Thank’s for the saying I’ll remember it. It’s hard to accept that it takes years rather than months.

<blockquote>
It sounds like your first step is planning how to achieve your goal. It’s a good idea to ask for help at this stage if you’re experiencing difficulties with it. There is no shame in it. Though it can feel uncomfortable for independent folks.

</blockquote>

I don’t think that’s it. I know what to do. It just hit me. I feel the same at work, I freeze, blackout then I feel helpless. And then I hear: “Beni, what are you doing!”

Hi Tee,

Thanks for the reply. I’m very grateful for this.

“Are painting and gardening things that you would like to try, like hobbies, or it’s something which feels more like chores? Usually, we find joy in our hobbies, because those are the things we like and no one forces us to do them. On the contrary, if the joy is missing, maybe it means there is some expectation on yourself that you should do those things, but you don’t really want to.”

Yes, it’s hobbies I’m doing and when I think about doing it it feels good. Just doing it often feels like a wheelbarrel with a flat tire.

“Yes, it could be that you feel you need to do everything by yourself, which takes out the joy from it. Could it be that what you feel is something like this: you’d like to have a nice garden, but you don’t know how to go about it. You feel you need to figure it out all by yourself, and that’s scary. And you feel you can’t ask anyone because you will be seen as a burden if you do?”

I know which is the next step to take. There is fear involved, I tend to freeze and have a blackout. I can be fully present, no thought’s and still blackout. I think it’s part of this wheelbarrel state. My current strategy is/was to just keep going and learn by doing. It is scary.

I feel guilty if I get help from someone. It’s hard to receive.