Hi Tee,

Thanks for the reply. I’m very grateful for this.

“Are painting and gardening things that you would like to try, like hobbies, or it’s something which feels more like chores? Usually, we find joy in our hobbies, because those are the things we like and no one forces us to do them. On the contrary, if the joy is missing, maybe it means there is some expectation on yourself that you should do those things, but you don’t really want to.”

Yes, it’s hobbies I’m doing and when I think about doing it it feels good. Just doing it often feels like a wheelbarrel with a flat tire.

“Yes, it could be that you feel you need to do everything by yourself, which takes out the joy from it. Could it be that what you feel is something like this: you’d like to have a nice garden, but you don’t know how to go about it. You feel you need to figure it out all by yourself, and that’s scary. And you feel you can’t ask anyone because you will be seen as a burden if you do?”

I know which is the next step to take. There is fear involved, I tend to freeze and have a blackout. I can be fully present, no thought’s and still blackout. I think it’s part of this wheelbarrel state. My current strategy is/was to just keep going and learn by doing. It is scary.

I feel guilty if I get help from someone. It’s hard to receive.