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MattyParticipantHey Secret,
Firstly, don’t compare yourself to others. Everyone has demons, so don’t put yourself down by stating your concerns aren’t as important as others. Everyone has the right to be heard, for whatever reason.I feel like I was branded with the words “incompetent.” I don’t want to be this person anymore
No one has branded you anything, you ‘feel’ this is the case because of how you are viewing yourself in relation to your current situation. The only person who can MAKE you feel incompetent…is you. You’re in the driving seat and capable of many things. Everyone has drama, whether it be inner or outer. Dwelling of what got you to your current position isn’t going to make the path easier, it will make it harder. You will continually compare yourself to illogical ‘what ifs’, what if i didn’t have drama? What if i ignored everything? This will just push you further back, because you will only be concerning yourself with the past.
how do I gain some of this hope back, and how do I make these changes that I want to make?
Accept. Accept the past, accept what has happened has happened. Understand the past influences the present, it does not control it. You must set your sights forward, but not so forward that you question whether you can complete your degree. Focus on your research, focus on what your masters is, not what it is not. It is not the end of the world, it doesn’t signify failure waiting to happen, it is not some incurable disease, it’s a piece of your brilliance, perspective and perseverance.
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere” Frank A. Clark
I hope this has helped,
Good Luck
MattyMattyParticipantKarene,
I don’t know much about hair, i have very little 😉
You want words of wisdom…. Well, from my perspective moving on and away from this fella at work is a good start. You mentioned he has schizophrenia, i assume he is dealing with some heavy things. So until he figures out who he is and what he is dealing with, then you can’t assume he will be able to give you the attention you deserve. But then again, that’s what a crush is, it at times seems completely crazy and illogical.This act of aggression you in-acted on yourself, i believe was you trying to take out your pent up anger out on something, unfortunately it was your hair. I truly believe one of the major reasons we get angry at ourselves is because we feel that we are missing something or deserve to have something. Whether it’s true or not. Because we too easily forget what we have, and instead dwell on what we don’t. The week might be over (depending on your location, it is for me), so my suggestion would be to look at your life as objectively as you can, look at your reflection in the mirror, ask yourself “What do I love about myself?”. It doesn’t have to just be your appearance, it can be your values, ethics, morals, they way you carry yourself, your kind heart, it can be anything. Remember this grasshopper; the only person who can tell you who and what you are, is you. You are by definition, your greatest fan!
Good luck
Matty.MattyParticipantI have a hard time connecting with people my own age and I actually tend to make friends with older people.
I know what you mean. Maybe it’s because our generation and the coming one are better at texting rather than face to face interactions. Also in my experience older people tend to have been through all the awkward silences and ‘what do you do for a living’ questions a million times before.
Anyways I think we were born in the wrong generation? Who knows?
Sometimes i reckon i should of been in the 70s or 80s, because that’s the only music i listen to!
As Anita mentioned to me ages ago, you might not be connecting with anyone because you already connect on a deep level with family and a select few. I guess, in my case, i thought that i was deficient because i couldn’t make friends like others could, but i guess i’m wired differently and prefer smaller, deeper relationships. I think apart of the reason has to do with our societies understanding of being alone vs. being lonely. After these posts, i have embraced what i have, instead of dwelling of what i don’t have. After all, who say’s more is better?
MattyMattyParticipantSorry, forgot to link hit the ‘reply’ button.
MattyParticipantAnita,
So sorry for not getting back sooner, i haven’t been getting any notifications and i didn’t notice a second page, i guess it was a cliffhanger, huh! 😉Of course, I have questions. First: In the third paragraph above, you wrote: “strong inner/ outer circle that the two are divided by an ocean..acting slightly differently in each one, so deep in my mind that the divide will never be bridged”
Can you explain the above, I don’t understand…?
The circles come from sociology, anthropology and sociolinguistics, in many instances, cultures and languages reflect the relationships people have with one another. These circles are like communities, sometimes these communities meet each other; at events etc. Sometimes, friends of friends know family members so the communities interact with one another. Generally we have a lot of communities, the ‘work community’ the ‘school community’ etc. In my case, maybe my inner circle is concerned with family and few others. Whilst The outer circle reflects everyone else, workers to strangers, people i attend university with etc. I don’t have numerous circles, maybe just two.
In regards to ‘not being able to bridge the divide’ i mean that my ‘communities’ never meet nor mix. My deepest and closest friends live in other countries, so they never mix with one another nor the people i know here. My outer circle/ community is everyone else. I think as stated earlier, i am content, but also because generally i feel people in the outer until they ‘prove’ themselves to me then i can’t really see them being accepted into my inner community. I always felt bad because i thought at a time i was too judgmental. But it was Seneca that stated “When friendship is settled, you must trust; before friendship is formed, you must pass judgment.” I guess the people in the outer haven’t given me reason to ‘trust’ them, and let them into the inner. Also i think it has a lot to do with me measuring the company i keep now vs. everyone else. My family and close knit friendships weren’t built overnight nor maintained sparingly. Does this make sense?
My serious face… No idea! When i was younger, i was rounder, i was like a snowman! Whereas now, my body has grown up, i have very wide shoulders, big arms, a beard and short hair. Maybe it’s the genes? My father has a very serious look about him. If you didn’t know him like i do, you would suspect he is dis-interested in anything you say. Even now, i smile more (but mum said i look extremely creepy when i do :)), i try to relax my facial expressions. So i’m unsure of when i got ‘serious’, but it has been something people have commented on.
I will check regularly to make sure i don’t miss you correspondence
MattyFebruary 9, 2016 at 3:16 am in reply to: "How to Ask for Help from People You Respect" from Matthew Alexander Sloane #95411MattyParticipantHi dotcom1,
My advice would be to first, seek a professional resume writer/ editor to have a look at your mad skills! Especially if you are in a particular industry, i know you have to write a resume for that industry, even that job. I change my resume slightly every time i have applied for a job or volunteer position.
Secondly, Are there any industry meet-ups that you can attend? If there are ones, even networking breakfasts/ lunches, these would be helpful just to associate with others, and word of mouth is usually more of a reference anyway. You never know where that will lead.
Third, how not to come across needy and desperate? It comes down to ‘how’ you phrase the question. If someone says “i need help” that is so broad and really sounds like someone couldn’t be bothered figuring out what they need help for. If you were to keep your questions short and concise you may have more luck. For example; when asking for help; “i have attitude, motivation, prior experience, what more do i need to make YOU hire me?” This is not desperate, this in my opinion is someone who is straight to the point, be straight to the point. Don’t use emotive words like; ‘it’s been tough’ ‘its so hard to find work, what can i do?” always direct the question to the person and reiterate what you can do for them. Contacting HR departments in places where you would want to work is ideal, that way you are taking the initiative to understand hiring and what that place/ company is looking for.
**I live in Australia too, and overall employment opportunities are still existent, but just harder to find. Because you haven’t had work for three years, employers might see that negatively and wonder why you haven’t worked. Maybe finding a job outside your field with a similar skill set might be a good first step. At least you have something on your resume for your time in australia. I hope this was somewhat helpful. Good luck.
February 9, 2016 at 2:56 am in reply to: What can I do if my wife no longer feels she loves me? #95410MattyParticipantHi Jeff,
Man this is some heavy! I will be the first to admit, i have never been in a relationship, however i have seen many extended family go through something similar, some ended in better places than others. Although never in a relationship, i guess i see things from the outside perspective, maybe something might be of use, if not, i hope i didn’t waste too much of your time. That’s my little disclaimer 😉
I have tried writing this a couple times now, because i honestly don’t know what your feeling or going through. All my advice or suggestions seem to be empty since i have never been in your shoes….Imma give it a shot.
From what it sounded like, your wife is regretting quite a lot. Things she could of done, the ‘what ifs’. I think this is normal, at some point you have a chance to reflect and wonder what life would be like without the current situation. I find it interesting that other family members have also noticed something is up. This in my opinion is a warning sign that something besides simple regrets and what ifs is going on. The problem with regrets is that our perspective is skewed, after all we only regret when we are not contempt. Although your wife says she doesn’t feel the same way about you anymore, is there any particular reason why? Because you fart in your sleep? Eat nosily? there won’t be a cookie cutter answer, but there has to be a reason, irrespective of whether it’s logical or illogical.
Your wife seems like someone i used to know, she would bottle up everything, even when you thought everything was fine, she would just bottle it up and explode. It really wasn’t a healthy way to go about life. Your wife could be suppressing her emotions and feelings because she may feel she may offend you if she comes right out and speaks her mind. If she is in an emotional affair with her boss, she may feel she can’t be ‘judged’ as much with someone that only knows a couple of versus and lines from her life. You can bind chapters and make a mini series! Heck, her mother could write everything! So i reckon that’s why she is speaking to this other fella. being afraid of judgement is usually worst than actually receiving it, like the age old truth, the fear of falling is greater than the fall itself. Have you considered maybe seeing a marriage counselor? or even someone who is impartial? This i think would be a good start.
We should also not discount the possibility that maybe she is going through physical and mental changes. I don’t know how old your wife is, maybe it could be menopause, maybe depression or even bipolar. I just thought i would put this here, i’m not an expert, but i know my aunt started menopause when she was in her early 30s. It could be possible. There is heaps of info on the net for this kind of stuff. I hope this helps you somehow.
MattyParticipantHi Liv,
As both Anita and Nick have excellently stated above, contentment comes from within and taking time to view your current situation from afar would certainly provide time to reflect. Simply saying your not good at anything, is just putting yourself down, if you believe you can’t do anything, you can’t expect to accomplish anything either. That’s a one way road. Accept that you struggle doing things, but don’t let that be your crutch. This scenario is no different to being afraid of the dark and just putting a blanket over your head, it’s still dark outside, the blanket hasn’t ended you fear. The blanket is just a distraction from confronting the dark itself. It is of course, sometimes great to be distracted from everyday obstacles, but at some point or another you have to address the overall question. Why am i afraid of the dark? In your case, beside the superficial reasons (paper work, colleagues, job opportunities etc.) why do you truly dislike what you do? Why does it have this effect on you? It make take a while to figure out these reasons, or even figure out the right questions; so consider this another chapter in this journey called life.
As i have discovered, age is a number, age doesn’t equate to worth or maturity and clarity of decision. I have met many 30 + year old’s who act like children. We are raised to believe adulthood brings us some sort of clarity, respect because we got older, not because age makes us wiser necessarily. I think it makes everything a little more hazy. We have so many responsibilities, for ourselves and for others.
Try not to see your degree as a one way shot into a job. Many jobs nowadays are multifaceted and require more than just a straight degree in a practical area. Maybe look for work in fields that could utilize the skills you have gained from other jobs. You will have transferable skills, skills which go over and stick with you for ever. I used to work in hospitality and now attend university, studying linguistics, i’m 25 years old, and on the superficial level nothing transfers. How is baking going to make studying languages easier? 🙂 My work ethic, time management, attitude, ability to work under stress, all came from hospitality. Don’t look at ‘paper’ skills, look at the ‘personal’ skills you have developed. Whenever you start a new job there is a learning curve, in fact, some occupations will re-train you anyway because university/ college are horrible at educating graduates with life skills. Also don’t just look at college as a pre-requisite to get into employment, opportunities exist, no matter how bad things get, there is always something out there. Maybe take jobs that are easier, casual positions, part-time, because they will be just that ‘a job’. It may give you time to think about your next move.
I hope this helped, i wish you the best, but know that others have come before with the same issues and problems. You are never alone.
MattyParticipantAnita,
I got a chuckle when i read ‘the thread is not over”. 😀 I have always kept a journal, but it doesn’t really write back, you know? this is kinda of therapeutic, so thank you for continuing to be curious.It is slightly strange, isn’t it, then again what’s normal? I wouldn’t mind meeting my other half or even pursuing a relationship with a woman, but i just haven’t yet. I do feel awkward around those that have partners, especially when invited for dinner and you’re the only one by yourself, getting asked the usual questions of; why are you still single? Although awkward, it ironically doesn’t make me want to go out and find a girl because of some concept of social norms. Maybe because my wants and needs don’t align? I want a lot of things in life, but few of them i actually need. I do believe you hit the nail on the head, by saying that i get more than enough care and love from my parents. I have mentioned to them a number of times that what they have with each other is what i want in a relationship. It is by no means smooth sailing, but to me what i see is what i consider normal, continual honesty mixed with with a loud of sarcasm. I have always thought that my parents were sort of the norm, not the exception. Maybe I could just be homely?
Maybe i have such a strong inner/ outer circle that the two are divided by an ocean? So, i might be unconsciously acting slightly differently in each one, so deep in my mind that the divide will never be bridged?
On the note of being serious, i have questioned myself and my family about why people don’t view me the same way that they do or even myself. Other posters have advised trying to step out of my comfort zone. Believe it or not, i have. When i traveled, i had roommates, went out partying and as they say ‘experienced’ life. But it kind of feels like i have done it a handful of times, okay, that’s all i needed. Maybe because it was in another country, that it erodes the legitimacy. It’s like when you go out for an expensive meal, you have it once, think it’s great, but your content in not ever going back. That’s how i feel. I join clubs at university, play sports, go out for lunches, but that; been there done that feeling arises.
It could be also what i have been exposed to. What i read, watch, experienced that have morphed and formed my current state.
This is quite hard. I’m struggling to explain myself and motivations. Anita, if you have any questions feel free to ask me. Because, otherwise i might end up just rambling on and on! So i will consider this part I. 😉
MattyParticipantDom,
No matter who or what you want to be, before you can even take that step, it’s wise to understand who you are in this moment. Only once you have embraced the current you can you figure out where your heading. Because, you never know, you may already be who you want to be, and your mind is playing tricks on you. I always felt like I couldn’t support myself because i still live at home with my parents in my mid 20s. But then i went traveling and lived abroad for a little while. I noticed that i was always capable, i just hadn’t had the perspective nor the experience to tell me so. Don’t think about changing your life to suit others, nor change who you are just yet. How about flipping the picture upside down, and see what you got? 😉 good luck/
MattyParticipantAnita,
You know, i would say that i’m comfortable, the more i talk about it. I don’t think i was distressed to begin with, i think i was just lonely at the time and reflecting on the ‘what ifs’ of my life. I still struggle to connect, but maybe its actually because i’m contempt with myself that i don’t want to connect with others on an in depth level? is that possible? I guess i was rationalizing the difference with being alone versus being lonely. Thanks Anita for asking questions, it has helped me clear my thoughts. I just hope i haven’t taken too much of your time up.
MattyMattyParticipantHi Dina,
The situation is slightly reverse for me, i’m the eldest and my brother has never EVER listened to me before 😉 The only thing i can offer is maybe consider doing online sales? Quite a few businesses here have online cupcake shops and just bake to order. OR you could set up an intermediary/ third party between the cafe/ bakery and your sister.That way she could just focus on baking. One of my bosses had social anxiety and so she would just hire casuals to work for the front counter while we were in the back baking and cooking. I also know another person whom suffers from severe insomnia and social phobia. She became the third party by buying wholesale toys from japan and selling them in stores. There are options, although your sister may have to meet a couple people, if she has support, then she may be more likely to give it a shot. I always think of a building and its scaffolding. It wasn’t built over night, but the support the scaffolding gives to the building is incredible. Once the building is able to stand without support, the scaffolding comes down, gradually. Maybe you or someone else your sister is close to could support her, professionally (you are already supporting her now) until she is ready to stand on her own.
It was just a thought. Best of luck.MattyParticipantAnita,
I started working in grade 10, because i wanted to. There really wasn’t a conscious decision, it was like wanting to learn to drive a car. As for the apprenticeship, i started that the following year. At the time i loved cooking and baking and my hospitality classes were quite a lot of fun. I was about 20-21 when i completed my apprenticeship, which was when i decided that i wanted to purse something else, since in Australia (where i live) hospitality doesn’t pay kindly and the night shifts were destroying my body. honestly, at school, i wasn’t 100% sure what i wanted to do, i didn’t feel i could study further, so i went with an apprenticeship. My view changed over time, as i realised that i could do anything i set my mind to.I feel that by voicing my thoughts to strangers (usually its just me) i’m noticing that i’m just different, not in a bad way, but have different experiences and expectations then maybe the people i’m surrounded by. Also, because i have been doing many things by myself, whether simple things like going to the movies alone or big things like traveling solo, i’m so used to my own company, maybe it’s an unconscious ‘air’ that i give off to others? i guess i’m so used to figuring out my own issues, if not i use forums like this, where i can get suggestions and advice.
Thanks for reading, MattyMattyParticipantAva,
I’m glad you are glad. 🙂 Always remember you have power, you are never helpless. I truly wish you the best.MattyParticipantHowdy Amber,
i could say a great deal of things, but i’m not sure what to say, it’s a paradox. I want to help, but have no way of knowing the true pain you feel, all the time. I have never experienced it. I could say things about motivation and inspiration, but honestly, as someone who was diagnosed with depression many years ago, you have to be your own motivation. No matter what people say, until you find the answer from within, you will still continue down the same road. As other users have stated, it’s all about perspective, not everything you have done in your life has truly been bad, right? Mentally, every time we remember something about the past, we change it slightly. Our minds are amazing gifts, but also our worst enemies.So even though you blanket your past in negativity, was it truly always bad? Were there not times, moments, flickers of hope? Hope is stronger than any force in this world, it’s something that will always remain and can never be taken from you. Hope that tomorrow will be better, not in a couple months or next year. Focus on the next day. Everything, the substance abuse, the attacks are just distractions that are useful to dull the pain, not erase it. The issue unresolved; how do i climb out from this abyss? Your hurting, in fact everyone on these forums is hurting, take comfort in that. Everyone has inner demons, a past that we wish to be forgotten, even if it’s the smallest thing. Your not alone.
Something i did a long time ago, was to look at my reflection in the mirror and have an honest talk with myself. Words are magical, they can break down walls, uplift spirits but most importantly; they connect us with others. connect with yourself. You may have entered this world alone, but you won’t ever be alone again! You have left a mark on others lives, whether you realise it or not. Your perspective is fatalistic, extremes which hinder your growth. You are important, you are worthy of great things. You have power beyond measure, see for yourself. You have connected with a bunch of strangers online. If you have the power to make others care, you have the power to do anything! As long as you breathe, hope will still exist.
Your dealing with hurtful things, that i cannot imagine. But know this, tomorrow is just around the corner. There is always a tomorrow… so what are you going to do with yours?
Good Luck Amber.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 