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I am a recovering addict and know first hand how my using destroyed several relationships. I believe myself to be a decent person, but when I used drugs nothing mattered to me more than getting high. My word meant nothing ! I would have the best intentions of doing the right thing after the guilt & depression would set in after my latest binge – I truly wanted to not use, but a few days later when people forgave me I would go out and use again. The real change for me occurred when, I admitted to myself(truly admitted) that I needed help, became willing to go to any lengths to stay sober.That meant going into a halfway house and going to meeting daily-working a program with recovering addicts as such as myself. My now wife, we were dating back then told me she would not put up with another relapse, and if I chose to drugs over her than my actions were clear to her what really mattered to me. She would support me in getting clean, but she did not trust me. My actions/words going forward had to equal my words NO matter how small the lie maybe rigorous honesty is a requirement in all my actions. It was by living an this honest life. I finally have regained her trust, but it took some time. I am grateful to say that I am approaching 21 years of sobriety and 20 years of marriage, I have a home and a family that loves me. My suggestion to you would be to join an Al-Anon group. It will do wonders and help you to gain a better understanding of not only the addict. but more so yourself.It is the best gift you can give to yourself.
What I have discovered about myself is, I used to have feelings of embarrassment & shame when, I would try to discuss anything that I was feeling.My then friends, would either mock me, crack a joke or look at me as something was wrong with me. I spent years pretending to be someone I was not. After multiple drug treatments, I slowly begin to realize that there was a lot going that I was not aware of and had been living my life the only way I have ever known and there are people who I can be myself around. I have since begin to not care as much about what others think of me, after all we have only one life to live and I cannot waste any more time worrying so much about how others see me. Along this journey I have found that my past friends, (I still do talk with some of them) have changed as well and the ones who have not our conversions are usually kept to what they have been doing and I share with them how my life has changed.
I can certainly relate to how you are viewing life through the lens of fear. One thing that I have to remember is when, you are in the clutches of fear your view of your options is reduced and realize that my thinking is all black or white. When I was in your exact position and no college education I had to push myself to take the first step: Try! just find a job and apply. If that doesn’t work, try again. Eventually something will workout, what I have found is my perception of what things will be like and what they are has never matched and I have actually found things that I enjoy. Stop beating yourself up, put the hammer down and take small steps. If you need support keep asking. This is a great place for that.
You will be in my prayers.
Make it a great day!
Yes, I do understand how you feel! I am dealing with a lot of the same issues.
Thank you for posting.