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afraid to live

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  • #94637
    Wisdom
    Participant

    this should be my last post for a while.

    i’m really afraid to live and i don’t want that to affect my future or actually throw me into a bad place. but i’m near terrified to live. to just live life. all i feel i’m doing is just going through the motions – school. that’s all i have to look forward to. but after that i have nothing else. i’m afraid that i’ll never get a job. maybe because i’m too shy. i usually always speculate that maybe it’s my race, but i don’t know anymore. i really don’t know. lately my mom’s been pressuring me to get a job and even though she’s right about me being old enough to be getting things for myself, i simply CAN’T. no one will hire me and it’s making me fear that once i’m done with school, i’ll really have nothing at all or no one to support me. with the way my mom’s talking now, i’m almost convinced that i’ll probably be kicked out the house one day. i suppose i take most of the blame because i’ve sort of given up on looking for a job. i’m really just focused on school if anything. i’m just trying to get through school and pass everything because i’m not trying to hear from anybody that i haven’t tried hard enough in school or blah blah blah.

    just another thing to throw in since i don’t plan on being here for a while: is there anything else i can do to feel better about myself besides ignore how i feel and ignore people i feel look or are better than me? it’s not easy for me to pinpoint things that are necessarily great about myself. i don’t even know if i can say i know myself.

    #94642
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Wisdom:

    I need to go back and read your posts of last three days to refresh my memory. I don’t think you shared about your home life. If you didn’t, can you share about your relationship with your mother? And I am sorry she is not being supportive of you at this time. Please share anything that can help me understand what you are afraid of.

    I will be back tomorrow, I will re-read the previous posts and hopefully a new share on this post and reply to you then. Until then, please take care of yourself and stay here, on tiny buddha: You are welcome here!

    anita

    #94655
    Wisdom
    Participant

    anita –

    my home life is nothing too extravagant and nothing too horrific. everyone just keeps to themselves and there’s barely communication. i guess i don’t mind that part too much anymore because i’m kinda at the point where i just want to find myself and i think disconnecting from my family a bit would help. but i don’t have any friends so i barely have any communication at all. i honestly end up talking to either myself or the tv (habits i’m really trying to break). it’s pretty hard to talk to anyone without being dismissed or ignored. anyone in general.

    my mother, i guess she’s supportive. sometimes i feel like i HAVE to go to school so i’m being put through it. we don’t get out the house much, but if we do, sometimes i’ll go food shopping with her.

    i’m really just afraid of failing at life. i think i mentioned a bit about it before but i don’t remember. but i’m really afraid of not being able to support myself and i’m afraid of not being able to live the life i want or at least a stable life. i’m afraid that i’ll end up becoming nothing at all. i really don’t know where my life is headed and i have very little influence at the moment. no friends, so no one to bring any new ideas. i’m kinda just stuck in my own thought space. i sorta appreciate the time alone because it could be spent learning something new or reading, but usually all i end up doing is worrying and wasting time.

    #94686
    BK
    Participant

    Hi Wisdom,
    I can certainly relate to how you are viewing life through the lens of fear. One thing that I have to remember is when, you are in the clutches of fear your view of your options is reduced and realize that my thinking is all black or white. When I was in your exact position and no college education I had to push myself to take the first step: Try! just find a job and apply. If that doesn’t work, try again. Eventually something will workout, what I have found is my perception of what things will be like and what they are has never matched and I have actually found things that I enjoy. Stop beating yourself up, put the hammer down and take small steps. If you need support keep asking. This is a great place for that.
    Take care,
    You will be in my prayers.
    Make it a great day!

    #94688
    Wisdom
    Participant

    bk –

    although it’s easier said than done i will definitely try and thank you so much! i hope you have a nice day too!

    #94690
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Wisdom:

    I just finished reading all your posts since you became a member here, four days ago or so.

    This is what I am thinking following reading all your words here: I am thinking you never or hardly ever got the attention that you needed, as a child and on as the young adult that you are. Maybe your parents were nice to you as a child but they didn’t pay you anywhere close to the attention that you needed, not anywhere remotely close to how much attention any child in your place would need. So you grew up alone, lonely. And you felt attention was given to your younger brother. Maybe you felt he had something that you didn’t have, that he was worthy of the attention he got. You figured, did you not, that the reason you didn’t get the attention you needed was because you were not worthy of it, that you were a nobody (your word).

    Being alone for so long, being a child alone for so long is a very powerful experience in creating this feeling of almost not existing. We need to feel connected to others so to feel that we even exist and that we matter..

    If you agree with me so far, if you feel this is the case with you, the long term solution, the path of healing for you is in finding connections with other people, getting the positive attention you always needed. Here is one place where I personally can pay you attention, and intend to be as helpful as I can be in seeing who you are, letting you know I see you, that you exist and that you matter. The more you share here, and the more I respond, I hope, the more … of a someone you will feel.

    As well as connecting with other people, not with the people who for so many years did not attend to you, family memebers but new people in your day to day life.

    What do you think so far?

    anita

    #94740
    Wisdom
    Participant

    you’re exactly right, anita. although i can’t speak for my parents, that’s vedy close to exactly how i’ve always felt about them. even now i feel my brother tends to get the most attention. usually out of everybody. i sort of envy him i guess. he has musical talents and i don’t really know if i do because i never explored, but my brother can come in contact with a piano and play a song he knows…WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING HOW TO PLAY THE PIANO. and he seems to get off easier for things like getting a job and living a life. i guess cause i’m the oldest certain things are expected of me. but usually i feel like my parents keep telling me to do these kinds of things so they can say that i did it. like how some parents want their kids to be prestigious doctors. i’m just not that good at anything. as far as i know anyway. and i don’t really know what i want to do with my life, but i feel like i’m running out of time. i feel like i’ve wasted my whole life and it’s just getting close to that dead end where there’s no more time for me to make up my mind.

    all my life i feel i’ve been trying to find that attention for other people, but for some reason people always push me away. i’ve gotten used to it. i don’t even expect friends anymore. not in real life or even the internet. i think that there’s something else that god wants me to do or look at. i know you said you don’t believe in destiny, but i really do. i think i’m destined to be alone. for now maybe. i think i have things to accomplish before anything else comes for me, but i have no idea what that can be. that hasn’t been answered for me just yet i think.

    #94743
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Wisdom:

    I will write to you soon, have to leave now but am very interested in writing to you more!
    anita

    #94753
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Wisdom:

    I am back but will be gone for many hours, will write to you tonight (WA, USA) or tomorrow morning. Till then- take care!

    anita

    #94758
    Wisdom
    Participant

    no problem, anita. be safe!

    #94804
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Wisdom:

    Thank you! I think of positive attention for a child as necessary as water is for a plant. Without water the plant is dry, wrinkled, bends easily, breaks easily, is hardly alive. With water the plant comes to life, becomes supple, flexible, not easily bent, taller, alive. In the example of your younger brother playing the piano without prior experience and yet it sounds like he can make a song out of nowhere, he was able to do it because he got the positive attention, but you did not.

    To come alive that way, you need the positive attention you always needed. I cannot give that to you in one post just like a whole book with wisdom … cannot give it to you, only a living human being can do that through interacting with you, talking (or posting) to you, then waiting for your reply, reading your words, paying attention to them, and talking, or posting back, again and again.

    So let us do that! For me it is an exciting prospect, to see how over time you, Wisdom, come alive.

    There is so much more I want to tell you, but like I wrote above, it is not about writing you a book, it is about the back and forth interaction. Please share more: what do you think about what I wrote here and anything else that you need to talk about.

    Every time you post, I will respond…

    anita

    #94839
    Wisdom
    Participant

    you’re very right anita. i actually have no idea of whatelse to say, i think i said most if not all my worries. just that validation that it’s okay and everything’s going to be okay and that nothing’s wrong with me, but just letting go of the anxiety of the what ifs is really hard. right now i’ll say that i’m pretty optimistic, but usually these kinds of things are fleeting for me.

    #94847
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Wisdom:

    You mentioned before that you wish you could live comfortably and do art, but that it doesn’t sound practical, more like a retirement plan. I am thinking this might be a good plan: to live comfortably what you need to aim at is making just enough money, or seeing to it that you have just enough money to live comfortably for you. You don’t need to make more money than what is required to live comfortably. And doing the art you enjoy. You don’t have to compete with your art, to become rich and famous… only to live comfortably and do your art and you also mentioned having a relationship.

    If you achieved these three things in your future: live comfortably, do your art, have one loving relationship- that would be Wisdom being successful, don’t you think?

    anita

    #94851
    Wisdom
    Participant

    yes, i really do think that would be my form of success. i do have other dreams, but i suppose they are just dreams. i think the only thing i’m afraid of is either not enjoying my job or not really making enough money out of my job. things like debt and other things terrify me. as of now i’m thinking of being a kindergarten teacher, but wanting to be an actress and even making music kind of makes me feel like if i were a kindergarten teacher, i wouldn’t totally be happy. as if i wouldn’t of really fufilled my life’s or soul’s purpose.

    #94855
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Wisdom:

    I like your thinking, thinking what will be suited for you!

    Debt terrifies you- then your plans for your future should not include debt.

    Then figure out what it means to be comfortable, how much money that requires. If your needs, like mine, are modest, it does not take that much money! It is only one person you need to support, yourself. If modest living is good enough for you, it will not be that much money that you need to make.

    Then about enjoying the work: it would be nice if you could spend some time as a volunteer in a kindergarten for a few days and get the feel of it, see if you enjoy it: if it interests you, if the time passes quickly because you are engaged.

    You can study to be certified as a kindergarten teacher and take an acting class at the same time, see how you feel about acting in the class.

    So you get to experiment: you volunteer in a kindergarten (no pay) and experiment that way: how does it feel? You take an acting class and experiment: how does that feel?

    You don’t have to decide here and now what you will do for the rest of your life (I don’t see how that is possible)- you try this, try that, see how it feels, and move from there.

    What do you think?

    anita

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