On my anger:

I was prone to anger since I can remember. I so always thought of it as my defining trait. Others point out how sharp and brutally honest I can be, how argumentative I can be, its more easy for me to hate than love. I would not shy away from physical fight if it’d present itself and it happened sometimes.

Makes sense. Definitely what I’m doing lately. Exposing myself to more and more interpersonal settings but slowly.
I’m also considering I might have some mental illness since the way my mind can gets very dark and nasty (as well as my moods) disturbs me. When I get angry I get very verbally aggressive and vicious in my mind even when it’s totally uncalled for, I may also forgive someone pretty quickly or want peace but then randomly I will entertain mental scenarios of me attacking or fighting someone I dislike and it gets very vicious and I just am perplexed with myself

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Gaia.

The compliments you made about my thinking were very much appreciated. I guess no one else ever called me “logical”my life lol. By the way, one method I’m implementing in my social interactions is paying more attention to what is being said also to understand when exactly telling a personal input and so not to talk over others. I also try to feel more connected to others by matching their voice tones, but I guess body posture is worth considering. I feel so incredibly stupid in social settings sometimes, if someone says something I have to ask them to repeat more than once.

Also during this time I’ve also accomplished another insight. I guess I’m unable to form real relationships because both my parents were somewhat distant in my early life. My mother used to work most of the time and my father is a withdrawn type. I was very talkative as a child so I used to bond with him more but it got lost with years. My mother was also present and physically affectionate when home but I was a detaching child, preferring to be on my own and daydreaming most of the time instead to be bothered with practical things others talked about.

Dear Anita,

I may not be active on this thread for a while because things are changing a bit around me and the routine I had til these days is changing too and I’m trying to adjust to all of this. I’m trying to befriend myself better and listen to my own guidance in everyday life. But I’m going to repost sooner or later and I’ll share my ideas on your post after thinking it through fully and I’ll share perspective on my new challenges

Yes you can reply anytime you want

1. I’ll start with more light things, things easier to admit: to this very day, I always had devastating exagerated heartbreaks over crushes that I didn’t even really know. Generally steming from some of my friends (when they still knew who I liked) trying to convince me that the infatuation was mutual and then, feeling it was not the case. The rare times I totally got obsessed with someone, they were already with someone else and god it made high school and this very summer devastingly painful. I could never admit such a thing to my friends unless I’d want to be seen as a nutcase. Also I felt multiple times humiliation in public, once they had to repeat instructions over something to me so many times that at the end, they yelled. I often do words salad in public or impulsively say things that don’t really make sense, or make very dumb mistakes out of impulsivity or absent mindness. More than once I had some serious panic attacks in front of people that were already annoyed with me to start with, my nasty habit to twist and observe my hair could neither stop in public and people picked it up a loot of time, people asking me why I never seem to be dating anyone and stuff, and I have to admit that I never had sex with anyone. And when I’m alone by myself, it gets even more cringier. Almost morbid. Please don’t ask me to continue

2. It’s not 1 conversation in particular we had but I can tell you what stuff had the most impact on me: the same cringy feeling I have in admitting to other people about my love life I have with her, and she once said I should hurry up cause time go fast and I’ll miss out on life, gosh it gave so much anxiety. Whenever me or my sibling (who always was a big asshole to me by the way) had issues or negativity she only make it worse by starting to crying or getting anxious instead of being soothing or more objective. It just gets exhausting after a while. It’s not something in particular, it just she vibes she gives, too sentimental and dramatic. I may sound mean phrasing it like this, but I can’t help it. However I have to admit that she generally also tries her best in trying to be supporting or positive, only sometimes she’s successful

3. When me and my sibling were kids she often lamented that she wished we were closer instead of fighting all the times, cause she always wanted a sister and she couldn’t have it. She often made other comparisons that we didnt like at all

However, I don’t know if she doesn’t like me. When I was kid and in my teen years she was really affectionate and we were very close. She always explictly cared about my wellbeing and admit my positive sides or good traits. So yeah I think she loves me but what she doesn’t understand is that her personality can repel people and not bring them close as she wished and that she should be a lot more self aware in her life

So what you suggest is living far from my family and getting therapy. both things that I can’t afford now, I guess I’m fucked up for other years to come

Some of them even as adults seem a lot more carefree about the idea of being criticized than others